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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Spousal Maintenance

274 replies

RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 22:28

STBXH and I separated 7 years ago after 7 years together (5 years cohabiting 2 years married). We have one son.

When we separated I was working full time and able to pay my rent etc, however due to his emotional abuse towards me I had a breakdown 2 years later and was no longer able to work. It has been 4 years, and I am still not able to work. He is resident parent of our son due to my mh problems, and lives in a lovely 3 bed house that he owns with his new partner who he has had a baby with.

He claims child benefit even though he earns too much to actually get the money paid to him. Him not allowing me to claim child benefit has meant that I am not eligible for some housing benefits and I am essentially poor, I live hand to mouth so that I can keep a two bedroom flat, with my son having his own room. I have my son every other weekend.

He is now asking me to sign a clean break order before our divorce is finalised. I have requested a lump sum in return for signing due to my financial hardship, but he is refusing and threatening me with court.

If this does go to court, what are my chances of achieving spousal maintenance or a lump sum? Does anyone have any kind of experience of divorce after a long separation?

I am ineligible for legal aid.

I am so grateful in advance for any help at all.

OP posts:
BillMasen · 31/12/2020 00:01

@GalaxyCookieCrumble just having an opinion, just like you

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 00:01

All of those saying that we weren't married long - we lived together for 5 years before, and I understand this can be Included in length of marriage

OP posts:
GalaxyCookieCrumble · 31/12/2020 00:01

[quote RosieWosieWoo]@GalaxyCookieCrumble Can't be arsed? With respect, you have NO idea about my mental health issues or how much I have overcome to be where I am today, making judgements about people who are struggling is incredibly damaging, I would give anything to have a 'normal' life[/quote]
And what are you doing about it apart from trying to get money from your ex?

I understand more than you realise, but you said yourself your better off on the dole, and after all this time your still trying to get money out of him.

What's done is done, block him, get yourself sorted out, go back for full custody of your son, that will piss your ex off more than anything, because as it stands he has got you exactly where he wants you.

notapizzaeater · 31/12/2020 00:03

Less than 10 years is a short marriage -

Did you say he supported you whilst your where at uni ?

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 00:04

@GalaxyCookieCrumble I have no doubt that when my son is old enough to choose he will choose to live with me. I will not have to go for full custody. My son has told me as much.

OP posts:
GalaxyCookieCrumble · 31/12/2020 00:04

@RosieWosieWoo

This man has caused my mental health problems, with 7 years of perpetual abuse and breaking me down, yes I managed a couple of years, and I'm really proud of myself for hanging on that long, but then I crumbled - I don't see how anyone can tell me it's fair or right that he gets to live a wealthy life whilst I, the person who gave him his son, have to get by on barely anything. I don't get holidays with my son, I don't get to give him big Christmases.
Start listening, it's not fair and what he did was awful, but you need to accept what has happened and start fighting back.
Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 00:05

@notapizzaeater I was dependent on him for 3 years whilst I did my nursing degree

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 31/12/2020 00:05

@RosieWosieWoo

thanks *@MiddlesexGirl*, I have seen those brochures, I will look to buy one when I have the funds
You can download them free. You only pay if you want a printed copy posted to you.
converseandjeans · 31/12/2020 00:05

I think they would only take into account the two years you were married.

The 2 years pension payments really won't amount to much.

You aren't the resident parent so you're not entitled to child benefit.

How much PIP do you get a month? I think it would amount to more than the pension.

You also had a pension so technically he could ask for a share of that. So you might end up worse off. I don't think it's possible to get money out of a pension like that. Mine's not accessible until 67.

I can see you're upset but honestly you need to focus on getting better. You can't be that old and have many working years ahead.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/12/2020 00:06

The time for spousal maintenance is usually right at the beginning (after a longer marriage) until you would be able to retrain or in the one case I knew (after a 20 year marriage) recover from cancer

You really have no chance whatsoever after 7 years APART (even if you could in the very unlikely instance of being able to include your 5 years before marriage)

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 31/12/2020 00:08

[quote OzziePopPop]@RosieWosieWoo I read this exact (and I do mean exact) scenario from his new partner about you, asking what you might be entitled to - his pension etc yesterday. I’d seriously consider having this removed, she’s on here. You need to review threads for the last few days too![/quote]
Really? Well they obviously do not know themselves then. Goodness me

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/12/2020 00:08

OP take it from me, I've been through this. I had a long marriage, was sent into nervous breakdown by ex and OW. Was left to bring up our son alone. I wasn't entitled to anything but I fought to keep our house and did manage to do that. It was the only marital asset. He'd liquidated everything else and spent it on OW. I get 100 a month maintenance for our son. You are not entitled to anything in the situation you describe. He has no obligation to support you and no court would make him. As I said, call his bluff on that and let him apply if he wishes. I still don't think you will get the outcome you think you should. You need to find a way to support yourself and pay for your child: I really do sympathise but that is the cold hard facts of it.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 00:08

I won't sign anything unless he pays me a lump sum, and I will act as litigant in person at court as a PP said if he really wants a clean break, I'm not going to make this easy for him, why should I? I

am going to ask mumsnet to delete this post as there is a lot of identifying information and I should have been more

OP posts:
thirstyformore · 31/12/2020 00:09

@OzziePopPop - I've just spotted the thread too.

VanGoghsDog · 31/12/2020 00:09

[quote RosieWosieWoo]@Amira19 my son knows why I only volunteer, and is aware that mental health is as important as physical health, if I had a broken arm I wouldn't be expected to work would I?[/quote]
Yes. If you need to support yourself. I worked the whole time I had a broken ankle, for example.

Loads of people work with loads of ill health issues.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/12/2020 00:09

Why would your son tell you at 9 that he is coming to live with you when he is older?

You should not be encouraging these conversations with him - you need to be supporting your very young child to enjoy living with his dad (even if it sticks in your throat)

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 00:11

Thankyou to those who have been kind.

OP posts:
Amira19 · 31/12/2020 00:11

You're more bothered how much money you can get rather than increasing contact with youre child.

GlowingOrb · 31/12/2020 00:12

Your interest in his pension would be limited to the amount that relates to the time you were married up until the separation. So if he had additional contributions after you separated, those are solely his. You can be entitled to growth from the marital share. Basically, it can be hugely complicated and expensive to parse out the exact value of a pension from a marriage. In my case it was easier just to offer my XH a cash settlement, but again, that was based only on the time we were actively married and he would have a counterclaim if you had one during the same time.

Notsure2020 · 31/12/2020 00:12

How much lump sum are you wanting?

And you're going to fry your poor sons head if you keep having those conversations with him, let him he a child fgs, I'm beginning to see why he now lives with his dad full time.

TDMN · 31/12/2020 00:12

OP, have you contacted any charities etc about the ongoing abuse, maybe they can help with support? You dont have a leg to stand on for money im afraid, it sounds like you contributed less than him as you were financially dependent on him during your training and hes a high earner, and as you've been seperated for a large part of your sons life and he is now resident parent its not the same as when one partner gives up work to raise the kids. Its a really sad situation you're in, but you've been seperated for so long and you're effectively saying that you deserve compensation for his affair and EA, which isnt realistic.

Catsup · 31/12/2020 00:15

When is your PIP award until OP? If you feel capable of volunteering currently could you not consider agency work caring/nursing for one shift a week that'd get you back in the game? Your PIP wouldn't be effected at least not until your next review, and whilst your UC would be readjusted you'd still come out slightly on top, and may find a job that's a good fit for you full time perhaps. Even if your current registration has lapsed a nursing home/agency would snap off your hand to take you as you're qualified.

SD1978 · 31/12/2020 00:15

After such a short marriage I don't think you would have much support regarding spousal support. Maybe the pension, but only for the time you were together, as a possibility. If you can't afford a lawyer then you will need to sign the clean break. You shouldn't be bitter about not being able to claim benefits you're not entitled to- he is entitled to child benefits, and if he earns well- that's not his fault. That this still affects you to the extent you've lost custody of your child 5 years later, I'm sorry- but I don't think you can keep blaming him. You need to work on moving forwards, instead of looking back. If you can't afford a lawyer, you can try to represent yourself if you refuse the clean break- or accept it and move forwards for your own and your child's sake.

viques · 31/12/2020 00:17

[quote RosieWosieWoo]@Catsup I have asked for a financial disclosure before I know how much to ask for. I have also asked him to make an offer but he has come back with an almost insulting amount.[/quote]
But time and time again people have told you , you are not going to get a judge to award you spousal maintenance. If I were you I would take what lump sum he has offered, and use it to do whatever you need to do to start to put yourself together again.

You really need to do this, both for your own sake and for your sons sake. You cannot realistically live the rest of your life feeling this way. I realise you feel cheated and broken, but there is also an element of jealousy and resentment ,about his lifestyle and his new relationship that comes across in your posts, and this could partly be what is stopping you from healing and moving on with your life.

You need to accept that your marriage is over, you aren’t in any real sense his wife , you are an adult woman, responsible for your own life. You have worked and supported your son before, you can do it again.

VanGoghsDog · 31/12/2020 00:18

[quote RosieWosieWoo]@GordonsAliveAndEatsPies We never talked about our pensions when we separated, it didn't ever come into conversation, to be honest it was a horrible time and I just wanted to get out. I was receiving my pension for about 4 years of our relationship, him for the whole of the relationship.[/quote]
What do you mean you were "receiving" your pension and so was he?

How old are you?

I think you mean you and your employer were paying into a pension. Four years of an NHS pension isn't going to be worth much. His may be worth more as it was for longer and you say he is a high earner, so adding the two together and splitting them could mean you get a bit but unless you are over 55 it's not cash you can use now, it has to be put into a pension scheme (unless he buys out the liability with cash). The cost of the actuaries to work it all out and setting up your own scheme is pretty prohibitive unless there's a large pot.

Realistically, the vast majority of the things you have said aren't relevant. It was a short marriage, there were no assets, he doesn't have to support you legally, your child lives with him so there's no child maintenance due to you (you should probably pay him some from your benefits in fact).

In your shoes, I'd just get the divorce finalised and concentrate on getting well enough to work so your son can live with you. You'd need to go back to court to challenge residency though.

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