Man going for 50:50 custody

[toobusytothink]

Male friend of mine is going for 50:50 custody of his two sons. He is an incredible dad and genuinely wants this - it isn’t to avoid child maintenance - he genuinely believes the kids would be better off with him and he is and has always been a very hands on dad. His ex is likely to oppose it and has no idea - she thinks he will be asking for EOW and one night a week. Any tips on best way to ensure he gets this?

@MillieMooBee

This whole thing baffles me. I split from my husband 2 years ago and there wasn't even a moment when I didn't think 50/50 was just standard. Our daughter loves us both and wants to be with us both. Us deciding to separate shouldn't mean that she doesn't get to see us equally.

It's beyond my comprehension that mothers believe that they should be in the driving seat with it all. Why do they believe that they should be making the decision? I just genuinely do not understand it. Saying that the child needs one primary place to live is an excuse in my eyes. If that is the case then why should that automatically be with the mother?

Just to say though that if there are reasons why the child should be with one more than the other I.e crap parent then I get that. Otherwise I'm baffled.

The sooner the law changes for a more equal footing the better.

In my case, it was because I was a SAHM and did every single scrap of the child-related stuff. XH loves them, obviously, but the status quo so far as the DC were concerned was for me to continue to do all this and for him to be largely absent. It would have been very, very weird for them to be going back to an empty house/going to after school activities half the time while they waited for him to come back from work, just in order to tick a '50:50' box. They have overall probably seen more of him since we divorced, despite me being the 'base', as he has to make more of an effort than he did when we were married.

Same here. Exh is far more hands on now than he ever was whilst married.

The fact is if 50/50 is the starting point, and I fully believe it should be, it needs to start from birth, with men insisting on equality in sharing care of their children from the outset. And it’s only then, will women achieve equality in the workplace too! In the families in my social circle, fathers take a back seat, there are a handful who are more progressive but by and large they are few and far between. And then you find it’s only upon divorce that they suddenly want to play an active role in their children’s lives.

Of the two cases I know of that have done 50/50 from the outset with under 7’s, it’s not been a positive experience. It’s been hugely unsettling for the dc, part of the issue in those instances have been that one party has moved in fairly quickly with someone else which has resulted in massive upset for the dc.

I personally would have been fine with 50/50 if I felt that it came from a place of genuine desire to share care. But as it was, I was a sahp, I had a 3 yr old and a 15 month old that I had to hand over to my MIL for interim contact, whilst exh continued working long hours and commuting. He had ample opportunity at that point, to show the judge willingness in meeting the needs of his children but he didn’t. Even now years down the line, post divorce, he refuses to do his mid week contact (pre covid) I offer over and above the usual EOW, the majority of the time he declines. I can’t force him and neither would I want to. So it just goes to show that sometimes it’s all just power play.

Dc love spending time with him, but his engagement with them beyond a fun uncle type figure is minimal. When shit hits the fan, lost kits, dental appointments, illness, hair cuts, they need support with school, tutoring, homework, parents evening, running them around for their extra curricular activities, play dates, their birthday parties etc, it’s me who deals with it. But if you spoke to him I’m sure you’d get a completely different story.

I guess perhaps my view on this is slightly bias because my Exh was and still is very hands on and has been completley 50/50 since birth. That's why when we split it didn't even enter my head to do anything other than that!

The worst part of all this is when the kids are used as a weapon to punish a parent who clearly loves them.

I can see all perspectives x

This is the problem there should be no nuanced. Nuance causes ambiguity which then in turns to people bending rules to suit their own agenda.

50/50 Should be automatic straight away and then worked from there depending on personal circumstance.

Also I think and I will get shot down for this Maintenance pays a big part in deciding where the children are staying.

I don't agree with that; there should be no default anything!

As with deciding whether to be SAHP, part or full-time, these are individual decisions made for the right reason at the time - every family has a different set of circumstances.

We made these decisions in the best interest of the children when we had DC & you'd hope that would continue post separation.

@Coseynightin

This is the problem there should be no nuanced. Nuance causes ambiguity which then in turns to people bending rules to suit their own agenda.

50/50 Should be automatic straight away and then worked from there depending on personal circumstance.

Also I think and I will get shot down for this Maintenance pays a big part in deciding where the children are staying.

You won’t get shot down for saying maintenance plays a big part. That’s because it’s mostly men who think they will save on the maintenance by having their kids half the week. Given that maintenance is normally an insult that’s a load of bollocks and keeping a child even only half the week costs a fortune as they will find out

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and work on the premise that you don’t mean that women actually want to have their children all the time for mostly what mostly what averages out at about £100-150 if you’re lucky

Ha! @Coseynightin, the idea that RP would want residency purely for financial reasons is just ridiculous. Maintenance is pitiful and only 20% of parents actually receive it. The £8 a day dc get barely touches the sides. Basic needs, school fees, tutoring and extra curricular activities don’t pay themselves! Hands down I’d be far better off financially if my children only lived with me part of the time. But they also sure wouldn’t have everything they needed.

@Coseynightin

This is the problem there should be no nuanced. Nuance causes ambiguity which then in turns to people bending rules to suit their own agenda.

50/50 Should be automatic straight away and then worked from there depending on personal circumstance.

Also I think and I will get shot down for this Maintenance pays a big part in deciding where the children are staying.

Why should 50/50 be automatic?

I had 50/50 as a child due to my mother being a nurse and absolutely HATED it. My father was a traditional type and expected my stepmother to carry the load. He did not do the half, she did. She was ok but I will never forgive him for this and just wanted to be home with my own mum.

OP - even your apology made my skin crawl. I think you’re the man.