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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Spousal Maintenance

274 replies

RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 22:28

STBXH and I separated 7 years ago after 7 years together (5 years cohabiting 2 years married). We have one son.

When we separated I was working full time and able to pay my rent etc, however due to his emotional abuse towards me I had a breakdown 2 years later and was no longer able to work. It has been 4 years, and I am still not able to work. He is resident parent of our son due to my mh problems, and lives in a lovely 3 bed house that he owns with his new partner who he has had a baby with.

He claims child benefit even though he earns too much to actually get the money paid to him. Him not allowing me to claim child benefit has meant that I am not eligible for some housing benefits and I am essentially poor, I live hand to mouth so that I can keep a two bedroom flat, with my son having his own room. I have my son every other weekend.

He is now asking me to sign a clean break order before our divorce is finalised. I have requested a lump sum in return for signing due to my financial hardship, but he is refusing and threatening me with court.

If this does go to court, what are my chances of achieving spousal maintenance or a lump sum? Does anyone have any kind of experience of divorce after a long separation?

I am ineligible for legal aid.

I am so grateful in advance for any help at all.

OP posts:
namechangeforfriday · 30/12/2020 23:39

[quote RosieWosieWoo]@Amira19 my son knows why I only volunteer, and is aware that mental health is as important as physical health, if I had a broken arm I wouldn't be expected to work would I?[/quote]
I say this as a person with diagnosed and medicated MH issues - yes, mental health is as IMPORTANT as physical health but it does not have the same effects as a physical disability. Someone who loses a leg, for example, will have lost that leg for the rest of their life, forever. Depression and anxiety affect someone very differently to psychosis or schizophrenia, but in most cases, can be managed with medication and therapy to the point where they’re not present every day of the person’s life. It is possible to live a ‘normal’ life with mental health issues, while some physical disabilities will prevent this in a different way. Plenty of jobs are home-based at the moment anyway, why not look for something part time and home based to begin with? In the long run it’ll make your life easier to be financially independent.

Amira19 · 30/12/2020 23:39

I'm wondering if he's trying to protect his child, out of interest why did he seek full custody its rare a court would order that and completely swap custody arrangements without cafass and social services involvement. I picked up on youre distain for them in earlier posts.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 30/12/2020 23:40

[quote RosieWosieWoo]@unicornparty Yes and I am doing very well at the moment and have been doing some volunteering but I don't feel well enough to hold down a full time job, and it is very difficult to go back into work when it affects your benefits so much. I am better off not working[/quote]
If your on benefits you need to be paying maintenance for your child. It sounds to me that you can't be bothered to get a job because your better off on the dole, but what about your dc?

LaurieFairyCake · 30/12/2020 23:41

Oh I see you've not posted before under this username

Did you seek help on here before under another username when your ex was going to court for residency?

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:42

@LaurieFairyCake I made numerous police reports about his harassment of me, and they spoke to him each time. They refused to take anything further because emotional abuse is so hard to prove.

Yes social services were involved in him getting residency - our SS in our area are on special measures as they have often scored badly on their last OFSTED report. They have ruined my life.

OP posts:
BillMasen · 30/12/2020 23:42

[quote RosieWosieWoo]@Amira19 my son knows why I only volunteer, and is aware that mental health is as important as physical health, if I had a broken arm I wouldn't be expected to work would I?[/quote]
Yes you would

Physical and mental health should be treated equally yes, but there are degrees of both. Some mental health issues are mild, some not.

Amira19 · 30/12/2020 23:44

Op social services dont take children from their mothers if they are happy and healthy for no reason other professional bodies such as cafass will have been involved and made several reports.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:44

@GalaxyCookieCrumble Can't be arsed? With respect, you have NO idea about my mental health issues or how much I have overcome to be where I am today, making judgements about people who are struggling is incredibly damaging, I would give anything to have a 'normal' life

OP posts:
CorianderBee · 30/12/2020 23:45

Spousal maintenance is hard to get in the UK as far as I'm aware. After 2 years marriage I'd think even more so.

christmasathomeagain · 30/12/2020 23:45

[quote RosieWosieWoo]@christmasathomeagain The emotional abuse is ongoing. He uses our son as a pawn to hurt me. He has taken everything from me.[/quote]
Has he? Or were you unable to care for your child so he had to take over? What has he taken from you?

Im sorry op. I don't mean to be harsh. My dh suffers with mental health issues and its really difficult but he still gets on with life, working to support our family.

You might legally be his wife but morally you haven't been for a long time and so comparing him financially supporting his current partner (who he probably would love to marry and make official, except for you blocking it) to not supporting a woman he hasn't been with for the same amount of time he was with in the first case.

Please op, move on, get your life together for you and your son.

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:46

@LaurieFairyCake No I haven't posted about my ex going to court for residency, but I have name changed for this post

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 30/12/2020 23:46

Honestly Op, you have zero chance of spousal maintenance. That's rare and only granted after very long relationships (years and years) where one party had clearly sacrificed career , earnings etc to support a partner and it's normally only ever awarded for a set amount of time. Please don't rack up large legal bills pursuing this. What you are entitled to is a share of his pension for the years ye were married and likewise he is entitled to half of yours for the same period. The fact that he has sole custody and you don't pay any child support though may complicate matters and move to things to a non 50 .50 split in his favour.

Catsup · 30/12/2020 23:47

How much did you ask for as a lump sum?

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:50

This man has caused my mental health problems, with 7 years of perpetual abuse and breaking me down, yes I managed a couple of years, and I'm really proud of myself for hanging on that long, but then I crumbled - I don't see how anyone can tell me it's fair or right that he gets to live a wealthy life whilst I, the person who gave him his son, have to get by on barely anything. I don't get holidays with my son, I don't get to give him big Christmases.

OP posts:
Heyahun · 30/12/2020 23:51

You need to separate the 2 things - move on from my your husband, get the divorce finalised! You won be getting the child benefit or spousal maintenance so forget about it!

Your ex does not have to support you anymore - your not together

Focus on sorting your mental health out, getting yourself back to work, and when you are well again apply for more access to your son via the courts.

I really think you need to stop blaming your ex for all of your problems tbh - you need to get past it!

LaurieFairyCake · 30/12/2020 23:52

You really are going to get nothing from him financially - certainly not more than what a solicitor will cost. Short marriage, you're not paying child support, you're at least 20 years away from pension age?

And while he has residency he will get the child maintenance

Your only hope is to forget all this, make your way back to good health and get a decent job again. Separately to that you need good boundaries around your email/texts so he can't continue to abuse you.

Do you have a good relationship with your sons school? Are you able to pick him up from there so you have very little contact with your ex?

Original poster
RosieWosieWoo · 30/12/2020 23:52

@Catsup I have asked for a financial disclosure before I know how much to ask for. I have also asked him to make an offer but he has come back with an almost insulting amount.

OP posts:
GrettaGreen · 30/12/2020 23:53

Tbh you're getting a good deal already. Nothing stopping him going to CMS and having money docked from your benefits. I'd quit whilst you're ahead.

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 30/12/2020 23:53

How much did he offer?

Amira19 · 30/12/2020 23:54

I think its clear that there's more to this and you broke down after youre relationship and were unable to work or care for youre child, therefore he seeked to gain full custody reading between the lines. Was the break down triggered by his new partner becoming pregnant by any chance?

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 30/12/2020 23:56

@BillMasen

If you were a man you would be told to step up, get a job, pay cms for your child.

So...

We already have told her, so move on Bill, you have a habit of jumping on threads like this to try score points.
Catsup · 30/12/2020 23:56

If the amount would be enough to raise a deposit for a private 2 bed rent plus moving costs, and if your Universal Credit can then cover the rent, basic expenses and your PIP to top you up? Then I'd honestly consider accepting it to dig you out of your current financial hole.

notapizzaeater · 30/12/2020 23:57

My mum had to fight to get spousal maint and they'd been married 25 years, you've not a cat In hells chance. If his pension,pot was huge compared to yours when you split you 'might' be able to go after that but that's all.

OzziePopPop · 30/12/2020 23:57

@RosieWosieWoo I read this exact (and I do mean exact) scenario from his new partner about you, asking what you might be entitled to - his pension etc yesterday. I’d seriously consider having this removed, she’s on here. You need to review threads for the last few days too!

Viviennemary · 30/12/2020 23:57

Your situation is very hard. But you say yourself you can't look after your son so you won't get the child maintenance or be entitled to benefit for him as you're not the resident parent. If you claim on your ex's pension then I think he would be entitled to claim on yours. These days rightly or wrongly spousal maintenance is seldom paid. As you were only married for two years I don't think you would have much of a chance to claim against his assets. You could look into claiming benefits if you are unable to work because of ill health.