AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

Dear @Yellowswan I am sorry that you had to go through that. Unfortunately, these situations are never easy and the other parties seldom react in a mature way. It seems to always be a blaming game, which does not make any sense. I mean he knows how you are feeling, you told him months ago, of course you would be keeping your distance not to confuse him into thinking all is well. In fact, it is his fault that he was pretending that did not know anything, that you did not have a conversation already. I mean, looking back, you had a talk in April about separation. It is nice of you to apologize, but it was really not necessary. If he was listening to you, if he has been listening, he would not be surprised.

I think that he is just trying to guilt trip you into submission, so to speak. He made you feel bad about it all, so now he is hoping you would not mention it again. @ Yellowswan, you want to separate, right, while I understand that you would like it to be amicable, that you would like to stay friends with him, the reality is that this may not happen. You have to be strong and while you should keep being respectful to him, you have to take the reins on this one. I would lay low for the holidays, but as soon as they are over, I would sit him down and tell him the truth (once more). I keep saying to everyone, make it short and sweet, no point in discussing anything at this point, this is it. Just say it in as few words as possible, that you are not happy, and you want to separate. If he has something to say, listen to him, respectfully but do not let him deter you from where you are going. You come back to the point. Believe me there is no nice way to do this no matter how hard you try, it will hurt both of you, but the sooner you do it the sooner it will be over and you will be able to start a new chapter. Take care and keep posting.

Oh my lovely @Yellowswan I feel so much for you right now. Am sending you a virtual hug, a big squashy one. You are so nearly there. I feel I have back tracked somewhat. We had a conversation yesterday after 4 months of silent treatment & H deflected so much into me. I just said yep, whatever you need to make yourself feel better. He has started counselling (am genuinely v pleased for him) but told him as a couple we are a no go. I have agreed to cohabit & coparent while he establishes himself with counselling but am unsure if I have taken 20 steps back. I will have to reface all of this again in the new year am sure. I am so very inspired by your courage. Financial hardship was the issue that pushed me back, that & Christmas. @freeatlast2021 has such wise words and advice and I literally hang onto them whenever I see a post from her. Be braver than me, you Can do this and this time next week Christmas will be done with. I hope in the future I will be where you are on your journey and a step closer to where @freeatlast2021 is. Sending so much love 💕

Sending huge amounts of love @Yellowswan . It’s so hard isn’t it. Although you knew this would come and wanted things to move on the process is never going to be easy. I’m probably not qualified to give any advice as I’m still stalling at the back and being too much of a wimp to take any action. I’m very much like you in that in an attempt not to give any false hope, I know I’m not being a very nice person. He surely must see this but doesn’t question it. I’m just trying to get through Christmas now to be honest. My dad is coming over for Christmas Day and it is our first Christmas without my mum, so it is hard enough as it is and I want to keep things as “normal” as possible for dad’s sake, and for our DCs. After that though, I really will need to pull on my brace pants as I can’t even think about going into yet another year in exactly the same position. The only thing I can say is to look ahead at how much better things are going to be in the future - think about all the possibilities in 2022 when the tough bits are done. And next Christmas- I wonder where we will all be then?!

Sending hugs xx

@freeatlast2021, @findthecourage and @HoneyDaze thank you so much for replying with support, it is such a comfort and makes me feel stronger.
Freeatlast2021, I channelled the advice you have given before when we were talking (arguing) last night. Not to go into too much explanation, keep it short, I have to say it really helped.
So today he’s ignoring me completely. I have to say I’m a little relieved to be honest. When we’ve had conversations previously he would wake up the next day like nothings happened which was just infuriating. I am worried about the atmosphere though, particularly with Christmas being less than a week away!
My thinking at the moment is that I should give it a couple of days, then attempt to clear the air for the festive period, what do people think?
It’s ironic that I will find myself much more able to genuinely get along with him, safe in the knowledge he understands that we are over. Is that crazy?!!

@Yellowswan Nothing you do or feel is crazy, my friend. This right here is your own story, your own truth and you know it the best. We can all advise you any way we want from afar, but you do whatever you can that will get you through. I know how hard this situation must be for you, how confusing and painful it is, but you are on the right track. You will get where you are headed, soon or later. Once started, I find, this process cannot be stopped, but we all have our own pace, so be patient. But please, be kind to yourself, be loving and caring to yourself at this time. Even though you are the one initiating separation, does not mean that you are not in pain, that you do not suffer, that this is not your tragedy too. You did not cause this to happen, you did not want this to happen, you got married hoping it will be forever. You too are in pain and should allow yourself to grieve over the end of your marriage.

@findthecourage, @HoneyDaze, one of the reasons why each of us is in this situation is because we are good people, kind and compassionate and we each tried for years to accept things as they are as to not to disturb the peace and endanger our family's stability. This is why you are having difficulties now, to rip the band-aid and just end it once and for all, because you feel for your husbands, first of all, and you worry about your kids and even your parents and friends and extended family. You worry about everyone and their well being all the while sacrificing your own happiness and well being. And that is ok, you do what feels right for you, you stay true to yourself, so that after all this you can rest assured that you did all that you could.

I do not know your husbands but you say they are nice and kind, so, not wanting to offend or hurt you, I will take my ex as an example. It takes two to tango. While my ex did not hit me, cheat on me, drink or gamble, and was totally confused and still tells everyone he has no idea why I left him, he did mistreat me. While I loved him with all my heart, did everything I could to adjust to his idea of a perfect wife and a lover, did all I could around the house, supported him through his own professional development sacrificing my own, he did not give back the same way. He was selfish, only looked out for himself, did what he wanted, how he wanted and when he wanted and did not really look out for me. When I would complain he would not really listen, he would not make an effort to change, he would not compromise or give in for the sake of my happiness. So even in the end, he never once took any kind of responsibility for our break up. My ex, claims that he was a great husband, lover and a friend and basically blames me for breaking our marriage. Now you tell me, if he loved me like he says he does, and cares for me like he says he does, would not he want what is best for me? If I am not happy and he loves me, should not he do what I want, should not he try to make my exit as easy as possible, if I am indeed a love of his life and he is selfless and caring?

No! He is selfish and self-centred, he only cares about himself and his own needs. He pretends to be perfect so he makes me a villain. That is why he was ignoring me when I would speak up and he was pretending that all is well when I was obviously hurting.

Now you guys, take from what I said of my husband and see if you can see your own in it. I am not saying you have to hate him and want him to suffer, I sure did not want that for mine, but this will help you get better prospective. What your husbands are doing is looking our for themselves, their own needs, not yours. Everything they are doing is to preserve their own way of living, to make them happy and to not disturb their own peace. Do you get it? They do not care that you are unhappy, that you are hurting, that your peace is forever disturbed. It does not matter why this is, it does not matter whose fault this is, what matters is the fact that you are not happy. If they loved you, really loved you, the way you loved them all this time, they should forget their own needs and wants and help you get where you want to be, make it easier not harder. Do you understand? But they are not doing it. So you have to. You have to do it. You have to take care of your own self because if you do not do it, nobody else will.

I am sending you loads of love and care from far away my friends. I am glad you find solace in my words, I wish I can do more. I know this holiday will be hard for you, but do try to enjoy it as much as you can with your kids and family.

@freeatlast2021

I do not know your husbands but you say they are nice and kind, so, not wanting to offend or hurt you, I will take my ex as an example. It takes two to tango. While my ex did not hit me, cheat on me, drink or gamble, and was totally confused and still tells everyone he has no idea why I left him, he did mistreat me. While I loved him with all my heart, did everything I could to adjust to his idea of a perfect wife and a lover, did all I could around the house, supported him through his own professional development sacrificing my own, he did not give back the same way. He was selfish, only looked out for himself, did what he wanted, how he wanted and when he wanted and did not really look out for me. When I would complain he would not really listen, he would not make an effort to change, he would not compromise or give in for the sake of my happiness. So even in the end, he never once took any kind of responsibility for our break up. My ex, claims that he was a great husband, lover and a friend and basically blames me for breaking our marriage. Now you tell me, if he loved me like he says he does, and cares for me like he says he does, would not he want what is best for me? If I am not happy and he loves me, should not he do what I want, should not he try to make my exit as easy as possible, if I am indeed a love of his life and he is selfless and caring?

No! He is selfish and self-centred, he only cares about himself and his own needs. He pretends to be perfect so he makes me a villain. That is why he was ignoring me when I would speak up and he was pretending that all is well when I was obviously hurting.

Now you guys, take from what I said of my husband and see if you can see your own in it. I am not saying you have to hate him and want him to suffer, I sure did not want that for mine, but this will help you get better prospective. What your husbands are doing is looking our for themselves, their own needs, not yours. Everything they are doing is to preserve their own way of living, to make them happy and to not disturb their own peace. Do you get it? They do not care that you are unhappy, that you are hurting, that your peace is forever disturbed. It does not matter why this is, it does not matter whose fault this is, what matters is the fact that you are not happy. If they loved you, really loved you, the way you loved them all this time, they should forget their own needs and wants and help you get where you want to be, make it easier not harder. Do you understand? But they are not doing it. So you have to. You have to do it. You have to take care of your own self because if you do not do it, nobody else will.

I am sending you loads of love and care from far away my friends. I am glad you find solace in my words, I wish I can do more. I know this holiday will be hard for you, but do try to enjoy it as much as you can with your kids and family.

This is the most helpful thing I have ever read. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you

@brightorbleakfuture So happy to hear my post was helpful. I wish you all the best. Do come back and tell us your story.

How is everyone getting on? It’s so hard this time of year when things aren’t right. I’ve basically been trying to keep a smile on my face for everyone else’s sakes when inside I feel completely broken. The more the day went on the more I became determined to take action so I’m not just in the same situation forever.

I woke up feeling rough but H wouldn’t get up, get me some water, or get any breakfast sorted. So I got up and did everything as usual. Then did all the Christmas dinner by myself with no help at all. I was just standing there chopping carrots thinking “what am I doing?” I was trying to picture myself with someone who would be there with me, doing it together and having fun. He got me a present - a bracelet which still had the £12.99 tag on it. I’m not very materialistic and don’t usually care how much things cost but this did feel a bit rubbish from someone who is apparently so in love with me it’s stopping me leaving for fear of hurting him. His head is still in the sand. He says he loves me several times a day but it’s almost like he just says it because he thinks he’s supposed to. When he says it and I don’t respond he just keeps repeating it again and again. I feel like screaming “I heard you!” But I’m weak and pathetic so I end up mumbling it back. Which feels horrible. Surely he must want someone who will say this and mean it themselves, and not just when they are pressured to?
Sorry, I’m just feeling miserable today. I think I really have got to the point where I know it’s over and I need to do something. And probably soon. I feel so sad at the thought of going into yet another year of feeling like this. But at the same time terrified about the consequences.

I hope you’re all ok and have managed to have a good Christmas xx

Hi @HoneyDaze, I have felt a lot of what you’re feeling over the past couple of days. I’m sure your H knows exactly how you feel, you just need to find the courage to spell it out clearly (much easier said than done). He sounds incredibly frustrating, like a complete disregard for you and how you feel. I know all too well how easy it is to let the guilt take over and you see your H as some kind of saint, forgiving all flaws because you know you’re going to instigate something that will hurt them, but keep perspective, and channel the anger that he feels like it’s ok to continue like you are.

For me, since we had the conversation last week, things have been ‘ok’. At times I feel like something has shifted and he is keeping a distance and understands what is happening, at others he just carries on as normal. But something has definitely shifted in me, I’m not going to just carry on like this anymore, and in the new year we go through with what we discussed and in actually feel more determined than ever.

Sending love and solidarity as always, hope everyone else is doing ok xxx

Hi all, just rejoined mumsnet after many years and so pleased to come across this thread. It’s like seeing my life on one page. I’ve been officially separated since September 21 from my H of 28 years. Although he’s still in the house. Sleeping on the sofa. Like most the pandemic really has been the final nail in our marriage. I’ve been unhappy for several years but always wanted to keep things going for the kids. My youngest is old enough thankfully now to handle the situation but it’s been a real emotional rollercoaster. I’ve spoken with a solicitor and will be filing for a divorce in January. My solicitor says l can file under UB. It’s scary but l think l can’t allow fear to prevent me from moving on with my life anymore. Living with this man child is so stressful.

@Isabel2021 Hi. I too have discovered this forum and it is such a comfort (although really sad) to find people in similar situations. I felt like the only person in the world to be feeling this way when we decided to separate last month.
We'll be telling our little girl in Jan so that's the next hurdle ☹️.
I'm trying to think positively towards the new year, new start, but it's so overwhelming x

I'm so pleased to have found this thread - well not pleased obviously, because it's sad how many of us there are in the same situation, but hopefully you know what I mean.

On paper I have a 'good' husband. Everyone tells me what a great guy he is. No one would understand why I wouldn't want to be with him. But I don't.

I haven't said anything yet but I've been in this place too long now and I can feel that something has to happen. The main thing holding me back now is our lovely boys who will be very sad. But this is a bad example for them. They are 13 and 9 - I'm scared how it will impact on them.

I haven't read the whole thread - just the first few pages from back in April/May time & the most recent ones, but so much has resonated with me.

Just got to pluck up the courage now...

It’s so good to see this thread has helped more people, but sorry to see others here and in the same boat. I wonder if the time of year has got more people thinking about doing something about it. For me it has - either because I don’t want to go into another year of feeling like this, or because we’re spending more time together because of the Christmas break so it’s making things feel worse. Or both! Mind you I felt exactly the same last year too and I didn’t do anything about it. I feel really strongly that I want 2022 to be different and don’t want to start a new year feeling like I’m not being completely honest. But on the other hand that gives me a very tight deadline now with only having one day left of 2021! Is it better to wait until after new year? It’s going to be rubbish whenever it happens. Although it shouldn’t be a surprise as we’ve had the conversation about my feelings not being the same as they were before, but it just didn’t sink in so I feel like this will be just like having that conversation for the first time. Again. But the children - should i get through tomorrow having a nice day and evening for them and then turn life upside down after that? Or just get it done and go into the new year being open and honest? It’s also rare to have time for W proper talk when we have teenagers who go to bed later than I do!

Huge welcome and big hugs to the new readers, and also to those of us who have been here for a while. We’ve got this, and we’ve got each other for support. We really do deserve to be happy xx

Evening everyone and hi to any newcomers, it’s nice to hear that this thread continues to provide some comfort.
@lemonmeringue85 how are you doing?
@HoneyDaze as ever, much of what you said has resonated with me. We’ve been plodding along over the past couple of weeks since we last spoke about things, that’s been inevitable due to the time of year, but I know the longer this goes on the more he thinks that things are ‘normal’ again. Unbelievably frustrating!
Like you, I know I need to address again in the next few days. In answer to your questions about when, I would just take whatever opportunity you can, whenever that may be. I’m not sure that in the grand scheme of things it really matters whether before new year or after.
I guess you do have to factor in what his reaction may be. Is he likely to kick off and become angry? Or become upset? It’s tricky trying to navigate it all and constantly trying to second guess, I’m so tired of it all.
Keep posting and let us know how you get on, following with interest and sending love your way xxxx

Well. I have finally been gone for three months. The house was sorted; he has moved an hour away; our child is thriving. Just filed for divorce today.

On the final step to getting him out my life. ✨

I’ve been following this thread and wanted to join. I can hear myself in so many of your posts. My husband hasn’t done anything wrong or been nasty but I have no desire for him anymore whatsoever. We’ve been having counselling and it has only made me angry really. I realised that one of the problems is that I’ve been mothering him throughout our 15 years together - in fact it started even before we got together as we were friends for many years. I find myself worrying about how HE is going to cope when we separate. The only thing holding me back is our 3 children.

@OneGlamMama

Well. I have finally been gone for three months. The house was sorted; he has moved an hour away; our child is thriving. Just filed for divorce today.

On the final step to getting him out my life. ✨

Well done 👏🏼

@ToBeHappy when l told my youngest he was initially upset but as the months have rolled on he l think will be relieved to see us apart finally living separate lives. I unfortunately have a joint tenancy so l can't just change the locks. I will have to pray he completes the financial statement before l potentially get him out. I know it's his home too but he has the financial ability to move out. So frustrating

@OneGlamMama this is really positive to hear, well done!

It sounds as though many of us are just waiting to get through tomorrow now.
I feel absolutely sick at the thought of it but we have planned to tell our daughter next week while still on school hols 😞.

To add to the problem we are both poorly with covid and everything is such a mess.

Sadly we will be putting our lovely house up for sale as I won't be able to afford it on my own.

Big, frightening changes around the corner but I'm hoping that this time next year I'll look back and thank myself for having the strength to break the constant cycle of unhappiness.

Here's to a better year for us all x

I too have been reading this thread over the past couple of weeks from start to finish. I'm so inspired by you're strength and totally empathise with everything you are all feeling. I too am feeling like I want out of my 10 year marriage/20 years together, not intimate for 18m and now don't see him this way we have had a total communication break down he doesn't talk about anything just sweeps it al under the carpet. Told him in nov I wanted out and he begged me to try, it's all he says is try but his try is just be nice to each other and forget everything, there's only so much you can do this.

Feeling lost coming into the new year about what it may bring, and the hurdles I will need to jump over to find my happiness again, it's so daunting.

Also how do people afford to separate, we can just about afford one household let alone splitting and affording two between us, money and the kids are preventing me taking action atm.

Totally need to hear some success stories from you lovely lot ❤️

Mmm..interesting thread..
I don't suppose any of you are in the throws of the menopause ?
This is me now, aged 50 and really can't see a way forward with OH, whom I have been with for 20 years.
We have two teens and live in his house, but really I am thinking it may be better if I moved out, However, my hormones are playing havoc, we have been through a lot together, including serious illness and I can't work out what I want to do.
Everything is a fuzz as I need to be on the correct HRT and just can't find that balance!
How do you afford to separate?
My income is hopelessly low.
Suppose a plan of some kind is needed!

I'm so pleased to have found this thread, thank you everyone for sharing your stories.
I'm in a similar situation, but maybe a slightly earlier stage than most as I haven't talked to DH about it yet. It feels like once I do then there is no turning back, and I'm scared of opening that door. We've been together for 20 years and married for 9, kids are 7 and 4. Like many others on here have said, we are just living like flatmates, sleeping in separate rooms, there is no intimacy. I don't think he has even given me a hug for at least a year and I don't try to hug him, because he always tries to turn it into sex and I just can't face that with someone who basically ignores me the rest of the time, and seems to have no respect for me.
He hasn't done anything awfully wrong - no cheating, lying, drinking, physical abuse etc. From the outside, things probably look great, we have a lovely house, happy kids, I have a successful business and he is a stay at home dad. Sometimes I wonder am I crazy to want to throw that away? But we've grown apart and I don't think we even like each other very much any more. We don't argue much but that's mainly because we barely talk. He's become quite right wing recently with some very extreme views which I can't stand. I'm worried about the example being set for my kids.
So I'm trying to pluck up the courage to raise the subject of a potential separation. I'm not sure how he will react. I suspect we would both like to stay with the kids and the house but not each other! But I can't see how that can work.
Some of the descriptions on this thread have really resonated with me. Thank you for helping me feel less alone and I'm sorry that so many of you are going through tough times.

Hi everyone.. new and old ☺️

I've had a break off here for a couple of weeks, I'm not doing too good mental health wise and probably been the lowest I've been over the past few weeks. I cannot believe I am still in the same situation I wrote on here about last April, not expecting a single reply.. yet instead finding my people!

Xmas and new year has been hell. I spent new year at work at the hospital I work at with the most amazing colleagues but I am filled with anxiety. It's affecting everything currently and I still feel no closer to solving the issue - I'm such a bloody coward. The main thing stopping me finally calling time on my marriage is the kids. They are struggling so much right now with various things and I feel upsetting them will be so damaging.

I'm in a hole. I'm low, I'm sad and I wish it would all just bloody go away.