STBEH being difficult about Payment for extracurricular

[DaveTheDog]

I’m having a disagreement with my STBEH about his contributions for our child’s extracurricular activities.

Id be interested to know from single parents of secondary school age children. What do you spend each month / term on extra-curricular activities and what are they?

Just curious as to what is ‘normal’ ?

Our child does Saturday music school / band, piano once a week and science lessons.

He currently pays £150 on top of £350 a month child maintenance and this just isn’t enough. So £500 a month for one child for everything. He wants to cap this. I live in London.

I think if you have a child of GCSE age you should be working full time. £300 for extras, you’re having a laugh.
You might get a shock if you challenge this especially as he has him 10 nights a month.
Learn to live within your means.

She is BU. Was your friend paying for these before the split? I am guessing the science classes are more of a short term thing to get through exams so maybe I would have a bit of rethink about whether I could afford to contribute more to these. Ultimately this isn’t a battle between your friend and his ex wife, even though it feels that way, it’s about what benefits the child.

Just seen it’s a reverse!!
He needs to learn the word NO.
If the DD wants to start a new hobby it needs discussed before booking it.
She owns property abroad, has a lodger, works, she could try selling a property. She sounds very much like my DPs exW, a million pounds wouldn’t be enough, she even told him to change jobs so she can get more money!!

@DaveTheDog nice try but polishing it off with the details about overseas properties and what not is a giant kick in the teeth to those on here who are genuinely struggling to make ends meet, let alone pay for ponies and private tuition.

You're lucky he pays anything towards extra curricular activities- all I get is minimum cms from ex. DD does an expensive sport which I have to pay for,

@Meeeh
Yes - it’s appalling
I agree 100%

I’m a single Mum myself living with less maintenance for two children and nothing towards extra curricular activities.

This thread was a reverse to show my DP how the ‘real’ world is... X

THIS WAS A REVERSE POST

Advice please still though:

My DP wants to provide for his daughter as best he can. He’s that kind of person. Generous and caring. £500 maintenance a month with various other things on top (other school trips, pocket money, phone, bits of clothing, money into a trust fund etc). He’s basically got nothing left to live on himself.

In my opinion his Ex has totally taken advantage of his generous nature and guilt-shames him. She wants all his ‘spare’ money (and some) spent on their Daughter. I think she’s using their child (who is more than adequately provided for) in order to ‘ruin’ his time with me. She would rather he went nowhere and sat at home alone it seems.

Explain how this situation works when an unreasonable Ex is criticising him constantly for going out to gigs, meals etc and spending petrol money visiting me.

How will the court view this?

He will he reading this.

Thank you x

Yes @JKScot4 she had the cheek to tell him to ‘get a proper job’ (ie: earn more) because he is freelance. But the very fact that he is freelance means he’s available flexibly to look after their Daughter when she’s working.

He doesn’t need to earn more or to change to being employed. His Ex needs to accept living within her means and/or to earn more herself while DD is at school.

When I became a single Mum a number of things happened:

I had to get a different job with more hours
I had to apply for Tax Credits
I spent less on myself and bought more stuff from charity shops / eBay
I had to work harder balancing the books
I had to live within my means
I had to sell possessions sometimes to afford extra things like going out, holidays and Christmas
I had to explain to my kids that we couldn’t do things or buy things (which is actually not a bad life lesson)

That’s what happens when you divorce. Doesn’t matter whose ‘fault’ it is. It’s a situation you have to face up to.

My opinion is that you need to wind your neck in, it's up to him to choose how much he wants to provide for his daughter

This isn't really anything to do with you, is it?

I separated a few years ago and my children's standard of living didn't drop at all. Both of us prioritized our kids over ourselves. At one point I had a tenner a month disposable income. Guess what? I didn't go to gigs or spend it on new lovers.

When they were together, how did they use their money? If it was mostly spent on their child with only a bit left over for going out themselves, then that is quite possibly how they will choose to continue spending their money.

The affair partner/new lover might not have been expecting that, but it's not really any of their concern.

At age 13/14 there's only a few more years to go anyway. Extra tuition sounds like a good long term investment to me.

Maybe, DaveTheDog, you should have expected a bit more from your own ex ....Sounds like you might be a bit jealous ...

@youknowitmakessensedunnit @Tulipsn

Have you both read the ENTIRE thread?!

It’s absolutely everything to do with me when I can clearly see that she’s holding all assets - three properties - and receiving well above the normal range of maintenance and still asking for more.

It’s unfair.

The vast majority of posters can see that - if you read back.

yep I've read the whole thread, If I was your partner(and I am a dad) I'd be telling you to mind your own business.

And maybe @Tulipan your finances were different...

I’ve explained in this thread what the finances are. It’s not balanced currently and needs to go to court.

@youknowitmakessensedunnit

Charming!

I can clearly see that she’s holding all assets - three properties

Assets like this don’t count towards maintenance though do they? I.e if your husband held them, he wouldn’t have to pay maintenance on their value therefore it’s only correct that has no bearing on the maintenance your husband currently pays.

By all means go through CMS but I do think decent NRPs pay in addition half any jointly agreed costs. Obviously a discussion needs to be had about not signing up his daughter for classes without his consent, however that has to come from him and not you.

It still has precisely nothing to do with you

I still think you are just jealous she is better at negotiating than you. Plus of course ... it means less money spent on you, apparently, if the reverse part of your reverse thread is accurate.

Leave them to get on with things between themselves

Right do nothing to do with me that I’m watching my DP being shafted? Really?

Yup

He's spending money on his child's education and rounded education. Up to the parents what they spend their money on. A lot of people in non-divorced families spend pretty much all their disposable income on their children rather than themselves. It's fairly common

He isn't being "shafted", he's doing what he thinks is best for his daughter. You may disagree and you obviously have a right to express your opinion, but in the end it is his decision to make.

At this point I'd say you're overplaying your hand here, and I'd just like to say additionally we also only have your side of the story.

Anyway I'm done here, have a nice day

Here’s a direct quote from my DP about the current situation regarding extracurricular activities (who has just read this thread):

“The fact is I paying all I can. I don’t HAVE any more. I’m actually overdrawn more and more each month because of it.”

It's not your battle to fight OP. Why you did a reverse post baffles me.