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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

STBEH being difficult about Payment for extracurricular

187 replies

DaveTheDog · 07/02/2020 16:41

I’m having a disagreement with my STBEH about his contributions for our child’s extracurricular activities.

Id be interested to know from single parents of secondary school age children. What do you spend each month / term on extra-curricular activities and what are they?

Just curious as to what is ‘normal’ ?

Our child does Saturday music school / band, piano once a week and science lessons.

He currently pays £150 on top of £350 a month child maintenance and this just isn’t enough. So £500 a month for one child for everything. He wants to cap this. I live in London.

OP posts:
Leninahux · 07/02/2020 17:03

Paying an extra £150 when his maintenance is £350 seems quite a lot to me. I can understand why he doesn't want to pay more. Are you really spending over £300 per month on extracurricular activities?

okiedokieme · 07/02/2020 17:11

Extra curricular are optional so he can't be made to pay, capping makes sense to me, it is not a blank cheque based on your choices

Original poster
DaveTheDog · 07/02/2020 18:09

Well I don’t think £150 extra from him a month is enough for all the activities our child does. £500 a month isn’t enough overall. He’s taking me to court over finances and I’ll be raising this issue. He’s stopping our child from having opportunities if he caps the amount.

London is expensive and I’m sure Ibcant be the only single parent with this issue.

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 07/02/2020 18:27

What do you mean by single parent? How is a science lesson extra curricular?

What is normal totally depends on what you are used to and how much money you have. It is very hard to tell from your post whether he is being mean or you are being unreasonable.

I know people who spend high hundreds a month and some who spend almost nothing.

PeppaisaBitch · 07/02/2020 18:32

He doesn't have to pay anything. I think it's ridiculous to spend over £500 on extra curricular activities. I agree tiger should be a cap especially as you could just add on more activities and expect him to foot the bill.

Original poster
DaveTheDog · 07/02/2020 19:03

We are separated and divorcing - so therefore I’m a single parent.
Our child needs help with science - so is having lessons outside of school - to pass all 3 GCSEs.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaveTheDog · 07/02/2020 19:05

It’s not over £500

£350 maintenance is topped up £150 for Extra activities each month to £500 a month. It might not be enough for other opportunities, or extras needed.

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 07/02/2020 19:07

I think that’s plenty.

Clangus00 · 07/02/2020 19:08

Dad really doesn’t need to pay anything on top of the maintenance payment he already gives.
If he refuses to pay any extra, he can’t be made to. Pick your battles here OP , or you’re shoot yourself in the foot.

wobytide · 07/02/2020 19:10

He pays £150, you pay £150. £300 should be enough for extra curricular activities a month. If they are secondary school then their workload will increase anyway so they will likely drop some over time. Your child isn't being denied opportunities. Only you are denying them

NotAPan · 07/02/2020 19:13

People have to cut their cloth accordingly.

I'd be reluctant to spend more than £150 a month on extracurriculars for my child, too.

How much are the various activities?

Techway · 07/02/2020 19:14

It depends on his income but assuming £350 is cms limit his earnings are probably average for London and a court isn't likely to suggest he pays more.

It is very tough to go from 2 households to one and budgets have to be cut. I assume you work so contribute similar amounts towards your son.

Do you also receive child benefit? I would just cap the expenditure to what you can afford as I doubt a court will award anything over £500 but it is income dependant. He will show how he needs to pay for housing etc and this will be accepted by court.

To put it in context many adults don't have over £150 per month for this hobbies

KitKatBox · 07/02/2020 19:16

Sometimes you just have to say no OP. I pay £60 a week for a teen’s tuition, music and sports. DD knows that’s where it ends and there will be no more expenditure or driving her around than there is already.

She could swap X for Y if that’s what she wants but she can’t have any more of my time as a chauffeur or any more money!

Lone parent, pay for it myself.

PatriciaHolm · 07/02/2020 19:16

What does he earn?

Original poster
DaveTheDog · 07/02/2020 19:19

He earns about 45K - self employed so i think it varies slightly each month.
He has our child for about 8-10 nights a month.

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 07/02/2020 19:20

When you go from one household to two, many things change and not just for the adults.

ddraigygoch · 07/02/2020 19:23

How are you spending £300 on extracurricular activities a month? Even in London that seems extortionate.

Wtfdoipick · 07/02/2020 19:28

I get a similar level of maintenance to you however i have to cover all extra curicular activites. He has no obligation to pay anything over and above the maintenance

Mintjulia · 07/02/2020 19:29

That sounds like a lot.

Our DS has weekly swimming lessons and martial arts classes, costing £75 per month. Ex pays £38 per month, plus half of the cost of any kit.

Add these classes plus homework, plus some general socialising, DS doesn't have time for much else.

ColumbaPalumbus · 07/02/2020 19:32

If he refuses the court is very unlikely to push him with a salary of 45k. Divorce means everyone cuts back. Sorry OP.

TomeOfSomething · 07/02/2020 19:33

what on earth are you doing with your child that costs £300? if its all on tuition, then maybe you should rethink their ambitions? Science might not be the right path for them?

HalfBiscuit · 07/02/2020 19:34

On his income and considering that you're in London £500 a month is above and beyond what he should be paying.

If you don't have the money then you don't do the extra-curriculars. My parents did not have a high income and so I didn't get to do a lot of paid for extras.

What is your salary?

Soontobe60 · 07/02/2020 19:37

According to the CmS calculator, assuming an income of £40k after pension contributions, he should be paying you £285 a month. So you're getting £165 more than you're entitled to.

reefedsail · 07/02/2020 19:41

How much extra-curriculars cost is the same as asking the length of a piece of string.

My DS does an expensive hobby which requires expensive coaching, equipment, clothing and travel. The equipment and clothing are battered by the elements and need replacing frequently. If I dared add it together it's likely £400-600 per month over the year. He does a couple of other things besides this hobby so our total would probably work out around £650pcm.

I think there are other things (serious music, dance, equestrianism etc) that would work out at this much and more.

On the other hand you can spend a few quid a week if you prefer or that is what you have to spare.

larrygrylls · 07/02/2020 19:54

It sounds like you can’t afford tutoring. You need to get your son to make the most of the support in place at school (help sessions etc) and to put in place a good revision timetable.

45k in London is nothing. Are you working? If not, you really ought to be.

I think that you are maybe being unduly hammered but you really don’t seem to realise that the money that used to support one household is now spread between two.

And you share parenting, you are not a single parent, that term means someone who is bringing their children up single handedly.