Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

Hello everyone,
Hope you’re all doing well.
I need a handhold today as captain chaos has submitted his forms to court for the financial hearing this week.

They are full of lies, wrong dates and fraud claims! WTF!
I am so emotionally drained, feeling super fragile.
Some of you will remember his games from summer 2019, I feel myself
Teetering on the edge again.

As well as this my daughter has admitted that he is renting somewhere in the same town I live in and she will move in shortly.

She can’t forgive me for the things I said whilst Ill but does want to talk to me and have a nice relationship with me. I feel devastated, we were so close, his antics caused so much hurt, now he’s Disney dad and I’m a pariah!
I don’t care about the things we need to separate. I only ever wanted my kids. How am I supposed to live with him running around telling everyone he has won.
Sorry, pity party for one. When will this be over?

@user1486131602 I'm so sorry, you have come so far and still have this arsehole in your life and affecting the relationship with your daughter. I dont have anything helpful to add but I am holding your hand very tight.

Thanks DishingOutDone! It helps to know I’m not on my own

Hows things for you ?

Hello.
How is everyone? it has been a while.

Itsmeandimscared

How are you?
Things here are changing, 2 nd financial hearing next month, judge told STBXH to produce his medical records, so hopefully captain chaos will see that 8n fact that’s where the debts come from! Who knows.
He has rented a house in the same town as me and he and DD are moving in shortly. He has extracted promises from both kids to bot tell me where it is or when they are moving in! Really mature!

Anyway, looks like the house will be sold, have no idea what will happen as not sure what the award will be.

I’m just trying to riding the waves at the mo! My mental health isn’t too good but nothing is as bad as being with him.
Both me and the sloth are well, bored and healthy and grateful to say that. Said sloth has passed uni exam for this yr, and is likely to pass next yrs for a 1:1 degree ! Not bad for something that only gets outta bed to eat, game, sleep repeat! I’m so grateful for him being at home with me, I’m so lucky. Many aren’t.

Anyway enough about me, I hope you had a nice Easter, that your kids are finally getting back to school and you are healthy also!
Until next time. Love and hugs x

@user1486131602, so nice to hear from you.
I am so sorry about your mental health.. with what is happening, it is no surprise your mental health has taken a toll.
So glad you have your DS with you. He is doing well!! 🎉 You must be so proud of him.
Are both kids moving in with him?
I really hope things work out for you. You have been through enough as it is.

I am ashamed to say that I still haven't filled my form E. I have started to fill it a few times but it seems like an insurmountable problem - I loathe paperwork (I do sooooo much of it at work) and there is so much paperwork with this and especially with the difficulties I am having trying to get a pension statement from my employers. I am definitely sure that I am not the first person to request a pension statement in that hospital but no-one seems to know what needs to be done. It blows my mind and I am very frustrated.
Or it could just be laziness. Oh dear! 😩😞😩😞😢
DC are still on Easter holidays. But are doing well. Work is very full on and stressful. I am barely hanging on.
Life is just so exhausting.

I wonder how everyone else is doing. Lockdown has been a trying time.

Itsmeandimscared:

Sorry that I haven’t answered, had a real downer, had to go back to the MH team, useless tho really, they just told me to do this and that, myself! So much for support, anyway I’m just trying to get on with things!
No, just my daughter has moved in with him. My son is staying with me.
2nd financial hearing moved to June 26th....lucky me 4 more weeks to wait to find out what crap he’s saying this time!

With all you have to do I’m Not surprised that form E doesn’t seem that important! So long as you can manage financially take as much time as you need. If the hospital can’t sort a pension statement for you, go to HMRC ask them for one, your pension is an in service benefit, so they should know!
I really hope that easing of lockdown will mean better days for you at work, but with the scenes of stupidity on tv, I’m not so sure, just be dealing with drunks with covid next! 😮🙄
Please try to take time to look after you as well, I know it hard and feels selfish but you must.

Life is exhausting, and I’m am still so tired of the whole thing, but I truly believe that things will change and turn out for the better. For you too.

Until next time .......

@user1486131602, so good to hear from you. You do sound like you have been through it but you don't sound resigned. That's good. You sound like you still have some fight.
Do you still get to see and speak with your DD?
Hope the 2nd financial hearing works out for you. Please, keep us updated.

I am mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. Don't know why though. Since Friday night I have had 15 - 16hrs night sleep as well as sleeping through most of Sunday. On Monday, I got up went to work (short day shift) came back home and went back straight to bed. I am not sick or anything. Just bone tired.

Right now, I am currently sat up and trying to get the last few bits of Form E done.
I am drained. Things have not eased up for me.... only ramped up. A lot of it is to do with work and all the compulsory stuff I need to do for work to prove my competencies. It is just paperwork upon paperwork.

And for some reason, I have not managed to regain my balance in terms of handling life and it's curveballs. Everything is piling up. Divorce paperwork, work paperwork, work-college paperwork... I am finding it overwhelming. Anti-depressants haven't helped per se in that area. But it has helped in terms of I no longer just lie in bed and don't want to get up, it has helped with the continuous crying, helplessness and inability to cope.

It would be the first anniversary of my Mum's death in a few days. Such a stressful time. Moreso, because my siblings (and I, if I am honest) want to mark it in some way.

On a very positive note, DC are thriving, they are happy.
My DF seems to be coping with my DM's passing.
I am also getting a car soon (fingers crossed).
We are all in good health.
I still have a job and seem to be doing well at work
.
When would I get back to normal?

A big hello to @Tiddleypops, @RoseMartha, @DishingOutDone, @Tiedupwithstrings, @ValleysGirl72, @Somefantasticplace.
How are you all?
Hope life is not being too harsh? Hope you are all making new and happy strides.

@Itistimeandiamscared and @user1486131602

Sorry to hear that things have not progressed as fast as you hoped.
Sending you 🤗🤗🤗🤗 for your struggles.

Things not great for me drowning under the pressure of elderly ill parents, working part time, abusive ex and one dc has lots of issues some of which stemmed from exh some for reasons to do with SN. Some to do with other issues not related to family life at all and some because of age. Therapist etc involved.

I had some counselling which was helpful but could only have ten sessions but eligible for ten more in September.

My exh is still being abusive. The counselling helped me understand it is going to take me time to unpick myself from his web. I am also reading a book called Steps to Freedom.

Settled into the flat but I miss having a garden and being able to step out the front door to put rubbish in the bin. Carting shopping upstairs isnt great either. But I sometimes get a delivery.

The dc although initially liked the flat think we live in a 'shit hole'. And tell me that regularly. They want to live in a house again. It is an ex council flat so mixed housing area as some are bought and some are still council. With owner occupier homes on one side. But it is not the roughest part of town by any means.

There is nothing wrong with the flat, its warmer than the house was and in a good condition. Needs a few bits done but nothing major. Our neighbours were noisier when we were in the house. And the floor space in the flat is not a lot smaller.

It is upsetting that I did and do my best for them and they dont think that it is enough.

Hello all. Sorry to hear that people who've been on this thread for ages are still struggling with form E stuff but I am in awe of your determination to get this done.

I'm finally getting my operation next month. I've been very unwell in the run up to it, and like it not, dependent on H. Also developed hypertension. Fresh hell etc.

Youngest DD's mental health issues continue with no sign of any respite for her - she has medication and therapy but so far, nothing works. Its awful, its all consuming, and so I concentrate on that and the operation. My constant worry is time and cash - I'll be 60 soon, H is 65, we have so little equity in the house and at least youngest DD and the dog needing to be housed. But for the time being I just need to regain some of my health, just praying op is a success and I don't have any relapses. Any chance of a separation is just a pipe dream at the moment. But I look at what you have all coped with and I know there is hope. to you all (have to give up for the foreseeable future!!)

Itsmeandimscared
I fear that this IS the new normal.

I’m 2 yrs down the road and still no real progress!

Good news is.....captain chaos has a new girlfriend! Hopefully that will mean his focus is elsewhere!
Yes, dd and I are still in contact but she is busy working and studying, t8me with boyfriend friends etc, plus she now lives with her dad, so I don’t see her often, but that’s still better than not at all
Condolences for your mums anniversary xx

RoseMartha:
Good to hear from you!
I’m so sorry to hear that even after everything your struggles seem the same. Please stop justifying things to your kids. It’s Time to stand up to them. Explain that you are all in the same situation, they should start to make the shot hole their home, or they can ask their dad to house them!
You at least won the house selling race😂🤪🤣
What a warrior you are!

DishingOutDone
I’m glad to see your reply.
It’s seems we are all struggling, in different ways, to be rid of the ex!
I’m sorry to hear about your dd MH it really has been a difficult time in lockdown.
I wish you well for your op, you must put yourself first this time. Health is wealth!

I am sorry I have not read the full thread.

I am almost four years separated with no end in sight and things are worse than ever.

The dr has prescribed anti depressants (which I don't particularly want to take) tripled the dose of beta blocker, cbt course and counselling. When will this ever get better? Me and my children are not living the life we should be and I see no end in sight.

Not sure what I even want anyone to say just having a moan really

Hello all, name change for me (was somefantasticplace). Things have been moving slowly along for me, although I have my decree nisi so that feels like real progress.

We have finally agreed a 50/50 split of finances but I'm still waiting to see it in writing. The house is up for sale and a soon as it sells I'll look for somewhere to rent to avoid the stress of selling and buying at the same time.

I remember feeling like it would never end and now I'm hopefully getting close so take heart and keep your end goal in sight. and and to everyone. We will all get there in the end.

Just checking in, I've read everyone's updates. Just absorbing it all.
I can't believe how easy it is to get married and how difficult it is to get divorced. Like, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially it takes everything.
And yet I read all your updates and am reminded what absolutely amazing tough women you all are, like genuine warrior level 💪
Keep going, one day at a time. You can do no more than deal with today.

@Itistimeandiamscared I'm really not surprised you don't want to do paperwork on top of paperwork, and that you are exhausted. All you have been through! And yet here you are, keeping going, you are inspiring.
@user1486131602 a difficult time, everything ramping up, but every day is a day closer to freedom. The finish line is there. Thank you for all your wise words. You have a way of putting things that I wish could do!
@RoseMartha teens can be such arseholes!! I'm so sorry you have to deal with that on top of everything else. I already know they will look back at this time and realise all you did for them, and how wonderfully well, but that doesn't help you much now. @user talks a lot of sense, they need telling you are in this together, end of conversation. Easier said than done though. I'm glad you have had some counselling. Make sure you get back to it in September.
@DishingOutDone I have been wondering about your op. I'm happy to hear it will finally happen. It must be excruciating having to rely on H. And I'm so sorry to hear your DD is no better. Sending so many hugs your way. What a difficult time. I really hope things get better after your op and that maybe you can look to the future then.
@clpsmum moan away, that's exactly what this thread is for. We all get it. There's a lot to be said for knowing someone understands. There's not a lot of that in real life.
@Simplelifecoming I'm so so happy to hear about your progress. What you said about feeling it would never end and then finally you start to get there is so true. I hope these last steps go smoothly. I hope you find a buyer quickly.

Things are reasonably good here. I'm swamped and overwhelmed but every day can count my blessings that I no longer have that man in my home.
DS is doing well. I thought I was doing a good job of protecting him from all of this, but actually, now things are better, now I am better, so is he. He's gained so much confidence at school.

ExH lives in chaos. I hate having to deal with him with regard to DS but I get better at it, gradually. It will take a long time I think, until I'm OK. But it's infinitely easier to be kind to myself and slowly recover, now I'm free. Keep going. You will get there.

@clpsmum I remember you from thread 2! So what is the latest? If I recall you were keeping the house, did that happen and has your divorce been finalised? I take it he is still being a complete bastard - is it about the kids still?

Hi, everyone.
So good to hear from you all.

@user1486131602, I am glad you still get to see DD. Little steps...

@DishingOutDone, it's great that your surgery is upcoming...great news. I am so that it seems you are stuck in your marriage. One thing at a time. Your surgery and your DD are your priority now. I know it is stressful for you, hoping you have the strength to continue to push through until a good solution becomes clear.

@RoseMartha, so sorry to hear about your parents...i find myself thinking about you from time to time, wondering how they are doing and how you are coping with everything. How old are they now? I am sorry your ex is still being a pain. But even that too shall pass.

@Simplelifecoming, good to hear that some things are progressing.

@Tiddleypops, lovely to read from you. So glad you are enjoying having your home to yourself, and you and DS are settling in to your own routine.

@clpsmum, feel free to moan... That's why we are here. To support one another.

So lovely to hear from everyone.

@DishingOutDone the divorce isn't even started he ignores all solicitors letters and my solicitors advice is to sit right and wait! I need to sell the house but not sure when as he won't disclose any financial information and I have nowhere to go. My DC all decided to go NC with him and a result his entire family have cut them all off. He is making our lives hell tbh. Things are getting worse not better and it's taking its toll.

How are things with you. Are you divorced?

DishingOutDone
You don’t need him to acknowledge the paperwork to divorce him. Get him served at work, You just to get him to sign for them!, you can then divorce him!

But since you have so much to contend with at the moment, I would agree sit and wait.
I sorry to hear about his family cutting off your DC, but demonstrates everything about who they are and nothing about who you are!

Keep going, one day at a time....you will get there when the time is right
, sending you love and hugs xx

@user1486131602 I remember you from a thread last year and remember your kind words then too. I feel so trapped it's horrible. Really don't know what to do and the situation is not straight forward. I can't believe I am in a worse position four years on I really thought it would all be resolved by now.

How are you? Did things get easier I seem to remember your DD left home is that right? Have you managed to sort things out? Is life treating you well?

@clpsmum no sadly not divorced or even close. My youngest Dd who is now 18 became very unwell with MH issues and I became unwell waiting for an operation so we are both more or less stuck here and reliant on H. There is not enough equity in the house for us both to get somewhere to live. It’s an ever decreasing circle.

So sorry to hear you are stuck too but at least he is gone and the DC are NC.

Clpsmum

Hi!
Things here are ok. We are having 2nd financial hearing end of June.
Both myself and son, who stayed at home are healthy.
I too find myself in a worse position, having to live on £500 a month is very difficult 😥
Yes my daughter did leave, she spent 2 years living with her boyfriends parents whilst ex paid for that! He has now rented a flat ( about 2 weeks ago) across town for me. My daughter now lives with him.
We are still in contact, so that’s a blessing but I don’t think we will ever be close again while she’s lives with him.
When I look back I can see that I needed the time to accept what had happened, abuse, divorce, daughter going, and my breakdown, that’s a lot for a person to cope with alone. So for that time I’m also grateful, I have been able to accept, adjust, heal and plan forward.
I hope that things will open up for you too, sometimes it helps to look back and see how far you’ve come, how much you have grown. Thank you for remembering me, that was kind of you. Love and hugs

Evening all. So the much awaited operation is next week and I am terrified. Will I be ok afterwards, will I need even more help so continually reliant on H? My eldest is home from uni to help but she is running around all day from the time she wakes up, as to be honest am I, trying to look after younger DD, washing, cooking, looking after the dog, tidying up etc, and H often just looking on. I can also imagine him playing the grieving widower if I died, but if I am more or less ok then how long before I can say yes I am well enough lets put the house on the market? Then almost certainly having to live with him as so many of you have had to live with your H's whilst it was all sorted out.

I'm in a mess, as might be obvious. Total fear of the operation, and of leaving DCs behind with all this chaos and him. Its been so many years now, I decided to split 4 years ago, told eldest DD 3 years ago then almost immediately younger DD became very unwell (and it became apparent that she couldn't cope with the split as she has to be "safe" in the house). I've been waiting for this operation for nearly 3 years too due to COVID and complications. All that time on hold, waiting and waiting. And now not sure I will reap any benefits.

Sorry to be so completely maudlin. Hope everyone is ok.

DishingOutDone

I hope all went well with the op. I pray it was.
Perhaps a few days not being the house will help you settle.
I’m sorry that you have so much on your plate. Please think about yourself more, you will not be able to recover if you don’t.

Forget the divorce stuff, start breaking things into smaller time periods. Eg : month 1. Get better .
Month 2 get things ready for return to school
Month. Broach the moving topic..etc
That’s should help, plus take the pressure off while you at recouperating

Second financial hearing end of this month, not expecting anything to be sorted, so off to high court with barristers and their fees it is!

It’s my daughters 18 birthday tomo, She is letting me buy her breakfast. She asked me to make her a cake, I have and it has consumed the last 3 days, as she wanted ones with chocolate covered strawberries, I finished it 1 hour ago!
Her dads has made a lunch appt at 1 pm, so she wants to take her presents, balloons and cake back to her dads before they go out!
I’m furious, she lives with him, she can surely afford me more that 2 hours. She moved in with him 6 weeks ago and I have heard nothing from her! I have called and messaged her every day this week, each time she says I’ll call you later, and doesnt, worse still is she lies about calling me back.
I have spent so long trying to build bridges with her, but she really doesn’t seem interested. If this was a ‘friend’ I would’ve dumped them ages ago.....
So, tomo I will just do what mums do, slap a smile on, take her to breakfast, give her presents and drop her back to her dad.
After that, I won’t be making any more effort ....at least only the same as she does!

Sorry to moan, just needed to get it off my chest!

@DishingOutDone sending love and strength your way. I agree with the above, break things down, small chunks. You cannot deal with everything in advance. Concentrate on the short term. You can do that. And then, when you get to the next chunk, concentrate on that. You can do that. And so on. One day at a time. And if you can afford 30 min quiet time a day to yourself,please do it. It's just as important as All The Stuff.

@user1486131602 you have so much on too. I hope things go well at the hearing, but you are prepared if not. So a good attitude to have. You can't predict all the outcomes. You deserve for something to go your way. I hope this does.

Maybe time for some barriers with your daughter. You've been through a lot with her. It's not fair for her to treat you with such disregard. You made the cake, no she can't take it back to her dad's! You bought those presents and will be there when she opens them. Honesty and respect is not too much to ask of her, you are not a servant. I hope you had a lovely birthday breakfast.