Man going for 50:50 custody

[toobusytothink]

Male friend of mine is going for 50:50 custody of his two sons. He is an incredible dad and genuinely wants this - it isn’t to avoid child maintenance - he genuinely believes the kids would be better off with him and he is and has always been a very hands on dad. His ex is likely to oppose it and has no idea - she thinks he will be asking for EOW and one night a week. Any tips on best way to ensure he gets this?

EOW is not ideal either but from the child’s perspective far less disruptive than 50/50. I think the ideal would be that the parents maintain a working relationship that means the NRP can visit the children frequently in their own home. But that requires adult cooperation and let’s face it, that’s never high on the agenda (especially when new partners appear on the scene).

So while EOW isn’t ideal either, it’s the best of the two and sadly just a consequence of divorce/separation that you have to factor in.

@toobusytothink

He would definitely be prepared to do half the “drudge work”

"Would be prepared" - meaning he doesnt currently?

You've asked for experiences. My ex took me to court for 50:50 despite me not working at that time and him having a full time professional job. He was given it - it was basically a chance to take away the maintenance that had been awarded only 3 years previously. My DC hate the rigid 50:50 (to the minute and absolutely no flexibility from ex at all). They have lost out on so many opportunities due to this. The only positive to come from this at all is that as teenagers they now vocalise that they hate the arrangement and want to come and live with me. That's fine. They now see that ex put himself first.

I am saddened by this. It's not what I wanted. The DC wanted a fixed home, not to be shunted. Family Court seem to be unable to understand this - the level of incompetence from family court magistrates and judges is shocking. It really is not - in private law - children first.

So you tell your "friend" - is this for his children or for him? (I personally believe that if both parents work and the earnings are inequitable, it is more about maintenance than anything else).

To the poster asking what the "ideal" is, answers, alternatives and suggestions were offered way upthread, but were ignored, because the OP only wants validation of the Master Plan and isn't interested in options for making children feel secure and happy.

The OP's overinvestment has blown the "friend" cover, the responses are far too emotional for it to be platonic.

I was giving advice from a good place, in good faith, from years of painful RL experience, must remember never to do that again on here.

Put your (her) kids through the wringer for years if you want, just to feed the father's monster ego.

From a "second-class" female NRP.

Thank god that this trend for 50/50 care wasn't the norm when I split with the father of my youngest who has just turned 14. He would have fought me for shared care just to spite me

It is NOT in the interests of the kids. It's unfair when they're little as they are just shunted back and forth and it's nigh on impossible to manage when you have a young teen.

The best is for children to have a settled base with one parent. Of course they should have regular contact and visits and overnights and holidays etc etc with their other parent but splitting all care in half just leads to kids not knowing whether they're coming or going

And I repeat, would those of you who denigrate 50 50 be happy to see your dc eow?

Misty it doesn’t matter! It’s about the best interests of the children, not the parent.

If you separate from the child’s other parent then that’s a consequence you need to deal with. You don’t subject your child to 50/50 because it suits you and your co-parent.

No, I subject myself to 50 50 because its the next best thing for my children. Yes they want one home. With both parents in it. As much as I wish I'd had children with the man I'd stay with for life, I didn't and I can't change that. So they want equal time with both of us, and they accept that comes with having two homes.

My DH has 2 children (now adults) from his first marriage. His ex wife moved out to be with her lover and left DH with the 2 girls, they were 9 and 14 at the time.
DH struggled at times, as ex paid a pittance in maintenance. Worst thing was that his solicitor told him that if she did go after custody she would, in all probability, get it as the mother. She never did though.

Wishing your friend good luck, op.

OP you do seem quite over invested in this, and to be swallowing your friend’s version of their marriage whole...

Anyway, my personal experience is 50/50 can work if the parents are able to co-operate and live close by.

But for some kids - especially younger ones - I think it can be disruptive and hard to deal with not having a single ‘home’.

I agree with previous comments about mediation, if they can’t talk amicably. Failing that they’ll have to go to court. Ideally everyone should maintain focus on the children’s needs above all else, but unfortunately I think often people get side tracked by what they think is ‘fair’ for each parent.

For the couple of children I know who had 50/50 between their two parents, it didn’t work. In the end they both chose to have one main ‘home’ and another home they spent time at regularly but not as much as their main residence. Both children were bout 11-12 ish when they themselves wanted to change the 50/50 arrangement.

That’s not to say I think it won’t ever work, just that I think it can be hard for some children and just because it’s seems fair On the parents doesn’t mean it’s right for the children.

I personally wouldn’t want to split myself between two houses as an adult. I love my bed and feel comfortable at ‘home’ but maybe some children do achieve this feeling about two homes when they have 50/50.

@SueDeNimm

My first thought was it's a major abuse red flag to me. OP when he's at work does he take time off to go to dentists appointments and school sports days? Does he take days off when his child is sick? Or is he reliably there? Because if he working full time and not ducking out all of the time he's not a hands on dad who should have 50/50.

Also why should his poor ex share a house and live like that? A bit of a red flag he would want that.

Major abuse flag to me too. Everyone thought my ex was a bit of a wet lettuce, quiet, always helpful, family man. Actually obsessed with affairs and prostitutes, emotional, verbal, physical, financial and sexual abuse as well as coercive control.

Op, keep out of his business. If he is such a loving and devoted father he would be posting himself or obsessively doing research into what is best for his children. Instead he's bitching to you and asking you to do his job.

If he can't even be bothered to make a mumsnet thread himself I highly doubt he takes 50/50 of the mental load and "drudge work".

* Monday & Tuesday nights - Parent 1 *
Wednesday & Thursday nights - Parent 2
Friday, Saturday & Sunday nights - Alternate

This is terrible.

Yes, it ticks the Politically Correct box of equal parenting share
BUT

Utterly shit and disruptive for the children.

@Misty9,I think that's 3 times now I've said this. Yes, I see 2 of my kids every other weekend, and it's ok. They want that arrangement and don't want to move around all the time.

I guess that we'd all like to think that parents put their children first & try to work the best arrangements for their individual circumstances, and that it should be a seamless transition at separation.

But in reality, people get caught up in their "parental rights" (maybe instead of their responsibilities), and you get parents who have had very little input into their DC's lives insisting on 50-50 to avoid maintenance, or because they don't want to miss out.

There are some good examples on this thread of couples who were already doing 50/50 beforehand separation, and continued to do so, which is great as it works all round.

But sometimes it's the parent who has done the least who shouts the most, and puts their "rights" first. And it's the DC who get caught up in this cycle of perpetual home-moving to satisfy their parents "rights".

@Ultimateblends I totally agree with you.
Very similar situation here - ExDH and I have had 50/50 since DD was 2. To begin with it was ok, but now he has married again and has a step DD and another DD with his new wife.
The difference between households is extreme, and my DD finds that difficult to cope with, as well as the back and forth.
A few years ago, she was so upset and stressed at it all, that she became genuinely depressed at having two houses, and only wanted to live with me fulltime (and still does).
Ex refused to allow any changes, and it was only after months of battling and threatening to take him to court, that he reluctantly agreed to 60/40.
DD still finds things difficult, and constantly asks if she can live with me all the time.

At the outset, 50/50 May seem like the ‘fairest’ option for everyone, but same as @Ultimateblends, I would never do it again if I could turn back time.

50/50 should be the default care unless there has been proven abuse. The children have 2 parents and both are as important.

I bet if there was no financial reward most parents would go 50/50

In my experience it is the resident parent that makes the issues worse by how they behave and the control they want over their children

No-one is saying that either parent is less important- it's more about what's best for children.

Why should a parent with little input into children's daily life automatically get 50-50?

And yes, finances don't change that decision for me.

@Coseynightin

50/50 should be the default care unless there has been proven abuse. The children have 2 parents and both are as important.

I bet if there was no financial reward most parents would go 50/50

I'd never have gone 50/50. I would have fought it every step of the way as it was wrong for my children. In the end he stopped paying anyway and I still never tried to "make him do his bit" by having them more. I don't think most parents would either as evidenced by the majority on this thread who don't agree it's the best for children.

How do you know its not best for the children? The resident parent is making the decision on their behalf. This seems like controlling behaviour why do you get to decide what is best for the children?

Remember circumstances have change so when in the relationship the father would be working and providing for the family and would have to stay up

Ask him to keep a childcare diary.
Get a daily one , and write it down.
What each parent is doing, who has charge of the children.
Thus way he can show who does what and when.

How do you know its not best for the children? The resident parent is making the decision on their behalf. This seems like controlling behaviour why do you get to decide what is best for the children?

Because their Dad was a heavy drinker who never once got up with them as babies and didn't believe my oldest had autism and tried to discipline it out of him.

That's why.