AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@Alternista I hear you and ask myself the very same.

Has anyone else managed to move forwards at all? I feel more restless by the day x

I've posted a few times and am a way down the road. Happy to answer any Q's!

I have moved forwards in terms of talking more about our relationship, or lack of it. I am struggling with how sad I have made him, he is completely devastated, even though he agrees we have not had a real relationship for a long time. I don't think staying together because I feel sorry for him is going to solve anything? Have not braved the counselling yet x

Scooby yes, when I’ve broached it before he’s been devastated. We try a bit harder for a while and then it all slides again and I just don’t know if I can keep doing it over and over for the rest of my life?

No I can't live wiith no intimacy, even though he wants it, I just don't feel like that about him anymore. I have tried but just can't do it. I know I may never find anyone else but feel we both deserve more. The more it goes on the more things I find to be irritated about and that really doesn't help either of us.

@sashamc

This all sounds so familiar. How is everyone doing today? *@SquatBetty* has there been any progress? My husband certainly buried his head in the sand for months, in fact even now he'll make a comment about doing something with the garden and I'm not sure he's even got it now. Can really relate to the security blanket comment as well...when we first had the chat about a trial separation he said he didn't want to leave the house or the kids, nothing about me or our marriage!

Omg my H said exactly the same. He doesn't want to leave us all. Nothing about leaving me.

I'm in the same boat ladies. He did actually leave for a few months. He decided to move in with our eldest and his gf. I was so cross with him for him doing this! It's their 1st new home together!! He didn't even try to look for a place of his own. So I said you can't stay there you better come back.

Urgh. Very difficult conversation last week. He's devastated. I didn't talk about splitting up overtly. Just how unhappy I am, and think he is too. I feel like shit for how I'm hurting him.

@Alternista @acornstew hi  completely on the same page.. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm sick of the same thoughts going through my head and so tired of arguing with myself that a change of feelings is a good enough reason to throw away everything we have and turn the kids lives upside down.

I broached the subject at the weekend and it was short and sweet. I asked him if he was happy, and that I didn't feel like we were at our best at the minute, and his reply...'well I'm not, not happy. I just wish we were more physical'.

Then that was end of that 🤷‍♀️

@SummerSazz I worry about my daughter. She's about to start high school and will burst into tears if I even mention the possibility of her dad and I not being together forever. How did you broach it with your kids? I'm so scared of just destroying everyone's lives. I'm bad with anxiety and overthink everything so this situation is really tipping me over the edge 😩 does it get easier??

Hope everyone is ok. X

@WobblingLockdown so sorry you feel like that. This is what's driving me mad too, I don't want to be unfair on him and lead him on, pretending everything's ok as it's not fair but I don't want to hurt him at all.
Hope you're ok. Glad you've found this thread, hopefully it will help knowing you're not alone.

@lemonmeringue85 we sat down and told them together after dinner one day, just at the start of Y8 and Y9 for them. We said it was not their fault at all and that we'd grown apart but still want to be friends and both see them a lot. Dh has quite a short temper sometimes, can have some funny views on things and is a messy bugger so I think they understand why I'm not happy. Dd2 said she'd separate from him for his snoring alone 😄

Dd1 stormed out and went to her room and dd2 cried. Dd1 still in denial a bit (although the closeness of a house purchase for DH means she knows it's a reality) - she wants us to carry on living together but separated but again knows this won't happen. I've no idea whether the last 20 months we've spent like this has helped or hindered tbh.

DD2 has been amazing and although says she doesn't want it to happen that she just wants everyone to be happy ❤️

I'm amazed about how stoic they are about it but am worried about the fall out when DH actually moved out. I think it will be a rocky road but KNOW that it is the right thing so have to keep moving forward with it.

Good luck with your final decision - fwiw I think a change in feelings is enough and it's a long time to be miserable if you just stick it out. There are many threads where people say they resent their parents staying together 'for them'

@Alternista @lemonmeringue85 @Scooby2021

I’ve really struggled with the impact our relationship has had on me, even though it ‘looks’ fine.

Living with and loving with someone who does not communicate, keeps his thoughts (however constructive or weirdly skewed/judgemental) to himself and just erupts/gets defensive when issues do come up has really undermined my sense of self and created a lot of shame for me. Especially in lockdown (but actually also across a lot it my time as a parent) where he’s almost the only adult I have had any contact with.

It’s hard to put into words how this all works. I wonder if it’s been the same for anyone else. It’s only by - finally, after years of angst, when splitting up was unthinkable - deciding to end our relationship and stop hitting my head on the wall of his unavailability, that I can walk a bit taller and more comfortable in my own skin. It’s because it was affecting my whole outlook on life, and my ability to be a well-functioning stable parent, that I got to this point.

However, I simply cannot live with any of the options in which we actually separate, because I couldn’t bear to have that impact on our children’s lives - the constantly moving home, the missing them when they are not with me, the loss we would all feel. And so I am willing to try to live together for the long term, and we’re looking for somewhere we can have separate rooms.

I don’t know what we are going to tell them. Just that we need more space, to start with. In time, when we are all used to that scenario, I want to be able to say that we are not really together in the same way, but clearly we are all together as a family.

That’s important to me as I don’t want to be ‘outed’ one day if I am seen, say, having dinner or something with someone else.

I hear you, Acorn.

I’ve wondered about renting a studio flat nearby and he and I living in it one week on, one week off, so the kids have a stable base.

The thought of not having any more times/trips/holidays/meals out when it’s the four of us as a unit makes me really sad. I almost wish for an open relationship. I don’t really, but it feels so... binary, I guess. Everything with him or nothing with him.

@Alternista I completely get what you are saying, the all or nothing, the never being together as a family. It’s very sad. The only thing that makes that a little easier is that my oldest child is 18 and off to uni this year, so that family unit as we know it is going to alter anyway. That in itself makes it feel like the right time for other changes too x

@Alternista we've been talking about still doing stuff together - meals, trips & even holidays with mutual friends (we've been away a few times since separation and more in the diary)

Dh is moving just over a mile away and I'm happy for him to come over for dinner or movie night etc.

I guess I'm just seeing him as a good friend - all of the above things I'd do with them so no different really.

Over time if new partners appear I guess this may wane a bit but I hope we can just be good friends but not good partners/lovers. Ill let you know if the rose coloured spectacles come crashing down!!

I could have written a lot of this when I made the decision to leave my exh 2 years ago. We had counselling throughout our relationship and we actually decided to split 6 months before it happened - but we had that conversation and then just sort of carried on for another 6 months, before I hit breaking point and ended it. I look back now and wonder if I couldn't have gotten through it somehow, but I know how unhappy I was and how I tried everything to change my feelings and needs - before finally accepting that my needs were as important as the rest of the family's. When I did finally say, enough, exh was pretty non responsive and that lack of response has continued, except for telling me a few months after the split that he hadn't realised something was wrong but he now felt happier so something must have been and is now corrected (he's autistic...) so that cauterised the guilt on my part!

The dc were 5 and 7 and it's been a bumpy ride. We're 50 50 and I do miss them when they go. But I also appreciate my child free time and have discovered a peace of mind which is priceless. I've dated, usually disastrously! And I'm slowly accepting that I may not be in another relationship. But that's okay too. On balance the only regret I truly have is that I didn't have children with the right person for me in the first place.

You stay until you can't anymore

[quote SummerSazz]@Alternista we've been talking about still doing stuff together - meals, trips & even holidays with mutual friends (we've been away a few times since separation and more in the diary)

Dh is moving just over a mile away and I'm happy for him to come over for dinner or movie night etc.

I guess I'm just seeing him as a good friend - all of the above things I'd do with them so no different really.

Over time if new partners appear I guess this may wane a bit but I hope we can just be good friends but not good partners/lovers. Ill let you know if the rose coloured spectacles come crashing down!![/quote]
Just wanted to chip in that we do this and it works - although holiday seems a step to far now even though I originally thought it would work.
You can still present to the children as a unit, it can happen even though most replies I read on here say it's not the done thing
Obviously it depends on how you split and any carry over animosity or even being able to hide it for the sake of presenting as parents to the kids
They love it and are very clear that it doesn't mean we are getting back together

@SummerSazz that is so encouraging to hear. Was it like that straight away, or did it get difficult before getting better?

I really hope I can get to something like that x

An interesting question.

I hadn't realised it at the time, until looking back, but we had really grown apart. X's behaviour had changed towards me, he had become much more distant, didn't seem to enjoy my company like he used to. What really broke us- the beginning of the end, was me finding a hidden bank account. From that moment, it quickly unravelled. He had clearly been saving for his 'rainy day'. Our youngest was 17, I think that's what he was waiting for. It is really devastating realising someone doesn't love you anymore, not one little bit and has just been going through the motions. He also had decided he was gay, so quite a big obstacle there. But the fact that I hadn't really realised says a lot about the state of a marriage.

@windowframes I'm glad to hear doing things as a family unit works for you. If the split is messy I can understand why people don't do it. My sense would be it's not popular as either there has been a horrid break up (so wouldn't do it) or they are staying together for the DC precisely because they think it's only possible within marriage (however 'going through the motions' this marriage is). It's heartening to hear that your DC do like this arrangement as the best of a situation.

Can I ask if either of you have new partners and how does that work? We've been away on holiday as a family since separation but only with other families which has worked ok. Not sure how long that will continue for.

@Yellowswan it's mainly been ok. At the beginning he was angry/upset with me calling time on us and that I was 'doing it to him'. I had to back away and disengage for a bit as I was worried he would think I wanted to get back together. Once he realised that actually it was the right thing it got better. We've had some arguments but no more than usual and we've not argued about our split per se. The financial separation agreement hit a couple of small rocks but these really were minor.

In an ideal world neither of us want to separate but I can't make myself fall in love with him again and we can't get back on the same future path. It's actually just very sad and I'm hoping we are able to make the best of it. We can even hug now which is nice 🙂

@PasturesN3w - I hope we have no revelations such as this!! Hope you've now moved on ok.

It's such a relief to read this thread - I could have written many of the posts. I've been lurking for a while reading them and actually this down feels like a tiny positive step forward. There is absolutely no spark left in my 23 year marriage and I've slowly, sadly come to the conclusion that it has to end, but it's so hard. My husband has his head firmly buried in the sand even though, to be honest, it was him that stopped wanting to be married in the true sense long before me. About 6-7 years ago we had a row and he told me he didn't think we had enough in common 'in the longterm', I didn't share his interests etc, which hit me really hard at the time because nothing had changed, we are quite different in terms of our interests but it hadn't seemed to matter in the past eg when he married me. Sex hadn't been great for years if ever but dwindled down to nothing which I initially thought was probably erectile dysfunction which he was too embarrassed to address - he had a v stressful job at the time, was mid 50s, drank too much etc. Idiotically I've been afraid to take the bull by the horns because I was scared so things have just got worse and now we're relatively amicable flatmates, I would say. I've tried to bring all this up on two occasions during the last year but ended up crying my eyes out and him just saying that it's normal - IT'S NOT!! - but since then I feel as if I've toughened up and really started to accept that we're heading for divorce. I already suspect he won't want one because he won't want to part with half of our family assets for business reasons (he's just got involved in property development). I feel as though the next conversation we have will have to be the one where we decide to separate and I'm just not quite there yet. We have two sons, one living with us post uni and the other in 2nd year at uni - he's the one I worry about in terms of the impact because I think it would hit him hard. Not sure where to go from here but if feels good to get it off my chest. Thinking about everyone else on this thread who's in a similar position - it is just so depressing when you feel trapped and know there'll be pain, whichever route you choose.

[quote SummerSazz]@windowframes I'm glad to hear doing things as a family unit works for you. If the split is messy I can understand why people don't do it. My sense would be it's not popular as either there has been a horrid break up (so wouldn't do it) or they are staying together for the DC precisely because they think it's only possible within marriage (however 'going through the motions' this marriage is). It's heartening to hear that your DC do like this arrangement as the best of a situation.

Can I ask if either of you have new partners and how does that work? We've been away on holiday as a family since separation but only with other families which has worked ok. Not sure how long that will continue for.

@Yellowswan it's mainly been ok. At the beginning he was angry/upset with me calling time on us and that I was 'doing it to him'. I had to back away and disengage for a bit as I was worried he would think I wanted to get back together. Once he realised that actually it was the right thing it got better. We've had some arguments but no more than usual and we've not argued about our split per se. The financial separation agreement hit a couple of small rocks but these really were minor.

In an ideal world neither of us want to separate but I can't make myself fall in love with him again and we can't get back on the same future path. It's actually just very sad and I'm hoping we are able to make the best of it. We can even hug now which is nice 🙂

@PasturesN3w - I hope we have no revelations such as this!! Hope you've now moved on ok.[/quote]
We sound very similar in our story ie it wasn't want my Dh wanted but I soon realised that was the family unit and not me he wanted

The answer is neither of us are seeing anyone else (that I know of) - honestly we were together so long it just seems odd still at the moment to even go there and lockdown doesn't exactly present opportunities - I imagine things will change if and when it happens - he was v angry for a while and if I did ever see someone that may come back or who knows he may have moved on - My fear is that because we get on now he thinks there is still a chance we will get back together so in a way I wish he would meet someone else

Such a reassuring read catching up this morning.

I'm still stuck where I was. Nothings really happening as everytime I bring up the subject I burst into tears and he goes quiet and doesn't really know what to say so I just eventually stop talking and then it's left to one side again. It's not getting addressed.

An ideal outcome for me would be an amicable separation, where we could still take the kids out together and holiday maybe, like a couple of others have said.

I tried speaking to him again yesterday and I think we could be on similar wavelengths, he's just not giving much away. It's definitely becoming harder to hold in, I'm just so scared of the hurt and pain it will cause however I'm slowly starting to realise that my happiness matters too.

I've recently spent a couple of evenings with some friends just in the garden, few drinks gathered round a fire pit putting the world to tights and, for the first time in many many years, actually felt like my old self. I relaxed, had fun and then reverted straight back to an anxious, moody mess as soon as I made my way home. I count the days until the next get together and I've never really felt that with DH. I'm a totally different person.

I like the happy version of me.

@lemonmeringue85

Such a reassuring read catching up this morning.

I'm still stuck where I was. Nothings really happening as everytime I bring up the subject I burst into tears and he goes quiet and doesn't really know what to say so I just eventually stop talking and then it's left to one side again. It's not getting addressed.

An ideal outcome for me would be an amicable separation, where we could still take the kids out together and holiday maybe, like a couple of others have said.

I tried speaking to him again yesterday and I think we could be on similar wavelengths, he's just not giving much away. It's definitely becoming harder to hold in, I'm just so scared of the hurt and pain it will cause however I'm slowly starting to realise that my happiness matters too.

I've recently spent a couple of evenings with some friends just in the garden, few drinks gathered round a fire pit putting the world to tights and, for the first time in many many years, actually felt like my old self. I relaxed, had fun and then reverted straight back to an anxious, moody mess as soon as I made my way home. I count the days until the next get together and I've never really felt that with DH. I'm a totally different person.

I like the happy version of me.

What you say about feeling like a different person when you're not around your DH sums up exactly how I feel. I'm a pretty optimistic person generally and when I'm out and about - even just for a walk on my own - I feel the weight I'm dragging around lift and I start to feel like myself again. We have to hold on to that person - the person who we should be.

@lemonmeringue85 a happy version of you is ABSOLUTELY where you should be. And the person you should be as @Takingeachday says. You'll both get there I'm sure!!!

I do think this will actually be a real positive for your DC as they see you flourish.

@windowframes DH apparently thinks me dating 'would be good for me'. Personally i believe it's more to make him feel better for being on #3 girlfriend already. Remember it's me not him who wanted to split...... . I think they move on pretty quickly once they've accepted it!