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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Spousal Maintenance

274 replies

RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 22:28

STBXH and I separated 7 years ago after 7 years together (5 years cohabiting 2 years married). We have one son.

When we separated I was working full time and able to pay my rent etc, however due to his emotional abuse towards me I had a breakdown 2 years later and was no longer able to work. It has been 4 years, and I am still not able to work. He is resident parent of our son due to my mh problems, and lives in a lovely 3 bed house that he owns with his new partner who he has had a baby with.

He claims child benefit even though he earns too much to actually get the money paid to him. Him not allowing me to claim child benefit has meant that I am not eligible for some housing benefits and I am essentially poor, I live hand to mouth so that I can keep a two bedroom flat, with my son having his own room. I have my son every other weekend.

He is now asking me to sign a clean break order before our divorce is finalised. I have requested a lump sum in return for signing due to my financial hardship, but he is refusing and threatening me with court.

If this does go to court, what are my chances of achieving spousal maintenance or a lump sum? Does anyone have any kind of experience of divorce after a long separation?

I am ineligible for legal aid.

I am so grateful in advance for any help at all.

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 31/12/2020 00:19

Are you receiving all the benefits you should be entitled to ? UC? PIP ?

MiddlesexGirl · 31/12/2020 00:21

With all due respect, OP sounds like she has suffered a fair degree of emotional abuse and her mental health is that poor that she has been awarded PIP. It would be really nice if posters could avoid piling on and kicking her when she's down.

Biancadelrioisback · 31/12/2020 00:23

Op, arguing with people on here and making your case won't have a different outcome.
Many, many people have been in your shoes. Listen to them

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 00:26

I am coming off of this thread now. I'm sorry I ever started it. Again, to those who have been kind, it is very appreciated.

OP posts:
WonderfulWinde · 31/12/2020 00:28

OP, I am really sorry for what you have been through. However, there has to come a point where you have to only rely on yourself.

You get PIP and other benefits, you do voluntary work so us there a reason you can't work paid part time.

I know MH problems are harsh, I also suffer. My ex also walked out on me and to top it off I have Multiple Sclerosis and epilepsy.. but I still work because it makes me feel good and I have children to look after.

I really hope you get there.

NYNY211 · 31/12/2020 00:28

Why are you still struggling on PIP?

In the kindest way there’s lots of sad stories on here about marriages ending. You shouldn’t want your ex to support you financially. It’s not right.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 31/12/2020 00:33

Your husband is a c**t for treating you so badly, it hurts like hell, and I know exactly what it's like, my ex still even now thinks he has got the upper hand because I was in exactly the same position as you, also a nurse and struggled completely. It does get better, and when you find that fire inside you to fight back, nothing will stop you.

You are a highly trained nurse, go back to work and show that fucker you are over him, you deserve a King, not a lying cheating waste of space.

giggly · 31/12/2020 01:10

Fuck sake Confused round and round and round she goes not getting the answer she wants so off she goes huff huff huff.
Insulting for everyone with MH issues who manage to work and not demand money from ex’s

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 31/12/2020 01:15

OP I'm sorry that you have suffered and are suffering. I also have severe depression and anxiety and am unable to work at the moment.

But I wouldn't ever expect my ex to pay anything to me. Well other than child maintenance, and he doesn't even pay that. I would be very very surprised if you got anything. Just work on getting better, then when you are ready get a job.

Oh and stop involving your 9 year old in tit-for-tat and pay his DF some maintenance. Surely you are meant to, even on PIP? While I have sympathy for your situation I think its disgraceful that you aren't paying for your child.

musicalfrog · 31/12/2020 07:40

OP please don't downplay your volunteering, it's still important, you are still expected to show up, get a job done, be part of a team etc. Find yourself a paid role (if you can volunteer you can do this), and start getting that confidence up. You don't need to rely on anyone but yourself.

ivfbeenbusy · 31/12/2020 07:52

Spousal support is virtually impossible to get. You were only married 2 years - no judge is going to award you anything - it's his word against you regarding the "emotional abuse" and to be honest it's been long enough now for you to have for back on your feet and started working

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2020 07:57

I’m sorry you’re unwell op. But no you’re not entitled to anything from him. You get half of the assets which came into the marriage after the marriage and that is all. Not anything he had before. And no not his pension,

The law is not punitive, it doesn’t work that way. I think you need to agree the divorce snd move on, focusing on getting well again.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 08:50

As I understand it, as we never signed any kind of financial order when we separated and aren't even divorced yet I am entitled to claim against his assets, and when filling in the form E I will be able to detail his behaviour towards me. There are plenty of examples of ex husbands being pursued 10 even 20 years down the line by ex wives. The law is on my side here.

OP posts:
Amira19 · 31/12/2020 08:57

Youre motivation is money here and how much you can get not increasing contact with youre child. You sound like you want to punish him and are bitter. Plenty of woman are cheated on end up depressed however they move out crave a future for themselves and there child. Youre still stood in the past 7 years on and it isn't healthy a judge won't award you what youre not entitled to op. I dont know how you are going to pursue anything if you have no money of a solicitor.

trevorandsimon · 31/12/2020 08:57

Yes but he doesn't have any assets does he! You didn't own a house or anything else of value. You wont be able to claim against his pension as then he can claim against yours and due to the short marriage it isnt worth it or a court battle. You need to listen to what ALL these people are telling you. Move on. Divorce, build yourself a life. That's the only way you are likely to get your son back. And do it quickly because the longer he lives with your ex the longer he is likely to stay. Stop trying to flog a dead horse with trying to get money out of your ex. He doesn't have to support you and he wont.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 31/12/2020 09:01

Back again OP. Thought you'd left?

Honestly, split 7 years ago after a very short marriage and you genuinely believe you are entitled to his financial support? How long do you believe that would be for btw?

You sound like the greedy vindictive ex wife painted by all ex husbands. You are not even paying for your child. You say he was abusive yet he got custody...

You were married for two years and spilt up 7 years ago. When they see that you have been split up so long and that you pay no CM, you'll get very little, just what you are entitled to. You need to stop being greedy and look after yourself. Your bitterness is harming your son.

movingonup20 · 31/12/2020 09:02

Possibly a share of pension but only from marriage until separation only 2 years - I doubt it's worth the legal fees. As your son is resident with him you are not entitled to child benefit.

ivfbeenbusy · 31/12/2020 09:09

Actually the law isn't on your side when you've been married for all of 5 minutes.

Length of marriage is taken into consideration during a divorce.

You have an NHS pension he could just as easily go after

Presumably you aren't paying maintenance for your child to the father?

Oldbutstillgotit · 31/12/2020 09:19

Be careful if you are planning to go after his pension . I was advised against it when I divorced as I had a Civil Service one which was much better. I am glad I didn’t.
I think cases you are referring to where ex wives can claim further down the line are those where men have either hidden assets or their careers have taken off spectacularly after the divorce ( a footballer comes to mind).

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 31/12/2020 09:26

One last point that’s worth considering - you don’t know how any ‘assets’ you now believe he has are paid for. Just because his partner has lost her job now doesn’t mean she doesn't gave assets. Fir all you know you house might be hers! After all, if he had no assets when you were together he would be doing exceptionally well to suddenly now buy a house and live this high lifestyle you seem to think he now has. This might not be be the case but it’s worth considering and could mean that things you might be after may be even further out if your reach - and sorry to say rightly so!

Oldbutstillgotit · 31/12/2020 09:31

I do feel for you as my first husband was abusive however would you seriously go after the house where YOUR child lives ? The child you don’t financially support ?
OP I think you need to keep working on improving your MH , get a paid job and establish a healthy relationship with your son.

christmasathomeagain · 31/12/2020 09:45

Why are you not listening op?

The law os NOT on your side. The marriage had no assets. His pension will be worth very little but would be ofset by yours.

You can't claim you were financially reliant on him as at the time of separation you were working full time and did so for another two years. You don't appear to be able to claim that he can only do well now because you financed him say through uni as it was him that did that for you.

Please stop beating this same drum. Its silent and all you are doing is tiring yourself out. Divorce him, move on and get a job. Make something of your life, give yourself something to get up for each day, a purpose and structure and anything you perceive your ex to be doing will seem irrelevant to your life. Right now you are focussed on him far to much and it's not healthy, for you or your son.

Notdimbutalsonotthin · 31/12/2020 09:49

You are unlikely to get spousal maintenance. I’m sorry.

Women’s aid sometimes have pro Bono lawyers, and cab would be good too.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 10:03

I'm sorry, but what even is the point of a clean break order if it wasn't because of the fact that ex partners can pursue each other further down the line??? Like I said, the law says that I am able to pursue him because we didn't sign a financial order, I don't understand why this is so shocking to everyone. It is LAW.

Either way, I won't attempt to claim anything from him now, but as I said I certainly won't make life easy for him and sign the clean break. If we end up in court so be it, I'll be making the judge aware of what this man has put me through.

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 31/12/2020 10:07

He has emailed this morning to say he is going to apply for the absolute as respondent. I will be asking for this to be stopped as financial matters aren't sorted. This is what a bully this man is.

OP posts: