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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Spousal Maintenance

274 replies

RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 22:28

STBXH and I separated 7 years ago after 7 years together (5 years cohabiting 2 years married). We have one son.

When we separated I was working full time and able to pay my rent etc, however due to his emotional abuse towards me I had a breakdown 2 years later and was no longer able to work. It has been 4 years, and I am still not able to work. He is resident parent of our son due to my mh problems, and lives in a lovely 3 bed house that he owns with his new partner who he has had a baby with.

He claims child benefit even though he earns too much to actually get the money paid to him. Him not allowing me to claim child benefit has meant that I am not eligible for some housing benefits and I am essentially poor, I live hand to mouth so that I can keep a two bedroom flat, with my son having his own room. I have my son every other weekend.

He is now asking me to sign a clean break order before our divorce is finalised. I have requested a lump sum in return for signing due to my financial hardship, but he is refusing and threatening me with court.

If this does go to court, what are my chances of achieving spousal maintenance or a lump sum? Does anyone have any kind of experience of divorce after a long separation?

I am ineligible for legal aid.

I am so grateful in advance for any help at all.

OP posts:
GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 30/12/2020 23:26

This makes no sense. You say he was paying into a pension all the time you were together but that was not counted at the time because you had no assets apart from an old car? So when did you start your pension?

And yes I suppose if the judge is looking at things since you divorced, why should he not look at your pension too?

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:26

@Amira19 my son knows why I only volunteer, and is aware that mental health is as important as physical health, if I had a broken arm I wouldn't be expected to work would I?

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:28

@TDMN I do get PIP. I do not have a social worker as I want nothing to do with Social Services. My GP and CBT practitioner are fantastic

OP posts:
SausagePourHomme · 30/12/2020 23:29

@RosieWosieWoo

thanks *@MiddlesexGirl*, I have seen those brochures, I will look to buy one when I have the funds
you can download for free, it looks like
Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:30

@GordonsAliveAndEatsPies We never talked about our pensions when we separated, it didn't ever come into conversation, to be honest it was a horrible time and I just wanted to get out. I was receiving my pension for about 4 years of our relationship, him for the whole of the relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:30

@SausagePourHomme you have to select the tick box

OP posts:
NYNY211 · 30/12/2020 23:30

@RosieWosieWoo

I have intensive CBT and counselling. I am registered disabled due to my MH.

@DieHardIsAXmasMovie we rented and lived an averagely comfortable life after I graduated, but we had no assets as such. Only pensions.

Are you eligible for PIP?
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2020 23:31

As she’s lost her job - not her fault - he’ll be even less likely to give you a penny more than he has to.

She’s the person he’s chosen to be with now, they have a child together, she’s with your son 12 out of 14 days a fortnight and they have all the costs of both children, so it’s completely different to your ex additionally supporting you. I’m sure you know that.

You got child support when you were the primary carer but that was a contribution to the cost of bringing your son up while he was mostly with you. Now your ex has all of those costs and no contribution from you. You won’t be his wife once the divorce papers have been signed, that’s the point.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:31

@NYNY211 I receive PIP

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 30/12/2020 23:32

You mean you were paying into your pension for 4 years

Not 'receiving it' Confused

Catsup · 30/12/2020 23:32

As pp asked have you claimed for PIP, and have you spoken to CAB? I'm guessing you're living in a housing association property not a private rental if you're paying bedroom tax? I'm not sure where a lump sum payment could be taken from as you didn't share a mortgage?

christmasathomeagain · 30/12/2020 23:33

[quote RosieWosieWoo]@Remxhah126 Would I not be eligible for a share of his pension as it is now? I have an NHS pension, would I have to share this or is this not seen as a private pension? Sorry for the questions.[/quote]
You would be due a share of his pension as it stood when you split and possibly only for the two years you were Married. If you pension was built up while you were together then they would ofset each other- any payout would be so minimal I can't see that it would be worth calculating.

As others have said, you are not due any spousal support. Very few spouses are but certainly not ones who were able to financially support themselves for two years after the split.

I can't see any judge agreeing that your inability to work is caused by abuse you say you received 7 years ago.

You need to work on yourself and setting yourself up financially and stop focusing on what an ex of 7 years ago now has. Him being a high earner, owning his own home and contributing to a decent pension isn't anything to do with you.

PatriciaHolm · 30/12/2020 23:33

@RosieWosieWoo

thanks *@MiddlesexGirl*, I have seen those brochures, I will look to buy one when I have the funds
You can download them for free - its only the paper copies you need to pay for.
Amira19 · 30/12/2020 23:33

There's really nothing stopping you working though op from home in the similar way you're volunteering. Plenty of people go to work and battle depression and mental health problems daily.

I imagine you're ds is worried about his mother and I dont mean to sound harsh but that can have a negative impact on his mental health too.

A girl I went to school with and was friends with had a mother who suffered badly from her mental health and tried numberous times trying to commit suicide or ended up on the mental unit. She ended up being groomed by her neighbour and her mental health has utilmately suffered due to her own experiences and by her own admission it started with her mother not saying its the same but she was constantly put in situations due to her mothers mental health that she wasn't allowed to just be a child.

LaurieFairyCake · 30/12/2020 23:35

In your opening post you say you were working full time when you separated but then he emotionally abused you for two years?

Is any of this abuse after you separated on record with the police or with social services?

I'm concerned you don't want anything to do with social services - they've been involved haven't they? Contributed to your Dh getting residency ?

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:35

As petitioner I am refusing to apply for the absolute but am now worried that he will apply as respondent as enough time has elapsed, does anyone know how I can block this from happening? I am concerned that we will get our divorce granted before sorting financial matters, and this will leave me unable to claim anything from him

OP posts:
GalaxyCookieCrumble · 30/12/2020 23:35

@RosieWosieWoo

I am unable to work because his abuse caused my mental health problems. He had an affair when I was pregnant.

Surely a judge would only look at our situation in the here and now rather than going back 7 years to when we separated. Yes I was able to work but because of him I slowly fell apart until I had a fall blown breakdown that I still haven;'t recovered from. I have lost everything, surely a judge would want our situations to be fair to both of us and I am basically destitute

@RosieWosieWoo with respect, a lot of us have been through the same and still have too work, you need to move on from the past instead of letting what he did to you consume you.
TDMN · 30/12/2020 23:35

Have you approached jobcentre etc on getting advice on getting back into work? Were you admin or nursing in the NHS? I dont think you will have much of a case for any of his pension or anything after you've been seperated so long and together+married for such a short amount of time but if you have made steps towards getting back into work that might be something? Why did he get majority custody?

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:36

@christmasathomeagain The emotional abuse is ongoing. He uses our son as a pawn to hurt me. He has taken everything from me.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 30/12/2020 23:37

I haven't read this all through but a judge would not care and if they did wouldn't have the power to do anything anyway.

felineflutter · 30/12/2020 23:37

OP I am really sorry, you have really been through a lot. The abuse and then not living with your DS.

I am sorry I don't have any advice this is a really sad situation. Flowers

Do you have any family support? A counsellor?

LaurieFairyCake · 30/12/2020 23:37

In what way is he still abusing you?

In any way you can prove/have records of?

Did you ask on here for help before he won residency of your son in court?

Littlemissweepy · 30/12/2020 23:38

Depends where you are but your pension and his pension would be considered as marital assets. Where I am the law is that this is the value accrued during the marriage, so not the value of them as at date of separation or divorce, and not total value of them (ie excluding what was accrued prior to coming into the marriage). You would be entitled to a share of the marital assets, but court will factor in that you are non resident parent and not paying child maintenance in determining share as well as your respective current lifestyles. Spousal maintenance as others have said I can’t imagine you would be entitled to.

Who treated who which way and the reasons for divorce not really significant factors in determining financial settlements.

Sorry things are hard for you Flowers

OhioOhioOhio · 30/12/2020 23:38

Yes but your ability to prove it would be non existent.

BillMasen · 30/12/2020 23:38

If you were a man you would be told to step up, get a job, pay cms for your child.

So...