Man going for 50:50 custody

[toobusytothink]

Male friend of mine is going for 50:50 custody of his two sons. He is an incredible dad and genuinely wants this - it isn’t to avoid child maintenance - he genuinely believes the kids would be better off with him and he is and has always been a very hands on dad. His ex is likely to oppose it and has no idea - she thinks he will be asking for EOW and one night a week. Any tips on best way to ensure he gets this?

Still living together for couple of rubbish reasons - mainly money etc and it was working ok

I feel really sorry for kids of 50:50 care
Literally shuttled between houses and at the mercy of two sets of schedules different bedrooms etc

Not so sure it’s not actually just about mollifying parents and their lives

Oh really @Cleverpolly3 is that from experience or people you know? I admit it sounds difficult to get right

@Cleverpolly3

I feel really sorry for kids of 50:50 care Literally shuttled between houses and at the mercy of two sets of schedules different bedrooms etc

Not so sure it’s not actually just about mollifying parents and their lives

If I was being mollified I'd have fought for more than 50:50, same for their dad so not sure how that works Kids were used to 50:50 between us as a normal No shuttling involved Houses are close and they go after school to other house - two lovely bedrooms with all their stuff in, two homes and a great relationship with each parent. Each situation is different - if the children you know who it doesn't work for are unhappy with it that is sad but it is not in many cases.

This will go to a family court so they will have little interest in the relations between the separated parents - but the parents and the children.

50/50 is fairly standard now for primary age upwards, the mother will have to have some substantial and evidenced grounds as to why this should be prevented.

He should state his preference for seeing the children - alternate weeks tends to work for the children's routines the best - with open conversation should either parent need a change to that on a particular week - but not because of a night out for example, perhaps because they are away on a work trip - a one off. But either way both parents need their own support network (can be the same people - grandparents but they need to access this themselves).

7 days without them might be hard at first, but only in the beginning. Arrange nightly video calls etc whilst everyone settles.

As it is 50/50 then each parents provides for what the child needs during their week. This includes school uniforms, gym kit, and normal items at home.

He should also think about parents evenings and how he would suggest they discuss any issues along the way.

Provided their are no other circumstances there is really no reason he won't get this.

I think the key would be how they can do 50:50 but not have to speak to each other 😄 so maybe week on week off would make more sense?

From watching a friend go through the same thing, it really can depend on where you are as well. My area is known for being quite conservative and traditional, and therefor tends towards choosing one parent to be resident parent in term time.

This is definitely something he needs to talk to her about. Trust me, a court case is not good for anyone, so coming to a mutual decision is for e best here. Perhaps suggest mediation or counselling, it sounds like this would be good for them anyway as it sounds like certain things touch a nerve for her and it can be very hard to get past such strong emotions.

@YoBeaches

This will go to a family court so they will have little interest in the relations between the separated parents - but the parents and the children.

50/50 is fairly standard now for primary age upwards, the mother will have to have some substantial and evidenced grounds as to why this should be prevented.

He should state his preference for seeing the children - alternate weeks tends to work for the children's routines the best - with open conversation should either parent need a change to that on a particular week - but not because of a night out for example, perhaps because they are away on a work trip - a one off. But either way both parents need their own support network (can be the same people - grandparents but they need to access this themselves).

7 days without them might be hard at first, but only in the beginning. Arrange nightly video calls etc whilst everyone settles.

As it is 50/50 then each parents provides for what the child needs during their week. This includes school uniforms, gym kit, and normal items at home.

He should also think about parents evenings and how he would suggest they discuss any issues along the way.

Provided their are no other circumstances there is really no reason he won't get this.

There is a massive contradiction in your post

On one hand you state that a Court will have little interest in the relationship between the separated parents but then go on to describe scenarios and obligations that rely on clear communication, respect and putting a child’s wishes and happiness before any reason why the relationship failed

This is precisely why I object to it in principle and feel that children are are the mercy of this existing or not.
Even good friendships and amicable separations mean children are expected to accommodate that even if they don’t want to.

I read on here time after time about how this works but something about it doesn’t always ring true for me

I know of a family that do Monday Tuesday mum, Wednesday Thursday dad and the weekends are alternate. It works well.

Like I've said though, the mum and dads relationship needs to improve for this to work, and I think that starts with some mediation.

You’re right - I think mediation would be good because she is always more reasonable if someone else is around and doesn’t like getting caught out - after shouting at him she always covers her tracks with a carefully worded message brushing over the argument and being ultra nice ... and they sound benefit from it in lots of ways I think. It’s nasty - and that’s before they even talk about money ... she thinks she’s entitled to spousal support despite the face that she earns more than him. Will be so shocked when he starts with asking for 50% of the equity in the house!

I am always wary when I read threads on here regarding someone commenting on another couple and any aspect of their lives.

Some of the phrases and circumstances you use are not in keeping with “a good friend”
I have good friends but I would never comment that their estranged husband or wife “can’t cope with looking after the kids” for example

No I’m not convinced about your motives for this thread
The stuff you’re being fed is either second hand or you’re around in a way more intimate and involved context than you’re letting on I suspect

Obviously it is not ideal to separate from the person you had children with. But when it happens you have to make the best of it and - excepting abuse - what is best for the kids is a quality relationship with both parents. Exh and I do 50/50 and more than once I've had women express that they couldn't do that - but it's not my choice, it's what I do for the best for my children. Their father was fully involved in their lives before and it was our marriage that didn't work, not his parenting. I'd love to ask those women if they'd be happy with eow and one night in the week?! I bet they wouldn't. Yes my exh has his flaws, but so do I and he has as much right to time with the dc as I do.

Fwiw, we started with 2,3,2 and are now week on week off, with changeover on a weds. Mid week works much better from a work perspective as we can do long days the ones we don't have the kids. The kids have two homes and, as far as they tell me, they don't much mind which one they're at. Yes they miss the other parent when away from them (and don't welcome contact as this heightens it) but, like I said at the start of my post, none of this is an ideal situation. It's as settled and good as we can make it imo. It's great to hear your friend feels able to ask for 50 50.

Thank you @Misty9 it sounds as though you are doing a fantastic job and hats off to you for being so reasonable and sensible about it all! As you say - it’s all about what’s best for the kids

@Cleverpolly3 I'm referencing a Family Court meaning they have a specific legal jurisdiction, which has less concern about the relations of the parents and is focussed on the needs and interests of the child, with the exception of some DV cases.

Communication between parents really comes down to how easy/pleasant they want make this for everyone and how much they will protect the children from any animosity. In this case it sounds like the mother has a rather unrealistic view of what separating actually means.

If he wants 50/50 but would prefer not to speak / see her that is not going to work for the children. To make that work they need good communication to ensure the children can move between the homes fluidly / prevent the children carrying messages / ensure the children see that its normal for their parents to communicate. If he even made a hint of that attitude in court it would go down like a lead balloon (and so it should). Have kids together - you don't have the luxury of not speaking to your ex again (bar domestic violence / abuse of course)

@Misty9

Obviously it is not ideal to separate from the person you had children with. But when it happens you have to make the best of it and - excepting abuse - what is best for the kids is a quality relationship with both parents. Exh and I do 50/50 and more than once I've had women express that they couldn't do that - but it's not my choice, it's what I do for the best for my children. Their father was fully involved in their lives before and it was our marriage that didn't work, not his parenting. I'd love to ask those women if they'd be happy with eow and one night in the week?! I bet they wouldn't. Yes my exh has his flaws, but so do I and he has as much right to time with the dc as I do.

Fwiw, we started with 2,3,2 and are now week on week off, with changeover on a weds. Mid week works much better from a work perspective as we can do long days the ones we don't have the kids. The kids have two homes and, as far as they tell me, they don't much mind which one they're at. Yes they miss the other parent when away from them (and don't welcome contact as this heightens it) but, like I said at the start of my post, none of this is an ideal situation. It's as settled and good as we can make it imo. It's great to hear your friend feels able to ask for 50 50.

I agree with everything here.

@Cleverpolly3 would be interested to hear why it doesn't work well in the families that you know who do 50:50? Unless it's to avoid paying child maintenance, in my experience it's the fully hands on fathers who want it and so make it work well in cooperation with the mother.

Oh yes, exh and I are in pretty much daily communication via WhatsApp to keep all the balls in the air re school stuff and general family admin! I did and still do the lion's share of the thinking, but we are amicable and cooperative. Kids are 6 and 9 btw, and were 5 and 7 when we split.

50/50 isn’t a good option IME. I do it with my DD (6) and have done from 4. She still struggles with it at times and lacks the security of one home. My ex relies heavily on my parents/his parents for childcare so the reality is more 60/40 but on nights it’s 50/50 so he doesn’t have to pay. So long as I don’t ask for money, he always agrees to additional time. It’s fundamentally unfair, but I’d rather have time than money so I keep quiet.

Although I agree with the principle of minimising contact between estranged parents, they will still have to communicate to ensure the best for the child, and I would be concerned if anyone was pushing for an arrangement where they basically pretended the other parent didn’t exist- that is half the child’s life, whether we like it or not.

Hmmm ok thanks all. Sounds as though it’s not easy when it’s so toxic between them. But who knows, maybe she will be relieved when he asks for it and once she feels he is pulling his weight maybe she will lay off him a bit. Daily communication I’m sure is fine if it’s to do with the kids. Unfortunately at the mo she has a go at him and sends lengthy daily messages. But that may be just the tensions of still sharing a house. Hopefully they can make it work

You never know whats going on behind closed doors for someone, op, just something to remember. It's easy to vilify friends ex partners but at the end of the day we're all only human. Encouraging an us vs them situation does no one any good.

Very true! Thank you. Think I might suggest mediation as others have said and hope they can get on better terms for the sake of their kids and themselves and leave them to it 😄

The children should have a say in this don't you think?

And why can't your friend post this himself?

@toobusytothink

You’re right - I think mediation would be good because she is always more reasonable if someone else is around and doesn’t like getting caught out - after shouting at him she always covers her tracks with a carefully worded message brushing over the argument and being ultra nice ... and they sound benefit from it in lots of ways I think. It’s nasty - and that’s before they even talk about money ... she thinks she’s entitled to spousal support despite the face that she earns more than him. Will be so shocked when he starts with asking for 50% of the equity in the house!

Hmm you only know one version of events, you are on here discussing her private business without her consent.

@toobusytothink

Very true! Thank you. Think I might suggest mediation as others have said and hope they can get on better terms for the sake of their kids and themselves and leave them to it 😄

Unless there is abuse or other specifically defined exempting circumstances they will need to attempt this anyway prior to court

It’s not within your gift or recommendation

Will be so shocked when he starts with asking for 50% of the equity in the house!

Interesting segue from a discussion on 50/50 time split.

Does he talk about the finances a fair bit?

Does he already do 50% of schools, doctors etc, or is he merely "willing to", should he get 50/50?