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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

STBEH being difficult about Payment for extracurricular

187 replies

DaveTheDog · 07/02/2020 16:41

I’m having a disagreement with my STBEH about his contributions for our child’s extracurricular activities.

Id be interested to know from single parents of secondary school age children. What do you spend each month / term on extra-curricular activities and what are they?

Just curious as to what is ‘normal’ ?

Our child does Saturday music school / band, piano once a week and science lessons.

He currently pays £150 on top of £350 a month child maintenance and this just isn’t enough. So £500 a month for one child for everything. He wants to cap this. I live in London.

OP posts:
pointythings · 07/02/2020 20:25

You're really not coming across very well here, OP. You need to start working full time - your DC is secondary age, there is no reason for you to only be P/T. As for your STBXH - he is paying what he should and he is entitled to a life.

You are also not necessarily entitled to remain in the marital home.

From what you've said, he cheated - and you seem to think that means he has to keep you and your DC living exactly as you used to when you were married. Life doesn't work that way and the courts don't care that he cheated, only that he pays what he should. And he does. Welcome to the real world.

atomicnotsoblonde · 07/02/2020 20:28

You're in a hiding to nothing here. He is only obliged to pay the CSA rate. It's shit but that's the reality. He's not a high earner, so the court are likely to see your expectations as unrealistic.

FWIW my ex pays £50 per month for two children as he has his own business and can get away with it. It's not right and it's not fair, but your expectations as way off the mark.

bluebluezoo · 07/02/2020 20:28

It’s your choice to have these activities. He doesn’t have to pay legally

This. It’s a parenting decision, if he isn’t bothered about them doing extra curriculars then you can’t force him to pay for things you choose.

Dh’s ex stopped all extra curriculars after she kicked him out. Thought it was a waste of money and she didn’t want to be driving them around every night. Her choice, even though the kids kept asking to go.

Maintenance is to cover basics. Any activities he does on your time is down to you to fund.

atomicnotsoblonde · 07/02/2020 20:29

Re the FMH. You can't necessarily expect to stay. If you can't afford to run it, a court may well order a sale and split if proceeds do you can both have secure homes you can afford. Tread very carefully and take legal advice.

TomeOfSomething · 07/02/2020 20:45

so - why aren't you working full time now? your child is at school doing GCSEs

you still haven't answered what you are spending so much money on extra curricular activities - what are you spending MORE than £300 a month on?

He currently pays £150 on top of £350 a month child maintenance and this just isn’t enough. So £500 a month for one child for everything.

Original poster
DaveTheDog · 07/02/2020 21:04

Piano lesson once a week £40
Science lesson once a week £40
Saturday music school £50
Then there’s various school trips on top of that as well
It’s over £300 a month and he won’t pay any more than £150 on top of basic maintenance to cover it all. He argues with me about anything in addition.

OP posts:
ddraigygoch · 07/02/2020 21:06

You aren't answering the questions.

That breakdown doesn't help. None of them are necessities.
You can't afford that. You can't have a champagne lifestyle on a white lightning budget.

HalfBiscuit · 07/02/2020 21:07

OP, I think many people would only be able to afford one of those 3 hobbies.

£45k in London is not a particularly high wage, especially if he's paying for somewhere to live for himself too.

I'm afraid you're not being reasonable. Is there a reason you're not working FT if your child is in secondary?

Sumsuch · 07/02/2020 21:07

OP you are being greedy.

Work more. Seriously. What are you going to do when your child is out of education, and your ex stops paying?

Your ex is allowed to move on.

£500 per month is generous, especially as he has your child for nearly a third of the month.
As others said, you may shoot yourself in the foot. He doesn't have to pay so much. You're not married anymore, you cant control him. If he really wants to be crap, he could pay less, and see your child less.

Seriously, get yourself to work.

happy97 · 07/02/2020 21:10

I received nothing on top of his legal financial obligations.

practicallyperfectwithprosecco · 07/02/2020 21:13

If it comes to £300 a month he pays half you pay half

You are lucky my daughters dad told me any extra curricular stuff came out of maintenance payments as that's what it was for - I got nothing extra for school uniforms, trips,

Complain too much and he will pay only what he has too.

And if that's you biggest worry look at some of the threads from single mums who really do struggle to make ends meet - food and money on the gas and electric meter or an extra piano lesson?

ZombieFan · 07/02/2020 21:14

Piano lesson once a week £40
Science lesson once a week £40
Saturday music school £50

All luxury items that are not needed unless you can afford them. And it sounds like you cant afford them. Maybe its time to get a full time job?

OldMumYoungNan · 07/02/2020 21:19

I am shocked at the cost of those! Even on your combined income that would be a lot for a family (with London living costs as well) to provide for one child.

DelphiniumBlue · 07/02/2020 21:20

I love and work in London. 1:1 tutoring is about £40 per hour , so the science,alone is @£120 pm. Don't know how much band practice is, probably a lot less, piano possibly more, and don't know about music school. I can see how it easily adds up. If it can't be afforded, then you'll have to look at how it can be done cheaper, e.g. share science lessons. If DH can't pay, which seems likely, he's already paying 350 plus his own accommodation and living costs, then what options have you got!

Otter71 · 07/02/2020 21:21

Does the teen really want all this,? Personally I would say that is key. Give them a lesson in budgeting. Ask what they really want to do. You may have your solution. If you don't then ask them how they think you might find more money as you and his dad can't afford it now. DD was happy to give up some stuff but wanted to keep riding. It exceeded our budget. So she asked the stable owner how she could earn her rides. She now rides and pays for it by mucking out and helping with little ones rides each weekend.

areyous · 07/02/2020 21:21

Lol what.
I live in London. Have my child 100% of the time. Have an illness so cannot work so live on the benefits pittance.
Dc's father pays the minimum down to the pence and wouldn't even buy a pack of nappies when I have no money and you're saying £150 isn't enough for unnecessary luxuries?
Wth

Weenurse · 07/02/2020 21:21

He is paying half, you need to pay the other half.
Maybe look at getting a full time job.

mummmy2017 · 07/02/2020 21:25

So you need more money but won't increase your hours.

OldMumYoungNan · 07/02/2020 21:28

To replace the science tutoring could you instead take some time to research his science syllabus yourself and put together some resources (YouTube tutorials etc) that you could go through with your dc together.

Could he take some blocks of time off the piano lessons and just practise himself (do something like 3 months on, 3 months off for example). You could sit with him while he practices at time to help him and motivate him.

As you are part time employed I think it would be helpful to look at using some of your available time in lieu of paying for these things.

ichbineinstasumer · 07/02/2020 21:34

Teenagers are expensive! If they are interested in music and having tuition, I can understand that none of these seems like something you would willingly give up. Perhaps you could take on some extra hours for a while just to pay for those things - it's not forever after all, and I can see it's important to you not to stop your DC doing those extras. Maybe you could find an alternative to the Saturday band that is lower cost? My DD went to Saturday band for a while, subsidised through the local authority (not London). It may not be quite as good a band but perhaps a reasonable compromise - or might there be a bursary or other help available for the music?

TheHagOnTheHill · 07/02/2020 21:34

My exh is self employed,you are very lucky to be getting that much.My ex moved money,and delayed for 2 years so he was able to show 2 years accounts as him earning very little with no savings.I get £80 a month,with no contributions to anything else.

toast1123 · 07/02/2020 22:19

You're ignoring the posters asking why you don't work full time - why?

Original poster
DaveTheDog · 07/02/2020 22:36

I’m cabin crew and my time off working allows me to focus on my child and giving the best education possible, helping with homework and music practice etc. Housework etc.

OP posts:
ColumbaPalumbus · 07/02/2020 22:41

This is so a reverse

HalfBiscuit · 07/02/2020 22:52

So if your child is presumably out of the house 35 hours a week could you not get an additional PT job during the other 15 hours?

It seems that you can not afford the luxury of the extra curricular activities you'd like to give your child on a PT salary.

Are you and your ex still paying off the mortgage?