AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

@Misty9 I wonder how much my age is playing a part when you talk about life being too short. I'm 50 - if I am going to get another mortgage the sooner I start the better. I found myself messaging a friend today about the whole situation and he made some really valid points about how I am having a wobble about being by myself and that I could make a separation work - gave me lots of food for thought.

Evening all, hope everyone’s doing ok.
I’m just here to vent really- so sorry in advance!
After having a really honest talk last weekend, it’s literally like it’s never happened. H is talking about future plans etc seemingly without a care in the world?! I can’t understand it really and I am getting increasingly irritated by it. Does he think that my feelings have just changed overnight? I guess it’s just a case of burying his head in the sand but fgs it’s so blinkered. It’s times like this that the feelings of guilt subside, which may not be a bad thing to be honest! Just feeling so annoyed!

Sorry I haven’t been here. Been sticking my head in the sand a bit this week... Yellowswan you just described the last decade for me. Big talk, promises of change and then a slow or not so slow descent back to how its always been.
🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi,
Hopping on this thread:
So I told my OH that I was unhappy and after initially saying 'just leave then' he's just glazed over it and started wanting to organise house stuff and family days out etc?! Meanwhile I have a nightbag almost packed like what?!
We have two small children. We own a house together so the whole process will not be an easy one.
I'm obviously scared that I'll regret it but honestly, I'm so unhappy. He's not the person I fell in love with and he clearly has no desire to amend everything that's going wrong here.
I try and I get shutdown and now I feel like I'm just a shell. It's destroying my confidence and happiness living like this and I feel like I'm failing my daughters because I've lost all my sparkle.
Sorry, just feel very alone right now.

@lemonmeringue85

Such a reassuring read catching up this morning.

I'm still stuck where I was. Nothings really happening as everytime I bring up the subject I burst into tears and he goes quiet and doesn't really know what to say so I just eventually stop talking and then it's left to one side again. It's not getting addressed.

An ideal outcome for me would be an amicable separation, where we could still take the kids out together and holiday maybe, like a couple of others have said.

I tried speaking to him again yesterday and I think we could be on similar wavelengths, he's just not giving much away. It's definitely becoming harder to hold in, I'm just so scared of the hurt and pain it will cause however I'm slowly starting to realise that my happiness matters too.

I've recently spent a couple of evenings with some friends just in the garden, few drinks gathered round a fire pit putting the world to tights and, for the first time in many many years, actually felt like my old self. I relaxed, had fun and then reverted straight back to an anxious, moody mess as soon as I made my way home. I count the days until the next get together and I've never really felt that with DH. I'm a totally different person.

I like the happy version of me.

Oh my god, reading this gave me goosebumps, it's exactly how I feel.

@Yellowswan channel that annoyance! Your DH will continue to bury his head for as long as you let him 🥲

@Undecidedandtorn I too think my age played a big part. I'm 48 and if I've got another chance at 'life' and being my 'happy version' I had to take the bull by the horns. Another 10 years to when the kids finish Uni was just not a palatable vision.

I've had a bit of a hurdle to cross this week. Apparently the solicitors haven't been progressing with my purchasing DH's half the house for the last 4 weeks. Then said they'd unlikely meet the end of June which DH needs to for his house purchase. I suggested they reviewed the timelines so 🤞

Another one hopping on this thread. I could have written the op. DH and I have just had the conversation about wanting to break up while still friends. I think I'm in shock, even though my gut instinct has been that it's the right thing to do. I just can't help weighing up whether it's worth the upset and upheaval, but it's unfair on DH to live with someone who can't give him the relationship he's entitled to. I'm scared of all this uncertainty and how the hell we will afford it.

@WobblingLockdown it's absolutely the guilt! I'm making myself poorly with stressing over it all, I feel constantly nauseous, have headaches and feel so sad. Everytime I broach the subject with anyone I just burst into tears and I'm driving myself absolutely fuckin crazy to be honest. Like you I feel I am swinging between emotions. Telling myself I'm staying and going to make it work and that I have 'a good one' and 'should be grateful for what I have'... but then he gets on at the kids or I turn around to look at him sat on his arse while I'm up to my eyes in house/kids/dogs/school prep etc etc and I could just walk out the door. I'm not in love with him and it's getting harder and harder to keep in.

@Misty9 'I could still be in the marriage in 5 years and still be unsure'. This. This is what I said to myself 5 years ago. And here I am. Yet I feel like I'm just not strong enough to tell him and see a separation through.

@Yellowswan hope you feel less frustrated and annoyed today. I know the feeling well. How are you getting on? Have you progressed at all with letting him know how you feel or has he had his time to think and said anything in return?

@tooscaredtosayit you aren't alone. Ever. You've just described exactly what I feel. The loss of confidence, the feeling of failing your children and losing your sparkle. I promise you aren't alone, it seems many on here can relate and I feel I am slowly building up courage to sit and have the talk with DH. It's so bloody hard, especially with kids involved and the feeling of 'but what if I regret it?' Is overwhelming for me in all this. Keep in touch. You're doing fine 

@BTE152 welcome. Hope you're okay xx

@SummerSazz thankyou for your words of wisdom on here, they are so helpful right now. I have my fingers crossed for you that the solicitors sort things out and you can embark on that next chapter. I wish I had the strength I feel you have.

I'm no further forward. I'm becoming irritable and unpleasant to live with but he seems to just pretend it's not happening and be happy to carry on living this way. I genuinely don't know what to do for the best. It's making me ill.

Sending love to everyone who needs it tonight xx

@lemonmeringue85 sorry to hear you are still flip flopping. It's truly normal to have such doubts. It's lovely to hear you think I'm strong - it's hard but I know now it is absolutely the right thing. As you say when DH starts on the DC through lack of empathy and is a messy git every single day it oddly helps the resolve.

@BTE152 I hope you can work you way through your feelings. You'll know when you KNOW if that makes any sense.

I was just flicking through fb and came across this pic. I think fb must be stalking my inner thoughts 🤨

@lemonmeringue85, so sorry that things are so tough at the moment, I feel a lot of what you are feeling, it’s rubbish. And to others too, I’m glad you found the thread, sorry you are in such difficult situations.

I agree that @SummerSazz you are giving us some hope right now, I hope you get back on track with the practicalities, I’m sure that you will.

I’m feeling increasingly rubbish, the weather is really not helping, I’m such a sun worshiper, the rain just gets me down.

My oldest ds has his last week at school ever this week, this also makes me feel overwhelmingly sad, the end of an era and the future is so uncertain.

Anyway, here’s hoping for a better week for us all 💐 this thread is really helping me at the moment xx

Hi all. New to this thread. But wanted to share. I felt similar. My husband was not a bad man. But i felt he no longer loved me and i was married but incredibly sad and lonely and was overwhelmed and overworked and utterly lost. I spent a year or two chanting if i could just wait until youngest is 3/4/starts school. And then one say i said that same sentence and burst into tears-i knew i couldn't do another 18 months. I just knew.

He buried his head in the sand for years. I pleaded and begged. Please can we go on holiday just the four of us (not with friends or extended family all the time). Please can we have a christmas at home on our own. Please can we..... as i knew we needed to rebuild. I heard his mum on the phone asking if i was ok, i mean really ok, and i heard him brush it off. Even she KNEW. I stood in the other room wanting to howl-no i am really NOT ok.

I left. It was hard. We have children. He was angry and in denial and it was all
My fault. He was also i believe very unhappy but would not admit it. I coped as i had grieved the marriage for years before it was actually over. Whereas his grieving process only started when it ended so we were out of synch.

We are on good terms now several years later. We both have new partners. Mine has the patience of a saint. I suffer with depression and anxiety. I think perhaps i always did but i just never had the time or space to realise it. Some days i wonder if i had known and got help when still
Married would things have been different? I don't think so. But you cant be sure. I just don't see how i could have 'done the work' on myself to get to where i am now, without the gentle love or a kind quiet sensitive man which i now have.

@anxietyanonymous you sound very similar to me- I have anxiety and depression and it's raging atm. One of the reasons I believe I've lost the trust in my DH is the sheer lack of any sympathy or empathy he has shown throughout. As a pp said, sitting on the couch or the pc while I juggled a full time job, motherhood and managing the house. Then getting angry that I didn't 'just ask if I wanted anything done'. Still shocked though, at how sad I'm feeling about all this.

Something has shifted in my attitude over this past few days.

We've been friendly, laughing, getting along well. But I've realised that I have put him in a friend zone. He knows I don't want to be touched, at all, and is respecting that.

But he keeps lurking, looking like a wounded animal, in my personal space. It's not threatening at all, just probably how close we used to stand. But now it sets me on edge. I'm fearful of him even reaching out an arm because I know I will reject him, and that will hurt him.

We don't have a spare room, but I would be in it if we did. I'm sleeping as far away as I can in bed. I've started wrapping myself in a towel after a shower and wanting privacy to get dressed.

We're definitely broken as a couple. But he's my closest friend. I'm not brave enough yet to have the follow up to conversation #1 (which he is also pretending never happened).

@anxietyanonymous glad to hear you are well on the other side and things have worked out well for you despite the initial time it took for DH to 'catch up'

@WobblingLockdown the lack of space sounds really tricky. I'm lucky we have a spare room as it's been my sanctuary. Wishing you all the best to work through it 💐

@Yellowswan hope you've had a better day and keep posting. You're not alone x

@BTE152 - laziness and lack of empathy is definitely not attractive.....

No news from the solicitors today no surprise there

@WobblingLockdown that's exactly how I felt and I think I've been so bloody awful to DH almost deliberately and forced him to instigate the conversation I've been so scared of. I don't know what's worse atm, living like that or sitting here in the aftermath trying not to feel like I've failed. Perhaps we should both take comfort in the wonderful 'after' stories ...

Oh wow this is familiar! Had a number of honest conversations with my W recently about separation and how I feel etc… Same - feels like it never happened!! Life just goes on and it’s only me that brings things up! Frustrating

Mildly positive update: DH instigated a conversation on Monday and I was able to raise the possibility of divorce. Still in the sense of "one of the options for resolving our current problems is..." but it's a relief to have said the word out loud.

We always had plans for a major relocation. I now want to do it on my own, and am working towards that in my head (and on a spreadsheet of finances!).

@WobblingLockdown that’s a great step forwards. I’m pretty much where you are in the sense of separation being ‘one option’ but it is a relief to have it out there, rather than the feeling of dropping a big bombshell that is going to come as a huge shock.
Although having said that, sometimes it doesn’t feel like a step forwards as it’s like it was never talked about- but it was, no going back now. Sorry to those that are in the same boat, seems like there are a few of us! Xx

@BTE152 oh my goodness, that feeling of feeling like you're deliberately being awful towards DH and them being forced to instigate the conversation... I am with you. I feel so so guilty for being so distant and not instigating any affection at all. I can see he's down and frustrated yet I can't bring myself to be any different.
Last night he was stood in the way in the kitchen and I asked him to move so I could get to a drawer... he promptly stormed off saying how he gets nothing from me and will stay out of my way completely then he can't be disappointed. I just didn't know what to say. I don't even know how to handle all of this. I have everything in my head to say when I'm talking to people then when I'm faced with him and the confrontation I just go blank and have no idea what to say.

It's really helping reading everyone's replies, I hope everyone is ok, whatever stage you're at xxx

[quote lemonmeringue85]@BTE152 oh my goodness, that feeling of feeling like you're deliberately being awful towards DH and them being forced to instigate the conversation... I am with you. I feel so so guilty for being so distant and not instigating any affection at all. I can see he's down and frustrated yet I can't bring myself to be any different.
Last night he was stood in the way in the kitchen and I asked him to move so I could get to a drawer... he promptly stormed off saying how he gets nothing from me and will stay out of my way completely then he can't be disappointed. I just didn't know what to say. I don't even know how to handle all of this. I have everything in my head to say when I'm talking to people then when I'm faced with him and the confrontation I just go blank and have no idea what to say.

It's really helping reading everyone's replies, I hope everyone is ok, whatever stage you're at xxx[/quote]
@lemonmeringue85 that scene in the kitchen sounds so familiar. Trouble is, now he's instigated it I'm mildly annoyed that he's feeling sorry for me when in reality I've been feeling this way for years 🙄. Symptomatic of why were parting ways I guess- complete lack of understanding 😆. Here's to a bright future for all of us..somewhere down the line.

It does make it easier to know other people are going through the same thing (although it would be better if they weren't) I too find I am being not very nice to dh and distant but I just can't help it. Have now moved into the spare room, which feels like a step forwards although he's not happy about it, the relief for me once I am on my own in the room is immense. Weekend away with the girls this weekend, both of which know the situation here, can't wait. Hope everyone is doing OK x

I am also having a weekend away with my girls and I could not wait to leave. Just to get away from the house and the sour face of my STBX. We have not yet told the kids what is going on, so not to make them suspicious I went and hugged him (could not kiss him, no way) and he did not even make an attempt to hug me back. OMG I felt so awful.

@Scooby2021 @loveyourself2020 have a lovely weekend and leave the guilt at home. There's a reason we all feel this way and we need our girlfriends to help us stay strong. I've been overwhelmed by the support I've found in work and friends this week- at my lowest ebb. Am so grateful.

@loveyourself2020 @Scooby2021 hope you both have lovely weekends away. They sound very much needed!

@BTE152 how are you doing?

Had a bit of a breakthrough this morning with DH. We had no kids overnight and had both gone out with friends last night separately. He obviously tried to be intimate this morning and I just couldn't, I physically couldn't move and I just don't know why. I could tell it pissed him off and just started crying and told him we needed to talk etc etc. He's basically said he feels we're as close to splitting up as we can get and he can't continue to be so unhappy for rest of his life, all because of no intimacy. He said it's the last thing he wants but can't do it. I've explained my feelings on the matter and he has made much more effort today with the kids and we've had a lovely afternoon/evening as a family but if I can't be intimate with him what do I do?!

I feel kind of relieved that he's having the same thoughts about separating but at the same time it's made me really sad. I'm so torn and conflicted and my body is starting to physically react to the stress of it all which I need to stop. How long is this going to continue.

Random question but anyone had any sort of individual counselling/sex therapy as opposed to couples counselling? Sex is a real issue for me and I'm not sure if this is something I need to look into.

Hope everyone's doing okay?

@lemonmeringue85 we haven't had any counselling and I think for me once that attraction was going I didn't think anyone could talk it back into me iyswim? But we are all different so if you think it's Salvageable then anything is with a try 🤷‍♀️

@Scooby2021 @loveyourself2020 have lovely weekends away. Enjoy some carefree time away

We are away for a few days tomorrow- all going despite living 'apart' in the same house for 18 months. We are staying with a family we know v well so H will be off with my friends DH and my friend and I will hopefully swim in the sea and drink wine 😄. It seems odd for everyone looking in on the circumstances I'm sure, but I'm looking forward to it ☀️ 🌊

Happy Bank holiday all xxx