AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

I can. I drove us to break up. I regret it hugely.
My advice - possibly a bit blunt because I'm half imagining I'm talking to my old self.

Kick off. Rock the boat. Say you're both unhappy and you need to sort it.
Make Dr appointment for your sex drive loss - if it's medical you could get it back. It could be that being treated as "mum" has turned you off. Ditto being exhausted from mum duties.
Book a counsellor for you both. Yes it's expensive but it'll either save your marriage (so worth it) or save you costs in divorce as you'll probably be more amicable.
Listen to each other.
Blow money on babysitters and have time together. Proper time like a weekend. Yes expensive but needed. Call in favours from Friends.
Divorce is painful and miserable even when it's amicable. If you can get happiness back pursue it. Obviously if it's gone or you feel abused etc I wouldn't say that. But just a big stagnant - then be proactive.

Yes, I can relate as well. Similar situation, my husband is a lovely man and from the outside life probably looked idyllic. But we'd both been through some fairly major traumas over the last few years and I don't think either of us felt supported by the other. However neither of us addressed it until in my opinion it was too late, and I didn't want to try anymore. We separated last year, with a hiatus for the first lockdown. I am finding it difficult to get past the feeling that I have been selfish to put my feelings before everyone else's. I also think it is true that you swap one set of problems/sadness (being unhappy in your marriage) for another (time apart from your children - in my case at least). Although having said that, whilst I don't feel happier with my decision at the moment, on better days I can see the potential that I will in the future, if that makes any sense?

I don't want to derail your thread but @PicaK, do you mind me asking how quickly you regretted your decision? It has taken me literally years to get to this point for fear of making the wrong decision. I haven't regretted it yet but still wonder if I will come to do so in future.

Thank you both.

It's just so frustrating and there's a definite fear of 'but what if I regret it?'. Putting him and my two children through a separation isn't something I want to do, but how long do I continue feeling unfulfilled and unhappy. We live as friends mostly and if there is someone else out there for him, that can give him the affection and input he needs, I don't want to hold him back from being truly happy.. I can't imagine he is happy at all at the moment with how I am.

@PicaK really sorry to hear you regret your decision, that must be difficult. Thankyou for the really good advice.

@sashamc if you don't mind me asking, how did that conversation even go? Did he realise something wasn't right? I completely understand the feeling of being selfish, but you aren't being IMO. Your happiness matters too and I sincerely hope you find it.

@lemonmeringue85 to be honest I'm struggling to remember, it all seems a bit of a blur now. Our communication has never been good. There had been a couple of outbursts from me on occasions where I'd just had enough, over seemingly minor things, "death by 1000 cuts" as you often see on here. I think this was one of this occasions. He quite quickly asked if I wanted to go for counselling together, which now makes me think it must have been playing on his mind too. At some point I brought up wanting some time apart but he thought I meant a weekend on my own or something like that. I can remember lying in bed one night trying to find the courage to say I wanted a trial separation but I couldn't quite say it, at that point anyway, in case it was the biggest mistake of my life.
I do think it's worth trying some of the suggestions above so that you can say you tried everything. I think I will always have that niggling doubt that I should have tried harder/longer, but in my case I think the damage had been done before I admitted to myself that there was a real problem.

@lemonmeringue85 I can completely relate (and so glad I found this thread). I've been with my DH similar length of time and we have two kids. But truthfully I haven't felt any affection for him for years. We are just parenting as two friends basically.

He's a great bloke (excellent Dad, kind and considerate to me, never any sort of abuse) which makes it all the harder but tonight I've told him we need to talk and I'm going to tell him how unhappy I am living like this. I'm desperately hoping he's going to feel the same way and just hasn't mentioned it before due to having his head in the sand (often deals with emotional issues like this).

I'm feeling so guilt that I am making a start on splitting us up but I simply cannot go on like this any longer.

Will report back tomorrow on how the talk went if anyone's interested.

I am also in the same boat and can completely relate. No sex life, it's been over a year and before then only once or twice a year for several years.

We get on fine, mainly because I've given in and stopped 'nagging' him to help more around the house. He's never cleaned a bathroom or mopped a floor in his life and that is not what I want my future to be.

I have resentments from when the children were small and the lack of support I had from him.

Other than that he's a good man, we have a laugh and he's great with the kids now they're older. But we sleep in separate rooms and it really feels like we are flatmates.

Are these good enough reasons to break up our family?

@SquatBetty I hope your talk goes well tonight. Good luck. Please do let us know how it goes. It might spur me into action too.

Dh and I have separated after 15 years of marriage. Still living in the same house but that will resolve too. We've just grown apart with aspirations and likes/enjoyment. We rub along ok but that's not enough for me at 48.

I know the future may be lonely and with some Lang of regret but for now I'm ok with that.

Oh and last time we slept together - 3+ years ago? I felt the 'ICO' so haven't looked back. It's been a long process but we are both aligned and kids aware so hopefully will be ok.

Good luck with your conversation

@nomorenightmares. Sadly the talk didn't go well. The crux of it is DH is perfectly happy to stay in a relationship with me, no matter how lacking in affection and sex it is. He doesn't want to 'be on his own'. He also worryingly implied that life wasn't worth living if he wasn't with me & the children full time (I don't think this was an emotional blackmail attempt with a threat of suicide but you never know). He's taken the day off sick at work today - he never does this even when he's actually ill.

He wants to talk again in a couple of weeks - I've told him nothing will have changed, the feelings I had for him in the past have gone permanently. And now we're in a stalemate. Hopefully he'll start to accept things a bit more over the coming days.

@SquatBetty oh, I'm sorry to hear that it didn't go well. I actually suspect that this will be similar to how my conversation will go when I finally pluck up the courage for it.

Is it possible that he needs some reflection time? His response might be different once he's considered what you've said.

I did mention to my DH recently that we seem to be living as flatmates. He agreed but said that it's not how he wants it to be. No more has been said since.

@nomorenightmares yes I'm hoping he'll get his head a bit more straight over the weekend perhaps.

Ironically now I've got all this off my chest, I actually feel a bit more patient with DH and he's definitely not annoying me as much.

I hope all goes well for you when you finally have your talk with your DH.

@SquatBetty, I had the conversation at the start of lockdown and we still haven't progressed, though to be fair a global pandemic has meant I have held back, as its not like much can change at the moment anyway!

He also ' doesn't want to live without the family unit'. Its not about us as a couple but about him not wanting to be on his own and also appearing to have 'failed'!

My next approach was going to be along the concsious uncoupling lines of why can't we still be friends, do things differently etc etc..as I don't think he actually wants me as a partner, just a security blanket!

@Torres10 yes same, think I'm a security blanket as well as he doesn't really have anyone else to discuss emotional things with. His immediate family just don't talk about things like that and his friends have become rather distant since Covid.

Thankyou so much for sharing your experiences.

@SquatBetty sorry to hear things didn't go great, hopefully now he knows how you feel though he'll think it over and maybe be able to talk about it in a few days or so? My DH needs processing time with this stuff. I've yet to pluck up the courage to speak to him. I don't think he'll want counselling, he's not that type.

Hearing others are in this situation helps, as awful as that sounds, I don't mean it that way. I have headaches almost every day with the stress of worrying about it and not feeling like I can communicate properly with him. I just feel so bad.

Sending love to you all x

This all sounds so familiar. How is everyone doing today? @SquatBetty has there been any progress? My husband certainly buried his head in the sand for months, in fact even now he'll make a comment about doing something with the garden and I'm not sure he's even got it now. Can really relate to the security blanket comment as well...when we first had the chat about a trial separation he said he didn't want to leave the house or the kids, nothing about me or our marriage!

@sashamc none yet. I'll talk to him again next week to see if he's given things any more thought or if he's just hoping it'll all go away ( I expect the latter tbh).

Weirdly during our chat he barely mentioned the kids at all! I kept bringing them up to enforce the point that he would not be left alone. He'd still see them whatever happened.

Hope you don’t mind me jumping in this thread, I am in exactly the same boat and could have written your posts @lemonmeringue85 and @SquatBetty!

I also feel as though I want out of my marriage and have been conscious of this since just before the first lockdown, unconsciously, probably much longer. No abuse, no arguments, got together young and I no longer feel the same way. Actually reading a comment on here made me think about the ‘no arguing’ thing. It is because I don’t ‘nag’ anymore, I just get on with things that previously I would have voiced my annoyance at!

My H is aware things are not right and we had a brief conversation about it a few weeks ago, he wants to stay together but I think he would also be amicable if we separated. But I get completely what you are all saying, I’m so scared I’ll regret it.

Sending solidarity to you all x

@Yellowswan don't mind at all. sorry to hear you're in the same boat, it's so difficult isn't it? I've asked several times over the weekend to talk about what's wrong and he says there's nothing to talk about. Completely burying his head in the sand but I feel like it's making it worse. I know if it came to it he'd be amicable about it and financially he would sort everything and make sure I was ok and the kids, which makes me feel worse as I know he's a good man.
I know a marriage takes work, we have two demanding children, demanding jobs, my mental health isn't the best and we are in the midst of a pandemic so do try To keep having a word with myself.. I've told him I'm thinking of going down the route of marriage counselling but he says I'm being ridiculous and we don't need it.

@SquatBetty how are things going?

Hope everyone else is ok, thankyou again for all your replies so far. It's helping me, and hopefully others.

Xx

@Yellowswan Hi, welcome! No please join the thread, it's nice to know we're not the only ones going through this

@lemonmeringue85 not really any change, DH has of course not mentioned 'the talk' at all. And he won't until I bring it up again which I might do today. We've mostly been sleeping in separate rooms due to illness this week but I'm enjoying it so will suggest that's what we do for the time being - cue sad face from DH probably

I'm also starting to look for a job (currently a SAHM) - was going to leave it until the autumn when youngest DC starts school but thought prudent to look sooner rather than later

How is everyone else getting on? It is good to chat about it here as I'm not ready to talk to anyone about it in real life just yet

Thanks @lemonmeringue85 and @SquatBetty.

Similar to you, we have had ‘the talk’ of sorts, but now it’s as if we haven’t said anything and I’m back to square 1. H mentioning things like holidays as if all is fine 🤷‍♀️

It’s a bit tricky at the moment as my oldest DC has just started exams and for one reason and another is quite stressed so I feel the need to keep the peace for the next couple of weeks while he gets through them.

But then I think I could continue to make excuses forever and live in this awful limbo, half life as everyone else just seems completely oblivious to it!!

Definitely helps to be able to talk on here. I have told my best friend but that was so long ago I think she just thinks I’ve got over the idea, I don’t see her as much as I’d like at the moment due to covid. I haven’t told anyone else and am worried and apprehensive about having to explain it all to people.

I'm further on than you guys and STILL living under the same roof. we amicably (if that's the right word) separated in sept 19 and have been in separate rooms since. He initially blamed me for bringing it to the table and was quite forceful about me 'doing this' to him and the family.

He's subsequently mellowed and by the time we told the DC he accepted it was something that had happened to us rather than something I was doing. This really helped in the DC conversations so I'd recommend talking the time for your DH's to reconcile themselves (hopefully!) to it.

We had lots of discussions and similarly he'd bring up future holidays and I was like 'wtf'? But i do believe it was a process he had to go through. I'd been considering it for a while but for him he was quite blindsided by it and had to 'catch up' iyswim?

Anyway, he's had an offer on a house accepted and we have continued to co-parent well with fewer arguments as there's no expectation on the relationship. We should be done by the end of June - a long road but I genuinely believe it will help going forward and for the dc to have been eased into the situation and no sudden changes. They are teens though so who knows? 🤷‍♀️😄

Happy to answer any Q's or duck out if you'd rather . And good luck to all of you going through it. There is light...... eventually in my case!

@SummerSazz that is encouraging to hear!

A lot of what you have said resonates with me. I also have had in my head that we will need to make the firm decision to split and he will need time to process that before we can make any plans, tell kids etc. 2 of mine are also teens, how did yours react?

How did you get to the point of no going back? I feel awful, as though I am stringing H along because I can’t make a firm decision and I’m scared of regretting it. I think because we have been together for so many years, I don’t know adult life without him. But I know the relationship as it was is already over, we now live like friends.

@Yellowswan I think I started to get the 'ick'- the last time we'd slept together which was May 2018 😳 and when this probably all started in my mind. Took me a long time to realise this wasn't going to change.

When I looked ahead I saw different paths and different interests. What would we have when the dc left home? Nothing really that joined 'us' together. So that was it really. And I didn't want to spend almost 10 years living in limbo as you say till the kids left so was 'jump now' before GCSEs etc.

One child cried and the other stormed off! The one who cried (younger) has been really stoic about it and just wants everyone to be happy. The older one is firmly in the 'everything is about MEEEE camp' so less happy & blame throwing but deep down I do think she knows it's the right thing. She hates change so this is clearly not ideal!!

Please please watch this Ted Talk by the amazing couples therapise Esther Perel, or read some of her interviews/writings or listen to her podcast. She explains so well how intimacy/familiarity in so many longterm relationships can be the enemy of sexual desire - we need some distance from our partner to keep wanting them sexually. www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en. Good luck