STBEH being difficult about Payment for extracurricular

[DaveTheDog]

I’m having a disagreement with my STBEH about his contributions for our child’s extracurricular activities.

Id be interested to know from single parents of secondary school age children. What do you spend each month / term on extra-curricular activities and what are they?

Just curious as to what is ‘normal’ ?

Our child does Saturday music school / band, piano once a week and science lessons.

He currently pays £150 on top of £350 a month child maintenance and this just isn’t enough. So £500 a month for one child for everything. He wants to cap this. I live in London.

@ddraigygoch yes that’s exactly it

@meeh you have misread this completely. I suggest you read the whole thread.

@ddraigygoch His parents died years ago and all family are overseas or not able to help advise, friends are mutual and find it difficult / don’t want to get involved.

In short - he’s being bullied by his Ex, he is in the red and cannot afford basics. I see what is going on and that he needs help and support so I’m giving it. That’s what you do for those you love.

Yes - we don’t live together - the truth is we cannot because of the situation and it’s not something I want to go into on this thread particularly. It’s likely we won’t be able to live together until his DD is 18. I’m supporting that. We can still have a meaningful relationship moving between two homes.

Since posters are labelling me and belittling me here - ‘just a lover’ - how vile. And advising when they have no first hand experience of a drawn out and acrimonious divorce, with one party acting abusively.

Also - people are not reading the thread fully with the additional information I have given. I don’t give a stuff about her spends on fags and hairdos for example - the point is: why does she bang on about how HE spends his money and expect HIM to live like a monk while spending on stuff like that herself? (while sitting on three properties, having rental income and £500 in maintenance a month for one child).

The current situation is extremely unfairly weighted in her favour. She’s tried to avoid disclosure and hanging over Form E. But it’s going to court now and hopefully will all get sorted.

Assets are likely to be split 50:50 or maybe more but depends on factors such as available equity/house prices/ages of both parties. I assume she has a pension? Has that been valued? Does he have a pension?

Maintenance maybe slightly higher for a few years to allow his Ex to adjust. Extra activities could be shared but usually both will need to agree ahead of time.

I would agree however that you should not get involved, as much for your own sanity and your relationship. You can't add unbiased support and I assume he is intelligent and therefore can make his own decisions. Trust that he can look after himself.
If you weren't on the scene he would cope and you risk being caught in the drama and adding fuel to the fire. Everyone's marriage and divorce are unique to them and ultimately he will have a long term relationship with his ex for his daughters sake.

Leaving this thread to go zombie now.

Thanks for those who contributed positively and revealed overwhelmingly that the current situation is unfair.

Lastly @Techway - no - I don’t think he would just have managed...

I believe that if I wasn’t on the scene he would be coerced into continuing an unfair ‘arrangement’ in which he is expected to pay out ‘on demand’, while having no privacy, no control over his own life, not ‘allowed’ to have a relationship, financially controlled and subjected to abusive behaviour.

...and if we hadn’t already made it this far I’d still be helping him as a dear friend.

...with respect that sounds like a very different divorce to the one my DP is dealing with.

BYE x

I see what is going on and that he needs help and support so I’m giving it

You’re seeing it from ONE angle. Far better to go through an official channel where there’s no emotional investment.

OK. We did not have an affair. They had been separated for four years before we met.

In fact - at the start of that separation SHE was in a relationship. And has had at least one other relationship since. In secret from their DD.

He had a couple of other relationships before me. The one immediately before she ensured ended - made his life very difficult.

She is abusive. Has actually attacked him and the police arrested her just over a year ago. She doesn’t want to be divorced - and the resulting financial split.

I was just attempting to focus on one aspect of the ‘arguments’ ready for court.

@JacquesHammer he used a solicitor for a year and ran out of money... Now court is coming up - representing himself.

Really am off now!

Fairly depressed at how some are viewing this... I’m simply trying to support my DP.

If you aren’t divorced yourself or had a less ‘troublesome’ one - wonderful!

Please bear in mind some divorces are pretty devastating and yes - sometimes one partner can behave unreasonably and will attempt to ruin the others life. I’ve been through it myself.

This was clearly a reverse. It a stupid waste of everyone's time doing reverses because obviously you only have your DPs version of events.

And has had at least one other relationship since. In secret from their DD

To be fair I see no issue with this.

I understand it’s stressful but you need to separate out what is an issue and what isnt.

“And has had at least one other relationship since. In secret from their DD” ...... and?!?! Since when do adults have to declare their relationships to their teenage children?! I bet she had her hair done and used petrol to get there too .

Plenty of divorced/separated people don’t date in front of their kids because the kids don’t need to know and it could confuse them.

I’m beginning to think this is not a reverse as much as the actual ex husband. In fact I hope so, because if the new partner of my ex was as obsessed with me as you @DaveTheDog - I’d be worried. And if you are genuinely the new girlfriend, pick your battles here as you could put your own Little overthinking and intense head on the block for him to then go off into the sunset with the next new thing.

Not your pig, not your farm OP.

If your ex feels bullied he is the one in a position to do something about it. He sounds like he’s in a pickle and is fully aware. I’m not sure what insight this MN thread has given him.

I’m a SM and appreciate why you feel aggrieved by this and even that your anger is only borne out of respect for your DP but the best you can do is detach and let your DP sort this himself.

DaveTheDog, I have been through an awful divorce and was the 2nd wife so have experience. For your sake I am saying to try not to get involved, it is drama. Court maybe the only way forward as some people will be unreasonable so court is inevitable. However try to step away from the detail as you will just burn so much energy until it is sorted.

Ideally you would have met when the divorce was all over but for whatever reason he has allowed this to drag on for 4 years.

Just try to see things a little more nuanced. She won't be all bad and he won't be all good. If you have that chain of thought you are likely to miss red flags. It really is in your interests to step aside and let them sort it out but perhaps that will only be seen in hindsight.

There’s no simple answer to this. The hard line is maintenance is meant to cover everything but we all live in hope that there will be a more pragmatic approach to life and that much in the way you discussed additional opportunities and whether you could afford them before you separated that practice will continue. The reality is that it doesn’t as all too often the focus becomes money and “what I pay you” and not the child. At the end of the day he is unlikely to change his view so the hard calls are going to fall to you to make. I made the decision a long time a go that the kids would come first and I’d rather go without to ensure they have the best opportunities available to them. It’s not forever but as a parent you learn to make sacrifices. Sorry OP you need to be the bigger person (and yes it sucks!)

He is giving you 150 for extra activities.

Do those activities come to more than 300 a month?

If not,you're being grabby and unreasonable

@ddraigygoch yes - that’s it.
It’s depressing that some on Mumsnet have their own agenda, seem to want to just be vile or post without any similar life experience. Nevertheless there has been some useful and understanding feedback here.

Things have moved on a bit since I originally wrote this reverse. Form E has been exchanged and she’s basically asking for pretty much all the assets (three properties). over £500 maintenance a month and over £300 a month for activities - with a few more added, plus spousal maintenance and the moon on a stick... It’s as if he’s a footballer or something. It’s nuts! Really is palace / park bench territory. I’m hoping that court will sort this mess out.

@Frankola
This was a reverse thread
And yes - it’s absolutely granny and unreasonable - see above

Grabby, even

Not grab a granny