Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

Itsmeandimscared

You are falling apart because of all you carry....alone.

You must be doing such a wonderful job with your children, take that win, be proud.
Your family can do something....listen! Unload on them they would do it in an instant if they had to.
This is that numbness stage I spoke of. You feel that your standing in the middle of life with all the shit whizzing around your head, and you get do anything, just stand there and watch. It will pass. Get on to your doctor, get help, they can get you counselling, what about your church?

It’s important that Guard your mental health. If you don’t you won’t be any good to yourself or your kids. Remember what happened to me.
PLEASE find the time and courage to put yourself first. I know how easy it is to put a face on, shut the front door and hide. It doesn’t help.

I’m sending you love and strength and a massive hug xx

Thank you all, but of course esp. to @Tiddleypops who has the weight her own health problems but like you all here still takes time out to offer support to others on here Sorry I was just having a rant - it sounds pretty self indulgent. Yes nothing I can do until all these results are in. Oh and no I don't really have family as such - I've got an older cousin who is unwell herself but provides emotional support, and another relative who lives 250 miles away but again, offers emotional support. I have a couple of good friends who whilst they can't help practically, listen to me moaning all the time!

Its the not being able to plan that affects your mind I think. I'm sure we've talked about that on here before, you think and hope x y and z will happen and then B happens. Then nothing. It feels chaotic, like being on a very fast roller coaster - we ALL want to get off!

BTW - both my DDs are urging me to get on with it (they don't know about much about my health issues - mum is just "unwell") - DD2 actually said to me this weekend "but don't forget about how he was; you need to do something soon" - this was in response to my saying had she noticed her dad had been a bit calmer since I'd been ill.

I wonder if some of you have looked through this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3772360-Support-thread-trapped-in-an-unhappy-relationship-and-can-t-leave-can-t-leave-yet

Its a very noisy thread, like a lot of desperate people shouting all at once, I find it sad and shocking how many are in the same situation as us. But I'm happier moaning over here!

I haven’t looked and I don’t want to, I’m know there are many people in the same situation. I have learned that it’s up to yourself to ensure your safety, security and happiness. You alone.
Many people can help and assist you on your path, but still.

I’m alone this year and finding it devastating that I can’t contact my daughter. I thought we would be on our way to building bridges. But no.
I’m doubting myself and my decisions, altho I know I had no other choice.....but the psych ward.
Life is tough. Each day is something to be grateful for even if it means a new fight xx

Just popping in with some good news. My absolute is through. 🙂

Hope you all have had a reasonable weekend. Thinking of you all 🤗🤗🤗

Hurray!!!! We needed some good news @RoseMartha - what a relief!

Oh @RoseMartha. Thank you for sharing your news. I'm so relieved you got there. To the future xx

@DishingOutDone I had a quick look. It is so so sad. I'm grateful I'm on my way out! I like our little thread though, I sometimes find those noisy threads draw me in and I feel worse.

I'm finding things tough at the moment. I feel on the verge of tears a lot of the time, and yet if I find some time to myself, I cannot actually cry. I mean WTF is that all about? On the whole I KNOW I'm doing OK considering how things are, but it's constantly hard work. I remember when I used to just get up and go to work and come home again and that's about all I had to think about!

Good luck for half term everyone, if it is relevant with DC etc.

I'm having a couple of days away with DS and very much looking forward to it. Although I know it's not nearly long enough. Perhaps my mind will get a bit of a rest though.

aw I hope that is a nice break @Tiddleypops

As for the days when you just got up and went to work, bloody hell, that seems like a VERY long time ago!! Were we really like that once?

Rose Martha.
Yippee! And thanks for sharing, cheered me up!😁

Tiddleypops
Lovely few days away and time to recharge....enjoy. You deserve it 😘

DishingOutDone:
Couldn’t look at other thread, too much to take on.
How long til your results?
I hope that it won’t impact the half term, it would be nice for you to have the time without extra worries 🤞🏻

Been finding it a bit hard everything grinding to a halt AGAIN.

On Thursday it will be a year since I signed my divorce application, I’m seeing the solicitor on Thursday also, an omen?
Well, if not, I’m just walking away from the house and everything.

she has had a year to do SOMETHING and no.

I don’t know why I’m paying her, really!
She will have to deal with captain chaos and his solicitor to finalise the financials without me, I’ve just had enough.

Anyway, so glad to hear that there is good news around! 😉
Love and hugs ladies x

Thank you all.

@Tiddleypops have a great break 🤗

@user1486131602 sending a 🤗 so frustrating for you.

@DishingOutDone thinking of you. 🤗🤗

I still dont feel like it is over because we still need to implement the financial order. It is getting there of course as there are various bits within it but I think until we have moved it will not feel over.

Also ex is still being difficult 🙄

Completely understand @RoseMartha. There is still so much to do and of course you will always have the DC in common. There is no real definitive moment where everything is done is there? But hopefully you are removing your claws in your life one by one and moving towards a better life. I think a gradual feeling of freedom may creep up on us x

Hi all, I hope everyone found half term ok?

@RoseMartha, I'm so glad you've reached that milestone, hopefully it feels like a step towards freedom!

@Tiddleypops, how was your time away with DS? I hope you got some peace and quality time with him.

@user1486131602, that sounds so frustrating. I hope sol appointment goes ok- and she doesn't cancel on you!!

@DishingOutDone, hope you get some news soon. That is good in a way that your DD is reminding you of H's behaviour. I hope that will give you the strength when you're ready to push on with things.

@Itistimeandiamscared, hope you're doing ok. Definitely get some support if you can, I can't tell you how much my counsellor helped me keep going. My sessions have officially finished but I'm going to continue to see her as and when to help me through the next few months.

I had a week, supposedly away from H, with DCs and most of it was lovely except for H messing about on his contact days- like several hours late each time.

His contract is coming to an end and drinking is worse again and I am dreading him being around more. He is a mess and if I'm not careful I will be too.

I'm so glad to have this support thread. I took a brief look at that other one, DOD, and came straight out again! Crikey!

Congratulations!!! @RoseMartha!! Wow,! That is great news...

Hi @Tiddleypops, really good that you had a little time away... How was it?

Hi, @user1486131602, how did the meeting with the solicitors go?

Hi @Tiedupwithstrings, really good to hear you also for some time away with the kids. I was a bit surprised when you talked of contact days... Is your H now out of the home? I thought you both still lived in the same house... Sorry, if I missed something.
It can be frustrating when temhey are being difficult or behaving in a way that feels like you are being dragged back (very much against your will) into that pit of messiness - messy swirling confusing thoughts, messy hurtful debilitating emotions, messy kind of stress.... Sending you

@DishingOutDone, hi. I have not looked at that thread but maybe soon.

I feel encouraged to hear about @RoseMartha's Absolute and I am so happy for you @RoseMartha. I feel like it is very positive.

I am just exhausted. I really should start the financials. A few days ago I received a bill from solicitors, so trying to pay that off and it has brought home to me that I need to have some money shored up to pay them after Absolute is complete.
I feel very stressed and pulled. And little stuff he is doing badmouthing me to the kids or in their hearing is weighing me down. It should not but it does and I need to overcome that.. Fast.

Half term is over... I hope we all have a good next few weeks.

@Itistimeandiamscared, I'm sorry to hear your H is saying nasty things about you. It says more about him but it's hard when it's infront of the kids. I know that feeling and try to remember that in the long run they'll know who is there for them.

Sorry to be confusing about contact. You're right he is still at home, but I booked a week away and offered for him to see them a couple of days. Not sure I should have bothered but was thinking the kids might miss him. Tbh they didn't ask after him at all when he was away for a week over Xmas...

Hi, everyone.
Having a bit of a rough time. I have been pretty low for sometime and it has been really bad. I am trying to keep pushing. I have not yet been able to get a therapist but I am getting on to the relate website everyday and online chatting with a counselor.

This depression phase was triggered by a few things and recently I have been having massive anxiety in addition. I have been pretty much focusing on functioning as a mum and functioning for work.
That has been taking up a lot of my strength, my focus, my capacity for every day life. My capabilities outside being a mum and work has been negligible... I struggle to call my poorly DM or my elderly DF who is her carer. Like the simplest things have been too difficult.
I have not been this low for a long time.

Outwardly, I am smiling, laughing a lot, cheerful, chatty and appear very organised and with it.
I am like this at work and with the kids.
But on the inside, I scrambling like mad trying not to drown, I am wailing and feel lost. Completely lost and empty.

I just want to run something by you all (one of the triggers) because I feel a bit stupid and maybe I am wondering if I am just using any reason to feel low.
Please bear with me, this may be long.

In my previous home, I had good friends on the street I lived. We met through our DC school 6yrs ago. All our DC became friends and are constantly between all our homes. Mostly mine.. as I love the cooking, feeding them, organising activities and games for them etc. All the kids do their homework at mine etc. We are three mums (myself, A & B).
One of the mums (B) has a couple of really close friends (they don't have DC) and through socialising together we became a group of 5. We always have good fun together, meet up quite regularly and go on weekend trips together. No fights, no gossip.

I was initially closer to one of the mums (A) and we got very close. I used to confide in her about my marital problems and STBXH behaviour and how I was scared of him. I have gone to hers a few times to stay and wait out his episodes. With time, I got the impression that she (A) never really seemed to actually connect with what I was saying. Her response was always non-chalant and sometimes she would say 'no matter what is happening, I would never leave DH. I would stay because of my DC'.
I stopped confiding in her and never confided in anyone after that.

With my marriage break up, I had full support from the others in our group. 'A' was just absent. The others called to check in on me and the kids, helped us out when we became reliant on food bank, spent evenings hugging and crying with me.

'A' never called or visited. If she wanted her DC picking from school or after school club or wanted me to have them during school holidays because she was working, I would get a loving text which ends with her making a request. Only when she wanted something, she will text me.
On boxing day, she (A) lost her mum. I was there for her. Checking in on her, visiting her, taking down food, having her DC with me over the weekends, sometimes overnight during the schoolweek.

I found out that she was passing information to STBXH.

But I still supported her and was there for her. When we had to move, other friends turned up to help but not 'A'.

As soon as we moved, she told a few people, 'how I moved so suddenly' 'what's the rush' 'that I was not happy there, I am only going to go and be miserable elsewhere'. She was happy to ask people 'what sort of woman leaves her marriage?'

Anyway, I found out that she took her DC to STBXH's to play with my DC while they were at STBXH's for the weekend.

This really hit me hard. I feel betrayed. And I was already suffering quite bad depression when I found out about this. Am I being silly?
All other friends of mine from our former home/village have contacted me and arranged for the DC to meet up. None of my friends have contacted STBXH even though they all live in the same town. I have moved away.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy the DC got to meet up and play but I am feeling pretty hurt.
Am I being unreasonable?

When STBXH left us, she never called or visited to check on the kids and I. Since we moved, she still has not been in touch. (I have called her, texted her etc) but others have called and have even come and visited us a few times.

@Tiedupwithstrings, I understand now.. re:contact
Thank you.

If you got to the end of my long post.. Thank you, everyone.

@Itistime - think its only me and you up! Didn't want to read and run but wanted to reassure you that A is a 100% dyed in the wool bitch. She's kicking you when you are down, literally. We all make mistakes trusting people from time to time, thinking they are friends - but its definitely not you, its her. She's the lowest of the low. Please don't give her any more of your time or headspace. Easier said than done I know.

Apart from that group of mums do you have any other support in RL? Other family? (sounds like your parents are too elderly or infirm to do much more than sympathise)

I think that being a mum and working is more than enough for the time being - would a couple of weeks off be possible/help you get through this patch? And keep using any counselling you can, online or telephone is fine. Keep reaching out, but not in A Bitch's direction.

for you.

Thank you @DishingOutDone. Thank you very much.
Because I am quite depressed... wasn't sure if it was something else my brain was latching on as an excuse to feel low about.
Yes, I feel really hurt by her. I felt abandoned when she didn't bother to even call me and say 'hey, how are you?'. That hurt like crazy.
If I did get a message it was 'Hey, honey. How are you? I have been meaning to check on you. Are you working tomorrow? Can you have the kids tomorrow? I will drop off at 7am..happy to pick at 8pm or they can have a sleepover. Whichever works best for you'. And I would not hear anything at all from her till she wanted another favour.
Then I found out she was passing information on to STBXH. The first time, I was too numb to react. The second time, she had lost her mum (in August.. not boxing day) and though I was no longer as numb, I could not ask her about it. She was in bits about her mum.
And now, she is taking her DC to STBXH's to meet up with my DC. I felt faint when I heard it but kind of not really surprised. If that makes sense.

I really need time off work. I know it. But I can't ask. I start at a new site on Monday and in a role with more responsibilities. I also feel ashamed to let them know I am mentally struggling and barely hanging in there. It is seen as a weakness and you are kind of subtly humiliated and considered unreliable and not quite up to scratch as your colleagues. I feel a deep shame. I will go there on Monday and see what the working environment is like. I know I need time off. Time to quiet my mind. My kind is like a pressure cooker, filled with anxiety, swirling thoughts... thoughts of failure and inadequacy. I feel a kind of hopelessness about the future.

I have RL support and my friends have been great. They really have.
My DF is lovely and full of encouraging support.
But the mess that is my mind at the moment, i can only tell a couple of friends and they get it. And they listen. And they have told me to get time off work ASAP.

Thanks @DishingOutDone, for saying some encouraging words and for helping me get back some clarity regarding this 'friend'.

@Itistimeandiamscared, oh love 💗
This 'friend' is not a friend, it is not your mind. She is completely in the wrong here. Detach, detach, detach. She is not worthy of you, and you can rise above. Just disengage quietly x x x she obviously speaks to exH. My guess is that she has been fed a load of lies.
I'm relieved to hear that your other friends have been wonderful. Lean on them, they would want you too.
I hope you can see a therapist in RL. I don't think there is a substitute for face to face talking. Meanwhile keep on with the online things.

I wish I could offer some wise words if advice to help, I feel like I've been where you are, and it's taken a long time to slowly get out. Sometimes I slip back. I don't know what the answer is, reaching out, telling people, therapy, taking on only today. Accepting that for now all I can do is work and parent and the rest has to wait. Some days spending a few minutes in prayer and/or meditation to bring me to the present (I am not religious, but it does help to get my thoughts out of my head). For me, Al-anon was a lifeline. I think you mentioned a domestic abuse support group before, perhaps you could go there again?

Thank you @Tiddleypops, thank you.
Yes, I have reached out to my support group. They are lovely. It seems though the more I am reaching out, the future I am sinking. Curre sat in an Uber heading to work... Because I couldn't just get up to face the day.. So running late if I were to use PT. I am crying... Poor uber driver... and I have messages coming in from work. We are seriously short-staffed today and upstairs team want me to come help them.. Downstairs team want me to stay with them. And it is things like this that make me feel even worse about taking time off work. For the next 5 days I am working 8 - 10pm...talking to people,

Also, I get it. The work and parenting thing. My job is demanding. I could do with a couple of weeks off to stare at the wall, but in reality it's not practical. I'd just spend the next two weeks having to do twice as much work.
I try to treat work time as time off the other stuff, if that makes sense. I let it absorb me.
I'm trying to listen to DS more. If I can do no more, feed him beige food from the freezer every day, whatever. As long as I'm listening to him.