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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Spousal Maintenance

274 replies

RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 22:28

STBXH and I separated 7 years ago after 7 years together (5 years cohabiting 2 years married). We have one son.

When we separated I was working full time and able to pay my rent etc, however due to his emotional abuse towards me I had a breakdown 2 years later and was no longer able to work. It has been 4 years, and I am still not able to work. He is resident parent of our son due to my mh problems, and lives in a lovely 3 bed house that he owns with his new partner who he has had a baby with.

He claims child benefit even though he earns too much to actually get the money paid to him. Him not allowing me to claim child benefit has meant that I am not eligible for some housing benefits and I am essentially poor, I live hand to mouth so that I can keep a two bedroom flat, with my son having his own room. I have my son every other weekend.

He is now asking me to sign a clean break order before our divorce is finalised. I have requested a lump sum in return for signing due to my financial hardship, but he is refusing and threatening me with court.

If this does go to court, what are my chances of achieving spousal maintenance or a lump sum? Does anyone have any kind of experience of divorce after a long separation?

I am ineligible for legal aid.

I am so grateful in advance for any help at all.

OP posts:
GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 30/12/2020 22:42

Sorry to seem as if I am piling on but why can’t you get a job? Why should he support you?

GrettaGreen · 30/12/2020 22:43

I would assume you aren't entitled to anything as you were self sufficient when and straight after you split. I'm assuming as you don't work, you're not paying maintenance to him for your son? If that's the case, I think you're really being quite cheeky even suggesting it. And of course he should be getting the child benefit!

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 30/12/2020 22:46

Ok I get you had a breakdown and that is terrible but he can’t be responsible for you forever, his new house isn’t really relevant and you need to try and find a way through this yourself

OneEpisode · 30/12/2020 22:47

Spousal maintenance is quite rare, and a short marriage makes it less likely. Assets of the marriage would be considered though. Home, pension. Have these been scheduled?

Movinghouse2015 · 30/12/2020 22:48

Was there a financial settlement when you separated? If not, my guess would be that all assets at that time should have been taken into account and spilt accordingly.

I would not expect t to be entitled to any earnings/increased wealth since you split.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 22:50

I am unable to work because his abuse caused my mental health problems. He had an affair when I was pregnant.

Surely a judge would only look at our situation in the here and now rather than going back 7 years to when we separated. Yes I was able to work but because of him I slowly fell apart until I had a fall blown breakdown that I still haven;'t recovered from. I have lost everything, surely a judge would want our situations to be fair to both of us and I am basically destitute

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 22:54

@Movinghouse2015 @OneEpisode We had no assets. He was paying in to a pension for the whole time we were together so it must be worth quite a lot now, he is a relatively high earner. He earned enough to cover our rent when I was doing my degree.

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 22:55

@GrettaGreen but the point is he doesn't actually get paid anything because he earns too much. I do not pay maintenance to him, as I said I am suffering severe financial hardship and he is relatively wealthy

OP posts:
SaltyTootsieToes · 30/12/2020 22:56

I’m really sorry you’re in the position you are in. Other posters have illustrated that your ExH should get the child benefit snd this us correct as your D.C. lives with your ExH, only staying with you every other weekend.

With such a short marriage and your D.C. residing with your ExH, there is no real obstacle to your working and supporting yourself so the court would not be likely to order maintenance to you and if you were working, your ExH could actually seek child support from you.

I have heard of courts viewing the years living together before marriage as part of the marriage in certain circumstances and therefore assets obtained during that time up to the marriage and during the marriage as marital assets- so house, pension, savings, investments. So you may be entitled to a portion of this -but again, under certain circumstances.

Perhaps if you have information about these finances, you could talk to a solicitor during a free half hour consultation.

Please do look into getting some counselling to help you get your life back in track, be self sufficient. Remember, success is the best revenge. Do well for yourself. Start with small steps.

Best of luck to you

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 30/12/2020 22:56

There would be a number of issues with going down that road though. For example, what would stop anyone deciding that actually they weren’t happy with a settlement because many years on an ex partner had done better than them and they deserved a second bite of the cherry. How is that fair?

unicornparty · 30/12/2020 22:57

Are you getting treatment for your mh problems? I can't see why he would be responsible for you so long after you split up.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:00

@SaltyTootsieToes. Thank you for your reply. Every solicitor I've ask for 30 minutes free from tell me that actually its more of a way for them to get all of the information and then I will need to pay £240 plus vat for something more comprehensive.

I am really struggling with finding legal advice that wont costs me hundreds of pounds.

OP posts:
Amira19 · 30/12/2020 23:02

My ex was cheating on me op when I had 1 year old and left me for his ex gf. I ended up dropping down to 7 stone and was depressed but I went out and got a job to support myself and get myself back on my feet after losing my home and all its contents. This is what a court would expect you to do not pay out spousal maintenance when you dont work and is a short marriage. HVe you seen the doctor about you're depression?

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:02

@unicornparty Yes and I am doing very well at the moment and have been doing some volunteering but I don't feel well enough to hold down a full time job, and it is very difficult to go back into work when it affects your benefits so much. I am better off not working

OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 30/12/2020 23:03

Seriously? Sorry you went through all that but you are being ridiculous expecting him to pay for you. You will have to get a job.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:03

@Amira19 he has also been emotionally abusive and ground my confidence down to nothing. Well done for what you have achieved that is fantastic.

OP posts:
Amira19 · 30/12/2020 23:05

Could you manage a part time job? 16 hrs with the view to increase you might find entering the world force will boost youre self esteem being around others will help you're mental health

Remxhah126 · 30/12/2020 23:05

My experience is that judges are usually not keen on getting involved in the rights and wrongs of the marriage, esp when it comes to the financial settlement. I very much doubt you'll get anything based on assets accumulated after separation, or that was his before he came into the marriage. Spousal maintenance is very rare and pretty much unheard of from a short marriage like yours.

I think you're entitled of maybe 50% of assets accumulated during the marriage, but there will be one joint pot. So if you were earning during that marriage and both paid into a mortgage and pension etc, you'll both end up getting about the same amount.

The judge will be very unlikely to be interested in how your finances have changed since you broke up, I'd have thought. I guess there are very unusual cases like the Dale Vince case, but for a short marriage like yours, especially where he's since been the RP for your DC, I wouldn't have thought you'd be eligible for much. The judge isn't going to financially 'punish' him for cheating on you.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:05

I would like to add that my son does not live with my ex through choice of my own, my ex took me to court 18 months ago and won residency of due to my mental health problems. I am broken by it all.

OP posts:
Amira19 · 30/12/2020 23:06

Have you sought counselling via the gp or medication can help.

trevorandsimon · 30/12/2020 23:07

You cant be better off not working if you are saying you are so poor. You dont need a two bedroom place if your child does not live with you. A one bedroom would be cheaper. You do need to work and try and get yourself better...your ex should not nor will not pay to support you. I'm afraid you are responsible for yourself. You should have assets split though. If he has a pension that is a marital asset, plus any cash or equity if you owned a house. How has that been split?

DieHardIsAXmasMovie · 30/12/2020 23:07

I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling op.

Are you getting counseling? It's free on the NHS. Talk to your gp.

In regards to your ex, you need to move on. His house, partner, etc. have nothing to do with you. Your only connection to your ex is your son. Forget about everything else.

Personally, I think it would be best to go for a clean break. Divorce him. Then focus on building yourself back up.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:08

@Remxhah126 Would I not be eligible for a share of his pension as it is now? I have an NHS pension, would I have to share this or is this not seen as a private pension? Sorry for the questions.

OP posts:
trevorandsimon · 30/12/2020 23:08

I'm sorry to hear you are in this difficult place though. Have you asked CAB for advice?

Mbear · 30/12/2020 23:09

Spousal maintenance and/or a lump sum from the divorce may effect what benefits you receive, so even if you were to get anything you may not be better off.