Man going for 50:50 custody

[toobusytothink]

Male friend of mine is going for 50:50 custody of his two sons. He is an incredible dad and genuinely wants this - it isn’t to avoid child maintenance - he genuinely believes the kids would be better off with him and he is and has always been a very hands on dad. His ex is likely to oppose it and has no idea - she thinks he will be asking for EOW and one night a week. Any tips on best way to ensure he gets this?

I find your/his comment regarding this lady's anxiety and her probably not being able to cope with the children quite disgusting. He's already used it against her by sharing that with you. He has certainly spun you a web. He sounds so perfect, but the wife?.. she has anxiety (he thinks she's mad then), is confrontational, a new boyfriend, works full time in an inflexible job and can't cope with the children! Marvellous!
There is a hell of a lot more to this than you probably know.

Yes I made the same point earlier re the anxiety.

Probably not a friend at all, but the actual father posing as a concerned female.

OP said they were getting this thread deleted. I think it needs putting out of its misery.

It’s good to see that I’m not the only one who was appalled by some of the language and assumptions the OP made

The one about her hopefully all appreciating lots of alone time with her boyfriend with no children around and not being able to cope, this “friend” being wary of her etc was especially vile

I despise when I read this sort of thing it’s like these women who are married to a man with a “mad ex “ while he’s the father equivalent of Barack Obama if only he could have the chance to be poor lamb

50/50 is great for two loving and invested parents but it is shit for the kids. Too unsettling. They need a “base”.

We have 50:50 arrange with DH’s EW, it’s pretty standard offering these days in the courts.

There is a couple of ways you can do it. Week on week off or split the week. We split the week and it works well as every week you have the same days and therefore you can arrange appropriate childcare for that child within your time for after school and holidays etc and those days don’t change every week (good luck getting childcare Monday - Friday every other week) although if at all possible try and share the same childcare provider, they will sign you both up individually and contract you for your days/times required.

Monday & Tuesday nights - Parent 1
Wednesday & Thursday nights - Parent 2
Friday, Saturday & Sunday nights - Alternate

Handover time for holidays is 3pm (school finish) and the parent who would be dropping the child to school is responsible for childcare until that time (i.e. paying a childminder etc in the holidays) you can adjust this time to suit but this is very important (saves arguments - trust us )

School uniforms - we have identical set ups in P1 & P2 house (same trousers/shirts etc so they are interchangeable) and we buy our own jumpers. DH buys a floater jumper so there is no arguments that one jumper is getting more wear.

Parent 1 - responsible for school bag/lunchbox/pencilcase etc

Parent 2 - responsible for shoes and coat
(this costs more than the other option as will often require several options and replacement every year minimum. DH picks up this tab as he is the higher earner)

School trips - pay half each

Clothing - full wardrobe at each house and each parent returns the child in what the child arrives in....... this never completely works out so I would suggest having decent cheap clothes on hand for school dress down days etc we lose everything that enters the opposite home. Try not to stress over this. It’s not worth it.

Christmas - 10am Christmas Eve until 10am Boxing Day alternate years and any nights missed are always caught up and the parent that doesn’t have the child for Christmas does for NYE&NYD.

Birthdays we never set an arrangement as by the time DH & EW split DSS was almost at school so it’s mostly irrelevant what day.... you get lucky for years in a row and then unlucky for years in a row.
The parent who has the child on their birthday would pay for the birthday party opposite parent invited (we’re mostly civil)

That’s pretty much it. Do make sure your friend sorts out the finer details though as it really does make a huge difference. DH hadn’t and we spent the first few years arguing constantly so sort of did DIY mediation and agreed the finer details. We do have a huge amount of flexibility on all we do and you have to remember the child is in the middle of every shitty decision that is made (at eachother)

Wish your friend the best of luck

@Motherhentoall

We have 50:50 arrange with DH’s EW, it’s pretty standard offering these days in the courts.

There is a couple of ways you can do it. Week on week off or split the week. We split the week and it works well as every week you have the same days and therefore you can arrange appropriate childcare for that child within your time for after school and holidays etc and those days don’t change every week (good luck getting childcare Monday - Friday every other week) although if at all possible try and share the same childcare provider, they will sign you both up individually and contract you for your days/times required.

Monday & Tuesday nights - Parent 1
Wednesday & Thursday nights - Parent 2
Friday, Saturday & Sunday nights - Alternate

Handover time for holidays is 3pm (school finish) and the parent who would be dropping the child to school is responsible for childcare until that time (i.e. paying a childminder etc in the holidays) you can adjust this time to suit but this is very important (saves arguments - trust us )

School uniforms - we have identical set ups in P1 & P2 house (same trousers/shirts etc so they are interchangeable) and we buy our own jumpers. DH buys a floater jumper so there is no arguments that one jumper is getting more wear.

Parent 1 - responsible for school bag/lunchbox/pencilcase etc

Parent 2 - responsible for shoes and coat
(this costs more than the other option as will often require several options and replacement every year minimum. DH picks up this tab as he is the higher earner)

School trips - pay half each

Clothing - full wardrobe at each house and each parent returns the child in what the child arrives in....... this never completely works out so I would suggest having decent cheap clothes on hand for school dress down days etc we lose everything that enters the opposite home. Try not to stress over this. It’s not worth it.

Christmas - 10am Christmas Eve until 10am Boxing Day alternate years and any nights missed are always caught up and the parent that doesn’t have the child for Christmas does for NYE&NYD.

Birthdays we never set an arrangement as by the time DH & EW split DSS was almost at school so it’s mostly irrelevant what day.... you get lucky for years in a row and then unlucky for years in a row.
The parent who has the child on their birthday would pay for the birthday party opposite parent invited (we’re mostly civil)

That’s pretty much it. Do make sure your friend sorts out the finer details though as it really does make a huge difference. DH hadn’t and we spent the first few years arguing constantly so sort of did DIY mediation and agreed the finer details. We do have a huge amount of flexibility on all we do and you have to remember the child is in the middle of every shitty decision that is made (at eachother)

Wish your friend the best of luck

Honestly you’ve reduced these children’s lives to a contract It is exhausting to read and I would hate to imagine I’d ever chose to put another human being through floater jumpers and all that stuff just to keep an ex happy

motherhen thats a fucking nightmare for those kids. I imagine by the age of about 8 they will resent it.

It’s really the very basics. DSS loves spending time at both houses and neither him or us or DM want anything to change. It has been this way since DSS was 1.5 years old and he is now 10 years old.

A floater jumper is merely an offering of goodwill - we essentially buy EW a jumper for her house for transfer days Wednesday. But in reality they are all just jumpers and get washed at either house and DSS goes to school in a jumper everyday.

But by making sure the finer details are agreed it means less arguing about who thinks they are right or wrong..... we all get on very well and not just for the sake of DSS.

We only got on well though after the final details were agreed. It was vicious point scoring until then. So it’s not about contracts it’s about knowing exactly where you stand at all times. No second doubts.

@Motherhentoall

It’s really the very basics. DSS loves spending time at both houses and neither him or us or DM want anything to change. It has been this way since DSS was 1.5 years old and he is now 10 years old.

A floater jumper is merely an offering of goodwill - we essentially buy EW a jumper for her house for transfer days Wednesday. But in reality they are all just jumpers and get washed at either house and DSS goes to school in a jumper everyday.

But by making sure the finer details are agreed it means less arguing about who thinks they are right or wrong..... we all get on very well and not just for the sake of DSS.

We only got on well though after the final details were agreed. It was vicious point scoring until then. So it’s not about contracts it’s about knowing exactly where you stand at all times. No second doubts.

It is absolutely a contract Outlining roles and obligations and costs, dates, margins for tolerance and deviation etc

I absolutely do feel sorry for any children who have to live like this.
I’m not saying you don’t love or care about your children but I think the focus on what really matters to a child is lost in all the detail with this sort of “arrangement”

I actually hope that the cross sorry work and consultations being done around really harnessing even young children’s wishes and feelings is going to change this sort of detail position since truly it’s more about the parents. That’s wrong

It’s been in place for 7.5 years and works really well.

It’s not actually a contract though it’s just as I’ve written down all the things that do need agreeing or have been agreed as time has evolved.

The childcare is fairly new as DM has gone back to work and therefore not at home to provide childcare all day on handover day in the holidays until we collect. It’s only fair that we pay for exactly half as we are all working.

Christmas was agreed after several arguments over traditions and times changing every year.

The rest of it is common sense really. But if you look at what mediation require you to fill in that covers it. Point by point

*default position

I don’t think many young children would chose to feel like that they lived a nomadic existence between two houses neither a full time home

@Motherhentoall thank you - that is so helpful. I’m just sorry you have got dragged into the nastiness of 1 or 2 posters on here who seem to be treating it as their own personal battle. I appreciate your advise and well done for making it work.

So you have never even met this woman?

So those of you saying 50 50 is a bad idea, or worse, damaging to the children involved - what, exactly, do you suggest is the ideal??

Is it for the kids to stay with the mother and see father eow and one night a week? That's still moving around and disruptive. And both houses would still need bedrooms and clothes etc. So no different to 50 50. Or should all their stuff be in one house and they essentially 'visit' one parent? Presumably the father? So that parent is essentially a second class parent? And why should that be the father?

Please, do tell me what the ideal for the children is, and I will happily do it. Except stay with their father. That ship has sailed.

And, fwiw, when we were doing shorter stays with each parent earlier in the year, it was my dd, then 5, who requested that they spend one week at each home.

[quote toobusytothink]@Motherhentoall thank you - that is so helpful. I’m just sorry you have got dragged into the nastiness of 1 or 2 posters on here who seem to be treating it as their own personal battle. I appreciate your advise and well done for making it work.[/quote]
Not my personal battle
In a single parent whose kids are here every day of the year unless we are on holiday

I have an issue with your posts
Given the level of crass assumption you claim to now be sorry for sharing to slag this woman off - your words - I’m not surprised you saw fit to draw any old shit of a conclusion about me

@Misty9

So those of you saying 50 50 is a bad idea, or worse, damaging to the children involved - what, exactly, do you suggest is the ideal??

Is it for the kids to stay with the mother and see father eow and one night a week? That's still moving around and disruptive. And both houses would still need bedrooms and clothes etc. So no different to 50 50. Or should all their stuff be in one house and they essentially 'visit' one parent? Presumably the father? So that parent is essentially a second class parent? And why should that be the father?

Please, do tell me what the ideal for the children is, and I will happily do it. Except stay with their father. That ship has sailed.

On the basis you live near enough to do shared care then what’s wrong with their dad / mum coming round to see them a couple of nights week or take them out from school for their tea then do some homework etc. Then have their weekend? Far less disruption but still get quality time. It’s not rocket science is it?

After all most of you on that basis who say it works must get on because it would be a nightmare otherwise

@Lovemusic33

More parents are managing to get 50/50 now which I think is great. Sorry I don’t have any real advice, the only thing I remember from a friend going through the same was he was asked about work and child care (wether his work hours were flexible to fit around the dc’s). If he works long hours and his ex does not then this could give a reason for her to have the dc more than him.

Great for them In many cases, utterly unsettling for the children in question

Would you want to up sticks and change accommodation and with whom you live with for half the week or every other day?

@Cleverpolly3 well I did ignore you for 95% of the thread but apparently I didn’t answer questions so that made me a bad person or a fake ... I admitted I was wrong to be slagging off another woman but you turn that against me. You have been very unpleasant throughout and I asked for this thread to be deleted because of you but they won’t delete it because apparently I’ve done nothing wrong in asking these questions and I’m not a troll. There are so many things I would love to say but I am not rising. Genuine people come on here looking for genuine advise and thank you to those who give it - it’s just annoying when a couple of people make the whole experience of being on here pretty horrible and upsetting

But how is eow at another home less disruptive? And how can someone be a proper parent if the only time they do the drudge work of parenting is eow? And let's face it, a lot of parenting involves drudgery. Would you be happy to see your dc eow?

[quote toobusytothink]@Cleverpolly3 well I did ignore you for 95% of the thread but apparently I didn’t answer questions so that made me a bad person or a fake ... I admitted I was wrong to be slagging off another woman but you turn that against me. You have been very unpleasant throughout and I asked for this thread to be deleted because of you but they won’t delete it because apparently I’ve done nothing wrong in asking these questions and I’m not a troll. There are so many things I would love to say but I am not rising. Genuine people come on here looking for genuine advise and thank you to those who give it - it’s just annoying when a couple of people make the whole experience of being on here pretty horrible and upsetting[/quote]
You ignored me because I asked questions and made observations that you are not able to deal with
I’m not the only one you’ve ignored
You’ve simply latched onto people who’ve told you a bit of what you wanted to hear

There’s also a reason my threads aren’t being deleted because they are not offensive or nasty and they are entirely relevant to the scurrilous debate about someone else’s family imploding that you started

Say what you like about me but like what you’ve said about that woman it will likely be a pile of BS

Doesn’t affect me at all

@Misty9

But how is eow at another home less disruptive? And how can someone be a proper parent if the only time they do the drudge work of parenting is eow? And let's face it, a lot of parenting involves drudgery. Would you be happy to see your dc eow?

EOW away from their main home is not as disruptive as every week split into two alternate Christmases etc. It’s about what’s best for the children We all knew what having a child would involve before we had them didn’t we? It is hard work

Plenty of single parents do everything in their own with no break
We don’t get a medal and why should we?