AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@Misty9

I could have written a lot of this when I made the decision to leave my exh 2 years ago. We had counselling throughout our relationship and we actually decided to split 6 months before it happened - but we had that conversation and then just sort of carried on for another 6 months, before I hit breaking point and ended it. I look back now and wonder if I couldn't have gotten through it somehow, but I know how unhappy I was and how I tried everything to change my feelings and needs - before finally accepting that my needs were as important as the rest of the family's. When I did finally say, enough, exh was pretty non responsive and that lack of response has continued, except for telling me a few months after the split that he hadn't realised something was wrong but he now felt happier so something must have been and is now corrected (he's autistic...) so that cauterised the guilt on my part!

The dc were 5 and 7 and it's been a bumpy ride. We're 50 50 and I do miss them when they go. But I also appreciate my child free time and have discovered a peace of mind which is priceless. I've dated, usually disastrously! And I'm slowly accepting that I may not be in another relationship. But that's okay too. On balance the only regret I truly have is that I didn't have children with the right person for me in the first place.

You stay until you can't anymore

@Misty9 how are you coping with the 50/50 parenting split? Mine are similar age (6,3) and I'm consciously holding off on ending it until my youngest starts school in about 15 months.

My logic is that they will be a bit older and less emotionally dependant on me, plus I can continue working 4 days a week and cherishing that one day with my youngest before she starts school (and no more daycare fees!).

Having said that, I have moments of panic thinking of being stuck with him for another year.

It's so hard to know what to do. The thought of only having the kids part of the time absolutely kills me when they're still so little. But I'm so done with him and the resentment is pouring out of me, which I don't want them to see.

Here’s another one jumping in on this thread. I too am going through a separation and it’s all very raw for me right now. I don’t know where to turn. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and we love each other. About 4 years ago I started to push him away physically. He has always liked a drink and basically I stopped finding him attractive and he stopped me feeling attractive. The pushing away became a habit (sometimes I didn’t realise I was even doing it).
Some days he would moan constantly and giving nothing to me….so when it came to bed time I could not get in the mood. So our sex life has been pretty shit. I can’t even explain why I kept pushing….I honestly just don’t know
Then not long after this my husband started complaining about pains and his mood changed. It took a long time but he was finally diagnosed with Parkinson’s (2 years ago). Since his diagnosis his moods have gotten worse so it has been an emotional struggle for us both ( my daughter and I receiving the worse of him). Due to the meds he is on he has now pulled away from me and sadly it has taken this for me to realise I do want him. We had a heart to heart the other day and my husband has told me he can’t get over the constant rejection over the years so we have decided to separate (but stay friends).

This is absolutely breaking my heart but know I can’t make him want me. I wish more than anything that we spoke instead of me pushing him away…..but it’s just too late and I have to live with it. I just don’t know how to move on 🙁

@Wackadoo I won't lie, it's hard. But the way I see it, I don't really have a choice if I'm going to do what's best for my dc. I've had all sorts of reactions, from other mothers, about being truly 50 50, but it really wouldn't be my preferred option if I was being selfish. I miss them when they're not here (although didn't so much at first as ds is very challenging!) but I also appreciate my child free time. I was in a relationship until recently but one of the many reasons for ending that was I need to use the time away from the dc to replenish myself, ready for when they're back.

So, it's hard. But I really believe this is the best it can be for the kids, apart from being back together - which isn't going to happen. The dc are very vocal about it needing to be exactly equal too!

Morning all. Bit of an update here and in a panic!
H and I talked yesterday about the very real possibility of separating, how this would work etc. He accepts that this might be what happens and will continue to co-parent amicably etc. That said, he would like to stay together. So basically the ball is in my court to decide the future, with the added pressure of a time limit due to our housing situation. I have wanted to get to this point for so long but now I am just doubting everything, is this normal?? How on earth do I know if I’m doing the right thing?
To top it off I have an interview at work next week which I need to prepare for and my head is absolutely all over the place.
Any advice welcome x

Sorry to hear that @Boboz and would he consider counselling/mediation at all? For me, being the other side of it, I personally think we have too much water under the bridge to rekindle any romantic/physical side to us.

@Misty9 that's rubbish that other people feel they have a right to comment on your arrangements . My friend has one week on and one week off and that seems to work really well. At this point dh and I have agreed EOW and a night in the week but he'll be doing the heavy lifting of school runs most days so will still 'see' them. We'll see how that works out!!

I had a moment this morning when I just wanted him gone - went to have a shower in the en-suite (I tend not to use this one) and despite it being cleaned last week it was such a mess. Urrrrghhh. And then I mentioned I was going back to low-carbing as I have some timber to shift and he immediately said 'oh don't do that'..... typical of his lack of emotional intelligence. He was saying this as it apparently makes it harder to cook meals for all (dd is a pescatarian so I get this.) I just disengaged and the DDs told him off for being unsupportive!

I think I just need to be on my own now..... hopefully within 6 weeks.

Sorry @Yellowswan, missed your update . How do YOU feel deep down? From your previous updates it sounds like it is more like friends and unlikely to rekindle. Also how does he really feel if he's honest with himself? It's unfair to put it all on you. Changing the narrative from something you are doing to him to an agreed way forward is really key IMO otherwise you'll carry the guilt and worry of DH saying to DC that it was your call.

What does he think staying together looks like- can you together change the things that got you to where you are today. It's all very well him saying he wants to stay together, but I'd ask why? Really why. And can you get back to being a full husband and wife partnership? Otherwise it's just going through the motions.

I'd throw it back in his court and then focus on the interview! Good luck btw

@SummerSazz thank you. I really can’t see us getting back to where we were, main reason being there is no big ‘event’ or no particular behaviour that we can work on changing, the feelings are just no longer there for me. My thoughts were the same as yours, why does he want to stay together when he’s not getting what he needs either?? I’m hoping a bit of time for him to reflect on what we said yesterday might change his thinking a bit. I get what you have said before about them needing time to ‘catch up’. I think I’ll leave it and focus on what I need to for this week, one thing at a time!

I’m sure you must be really ready to make the break now after so long! I think you are bound to feel more irritated by his behaviours when you’re in a bit of a limbo situation. Not long now though and it will be over and you can have a fresh start!

@Yellowswan I really feel for you, it's so crap and frankly cowardly when they put the whole decision on you my ex was like this too and we wouldn't have split unless I pulled the trigger. I did feel huge guilt initially, but then he said he was much happier without me a couple of months after

I believe that you stay until you can't. What does your gut tell you? In my situation we did actually have the conversation and decide to split six months before the proper end - but we woke up the next day and just sort of carried on that time! I wrote a list of the pros and cons of leaving or staying, and I'd say it was pretty accurate. I do have doubts still, and only today have had a panic attack for the first time in over a decade, partly precipitated by the ongoing processing of the end of my marriage, but it was definitely the right thing to do.

It's a horrible decision to have to make, but your happiness is important too

@Misty9 thank you. Sorry to hear that your day has not been so great, but encouraging that in spite of everything you don’t regret it.
I know what my gut is telling me, I’ve known for some time, I just need to be brave enough to take the leap! X

@Yellowswan yes, I am counting down the days rather. Probably a bit Insensitive to get a big wall calendar though 😄. Hope you and DH can steer this to constructive conversations - personally I don't believe there's any point in rushing this although other people I know have def been more 'rip the plaster off'. Typically they've not maintained particularly good terms or family time so I'm going with the slow and steady.

@Misty9 I hope tomorrow is calmer for you

Thanks both. I've got other stuff going on with my health too which is bringing being alone into stark focus, but hopefully things will settle down soon. Hope you both figure it out - in my experience it was the wildest roller-coaster of emotions!

So, just catching up. How is everyone?

@Takingeachday thankyou. What you say about the weight lifting when out and about on your own pretty much explains to a tee what it's like. Are you any closer to reaching a conclusion in all this? Or is he still burying his head in the sand? I find this about them so frustrating!

I feel so stuck and trapped in my own head at the moment. You're replies have really helped me through a difficult weekend so thankyou 

I do love him, and he's not really changed for the worse in any way, its more my feelings that just aren't there anymore. So I blame myself, feel bad for not making more effort to get the feelings back and after months of this I'm now in quite a bad place. I'm so low and every time I try and talk to him I get nowhere. I don't feel brave enough or strong enough right now to carry the guilt of hurting him and the children, yet I know that this feeling is only going to get worse the longer I don't.

@Misty9 keep going, I'm sure you're doing amazing. Hope you feel much better soon and life starts to be a little kinder on you!

@Yellowswan good luck with the interview. Things always seem to have a way of happening together at the most inconvenient times dont they? I'm sure you'll smash it. I'm similar to you, that I've known for a long time I don't want to live like this anymore and I want the old me back, it's just having the courage to actually take that step.

Why is being an adult so bloody shit?

I think most of these men who stick their heads in the sand are basically scared (much as we are) so it's the easy option. For me this pretty much sums it up, it's always me that makes decisions, has the difficult conversation etc etc. It is scary, but if you see no way to rekindle any intimacy or real relationship taking that brave step will hopefully be good for all involved.x

I am so glad to have found this thread. I am in the same boat but just a little more ahead of you, except @SummerSazz. I have been with my STBX for 26 years. He was an amazing dad when kids were young and was an ok husband, I thought, did a lot around the house. However, from the very beginning there were things I did not like but it took me years, decades really to admit that what was happening to me was a type of abuse, emotional and financial. I realized that I felt uncomfortable around my husband, that I would get panic attacks when I wanted to talk about something I new he would not like, or approve of. I was much happier when he was not at home and would immediately tense when he would come in. I am typically a person that avoids conflict so I was mostly not complaining, but if I would, that would get me nowhere, he would never listen to me and try to change his behavior, but turn it against me. Really difficult to even explain, it was a sort of a mind game where I would not even know what happened but I would be shut up. He would often give me silent treatment that would last for days, weeks sometimes. As for sex, I have not really wanted him sexually for years. I was forcing myself to have a relatively regular sex with him just to keep him happy. And he is a very attractive man, I simply was not feeling emotional intimacy, I was often so angry with him and tired to feel sexual.

I tried to talk to him over the years, but he was not taking it seriously. So, last year, before Covid I finally said enough is enough. I suggested therapy and he refused saying he is not comfortable talking to stranger, but he would rather we worked on this ourselves. I however, started therapy on my own and this helped me recognize the abuse, my unhappiness and what it is that I wanted. Few weeks ago, I told my husband that I want to separate. His reaction was strange. First he was shocked, did not think that situation was “that bad”. He never said he was sorry to make me feel like this, did not offer to change anything, said he would move out (and hopefully he is moving out in July). Right now, it is hell. We are living under the same roof, I sleep in the same room on the floor. He does not talk to me, we email stuff around separation. He is already complaining about division of assets, wants to keep “his” savings, and is not giving me financial disclosure. We have not told kids.

@lemonmeringue85 please don't blame yourself, nor take on guild that it is YOU causing the hurt to him and the DC. It takes two to tango.....as @Scooby2021 has concluded I think it's pretty much always the woman who has to take the bull by the horns and make the decision as men simply seem to bumble along with the status quo

I think many stories that despite initial protestations men seem to move on pretty quickly.

@loveyourself2020 well done to you on recognising you'd moved to an untenable place and needed to act to protect yourself. I think as it happens over a period of time we are rather blind to it. Interesting, but i guess not unexpected, that there was no apology or offers to try and work it out and sorry it has deteriorated so fast - true colours?? I hope he finds somewhere ASAP. I do feel lucky we are still eminently civil. Counting down too though!!0

Hi all, reading some very similar stories to my own. I’ve been posting on the Relationships thread. Separated after 23 years , death by a thousand cuts as been described on here, drinking, selfish behaviour and poor MH of DH has made him very hard to live with. It his has culminated in my having an affair ( I know , I’m not proud of it).

I’m currently living in a flat, adult DS living with DH in marital home. I have a pretty full on stressful job , I’m paying two sets of bills, feel completely at sea if I’m honest just now. The thought of the impending divorce, asset split etc feels completely exhausting. DS has really fallen okay with me too. I feel like the one admittedly terrible thing I did has completely trumped the years of emotional neglect and selfishness of DH. I’ve worked full time and ran the house , sorted the bills etc and I’m now not welcome to my own house.

@Tempnamelady
I am so sorry to hear your story. It is really interesting how they turn things against us and in the end portray themselves as victims regardless of what happened. I have not had an affair but did end our marriage (well not yet, we are in the process of separating), but I did it because I was emotionally, financially abused, criticized, ignored and such. Anyway, my STBX told me to "remember" that he has nothing to do with this split, he did not want it and "good luck explaining this to our kids". He is walking around like a wounded animal to such a degree that even I feel sorry for him. Only every now and then I manage to remind myself that I am leaving him because he is narcissistic, selfish, abusive sob. Hang in there, sending you lots of love across the ocean.

@lemonmeringue85 "I do love him, and he's not really changed for the worse in any way, its more my feelings that just aren't there anymore. So I blame myself, feel bad for not making more effort to get the feelings back"

This is how I feel too. I'm strangely calm now, having spoken to DH last week about how unhappy I (we) am and that there is a point at which I will need to move on if various things don't change.
I've also seen a solicitor and got advice on financial/home arrangements. I'm now hooked to Rightmove too, dreaming of my own front door (I'm assuming he won't agree to move out).

I think this is why I feel calm now, because I know what to do if I want to leave.
The flip side is that as I am not so full of anger and upset, I'm wondering why I want to leave! DH is, essentially, who he has always been. I think I've grown out of him, and that brings a lot of guilt.

Its amazing reading this thread - I find myself and my own feelings in here so often. I am currently trying again (even having sex again which I would have said a few months ago would never have happened) but I feel so unhappy. But when we are all having tea together and the 6 yo said something so funny we are in tears of laughter or me and the teen are listening to audiobooks just before bedtime I cant imagine ever giving up this time with them.

Oh to just go back to the time before I realised how unhappy I was and was able to supress so much.

@Undecidedandtorn

Its amazing reading this thread - I find myself and my own feelings in here so often. I am currently trying again (even having sex again which I would have said a few months ago would never have happened) but I feel so unhappy. But when we are all having tea together and the 6 yo said something so funny we are in tears of laughter or me and the teen are listening to audiobooks just before bedtime I cant imagine ever giving up this time with them.

Oh to just go back to the time before I realised how unhappy I was and was able to supress so much.

it's so hard. If I thought there was any chance of it working with my ex, I'd give it another try. But he won't ever change and I did.

Thanks Misty - I have committed to 3 months. We are having a family holiday in this time, going out for some lunches and talking to relate so we shall see. We have been pretty much living in the same house the whole time (I have stayed elsewhere once a week) so I sort of thought why not.

@Misty9 you said about how we stay until we can't any more. That is actually a really helpful thing for me to read.

At the moment I'm swinging from one emotion to another regularly. Yesterday I was convinced we could make it work as friends who live together, until DS finishes school in 6 years.

Today I was ugly-sobbing at my desk, terrified of being stuck in this situation even a few months more. Yesterday I had a panic attack after a really vivid daydream of me dancing at a party as a free woman, then coming back to earth.

How do you get to the point where one of these feelings becomes the right thing to do?

I want to take some steps back. But in practical terms that is tricky. We've no spare room, and in a very small house there is only one sofa, one TV. I can't drive at the moment because of a health condition, so I have to ask for lifts.

I've planned my finances for being divorced, I've written a letter to my mum that is waiting in my drafts folder. I just can't figure out if the emotional swings will settle one way or the other and help me get the courage to actually instigate the separation.

I meant the day before yesterday I felt we could keep going. I'm a bit jumbled with all the mood swings.

@WobblingLockdown oh you poor thing, that really sounds miserable :( sometimes the best decision is to decide not to make a decision. At least for a while, like @Undecidedandtorn giving it 3 months. That said, I think you know when you're done and you can't stay any longer. I wrote a poem the night before I pulled the trigger on my marriage, sitting in bed and feeling absolutely awful at what I was about to instigate. But it takes two to make or break a marriage, and one person can't do it alone.

I really hope you give yourself a break this weekend. Just think, 'today I choose to stay' and take it one day at a time. I too can't currently drive due to a health condition and it really affects your confidence :(

One thing that helped me was to think, yes I could still be in the marriage in 5 years and also still be feeling unsure. And life was just too short to do that. I wavered for years though.