AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

I must admit that reading some of these replies has left me feeling quite frustrated. I was in exactly the same position as the OP two years ago. Model husband and father so from the outside nothing to justify why on earth I would consider walking away from a 27 year marriage. But there had been niggling issues for years that I was struggling with - lack of intimacy, different communication styles that left me feeling I was "wrong" or "damaged" somehow. We had two periods of counselling over the years with short -term improvement each time but still the unease rumbled away in me. At the end when I told him I couldn't go on he begged me to go to counselling again but I refused as I couldn't see the point. Leaving him and splitting up the family was the hardest thing I've ever done. I have had days when I've regretted it and its not been an easy ride since then. The divorce is ongoing and becoming increasingly bitter as he is so angry at having "ruined his life}". Friends have dumped me as they think I'm mad and selfish presumably. Yes you can go to couples counselling and perhaps reignite a spark that was once there or improve your communication or you can get HRT (had this one thrown at me many times) or have individual therapy to work on your own happiness in the hope that it will enable you to feel happier in the relationship. All perfectly valid choices. Or you can trust your gut instinct that's nagging away at you, stop second guessing yourself because society tells you you're wrong/selfish/ridiculous to even want this for yourself and do it. Accept there will be doubting days but don't think that means you've made the wrong decision. Good luck

This thread has really felt like looking in mirror. I have been with my DH for 20 years but over the last few years things have tricky, the lack of support and having to do so much by myself have taken its toll. Our sex life was always good although I know he would have liked me to initiate more. We are still living mostly in the same house - I stay in a flat that I am doing up to sell one day a week . We have both seen other people (well one each) during our separation.

But now I'm having a big wobble - I have two kids, the eldest is really struggling with the thought of us not all living together any more, and the thought of not being with them at least 5 days out of 7 really upsets me and I know he feels the same - he's always been a good dad and very hands on (he was a stay at home parent for 5 years). I am thinking one last shot - so relate once a week, not seeing anyone else, making an effort to go out and see what happens.

@cba2020, thank you for posting. I am stood merrily wavering in the wind knowing I need a different future, despite him being a good man. But him being this good man and me "destroying the family unit" feels a heavy burden to carry :(

#Torres10 I totally understand that feeling. I had it for months and then one day something just flipped and I knew I had to follow it through. All I would say is trust yourself. We are not hapless, hysterical creatures and if this has been pulling at you for a long time and you've dedicated hours of thought to it then I think that needs listening to. It is ok on the other side. My kids are with me half the week and are healthy, happy teens (after a few bumps!). I'm in a new relationship that fulfils me and I have more time to pursue the things I'm interested in. Oh and I started the HRT and still I didn't want to return.

@cba2020 very reassuring to read about your experience, thank you.

@Undecidedandtorn sorry to hear you are in a similar boat to some of us, if you feel like one more shot could make things better then go for it, but only if it’s right for you x

Hello 👋🏻 may I join in as well? Also have similar issues - I think we have both emotionally withdrawn but are bumbling along - it's a very long and dull story but now find myself wondering what we do next. DS is 14 and has had a lot of instability via various house moves and he's very happy where he is. We get on but I feel we are housemates. For those that move into separate rooms, what do you say to your children?

@khaleesi71

Hello 👋🏻 may I join in as well? Also have similar issues - I think we have both emotionally withdrawn but are bumbling along - it's a very long and dull story but now find myself wondering what we do next. DS is 14 and has had a lot of instability via various house moves and he's very happy where he is. We get on but I feel we are housemates. For those that move into separate rooms, what do you say to your children?

We told them we were separating as we'd decided we didn't have a future together and this was a bit of a first step (here we still are 19 months on.... 🤨). The kids are very used to it and said they would have too as he snores so loudly 😄.

If you're not ready to have that conversation you could use an interim excuse that you're not sleeping well but I guess if you then do separate they may feel lied to iyswim. I think I'd recommend working out with DH what you are going to do, then share this with the DC and actions follow the words so it's clear and transparent to them. You can then work on assured wording together that you both stick to.

My DH had to first get over that it was something I was doing to him as I wanted the children to hear from both of us that it was something that had happened to us. I appreciate that is mainly because (perhaps selfishly) I didn't want to be labelled as the bad cop.

Good luck

@SummerSazz I completely relate to the bad cop reference. I am overwhelmed with guilt about wanting to leave this marriage when, from the outside, it probably seems like we have it all and I'm throwing away a perfectly good family life. I look at my children and wonder what it will do to them, especially if I regret the decision later down the line.
It's really beginning to affect my mental health right now, and DH just doesn't want to discuss anything.
I feel very selfish. I've been out for a couple of drinks recently with work friends and had the best time, able to relax and felt I was more myself than I have been in a long time. Then I come home and have no interest in doing it.

Not knowing why is driving me up the wall.

Can feelings just change? Is it a good enough reason to throw almost twenty years away?

How is everyone else this rainy Tuesday? Sending love to those who really need it today x

Thank you for this thread. I've NC'd to reply.
I am in the earlier stages of trying to decide what to do. All your descriptions of what led you to separate have been like a mirror of my situation.
We don't have a spare room, so sleeping apart isn't an option.
I'm not ready to talk to him about my feelings yet.
I can't figure out which is less bad for DC (only child, 12). Split now, or wait until after GCSEs. Or stick it out longterm? We are best friends. But not romantically involved anymore.
See, I'm still in the whirling ideas round in my head stage.
Being able to write it down is a help though, it frees some space in my mind to think more clearly.

I hope you are all OK and wish you all the very best outcomes for you and your families, whatever that outcome is.

Can feelings just change? Is it a good enough reason to throw almost twenty years away
@lemonmeringue85 this ^!!

I ask myself this all the time. Without going into detail our housing situation has changed overnight, forcing me to look forwards and make some decisions. Still unsure, still worried about getting it wrong and messing up DC’s stable home.

Like you @WobblingLockdown, I am friends with H and would like that to continue, but we are in no way romantically involved (certainly not on my part, I know he would like it to be different) and I cannot see how that is going to change.

Sorry just rambling, hope everyone else is ok xx

@Yellowswan not at all rambling. Ramble away! The more experiences I read on this thread, the more I feel relief. I never in a million years expected to get two replies, never mind 30.
It certainly has helped to talk to similarly affected people.

@WobblingLockdown hope you're ok. You sound very much like me being in the 'ideas whirling around' stage.

Really hope everyone's ok. I feel like it's helping people to know they're not the only ones in this type of situation.. reading through the replies several times is kind of helping my mental state at the moment as I actually feel like I'm going slightly mad if I'm honest

Sending love to all xx

In a very similar situation where I'm trying to pluck up the courage to have the conversation with DH.

I do worry about the impact of a separation on the kids, and the thought of not seeing them half the week is like a stab in the gut. But, and this is a big but, I worry more about the impact to them if I stay. I don't want this non-existent marriage to be the model for them for what a relationship is like.

Our generation of women have been emancipated from the financial, social and emotional need to stay in bad marriages. Is this the example that I want to set my girls of how a relationship works?

But then I worry if I'm actually being selfish and making their lives harder unnecessarily...and round and round the conversation in my head goes...

Hi all, can I join? I am in exactly the same position - together 15 yrs, young children. I have got the ick (and perhaps had it for a long time) and we feel like friends rather than partners. Not a question of sex drive as I would happily have sex with someone else!

We had the talk a week or so ago. I really thought he would feel the same as me. That we're bumbling along and there's no spark, but unfortunately he is just gutted about it and says he still very much loves and fancies me (although I don't really feel this from him). We are on a waiting list for couples therapy but I am dreading it tbh. He sees a good outcome as us staying together and a bad outcome as us splitting up, whereas I want us to somehow get to a point where we're happy, whether that's together or not. I suspect it is like PPs have said - he doesn't want to lose family life and the nice house, etc that comes from us being a couple and me being flexibly self-employed and taking on all the children's stuff.

To make things worse, we're currently living overseas so can't really do anything until we come back to the Uk in a month or so. I would love a trial separation as I think that would help him to see that us splitting could be ok, but I worry that it's confusing for the children and we should make a firm decision before telling them.

Hi all, can I join too please?!
I would write my story but it is almost word for word as @nonflirtinghusband has articulated, though I am having counselling alone instead as I feel I will be better served to understand my thoughts better, and he doesn't see a problem.

@Torres10 I am also having counselling on my own and finding it very helpful. If I hadn't had that I probably would still be pretending everything was okay and wouldn't have managed to have the talk at all. I am a bit of a people pleaser due to childhood issues and I'm having to learn to stand up for what I want rather than going along with everyone else.
to you. It's tough isn't it?

I agree with the counselling being helpful, it has actually helped calm me down about the whole predicament!
She keeps telling me all things change and there is no need to rush anything, it will happen when I am strong enough.
I am very much focusing on cultivating my friendships and hobbies which I guess is prep of a kind, as it makes me realise I will be ok! We just happen to still live in the same house is all!

Hi all, been watching this thread with interest as I am in the same boat. Empty nest syndrome, menopause and lockdown definitely make you think about life and face reality. No real relationship, intimacy just people living in the same house. The thought of being here when last dc leaves for uni is unbeatable. I had the talk in the summer....but he really didn't get it. I think having given him time he is beginning to realise its difficult to go back and put things right, I really cannot see a way forward together. It's very difficult for everyone. I am interested to know how to find appropriate counselling, I don't really want to do couples as tbh I think it's too late for that now, but could benefit from going on my own as like others feel I am going slightly mad. Sorry for the long post. X

I don't want to do couples either @Scooby2021, but I feel like I should because my DC are young (primary school) and I think I need to know I've tried before I end things for good. Not looking forward to it!
I found my therapist through CORST. She does couples therapy but I am seeing her individually and then seeing a different one for us as a couple.

Marking my place as I put my kids to bed, alone, secure in the peace of my home without sulky ex DH, I am a year on from most of you, I could have and did write the same things then.

Thanks nonflirtinghusband I will have a look. My children are older and 2 have left 3rd one off to uni in September so I would be on my own, very scary but the thought of life with no real relationship is worse. Dh has been away for a couple of nights and the lack of stress is amazing, not sure I can go back to sleeping in the same bed (, only there because of last child doing exams!! Going to have to be brave soon!

Hi Scooby, I'm a therapist myself and would recommend you look at either the UKCP or BACP websites for registered counsellors. It's a good idea to get some space to talk things through before you make any decisions. I did this myself for a few months before I left and it was really helpful.

@Theghostofchristmasarse that’s so lovely to hear 💐

It is so helpful and reassuring to know that so many of us are in he same boat.

@Wackadoo— our generation of women have been emancipated from the financial, social and emotional need to stay in bad marriages. Is this the example that I want to set my girls of how a relationship works?

Love this ^ it gives me hope

Am I too late to join in? So amazing and helpful to read so many similar stories and see I am not alone. I too have had this horrible feeling that there’s something wrong with me, or I’m losing my mind, due to our completely different understanding of things. I’ve told my husband, after years of unhappiness and depression on my part, and such poor and lacking communication in our relationship, that I have concluded there is no way I can get him to engage with me, and I want to separate. He says he doesn’t agree, that I am leaving him, it’s not what he wants.... and then nothing else. More of the exact same as the last 10 or so years of our marriage. We’ve agreed to try to live together, but separately; currently sharing a small house where I have to share the bed and bedroom until we can move. I’d love to hear from anyone who has done this - lived together but apart - in the longer term. We have three children btw, ages 14, 12 and 9

@acornstew we are 20 months in to still living together but separated. It's taken longer to sort out separate housing due to Covid and we didn't want to wast money 'between us' on rent if we didn't have to.

We get on fine, like housemates. Kids are ok with the status quo (our 14 yo would like this to continue but she doesn't like change). Odd arguments but actually less than before as we're no longer 'invested' in each other and can more easily walk away and swear in a corner

Could we continue like this? Yes, I suppose so but the problem comes if one party wants a new relationship. My DH is OLD and met up for a few walks. I haven't as I need to compartmentalise things more. This isn't easy but I can turn a blind eye knowing the housing will be sorted soon.

Also, although I'm not looking for a relationship, part of the reason we split was that I wasn't happy that 'this was it' for the rest of my life. Not that this means I'm looking to meet someone tomorrow but on the other hand I don't really envisage growing old alone so who knows? 🤷‍♀️

My personal view is that you'd end up in limbo and the kids wondering if you'll get back together. DD does I think hope for this although we've quashed it and I think she knows the reality now DH has found a new place.

Good luck with it all 💐

Reading with interest as am in the same boat after nearly 20 years.
He’s a good man, we have a comfortable life, but I don’t want it anymore
Is that enough of a reason to throw a hand grenade into everyone’s lives?? I know he doesn’t want us to split up. Two early teen kids... I just feel like I’m squashing myself down so much to stay.