Parental responsibility and changing surnames

[LivingTheLifeofMum]

I have two primary aged DC from a previous relationship which ended when DC were very young. DC have their dad's surname. They live with me as per court order and have contact with their dad.

Fast forward several years and I'm married to DH, we have a child together and we'd like us all to have the same surname.

DH has grown up as a father figure to DC and he would also love to have parental responsibility for them.

So what I'm asking you wise bunch is: do any of you have any experience of applying or gaining parental responsibility for a step parent and / or changing your children's surname. We'd like to know if it's worth applying for and how likely we are to succeed.

@drspouse

Those children have had a surname for a number of years. Whether their parents were married is nothing to do with it.

They can't both "all have the same surname" and "keep exactly the same surname they've had for a number of years".

They’ve never all had the same surname though. So why now?

I have never sought to replace their biological dad, nor have I ever denied him contact despite being emotionally abused by him. I am unsure where that assumption came from. He tried to abuse me through the Court (and he failed), and somehow this has been used against me here.

The relationship breakdown was as a result of ExP abuse when the children were tiny. I have since then met and married a man who is such a great role model for them and has had a very positive and calming effect on all of us. By virtue of the fact the children live with me, we are a family and he takes on a "dad" role unofficially when they are with us. What is he expected to do, not talk to the DC or be involved with them and watch me parent them?

All I was trying to do was incorporate their stepdad into the equation more officially as he DOES contribute hugely to their upbringing and asking advice on if that was possible in some way.

The children were so young when I split with exP and subsequently met DH that they don't remember me being with exP at all. So rightly or wrongly he may not be "dad" but he is a big part of their lives. I wouldn't have been with DH now if exP hadn't been abusive. I didn't set out to be a single mother, especially with two very young children.

It is disheartening that so many on here seem to be trivialising DH role in our lives. It's hard to put into context on an internet forum. PS ExP has a new partner (not living together) and she also plays a positive role in their lives and helps with their homework etc: I fully accept and respect her for that. She's a good influence - in fact she is way too good for ExP!!

Nobody is taking away from the role your DH is playing. But your children now have identities linked to the surname you gave them at birth, and with their bio dad still on the scene/seeing them the grounds to change their names to yours are weak, never mind to someone not biologically related to them. That you’ve changed your own identity to your husband’s name, and given your shared child the same name is not a reason to follow suit for other children.

As others have said, it would have been better for everyone to have/add your name if it was suddenly so important for you all to be labelled as linked.

DD was her dads surname when she was born. We split when she was 6m old. I mat now DH got married and changed my last name. When her dad got married, I voiced that I felt sad that DD shared her name with her DSM but not be and her dad suggested we added my husbands last name on so with both share a name with DD as well as her sharing my other children's names. Eg she was Jane Smith , I took DHs name and became Emily Jones. DD is now Jane Smith-Jones.

Ex DP and I do have a brilliant relationship though.

@Missmonkeypenny

DD was her dads surname when she was born. We split when she was 6m old. I mat now DH got married and changed my last name. When her dad got married, I voiced that I felt sad that DD shared her name with her DSM but not be and her dad suggested we added my husbands last name on so with both share a name with DD as well as her sharing my other children's names. Eg she was Jane Smith , I took DHs name and became Emily Jones. DD is now Jane Smith-Jones.

Ex DP and I do have a brilliant relationship though.

And your own surname disappeared from the family completely.

@drspouse thank you. I have absolutely no problem with hearing opinions different to mine - it's what I came on here for. I ONLY want to do what is best for DC - that's what I came on here for - so if the general consensus is to leave things be then we absolutely will.

@WouldIBeATwat

Nobody is taking away from the role your DH is playing. But your children now have identities linked to the surname you gave them at birth, and with their bio dad still on the scene/seeing them the grounds to change their names to yours are weak, never mind to someone not biologically related to them. That you’ve changed your own identity to your husband’s name, and given your shared child the same name is not a reason to follow suit for other children.

As others have said, it would have been better for everyone to have/add your name if it was suddenly so important for you all to be labelled as linked.

Yes, I appreciate your comments and you have a point x

Sorry but you’ve got close to no hope of getting this done without their father agreeing.

If you are that desperate to have the same surname as your kids your only option is to change your surname to the surname they have.

(I know because I spent years of my life and a small fortune trying to do it)

@Missmonkeypenny That's a great situation, thank you for sharing.

I'm so envious of your brilliant relationship with your exP, life would be so much easier if that was the case here but despite my attempts at amicable we rarely have a friendly relationship. ExP is only friendly when he wants something!! 🥴 I'll be friendly back thinking we have turned a corner and then he'll resume his arsiness soon after he has got his way 😬

At best we are civil but most of the time it is strained.

Seems a lot of people on here have an issue with women taking their husband's name. This is strange as almost all the women I know in real life have taken their husband's name.

@VioletPetals

Sorry but you’ve got close to no hope of getting this done without their father agreeing.

If you are that desperate to have the same surname as your kids your only option is to change your surname to the surname they have.

(I know because I spent years of my life and a small fortune trying to do it)

Oh no, really? 😑 Sorry to hear that. Did you ever try to double-barrel to incorporate yours? I have heard this may be possible, a solicitor commented earlier on the thread.

If their father is in their life then it seems really inappropriate to change their name to your new husband's name. If you want them to have the same name as you then perhaps you and your husband should take their surname!

And I don't feel your husband has any right to have parental responsibility if they still see their dad.

Imagine if this was the other way round and your ex had a new partner, and they wanted your children to have her surname or to give her parental responsibility. There would be uproar!

Why haven’t they been corrected when they call your husband dad? Are they not confused calling 2 men dad?

@buddylicious exactly! How would OP react and her children calling their dads partner “mum”

@buddylicious thanks, you make good points. I don't know if I'd be upset if his new partner wanted PR. I haven't met her but she isn't a problem, in fact she seems to have reigned exP in a bit!! I just hope it lasts with her but doubt it.

[quote RussianSpy101]@buddylicious exactly! How would OP react and her children calling their dads partner “mum”[/quote]
ExP has tried to get the DC to call her mum. It's a different situation there though as she has other children from a previous relationship and they are older, I don't think they are keen for her to be "mum" to someone else IYSWIM.

[quote LivingTheLifeofMum]@Missmonkeypenny That's a great situation, thank you for sharing.

I'm so envious of your brilliant relationship with your exP, life would be so much easier if that was the case here but despite my attempts at amicable we rarely have a friendly relationship. ExP is only friendly when he wants something!! 🥴 I'll be friendly back thinking we have turned a corner and then he'll resume his arsiness soon after he has got his way 😬

At best we are civil but most of the time it is strained.

Seems a lot of people on here have an issue with women taking their husband's name. This is strange as almost all the women I know in real life have taken their husband's name. [/quote]
The patriarchy lives, unfortunately.

And every single one of those women changing their names to their husband’s when they marry is keeping it going.

@LivingTheLifeofMum well he can try though, you’ve nothing against that surely? It’s only what youve done.

@LivingTheLifeofMum

I never wrote that you were trying to deny your Ex any contact at all. I wrote that you had said he had tried for more contact which “the courts” didn’t allow. However if you had of agreed to this they would have allowed it, so it is because of you he doesn’t have a more prominent role parenting them.

I say this because you used the fact your the primary carer and they’re with you more often as a justification for changing their name to your husbands last name - but the only reason this is the case is because you wouldn’t agree to your ex’s request for more custody (if you had of the courts would be powerless to stop it and wouldn’t try).

[quote Ploppingperp06]@Lalala1

Unknown 83 can call it as she sees it. After all OP has come on and given her version of “the facts” which haven’t been tested in court as a moral justification for basically erasing her children’s father from their lives and re-fathering them.

First she won’t allow more custody, then she wants to change their surname to her new husbands and give him PR. That sounds like she could purposely be alienating the kids from their father to me in the eyes of a court. At least it is worth discussing and certainly more worth discussing than giving her and another mans children (who is still in their life) her new mans surname.

Imagine a man had come on here and said, “I’ve left my partner and won’t let her have as much custody as she wants and I’m going to change my surname to my new wives and do the same for the kids - oh and by the way I’m giving my new wife parental responsibility for my kids” - basically he would be saying that his new wife would have the same name as the kids, unlike their real mother, his new wife would have more time with the kids, than their real mother and his new wife would have the same parental responsibility in law as their real mother.
He would be purposely placing his new spouse in a role of greater mothering significance than the children real mother who still wanted that role.
How would you like it if this happened to you? How do you think it would affect the children?

This is what OP wants to do. Just because she’s not “nasty” about it doesn’t make it any less wrong and if a man wanted to do it I think you would think it disgusting.[/quote]
No where have I made this a gender issue I’d give the same advice to a father asking the same thing. What you don’t seem to grasp is that me nor anyone else has said she is right to change the child’s surnames we have all actually advised against it including me! BUT changing their surname and adding another adult to have PR is in no way the OP erasing their fathers existence like I said if she was trying to take away his PR, or stopping his contact with their children (unless there’s safeguarding issues) then fair enough it’s valid to say OP is seriously in the wrong and unknown83 can call her out on it but he has accused her of things that have no relevance or basis in this thread .

From the information she’s posted (and that’s all we can go by) she hasn’t alienated her kids at all the kids have contact with their father contact arrangements that a court arranged and agreed on. She hasn’t changed their name to her husbands she asked for advice was gave it and took it! She has also been gave advice on additional PR for her husband and again she’s took it!

unknown83 has accused her of playing the court system, antagonising the EXP, lying about being a victim of DV plus more with no basis for any of HIS accusation

OP you have your advice in fact the majority don’t agree with what you asked and you have listened to it and sounds like agreed to let the kids decide later on when old enough.

And it’s 16 the can apply to change their name not 18 and even changing surnames don’t erase it they will still legally be “formally known as”

There has been a general consensus that changing the kids names isn’t a good idea and I agree with it. But seriously OP one forum (in general full of only women which is relevant because it’s not a broad viewpoint being represented here) should not be an important sounding board which you base a decision of changing your kids names or not from.

This isnt a trivial thing which should be decided or not decided because of a handful of strangers on the internet. All of this shows very poor judgement.

Oh no, really? 😑 Sorry to hear that. Did you ever try to double-barrel to incorporate yours? I have heard this may be possible, a solicitor commented earlier on the thread.

Even double barrelling requires agreement as it’s considered a name change, although you might have more chance with that if you do take it to court.

He wasn’t willing to compromise and in the end the easiest thing was to change the surname to ‘preferred name’ everywhere possible, so for everything other that official gov stuff DC goes by my name and when he’s old enough he can change it legally himself.

@Ploppingperp06

There’s men on this forum also including 1 on this thread

He wasn’t willing to compromise and in the end the easiest thing was to change the surname to ‘preferred name’ everywhere possible, so for everything other that official gov stuff DC goes by my name and when he’s old enough he can change it legally himself.

That's a good strategy 👍🏼 I had thought of that for when they're older (eg over 10) - if they'd like to.

@Lalala1

It’s safe to assume if you want an balanced view of any situation including this by gender and of the potential future views of the children (who may be either gender) from adults of both genders who have experienced similar - it won’t be found on Mumsnet. I mean it really shouldn’t be any kind of argument that the posters here are overwhelmingly female and as such a balanced view by gender can’t be found here.

@Ploppingperp06

I think your in the wrong place as this is a forum for advice on ANY issues a forum you yourself comment on

Anyway like I’ve said advice has been given by many the OP can choose what to do with that advice! I’ll leave it there

@LivingTheLifeofMum hope all goes well for you and your family for the future x