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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Man going for 50:50 custody

187 replies

toobusytothink · 02/01/2021 18:15

Male friend of mine is going for 50:50 custody of his two sons. He is an incredible dad and genuinely wants this - it isn’t to avoid child maintenance - he genuinely believes the kids would be better off with him and he is and has always been a very hands on dad. His ex is likely to oppose it and has no idea - she thinks he will be asking for EOW and one night a week. Any tips on best way to ensure he gets this?

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2021hastobebetter · 02/01/2021 18:18

Make sure he has wrap around childcare / family support evidenced if possible and they should already know the children.

No reason why not my brother got 50/50 and then got 75/25.

Lovemusic33 · 02/01/2021 18:19

More parents are managing to get 50/50 now which I think is great. Sorry I don’t have any real advice, the only thing I remember from a friend going through the same was he was asked about work and child care (wether his work hours were flexible to fit around the dc’s). If he works long hours and his ex does not then this could give a reason for her to have the dc more than him.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 02/01/2021 18:26

Thank you. His work is flexible. They have been separated but living in the same house for over 2 years now and has been doing 50:50 in all that time. His ex works full time as does he so she has no extra flexibility due to work and he has deliberately chosen a job which is fairly flexible. Kids already go to after school club no matter who’s “evening” it is. Unfortunately his family aren’t nearby but hers are ... He hasn’t moved out yet but plans on getting a place local to the school

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Nothernewname · 02/01/2021 18:37

My husband was very clear from the start he wanted 50:50 - We have always shared the childcare that way anyway and I couldn't honestly see how I could fight it other than it being for my own selfish reasons. Maybe she will be reasonable but if not I would have thought the precedent of 50:50 will be strong

How old are the children as if they are over a certain age they may have a say in it also

First step surely though is to make his intentions clear to his wife in a way that isn't combative but rather an assumption given that they already share the load like that.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 02/01/2021 18:49

Unfortunately everything he says she takes as being confrontational. She actually can’t cope very well with looking after the kids and working so You would expect that she would be appreciative of it and happy that he is a dad who wants to have his kids. But she is likely to challenge it just because he suggests it - she thinks he always does what he wants and gets his own way. They can’t talk without arguing so I don’t know how he could raise it. She also has a bf so hopefully she will be happy with lots of alone time with him. But he is scared to ask as he has to live in the same house as her for the meantime and it’s hard enough as it is without her having something else to kick off about... he does 50:50 and he has set that out in writing but she won’t admit he does despite it being factually correct - she just can’t see it so won’t accept that that is what has been happening

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Original poster
toobusytothink · 02/01/2021 18:49

Kids are young so that won’t help unfortunately

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247SylviaPlath · 02/01/2021 19:30

No reason why he shouldn’t have shared custody as long as he has appropriate arrangements and flexibility in place for the kids - it shouldn’t be about what is best for the parents but the kids - that may be 50/50 or may be something else (so many factors to take into account). What would be sensible is sitting down and working out how this would work in terms of the kids and stability (including what those arrangements would be 2/2/3 is often more sensible for younger kids who struggle with long times away from either parent as an example).

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2021 19:34

If they're young it's worse because of the transitions. They shouldn't be away from either parent for very long but that means a lot of moving around. Not ideal.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 02/01/2021 19:52

Yes I think he would rather shorter periods with each parent as he would struggle not seeing them for 7 days. But as you say it is what is best for the kids definitely - my main thought is that his ex would actually struggle to have them full time and she is a better mum when she has them less. She suffers from anxiety and whilst he would never use that against her it is something he is concerned about and her ability to cope. It’s annoying because they have been house sharing for the last 2 years with the other going elsewhere when it’s not their evening, but recently she has decided she wants to be “home” more. It was working really well - kids stayed in family home so no disruption for them. I know it’s not ideal going between 2 homes but surely that happens whether it’s one two or three nights a week. Why is it easier if they are with one parent more than the other? Genuine question

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SueDeNimm · 02/01/2021 19:56

Make sure his 50/50 includes doctors and dentists, sick days, shopping for school shoes and uniforms, play dates and birthday parties. If he's trying to get 70 % of the fun stuff and leave her with the weekday drudge work she may not be thrilled.

If his custody is allowing her to work and have a social life and quality time with their child then it will be easier. If he wants every weekend and no school runs and to be able to work without child minding having any impact on that then he is BU.

Lemonpiano · 02/01/2021 19:59

Why are you so invested?

Original poster
toobusytothink · 02/01/2021 20:00

Because he’s a good friend and been through a hard time and I want to help.

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Original poster
toobusytothink · 02/01/2021 20:01

He would definitely be prepared to do half the “drudge work”

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Lovemusic33 · 02/01/2021 20:03

@Lemonpiano

Why are you so invested?
I’m guessing she’s possibly in a relationship with him? 🤔 or maybe just a friend.

Anyway they will be advised to go to mediation before going to court so he will at some point have to put forward what he wants regarding access, if she refuses then he will have to drag it through the courts.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 02/01/2021 20:06

Thank you. No I’m happily loved up - genuinely I’m just a friend and I trust mumsnet and have had good advice myself so thought I’d give it a shot for him

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Original poster
toobusytothink · 02/01/2021 20:06

Ok so sounds as though he really should try talking to her

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Theunamedcat · 02/01/2021 20:09

Suggest mediation for him even if she kicks off when reality hits with her he will get 50/50 organically anyway

Original poster
toobusytothink · 02/01/2021 20:14

Yes that’s what I think. I think her initial reaction will be no - just because he suggests it and because she will see it as some kind of failure I think (and cares a lot about what others think) but agree that actually if she thinks about it it would really suit her - she gets lots of time to herself and will be happy. Fingers crossed. And she is so used to him doing 50:50 it would be an absolute shock to the system. She has no idea what it’s like. At the moment she insists he does his share even down to the nearest minute so it’s odd she now wants almost full custody

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SillyOldMummy · 02/01/2021 20:16

My brother has 50:50 custody of his kids, they are 10 and 14 now. But they were 4 and 8 when his ex wife walked out to be with her lover.

He and his ex have the kids alternate weeks, swapping on a Thursday, except in the summer when they split the long vacation into two chunks. The kids have clothes at both houses so they don't need to worry about packing. The kids each got phones very young so they could keep in touch with the other parent. It works pretty well.

I don't see any reason at all why your friend shouldn't have 50:50 access if he is prepared to live nearby, host playdates and parties, take the kids to extracurricular clubs etc. My brother loves being a hands on dad and the kids appreciate him enormously. It's worth trying, tell your friend to go for it.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 02/01/2021 20:19

Thank you - that’s lovely to hear. Yes he wants all that - and yes he does know how hard it is but is used to doing all that anyway

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MrsBrunch · 02/01/2021 20:22

Why are they still living together?

Ultimateblends · 02/01/2021 20:24

DC dad and I have 50/50, as a mother I would never advise anyone to do this - I have been living this way since DC was about 2/3.

No practical advice, as I agreed. If I had a time machine I would never agree now. We have a nightmare with it now, he has a wife and other children and it makes for quite an extreme change.

We do one week with one, second week ther other parent.

Earlier this year I had to put my foot down with the arrangement when I found I was bending over backwards to give them what they wanted eg. Holidays, extra days for birthdays - but when I asked for any extra time I was a firm no.
I have since made the 50/50 iron clad. No messing around for birthdays, Xmas etc. Whenever another parent has him, its tough for the other one.

DC is now 7, and seems to be content, but the extremes between the two houses make things so difficult.

I wish you friend luck, but its likely to not be an easy journey, being 50/50.

auberJohn · 02/01/2021 20:25

He needs to evidence that he can physically care for the children and demonstrate that he has a bullet proof parenting plan that also mitigates any typical unforeseen circumstances.

If relations with his STBX are seen as toxic by the family court, this can work against him (even if he is not the instigator) - they may consider that the children should not be exposed to the toxicity and therefore order that the children live with one parent for a greater proportion of time (usually the mother).

He has to demonstrate that he is passive and professional, even in the face of accusations, acrimony and conflict - they want to see that he is child focussed. It's almost trial by fire. It's hard, but there is a bigger picture at stake.

Good luck to him.

Cleverpolly3 · 02/01/2021 20:30

@Lemonpiano

Why are you so invested?
Just what I was wondering
Original poster
toobusytothink · 02/01/2021 20:30

Thank you. Yes I did mention to him that from what I’d heard 50:50 only works if it is friendly ... and I did hear that about the courts because obviously it requires a lot of correspondence to ensure truly 50:50 including over buying clothes etc. But he doesn’t seem deterred by that. Who knows, maybe they will be ok and get on once it’s all agreed? He is always calm but unfortunately she is clever and us only nasty to his face. All written correspondence from her is carefully thought out. But yes he does have to ensure he is squeaky clean and accommodating

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