STBEH being difficult about Payment for extracurricular

[DaveTheDog]

I’m having a disagreement with my STBEH about his contributions for our child’s extracurricular activities.

Id be interested to know from single parents of secondary school age children. What do you spend each month / term on extra-curricular activities and what are they?

Just curious as to what is ‘normal’ ?

Our child does Saturday music school / band, piano once a week and science lessons.

He currently pays £150 on top of £350 a month child maintenance and this just isn’t enough. So £500 a month for one child for everything. He wants to cap this. I live in London.

So why isn’t he going through official channels?

I don’t see why you did this as a reverse.

The point being - he’s feeling forced to keep paying for lessons (without proper discussion about costs and affordability).

Meanwhile there are other means which should be discussed and assets effectively frozen - the finances aren’t settled. They won’t be settled at all without going to court.

I’ve been through divorce myself.

I’m simply trying to help.

And the advice of his solicitor and other professionals is very similar. Disclosure, Form E, spreadsheets.., discuss. Can’t agree: Court!

I sympathise with him. I have had to cut into my savings to maintain my own children's extracurrics at times. Entirely my choice and other people would make different decisions. Perhaps you could offer him advice from your own experience so he could sell some possessions or work harder to balance the books? Or is it only the single mums who have to do that to fund their children's extra currics?

None of this is court enforced spending, is it? He is making choices. If he wants to make different choices, that is also his prerogative.

OK so the reason for the reverse was to show what a ‘normal’ amount and arrangement for extra curricular activities would be. He has a barrage of abuse about this.

I have friends on much higher incomes (100K +) who spend less than £300 a month on such activities. If this thread had shown this is normal - then fair enough. But clearly it isn’t!

Sometimes divorce means living within means or finding a way of getting more income - but certainly not pressurising someone who is already earning and doing their best to earn more when the other partner only works 10 days a month... as this thread has teased out.

My DP has been in a bubble with his Ex for many years, paying out. Mostly guilt tripped.

By saying exactly what had been said to him in emails and messages it makes it clearer to see that she is being unreasonable.

But apparently since I fessed up this is all about me not doing better out of my own divorce.... 🙄

@Tulipan

Court is next

Ex has tried to avoid settling finances for a whole year. Prevaricated etc

Is he filing for divorce currently?

@Tulipan Yup - no savings left, nothing to sell that hasn’t already been cashed in, over 13K spent on a solicitor getting nowhere, in the red now and something has to give.

I’m doing my best to help in whatever way I can and have experienced this whole process myself.

His Ex has expenses that could also be seen as non-essential. She’s tried for a year to avoid the disclosure process. Spending on cigarettes / petrol money.., spending on hairdressers / going to the odd gig.., It all needs to come out. In court.

@Tulipan. He’s well over a year in. Mediation was awful and failed, then months of her having no solicitor but sending his endless emails requiring responses. Now it’s finally gong to court.

Ah well, all be sorted soon then. Sounds acrimonious. Cost them both more, but up to them.

No we don’t live together.

One of the Ex’s ‘issues’ is him spending money on petrol visiting me.

I of course spend money visiting him also.

Everything he spends money on is his choice .. how much he spends on petrol to see new lovers vs his child, for example. Beyond the bare minimum cms payments, the rest is up to him. Paying less for extra currics means his child having less extra currics. There it is. His choice. I can't see a court order helping him with that moral dilemma. Or is the idea that he might get more in the settlement and fund the extra payments that way? (Can he afford court?)

@Tulipan the point of the post was whether over £300 a month on activities is ‘normal’ on his income and hers. And how payment should be split. He’s being asked for more and more and there simply isn’t the money. He works full time freelance. She works 10 days a month.

Yes if he lived in sackcloth like a monk, saw nobody, stayed at home without the lights and heating on and existed on bread and water.., maybe.

The current level of activities is actually difficult to sustain in terms of time (never mind the money) - his DD is exhausted!

@Tulipan he has no choice other than to self-represent at court. The money had run out.

Ok, so extra currics of music and tuition every week could easily be £300 a month and I know plenty of people who, on that type of income, pay for weekly music and weekly science and maths tuition, yes. And, yes, it is expensive. And, yes, they do tend to holiday in tents and run 15 year old cars, and live on reduced item food in order to fund those extra currics. No, they don't tend to also have lovers who tell them what to spend their money on.

The most sensible and helpful post earlier was the one suggesting asking an open-ended question of his DD about what she enjoys doing.

It should reveal what is important to her in life, without any influencing going on.

Bearing in mind the subject-specific academic tutoring on top of the music is also important (even if she doesn’t enjoy it).

The sort of ‘extras’ currently going on are things like an exchange trip to a country where she’s not even learning the language, an expensive private language school during the summer holidays and a Saturday music school learning an additional instrument - (other lessons are already being paid for that will contribute to GCSE). If she really enjoys doing these things then fair enough. But I suspect there’s not a lot of choice going on here.

Again, aside from the cost, there’s also the issue of time spent with her Dad being diminished during weekends and in the holidays. He might want to take her on holiday and practice a language.

Ouch @Tulipan
By the way - I’m a bit more than just a ‘lover’. It’s rather nasty if you to label me as that.

No idea what your experience of divorce is. Mine is that people often behave in an abusive and selfish way and use their kids as pawns.

Yet again .... none of your business. Leave the parents to it!

All those sound perfectly normal activities for me/my peers. It sounds like education and exposing their child to a wide range of experiences are things which are important to both parents (otherwise he wouldn't be paying for them, right?)

I'm off now, I am sure you will be pleased to hear ;) I hope he gets things sorted. Court is never a good experience and it's a shame it has ended up that way. Hopefully he will at least get his divorce/finances sorted soon. He will continue to face choices about what extra curric he funds in my opinion, as this is already all voluntary.

So I answer male posters with more background and it’s “I’m off now” having labelled me as the lover / OW or whatever.

I’m trying to help my DP - and to get some clarity. I don’t honestly think other partners would simply be able to ignore this and say nothing.

My 12yr old goes to boxing club at £4 a week ( German and rugby club are both free after school clubs he attends).
I receive £175 maintanance and ex happily pays half of any school trips or uniform.
The rest is up to me

@RositaEspinosa - presumably they have been through a divorce and made some kind of financial agreement though? Something reasonable and therefore signed off by a judge either in court or remotely via a consent order? Usually this means that both parties can afford to live. Afford their rent and basic living expenses etc.

My DP is still struggling with this part of the process.

Just to make that clear.

OP. If he's your partner I'm assuming he's sharing this with you and you're supporting and advising him.

If somebody came to me and asked me about XYZ I wouldn't turn around and say not my problem. I'd help.

If you're happy in this relationship I'd keep supporting And advising. And hopefully this will all be over soo.

Wait what?! You don’t even live with him and you are getting stuck into his finances?! Looooool

My replacement likes to have an opinion like you about that’s is fair or not. He spends 1/5 of his earnings on maintenance. Assuming they pay the same for rent and food etc he should still have disposable income of around £1000 per month. Still he refuses to pay extra for trips etc. and is adamant all that should be covered by the maintenance.

You’re making comments about her spending on non essentials like haircuts and petrol?! Are you for real?! There are too many women on here who have exes that would prefer them to walk around in sackcloth and sees maintenance and extras as a mean of controlling their ex’s finances. You are on very shaky ground here.