AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

Thank you all lovely ladies for your good wishes, I am having great time with my daughters. I needed this sooo much. Being away from my STBX is so great, I feel so mutch better both mentaly and phisicaly you have no idea. I am already dreading returning home tomorrow. This week I would really like to talk to the kids (although I am very anxious about it too) but he is hesitant, so we will see.

@lemonmeringue85 sounds like you’ve taken a step forwards which is great. I think I have felt what you are feeling, the sheer relief of getting things in the open makes your perspective change and maybe view things more positively?? I don’t know, maybe it’s different for you but I do recognise what you’re saying.

I’ve had a mixed week. I got the job I interviewed for which was a real confidence boost above all else. But H and I have not been great today. He went out with friends and had a few drinks, needless to say he thought this might be a good time to discuss the future 🙄 we’ve been here before and after a few drinks perspective goes out the window and he is just insulting. I didn’t entertain the conversation, told him we need to make decisions with a clear head. The last thing he said to me before going to bed was ‘look I’ve taken off my wedding ring after 17 years’. The most frustrating thing is he’ll probably go on tomorrow as if nothing has happened-it feels like one extreme to another!

@SummerSazz have a fab weekend, if it works it works!!

@loveyourself2020 great to hear you are relaxed and enjoying your weekend, hold on to that positive feeling and talk to your children this week, it’s the next step xx

I'd been unhappy for years, told him I wanted to separate but he persuaded me to stay, I still wanted to go, 10 days before I left he raped me. The day I left I came home from work in an awful mood, he said something & I flipped, we had a massive argument & he lit all the rings on the hob & started throwing things on it, ds had been doing something about fire & rang 999, he was only 6, I found him speaking to the operator & took the phone off him & told them they weren't needed. The police came knocking on the door, I told them I wanted to leave & they waited until I got some belongings in a bag for me & ds, they even carried his hamster cage for him, we spent the night in a travelodge. I hadn't told my husband I had met someone else. The morning after we left I went back to get some more clothes, he had changed the lock on the front door, I had to ask my neighbour to climb over the back fence & unlock the back gate so I could get in the back door, the best thing was I owned the house, not him, he had never contributed to it, he refused to move out even though I was eventually living in a 1 bedroomed flat with ds & my new partner, I never forgave him for that & the rape & never will even though it was 11 years ago.

We had been kind of leading separate lives for ages, if he was upstairs I was down, if he came down, I went up, we slept separately but in the same bed iyswim, we hadn't had sex for probably 9 months except for the rape, I couldn't stand the sight of him, everything he did annoyed me. I have never regretted leaving him, the only thing I mourned was losing the house I loved.

I've found my people! I've been having a really similar problem with my DH. No intimacy (because i just don't want it- he really does), living as friends, small children and lots of niggling doubts.

We've had a few long conversations about it and he definitely does not want to separate. And I'm not sure I do either. I just want it to feel easier.

We get on well as friends and I think a separation would be the end of that.

I'm booked in to see the GP about my complete lack of libido.
I'm also enquiring about couples counselling (except it costs an arm and leg!).

So helpful to read others stories and not feel so alone.

@Yellowswan congratulations on the job! I hope you've celebrated, or are planning on doing?! It's amazing news.
Sorry to hear the OH has been a bit of a twat. Vent on here anytime, I'm sure many can relate! Hope you're ok x

@Nat6999 god I'm so so sorry to hear what you've been through. Sending love your way, and bravo for getting out of that. I hope you've found happiness now and life is good for you.
Thankyou for sharing.

@carolcarolcarrot I could have wrote your words myself. I too visited my gp, had all the blood tests and there's nothing. They're all normal. He suggested a change in contraception as I currently have the mirena coil but to be honest, I'm fed up of the hormones. I want leaving alone. OH has point blank refused the snip, which is fine, but he wants no more children. I've been through several sections and countless issues 'down there' since and yet I'm still expected to put up with being noddled every few years and the side effects that comes with it. I can't win. I'm on antidepressants and have been since early on in the relationship.. my mood isn't great currently and anxiety is sky high. But I wonder if it's him.. is it because of the loss of attraction? It's so stressful.
Always here with an ear

How's everyone?

I split from my husband 11 years ago, I was with my partner for 5 years but sadly he passed away. I'm on my own now with ds, but I'm happy, I was diagnosed with Autism 18 months ago & it has made me realise that me & relationships aren't good together I'm a loner, I like my own space & feel smothered when I am in a relationship.

Evening everybody, hope you’re all ok.

As predicted H has basically pretended Saturday didn’t happen and we’re fully back to burying head in sand. I don’t know what’s worse, the panic and sadness when he is horrible, or the frustration when he pretends it’s not happening. I am also well aware that I have my own part to play here, not being fully honest, not being definitive which I guess is really unfair of me.

We have a ‘side’ issue of being forced to move house (we rent) so needing to make practical decisions in a relatively short amount of time with all the stress that brings too.

I just don’t know what to do for the best. I can keep things on an even keel- basically not voicing how I feel (even though H actually knows) and get this house move done smoothly before the next upheaval (for the kids). But I almost feel like I’m stringing H along, even though he knows how I feel but won’t address it.

I really hate this, hope everyone else is ok xxx

@lemonmeringue85 @Yellowswan I hope you're hanging in there?

@lemonmeringue85 I'm also on anti anxiety/depression meds and have been since before being with DH. He freely admits, not that he 'can't' understand 'the mental health thing', having never had a problem. Ugh, therefore implying I'm the looney.

Spent the day mowing the lawn and playing footie/swing ball

with DS9 in the sunshine today. DH wandered away from the laptop aimlessly then napped on the sofa as there was 'nothing he felt like doing in this heat'. I swear the neighbours already think I'm a single parent.

@carolcarolcarrot - welcome to the little band all trooping along. DH and I are separated but currently on holiday together with friends. We're having a lovely time as friends - I'm still reminded every day why we aren't together but I still hold a lot of affection for him and hope we can always stay friends. I even bought him a T-shirt yesterday which I thought he'd like (bargain on a sale rail 😄)

We had a really really good chat on our 3 hour drive here. Sorted out a few things in the financial settlement that had been niggling me which was a weight off mind. It was nice to have the time to do it and both in a good mindframe. Teenager was in the back with headphones plugged in!

@Yellowswan congratulations on the new job, that's brilliant 👏. Sorry to hear you've got to move and also that H is burying his head in the sand: you can't keep walking on eggshells and nor is it your responsibility to keep everything on an even keel. I hope you can find the right opportunity to talk again - I do think timing is everything with these chats but those moments don't present often

@Nat6999 glad to hear you are out of that situation.

Another one here, 16 yrs together not married. We are definitely at the end of the line, lots of issues with his drugs and alcohol ( him) and general passiveness,I take the lead on everything.
Holidays house renovation schooling everything. He is capable as he holds down a senior role but in the house does the bare minimum.
I definitely have the ick and have for a while now no intimacy for past 14 months and it’s a relief not to.
Thought I could just keep plodding on for the kids 14,12,10 one of whom has special needs but I don’t think I can.
This is the bit I struggle with so much my dad left for a couple of years when I was 10 and although I think both me and my older sister were relatively unscathed my younger sister was not and has never had a serious relationship, this of course may be coincidence but I am terrified to destabilise my kids, they have a nice life and I don’t think are aware how things really are. Maybe I am kidding myself and they see it loud and clear.

Had a big conversation at beginning of lockdown about how unhappy I was and his initial reaction was that he didn’t want to be a weekend dad, he hardly does anything with the kids.
Have read this thread and have emailed a counsellor who I am going to see alone first hopefully.
Most of my close friends know our problems and won’t be surprised if we do split, so at least I don’t have that hurdle to pass.
Sorry you are all going through the same stress x

Can I join plse. 16 years married, 2 kids (11 & 14) a lovely home and huge mortgage. But I don't want him, I don't love him and I don't want sex with him. We haven't had any intimacy for over a year now and no sex for probably longer. I couldn't face sex with him ever again. That says it all really.

How the hell do I tell him I am unhappy ? I'm not interested in counselling, there is no going back for me. I am desperate to tell him but I don't have the balls. I also worry about being lonely, so very very lonely and what if this is the biggest mistake of my life ?

So many of us with the 'ick'! Welcome @Dailydingo and otter newcomers. I know exactly what you mean- I know there's no getting around the inevitable but am scared of the loneliness the future may bring. I've never fallen into relationships easily and find fault v easily with potential partners so I could be facing the rest of my life alone. Bit scary really.

A friend of mine gave me a badge she had sewn reading 'yes you can', so am passing on the goodwill message to everyone here..

YES, WE CAN!!!
YOU ARE ENOUGH!!

Thanks for all your kind words. I can highly recommend a weekend away if you can manage it, the only downside is coming home again and knowing that nothing has changed and you still feel the same as you did before you left. Have decided to work on an escape plan for when last child heads off to uni in September, incredibly difficult but cannot live with someone I don't love for another 30 years. Hope you're all doing OK x

@Dailydingo I felt exactly like you a few months ago. I’m not much further forwards really, but we have talked about separation so I don’t feel scared about dropping the bomb like I did before. It’s so hard to build the courage to have that first conversation, I really feel for you xx

Wow, so many relatable stories. I felt so alone before I reached out on here and like I was the worst person in the world for 'stringing him along'. It's heartbreaking, we're away currently with friends and their kids and I just know I can't do it anymore. I was hoping it would bring us closer, give us space away from home and work and general routine of everyday life.. but I just can't.

I'm so scared it's going to be the biggest mistake of my life but I can't see a way out of it at all. I don't want to upset the kids, they have a really good life and good opportunities etc. I feel like I've totally failed.

@Nat6999 sorry to hear of your loss. You sound like you've not had the easiest time, I sincerely hope you're happy and I'm sure the diagnosis will help with a lot of things. A family member is in the same boat at 35. Lots of love x

@SummerSazz your words give me hope! I can only imagine such a positive outcome at the moment, in reality it feels like I'm tearing the family apart.

Love to all, hope you're all hanging in there wherever you are at on this bloody shitty journey

@lemonmeringue85 I'm hoping it will be positive abs I'm sure yours can be too, assuming you want to try and retain some kind of 'relationship'. Tbh we are muddling through one day at a time!

Welcome to everyone else . I too am a bit scared about being alone/lonely. But I'll just get some more cats and all will be grand 

@Scooby2021 glad you had a nice break. And although it may be stifling coming home I hope it gives you some resolve x

@BTE152 that message 'yes you can' is spot on!! 💕

Sorry for those I've missed - old and new! Need to sleep now, but just remember you can change your circumstances and it WILL be ok no matter how scary it is right now to initiate conversations. 💐

Sorry to jump in on this thread- I had to say something as I felt very similar to a lot of you 10 years ago when I was trying to decide if/when to break up my marriage.
I reached a breaking point and decided it had to end. It wasn’t easy- both DC’s reacted badly (understandable) and were very upset. My eldest DS really struggled with it for a while. My ex husband (who I had never considered to be abusive) told me I wouldn’t cope as a single mother, repeatedly tried to blow up the house by leaving all the gas rings on full and unlit and started writing stories about a man who burned his family alive and buried them in the garden...we had to live together for 18 months like this as we couldn’t afford not to. I feared for our lives the whole time.

BUT fast forward 10 years, my 2 DS are fine and happy, I have a new DP who I have been with for 6 years, I have a better job because I pushed myself to do better for the kids and things are just so much easier in every way. For the first time in my life, I am enjoying things and not just surviving.

My eldest has also told me that he completely understands why we separated and it has since given him strength to get out of an unhappy relationship- so to all those people worried about what it will do to their DC’s, it does get better with time and my experience has been that they will respect you more as adults if you don’t stay in a miserable relationship, however hard it is to leave.

Well, after reading everyone’s posts I have taken the bull by the horns. Booked a therapy appointment for next week and then told him about it. I am going to go on my own first and then get him to come. I am not interested in rekindling but I am committed to co parenting in the best possible way given the circumstances.
So I want to thank you all for chatting because it can feel like the world is full of happy couples and we were the anomaly at times x

@Borderterrierpuppy great to hear you’re moving forwards, keep going 💐

How did he take it?

@Borderterrierpuppy
Good for you! It seems that we are in a similar position in some ways. I also had a chat with my STBX (writing this feels so good), before the lockdown and said that I was unhappy, had enough and would like to try councelling. He flat out said, no, he is not comfortable talking to a stranger. I did anyway, and soon after I started I came to a conclusion I did not want to stay with him anymore. Then, Covid came..... We had a big discussion where he almost left, but I (stupidly), told him to stay because of Covid. I said, lets try to be our best selves and see where it goes. I new that this was just prolonging the inevitable but perhaps he did not. Last year was hell for us, some Covid related some not. One thing after another. I kept wanting to talk to him, but bad news kept preventing me. Finally a situation presented itself and I said it. He was shocked.

It has been six weeks. I have been sleeping on the floor of our shared bedroom. We have not yet told the kids. He agreed to leave but I do not know when he will find a suitable place. It is very expensive where we live and he is not earning as much right now.

I would say, good for you for starting the process. It is hard, very hard, but you know how they say, it has to get worse before it will get better. We should all "get together" afterwards to share our experiences. When all this is over. Hugs.

Congratulations @Borderterrierpuppy, I hope it goes well for you both. I totally know what you mean about a world full of happy couples.

@lemonmeringue85 I also know how you feel about failing the kids. They seem so unsuspecting and I just don't know how they will take the change, especially as my eldest DD has just been diagnosed with autism. What's helping me when I have doubts is reassuring myself that the alternative of struggling on together is unthinkable and would only prolong the inevitable.

Well he looked surprised that I was bringing it up! I asked him if he was happy to just bumble along without real happiness in our relationship and he said he was going to try and make things better in the future. He then went to the pub, says it all really !