STBEH being difficult about Payment for extracurricular

[DaveTheDog]

I’m having a disagreement with my STBEH about his contributions for our child’s extracurricular activities.

Id be interested to know from single parents of secondary school age children. What do you spend each month / term on extra-curricular activities and what are they?

Just curious as to what is ‘normal’ ?

Our child does Saturday music school / band, piano once a week and science lessons.

He currently pays £150 on top of £350 a month child maintenance and this just isn’t enough. So £500 a month for one child for everything. He wants to cap this. I live in London.

He moved out and is paying rent and I’m currently making the mortgage payments (but the house is in both names).

You'll have to cut back. It's that simple.

Focus on your child....
Nah. Is your child y11? So nearly 16?

I truly believe teenagers need time, but honestly, you could work more.

We all want wonderful things for our children- very few of us can afford it all though.

You cant have it both ways, your family has separated unfortunately things need to change. You do not automatically have the right to say in FMH until your child is 18. You can not expect your ex to pay what you are asking if you are refusing to increase your working hours and increase your salary, it's not just his responsibility to provide for your child. If you push your ex too hard he may end up going down the cms route and you could end up with much less.

Yes your boyfriend's ex is being ridiculous. Reverses are so boring.

In the absence of ill health you will be expected to maximise your earnings and your ex will only be expected to pay cms limit.

I call reverse.

Yes - busted!

Apologies for misleading you good people, but I needed to write a post for my DP to read, as he’s receiving some pretty jaw-dropping communications from his STBEW - who he is taking to court soon.

She’s attempting to convince him he’s being mean to his DD and Keeps banging on about me like I’m some kind of money-grabbing harpy with siren-singing properties.

There are more details I could have added, but the situation is so preposterous that I think the responses here are sufficient for him to see how unreasonable she’s being.

For the record: he didn’t cheat. They had separated long before we met. A supposedly ‘amicable’ separation degenerated the moment he met someone else serious and began the divorce.

She owns one other property herself outright overseas and they own another property jointly overseas (which he has said she can keep). She’s also wanting 60% of the FMH in addition or possibly refusing to sell it and stay there - it is a 3 bed with one lodger.

Meanwhile he’s paying a London rent in a one bed and sleeping in the living room so DD has her own room when she stays there.

Oh and I was incorrect on the income - she earns closer to 30K for 10 days work a month as cabin crew.

I’m divorced myself and understand this process. It needs to be fair and the needs of the child/ren met and then the adults. She can’t ‘ruin’ him, the court won’t do that.

Needs to go to court - but I suspect she’s trying to settle out if court now and/or avoiding disclosure. Meanwhile upping the pressure sending guilt-ridden communications about their DD’s needs and his ‘meanness’ and lack of provision as a father and support for her as a mother.

As a single mum myself, scraping through, her attitude is beyond appalling. He’s a kind generous man, paying well above the CMS figure.

Again - apologies - and thank you for clearing this up. Very helpful. Thank you. x

@FrockFrockFrockityFrock @JemimaPuddleCat @ColumbaPalumbus

👍

Thank you x

As for the main subject of this post - she signs their DD up for activities without asking him if it’s a good idea and then expects him to pay out of a bottomless pit of money. If he questions it she tells him he’s mean / not providing / narrowing DD’s opportunities and that I’m wanting the money for our social life.

The Saturday music school is particularly tricky as it cuts into the time he spends with his DD at weekends and means they can’t do anything else that day. Her school day starts very early (long journey so up at 6.30) and Saturdays she’s up at 7.30 to be at music school for 8.30. Never mind the money - the poor kid is exhausted!

My eldest is 17 and so I know how much work the GCSEs are - she will be needling time at weekends to study for the other subjects or just to relax. But NO - DP’s Ex disagrees with this and calls him mean...

DP’s DD is 13 - year 9.

I know I’ve been naughty misleading you all with this reverse - but any further responses given the additional info above would be really helpful.

Once again - thank you all x

I don’t have a lot of time for RP tbh but I will reply on the Saturday music school.

It isn’t about her dad and the time it takes away from him. It’s about the child and what she wants to do. If the mum is forcing it it’s not right, but if the child loves it (and it is affordable) then it’s absolutely right even if it cuts into time with her dad.

She is a teen not a toddler and her wishes need to be taken into account.

Yes - we know all about ‘her wishes’

Heavily influenced

But thank you for the point x

Glad to hear it's a reverse. And if I see a tone whingeing about how men get treated so much more harshly on here than women, I will point them to this thread as an example of how a woman got her arse handed to her when she was being unreasonable. I hope your DP gets a just outcome in court.

Have you asked DD how she feels about the lessons?
The mum NEEDS the dad to have the DD so she can work, so I'd tell him to up the hours and go 50/50 , he can then cut the maintenance and instead agree to pay the DD money for lessons , she wants to take.

Is dad able to talk to the daughter without her mum there? After all if she is not enjoying it she should eventually say something...

Does she love the music? Is she doing music GCSE? Practicing regularly outside the Saturday thing? Going for grade 8? Or just going along for the thing to do? This will tell you whether it is her or her mum. If she practices regularly, it could be a big part of her future...
Dad needs to take the lead on discussing what she loves. Not asking if she loves the music thing but what she loves most. The first few answers should be telling. It is highly unlikely that her answers are that heavily influenced unless she is the worlds first teen without an opinion of her own. But it is way too easy when you hear your child open their mouth and ex partners voice come out to get upset. Rise above it. It may not be what you want to hear but she still is entitled to think it. You can't legislate against stupid...
Is there any way she can start earning a bit of money herself? I know most paper rounds have gone now but I know a number of 13-16 yos who have part time weekend jobs.
My daughter was doing music lessons before we split but it was one of the things she didn't mention as something she loved most. Horse riding was. We found a deal. She has to work hard for her love but does it with a smile on her face she doesn't have at school and is now discussing apprenticeships with the manager for when she leaves school so it is an amazing way forward.
If she loves music but it isn't affordable, then are there ways around it? Where we are, if you have low income there are grants available for music students taking music lessons and its even free for a first instrument if you are taking GCSE music at school. Encourage daughter to look in to that on the basis of how she can find a way around her wish to do this but not upset anything else. Is she good enough to join a band / play in public?

If of course daughter says what I love most is chilling with my friends, which as a teen may well be the case, then you have your answer too. If he says she loves chilling with mates but hates time with dad, because it is too far from her friends, he may have to look at that and be the bigger person. Either drop her at a friends or have friends around. After all mum's coercive control is unlikely to be just on music lessons.

Meanwhile both partners need to get their financial statements together. If there are three properties (the overseas one she owns, the joint overseas one and the family home) then they all come in to the mix as assets. She can keep some and may get 60% of total assets but not 60% of FHM plus both other properties - that probably comes to 90+% of total assets and no court will order it. Been there. Had the ex trying to tell me that since DS18 doesn't want to stay all I need is a 1 bed flat in the roughest part of town despite the fact that DD was kicking off about my rental being too far from friends.Agreed on a 2 bed near school being minimum then DS decided he did want to stay anyway and I was unreasonable...

It is always difficult for both parties after divorce. Everyone is used to a standard of living they can no longer have. If she is cabin crew maybe there's a bit of a stereotype that goes with that that may be showing out here. Who knows. When everyone else seems to have a husband and can afford stuff and you can't that's hard. But it is her problem not his. He needs to stand up to the reality of what the budget will allow.

Jesus, I get far less maintenance than that for my daughter and her father has her 4 nights a month if he sticks to agreed contact but often less. She also does a lot of extra curricular activities as she is a very talented singer/dancer and will probably follow this route post GCSEs. I pay for these and get nothing on top of her maintenance for them. He earns more than £45k as well and I earn a lot less than £30k but work full time/term time. She's only just started secondary so I'm not comfortable with her being alone during holidays while I work and too old for childcare during holidays.

She also had a beloved pony which her father promised to pay half towards upkeep when he left me. He has gradually backed out of this over the last couple of years which has resulted in me having to sell the pony as I just couldn't make it work on my salary alone.

Thank you for helpful replies x

@Otter71 I think that’s particularly good advice about a loose / open-ended chat about the stuff she likes to do, rather than approaching it as ‘a disagreement’.

I'd pay the cms payment. Talk to dd about how dad is struggling a bit with payments and having money left to treat dd. Ask her which of her extra curricular things she enjoys and gets something out of. Unless she's taking music as a subject or actively wants to play music all her life she could stop for a while, it'd free up time to see dad and some cash. And I'd pay half for anything dd really wants

Glad this turned out to be a reverse because I was about to write a lengthy dressing down.

So how much are the activities? You should also be contributing half, so how much is the shortfall from £300. How often does he have the child overnight? Do you also work? You are expected to also be providing for the child- it's not his responsibility to do so soley. You can ask, but child support is supposed to cover everything- so if it doesn't, then you will need to cut back either your own spendings. Or activities accordingly.

@Glosstwit Hee Hee - would still like to read that actually! 👍

SD1978 RTFT!!

What a waste of time reading that.

Ex-H pays maintenance. On top of that he pays 50% of extra-curricular, uniform and school travel.

All extra-curricular activities were either in place before the split or signed up for with BOTH parties in agreement.

It is very unreasonable for one party to make commitments then expect the other to contribute without consultation.