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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Spousal Maintenance

274 replies

RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 22:28

STBXH and I separated 7 years ago after 7 years together (5 years cohabiting 2 years married). We have one son.

When we separated I was working full time and able to pay my rent etc, however due to his emotional abuse towards me I had a breakdown 2 years later and was no longer able to work. It has been 4 years, and I am still not able to work. He is resident parent of our son due to my mh problems, and lives in a lovely 3 bed house that he owns with his new partner who he has had a baby with.

He claims child benefit even though he earns too much to actually get the money paid to him. Him not allowing me to claim child benefit has meant that I am not eligible for some housing benefits and I am essentially poor, I live hand to mouth so that I can keep a two bedroom flat, with my son having his own room. I have my son every other weekend.

He is now asking me to sign a clean break order before our divorce is finalised. I have requested a lump sum in return for signing due to my financial hardship, but he is refusing and threatening me with court.

If this does go to court, what are my chances of achieving spousal maintenance or a lump sum? Does anyone have any kind of experience of divorce after a long separation?

I am ineligible for legal aid.

I am so grateful in advance for any help at all.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 30/12/2020 23:09

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you are not going to get spousal maintenance and indeed if there are no assets to share then that isn't going to happen either. The only thing here is the pension. I would let him take you to court. You can represent yourself, it's easy, I've done it multiple times. I'd call his bluff on that and absolutely do not sign anything.

Your marriage was short so you are not in a strong position and indeed you are not the resident parent. You really are going to have to work hard at getting yourself back in a position to work, even if you start with volunteering. One step at a time. However your ex has absolutely no obligation towards you I'm afraid.

trevorandsimon · 30/12/2020 23:10

You can find out everything about financial affairs and splits when divorcing if you Google just that. It's all available to find out in a divorce wiki and numerous other websites.

BlueThistles · 30/12/2020 23:10

Are you in the UK OP ? You are very unlikely to be awarded spousal support... despite your breakdown... because you were not dependant on his income when you separated .. you worked full time.. regardless of the reasons for not being able to work now.. you need to move forward from seeing him as your financial support and find your own future income. 🌺

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:10

I have intensive CBT and counselling. I am registered disabled due to my MH.

@DieHardIsAXmasMovie we rented and lived an averagely comfortable life after I graduated, but we had no assets as such. Only pensions.

OP posts:
unicornparty · 30/12/2020 23:10

[quote RosieWosieWoo]@Remxhah126 Would I not be eligible for a share of his pension as it is now? I have an NHS pension, would I have to share this or is this not seen as a private pension? Sorry for the questions.[/quote]
All pensions are put into the pot to be shared out in the appropriate proportion.

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 30/12/2020 23:11

Going back to basics - what did you get when you originally split?

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:12

@BlueThistles Thank you. He paid me CMS from the day I left up until my son moved to live with him, surely this means he supported me?

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 30/12/2020 23:14

[quote RosieWosieWoo]@BlueThistles Thank you. He paid me CMS from the day I left up until my son moved to live with him, surely this means he supported me?[/quote]

No... it means he supported his Child 🌺

Notsure2020 · 30/12/2020 23:14

Did you ever pay any child maintenance for your son?

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:14

@GordonsAliveAndEatsPies We agreed he would pay me £200 per month so I could live in a two bed, and this was a verbal agreement until I instructed the CMS 3 years later

OP posts:
Amira19 · 30/12/2020 23:14

The cms was child maintenance not spousal that was because the child was in youre care at the time and you were the resident parent. He stopped when he became resident parent.

namechangeforfriday · 30/12/2020 23:15

Plenty of people have been cheated on, experienced abuse and have serious mental health issues and still manage to work, myself included. 7 years on you’re not his responsibility. You need to focus on getting yourself to a place where you’re self sufficient rather than trying to get him to pick up the tab. His behaviour might have been the catalyst for your issues but how you deal with them is entirely your responsibility

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:15

@GordonsAliveAndEatsPies. We had no assets just an old car

OP posts:
GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 30/12/2020 23:16

I mean pension wise. If the two pensions were assets at the time - weren’t they split accordingly at that point?

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:16

@Notsure2020 I have no earnings so I can't

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:17

@GordonsAliveAndEatsPies We didn't ever discuss pensions or finances when we separated, just agreed he would pay me that monthly amount

OP posts:
Amira19 · 30/12/2020 23:18

You have been separated for the same amount of time you were together 7 years ago is along time. I know you're mental health has suffered but you need to take action and look further to the future its along time ago you need to get yourself healthy for you and youre child, that means getting a job even part time. This cant be healthy for youre son to experience op. You have a chance to carve a life for yourself independent of youre ex and met someone else plenty have done so myself included its not within youre reach. How old is youre child now?

Notsure2020 · 30/12/2020 23:20

I don't mean to be harsh but it's a bit cheeky to expect your ex from years ago to now support you financially when hes not had a penny of support from you for your son. Could you imagine if a man came on here saying he didn't pay any maintenence for his child but still wanted the child's mother to financially support him, he'd be ripped to shreds Hmm

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:21

@Amira19 I have been volunteering for the NHS as I can work from home. My son is 9

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 30/12/2020 23:21

PP are being unreasonably harsh. Of course you want to be able to afford a 2 bed property so your DC can have their own bedroom when they stay.
However none of us can say what you'd be entitled to on divorce, especially as you've had quite a long separation.
Maybe have a look at www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation as a starting point.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2020 23:22

If you can work from home there are loads of things you can do to earn money.

How much have you asked for as a lump sum?

His partner is probably contributing to their shared house so it’s unlikely to be down to just his income.

Amira19 · 30/12/2020 23:23

Can you not get a paid job doing something similar? Youre son is going to pick up on this and it sounds like a very unhealthy environment for him, he wants to see his his mother happy and healthly. The only person who can make the change is you.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:23

thanks @MiddlesexGirl, I have seen those brochures, I will look to buy one when I have the funds

OP posts:
Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:24

@AnneLovesGilbert His partner lost her job because of covid so she does not have to contribute so he supports her financially - Yet I am his wife and am expected to just get nothing?

OP posts:
TDMN · 30/12/2020 23:24

OP Really sorry to hear you are still struggling, do you receive PIP as you are registered disabled? As PP have noted any lump sum or spousal support would affect some of the other benefits you are receiving so I dont think that would be the way to go, as you have been seperated so long and were married (whilst together) such a short time i really dont think spousal support would even be on the table, it would be relatively easy for him to prove that you were seperated from xx date so it would just be seen as a short marriage. Do you have a social worker?

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