Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

@DishingOutDone what a lot you have to deal with while hiding it all together. All this waiting waiting waiting for your op that keeps on being delayed, a cancer scare (really hope it is nothing) and causing yet more waiting waiting waiting for your freedom. I hope they get to you soon, everything crossed here x
Your H's comments about a self fulfilling prophecy are a load of tosh, how hurtful after what you went through as a child . It is tough on you right now. Please try to look after your needs first and foremost.

My H definitely did not step up. In fact, he's work a your temp job and has reached new levels of useless. I had to ask my DF to drive over from his house 40 miles away to take my DS to school one day last week as I had a hospital appointment. It was also my DF who came over to take me to hospital and wait with me in A&E etc while I could not see. He's a gem. But it would be easier for him to support me if he could stay over the of night which of course he can't while H is still loafing about.

He works mornings. He's been coming home around lunch time or not afternoon and dealing asleep on the sofa and doing literally nothing else.

Yesterday I caught him hiding in a car park! I don't even know why? I can only assume trying to avoid the school run or even more likely having a sneaky beer before coming home. Thankfully I'm fairly detached from this kind of pathetic behaviour.

@user1486131602 oh noooo, your trainers!! So sorry, I did have a little giggle at that. What a nightmare though!

Sorry, typos galore 🙄

"he's work a your temp job" should be "he's working a temp job"
And if course "falling asleep" not "dealing asleep"!

@user1486131602 oh no! How annoying 🤗 hope your toes dont freeze. Hope you can get a bargain in the sake.

@Tiddleypops so sorry to read of your health issues. I hope they can find the cause. It must have been so scarey. 🤗

@DishingOutDone sending you a hug 🤗 and sending a prayer up for you. @user1486131602 had some very good advice.

Thank you for asking after me.
Divorce wise: nearly there
Financial order through, now needs implementing. House to go on market very soon.
H wise: he is either friendly or abusive. Or victimises himself. Still doesnt understand why we are getting divorced.
Had a massive verbal tirade from him last week and harassing texts.
Kids: Have been really challenging but have issues I have not discussed on here.

I havent gone to sleep before 1am for at least a month. I am so knackered. I have to stay awake until dc asleep as they need reassurance they can go to sleep first. They dont sleep well on a good night so on a bad night I might as well forget it.

Hey everyone!
I’m finding it harder and harder to find this thread!!
Lots of crap and chaos again, but moving on! I’m just so tired of the endless shit he comes up with! Has to pay the boyfs mum more money so he’s not paying the food money for his son anymore! Well that makes sense! I guess his son can just starve then!
Going to solicitor tomorrow and withdrawing from mediation, it’s just me waiting and him Fannying about and finding more ways to make us suffer. So going to court after waiting forever for both8ng! Selling the house as quick as I can, the EA said days! And quietly moving out without telling him, taking everything I want!
So, looks like I’ll be busy in Feb!!
Tiddleypops, itsmeandimscared, RoseMartha, and DishingOutDone I hope you are all ok, and we can catch up soon. Sending you all love and hugs 😘

Hello all, I'm hoping that everyone being reasonably quiet means you are all ok. My DD's MH issues are to the fore at the moment, she seems to be relapsing, trying to stay in school and a useless psychiatrist I am going through various tests (tubes both ends) for some worrying symptoms. Feels like crap. H has been fairly helpful, he's in another bedroom now but that belongs to DD1 who is at uni so he cant stay in there, he moved as I was so unwell I insisted. However he does things like storm in, in the middle of the night and insist he needs to find pyjamas or take some tablets, then puts all the lights on - last night he started brushing his hair and stood staring out of the window at 1.30am, I had to be up at 7 for work. Then he walked out leaving the lights on in the room, when I asked why he said well you were awake anyway.

I was recounting this to a friend who has been incredibly supportive but she keeps telling me to leave him immediately and that the example above would be enough to get him out - I can't imagine explaining all that to a judge can you?! I feel that I have over-used her friendship and cried on her shoulder too much, she's just got very frustrated with me. I should really use this thread for stuff like that but it seems petty when I see what some of you are going through.

DishingOutDone
Sorry he’s being such an arse.
I go back to one of my original posts, put all this in a journal, use the information in it to help you. Your solicitor will be able to use all of the batty behaviour as justification of unreasonable behaviour, you will not have to explain that to a judge, that’s the solicitors,place?

So, take care of you, to take care of your daughter, I know how she feels, I’m spending more time alone in bed again, and do whatever you need to do to get thru the day"

Sending love and hugs

Love and hugs everyone! Sorry I've been so quiet. It's been a weird few weeks.

@Tiddleypops, I'm so sorry to hear about your health and having to cope with that along with everything else. My god, I hope you get free of that man soon, you deserve some peace. In fact, that last sentence to everyone (including me please!)!

@DishingOutDone, what you said about your H coming in during the night for petty things, that sounds so horribly familiar. It's maddening. Take care of yourself, he is clearly not well. I hope your dd is ok and that you get some joy from your tests- it sounds like you are having to have a lot.

@user1486131602, what you wrote about your son's friend was lovely. I'm glad your son is feeling ok about being sad, sounds like he is dealing really well with it. It does remind me how precious life is. Hope your toes have warmed up from the bin incident! That made me chuckle, thanks.

@Itistimeandiamscared, how are you?

@RoseMartha, I'm sorry you're still dealing with all of that. It sounds like you are still making progress though, you're doing amazingly! I hope you get some sleep soon. I'm finding guided meditation for sleep is helping, I don't know if that would work for you?

Things are getting a bit intense here. After a lovely week where H went away with new girlfriend, having him back has been hard.

I am lucky to have an amazing counsellor and she has helped me to see the abuse that I couldn't manage to identify for myself. There it is. It was confirmed for me earlier in the week when I called out H on some poor behaviour (there has been a lot lately, seems to be getting worse) and he went very weird, threatening things (mostly financial), sending me nasty messages, deliberately staying up late and making lots of noise, also just after I'd got kids to bed (after he'd upset DS by shouting at him and then blaming his behaviour on DS). I'm trying to do DS's bedtime most of the time as it's so much calmer, but he keeps coming in all the time. I think he's feeling very insecure.

I have next mediation session tomorrow and I am telling myself that I will not agree to anything that doesn't feel right (finally starting to know and trust my own feelings) and to talk as if it's a business meeting and it's not about me. Then I think I can stay calm.

Wish me luck. Hope everyone managed to find some peace this week xxx

Ps, user, I have started keeping a journal. I'm not doing it everyday but trying to get the key things down. It is already helping me feel more clear about the facts.

Hi, everyone.
@user1486131602, so sorry to hear about your son's friend. I did not comment because you asked us not too. I hope you didn't think I did not care. I wanted to obey your wishes because I know it must be a very difficult time... losing someone. Losing someone so suddenly.
How are you both now?
Really sorry to hear XH is not contributing towards your son's upkeep. Has he attended any of the mediation meetings at all?
@tiedupwithstrings, I hope your mediation goes well for you. I know you already know this but keep all those nasty messages he sends you. Just so I haw got this right, he lives in the same house as you and DS. He leaves your shared home to go away with his girlfriend for the weekend, then he comes back your home?! Sending you ((huggsss)), that must just be so tough.
@DishingOutDone, I read your posting and I felt so angry on your behalf. I also felt frustration.. frustration (that damn familiar feeling). The coming into the room in the night and leaving the light on even when he is leaving the room. That is just pure nastiness.
@RoseMartha, congratulations on your progress with your divorce.
We have not started the financial bit yet. I have had a few serious issues going on with work, my health and with the kid, I am focused on getting through those. I hope DC get better.
@Tiddleypops, your dad is a gem. How are you and DS? Is your H still temping? How is your health?

I am sorry, i have not been posting much. I have been going through a difficult time. Stuff from work and a few other stressful things.
I should go back to counselling but I literally can not organise myself beyond work and looking after the kids. And as a result, other stuff in my life are falling apart.

Have any of you got any words of encouragement?
I messaged STBXH asking him how we could share the upcoming half term. I proposed a way we could share the holidays. The half term starts with his weekend and ends with my weekend. I proposed he keeps DC from his weekend to Wednesday night and I have them from Wednesday night up to my weekend.

He has not replied.
He does this. And then I am left not knowing what to do or what the plan is. And then anxiety builds up and I become a wreck.
I wish I could always be like I don't give a shit but I am not the best one for 'thinking on my feet'. I am not as smart as he is.
I always feel powerless and without options when I am dealing with STBXH...

Itsmeandimscared
Hello!🤣
Thank you my son is doing well. I’ve got few old lady complaints but otherwise ok, ill you know about my toes when they thaw out!🤣😘

As for Ex...no! nothing for 7 months now so we haven’t been near a mediator! I’m sick of him/it and so I’m filing for a court divorce, that will make him shit himself since everything is about his money!!

Words of encouragement 🤔
Sit still for a moment and look back at last 12 months. Then look as things are now......can’t you see how far you’ve come?
You have to f8nd time to care for yourself, go back to counselling, pronto!
Bugger what he wants. ,if weds to sat is better for you, then tell him so.
If He throws one co you didn’t ask or he hasn’t made plans, well, that’s tuff! Leave the kids there and he will have to sort it ......don’t help!
He is being awkward and nasty, coz that’s all he know to do!
Can’t educate pork!🐷🐽
Look after you to look after them sx. And in that order!

Tiedupwithstrings
I too have a counsellor from WA.
Lovely to be able to offload and seek solutions with no judgement!
Just let him be a dick, and keep journaling it doesn’t have be everyday, but when you need it proof is there! Plus books don’t answer back!🙊

My toes have got frostbite!!🙄
I mean who does that, I couldn’t ‘bin’ the olds ones.....no! Had to be the new ones!

To all of you, ladies: one day at a time!
Love and hugs xx

Thank you itistime and user for your encouragement. It is so helpful to know people understand and I'm not alone. Yes, he is still living with us. I hate it. He announced yesterday that his contract is coming to an end in a few weeks and he doesn't think he'll be able to get another job for a while!!!

I am so angry. I have realised what terrible behaviour I've been living with all these years. The more I realise it the more angry I feel. Again this morning he has gone back on what we'd agreed and taken away my small amount of time to myself.

The mediation session was horrible, I shook through the whole thing. He is using finances and whatever he can to manipulate the situation. I have written it all down to help me process it.

I am going to use this anger to put the situation right to the best of my ability. I will try and focus on myself and the kids and getting us free. This is my promise to myself and my children. Thank you for being my witnesses.

Power and peace to all of you! ♥️♥️♥️

Morning all, @Tiedup that is awful, I am glad you are angry ifyswim and even more glad that writing it down is helping. So just to recap; who still has H dossing with them, and whose house is on the market?

Have I got it right - @RoseMartha he's still in the house but you are selling up?
@user1486131602 your H is out of the house and you were just about to put it up for sale?
@tiedup he's still in the house and you are not yet able to sell the house?

And @Tiddleypops he's still there, but are you the person who wants to buy their H out?

Its also interesting (not in a good way) how many H's are out of work, unable to work or just about to lose jobs etc - my H has a part time job that supplements his private pension (he's not state pension age yet) - I reckon he would resign as soon as I say we need to sell the house, so as to leave him with insufficient income to rent. - its like someone is churning these men out from a factory! You just choose the hair colour and accessories etc but basically its the same person!

And of course, @Itistimeandiamscared - you are living without H, he's not with you but manipulative using the DC? Do you still have financials to sort out as well?

Hope I've got everyone's circumstances right!

Hi,
@user1486131602, I know that frostbite toes feeling ... Glad to hear your son is okay. And you sound chirpy. I wonder what next you will hear from him when he realises it is going for a court divorce.

@Tiedupwithstrings, I am so sorry to hear about your mediation session. I can imagine. I did the separate rooms mediation and I still trembled and shook. I still felt intimidated. Would have been worse if we were in the same room. I am glad you are angry. Stay angry. And you are right, keep the end goal sharply focused in your mind's eye. When is the next mediation? Don't let him get away with trying to use finance to manipulate the situation. Wishing you the best.

@DishingOutDone, yes, STBXH left the home. We have our decree nisi. Have not started financials yet.

STBXH eventually responded to my message. Going forward I have to find a way of handling these 'ignoring' episodes he does.

This year seems to be going so fast...
It is already 31st January.
My Christmas tree is still up. (shame). It didn't mentally click to me until a couple of days ago that it needs to be put away. I just haven't been able to organise myself enough and mentally I have been overloaded. And tbh, the tree makes me smile. I guess that's why it didn't click. I love it for many reasons. It is symbolic to me. I can explain but don't want to bore everyone.

Hello ladies!

Itsmeandimscared
Son doing well! Toes not so much.......not sure if they should look this colour or shape?🤣😂🤷‍♀️
Chirpy, no.. determined, hell yes!
Couldn’t care less want he will do or think next. I’d did that for years, now his mother or sister can sort that out. His staying with his sister has now caused her to divorce, so, they are like witches around the cauldron!!
As your STBEXH is still being an idiot, my advice is to behave in the same way, inside the law. send him message about arrangement. Then arrange for childcare etc on same day, wait for him NOT to reply. Day of arrangement drop kids off do your thing and leave him hanging. DO NOT ANSWER HIS TEXTS on said day. That lovely little phone will have documented his behaviour for you! 🥴
And loving the xmas tree thing, whatever brightens your day and you won’t have to put it up again this year, BONUS!🎄
DishingOutDone
Yes ExH out of house, got Nisi in sept haven’t done financials been waiting (forever) for him to file paperwork. Since you don’t HAVE to go thru mediation, I’m not, and the law allows for you to claim your costs because of the delay he’s caused.

Thus, the worm (woke up) has turned ! I am now doing what’s best for me and behaving just like the ExH, going to court, asking for costs all the while finding somewhere to rent and moving without telling him, coz he’s stopped paying for everything now, so I’m letting it all default! That will scupper any of his future plans and since I’m renting won’t affect me at all! Karma is a bitch!

Tiddleypops
I’m sending you lots of love and hugs and would be pleased to hear that you’re feeling better?

Tiedupwithstrings
I’m sorry that mediation left you so distraught, reason I refused to do it!
I can relate to the anger, I used it to fuel me, please let it make you laugh inside at another of his weaknesses and then use it to fuel you on your way.

It will get better, look at me! Old, no home, no daughter, no money, no trainers and frozen toes..........on the other hand! 🤔🙈🤷‍♀️ It’s fine, we are all afraid of the unknown especially when we have to protect our kids. I can assure you that even this is better than continuing my old life.
Moving on , looking forward not back.....I’m not going that way. And neither are you!

RoseMartha
I too have been having trouble sleeping, it’s like you can ‘ feel’ what’s going on. I too have been using you tube meditation to sleep. Just an idea?! Why not have kids in with you for a while, all settle down and listen to the meditation sounds to calm you all and sleep. Perhaps the security of each other will comfort you all. There doesn’t have to be rules, just whatever works right now.
I am putting house on market from Monday, so want to race? See who sells first? I’m trying to make light of things, I know it’s hard, but can it really be harder than living as you have been? Wanted to send love and hugs to let you know you’re not alone xx

I hope you can all get some peace today, sending love and hugs xx

@dishingoutdone, yes h does not want to move out and is dragging heels on divorce. He is currently earning and always has been the main earner, so if he stops earning then we're all in the soup. He is using money to keep control. It sounds like your H is similar.

@Itistimeandiamscared, I meant to say about your H, I'm sure you've tried this, but do you always give him a deadline to get back to you about hols... "If I don't hear back by... I'll assume you're happy with my suggestion and make arrangements..." Am I right that you don't have any legal agreement on custody?

Oops, crossed messages, sorry! My mind is a jumble! 🤪

@DishingOutDone 🤗 how are you?

H moved out last year. House is on market.

@Itistimeandiamscared 🤗 i totally get the anxiety thing. It is horrid and it makes me feel guilty and anxious and worthless because he is usually punishing me for something he did. 🤗🤗🤗

@Tiedupwithstrings I hope he finds work soon. Sending hugs it is nasty when they make you shake like that. 🤗🤗🤗

@user1486131602 🤗
Thank you for ideas. Yes we can have a house selling race.

@Tiddleypops 🤗 how are you doing? Thinking of you.

H is being really nasty. And it is not going to go away even when absolute comes through. Dont know where to go for help really.

He is still reluctant to start implementing the finance order. I know house is moving forward but there are other things which need sorting.

I am worried about where we live. Not many flats on the market in my price band.

@DishingOutDone 🤗 how are you?

H moved out last year. House is on market.

@Itistimeandiamscared 🤗 i totally get the anxiety thing. It is horrid and it makes me feel guilty and anxious and worthless because he is usually punishing me for something he did. 🤗🤗🤗

@Tiedupwithstrings I hope he finds work soon. Sending hugs it is nasty when they make you shake like that. 🤗🤗🤗

@user1486131602 🤗
Thank you for ideas. Yes we can have a house selling race.

@Tiddleypops 🤗 how are you doing? Thinking of you.

H is being really nasty. And it is not going to go away even when absolute comes through. Dont know where to go for help really.

He is still reluctant to start implementing the finance order. I know house is moving forward but there are other things which need sorting.

I am worried about where we live. Not many flats on the market in my price band.

Sorry it double posted kept telling me it hadnt 🙄😕🤔

RoseMartha
The way he treats and speaks to you is abusive. Please contact women’s aid they CAN and will help you thru this and it will deffo. Are housing easier with your kids being younger. I know you don’t want to admit to yourself that this is the case, but it’s time, time for you to get some help and leave him behind xx

I’ve been really struggling this weekend, been feeling sad and lonely, thank god there’s no chaos or drama. I don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t this! I’m tired of being too tired to get out of bed or stop crying.
Tomorrow is going to be different.
I’m setting an alarm, no sleeping tabs, and I’m starting to sort and pack things for myself. Sell what I don’t need.
I’m not doing anything with ExH or daughters stuff, just black bags in the garage. When I leave they can sort them out.
Lawyer, doctor, dentist, dog groomer appts to make and attend, been putting things off, so doing things might help.
Sorry for the moaning! 🙄☹️ Especially when you all have much more serious worries at the moment.

Love and hugs xx

@RoseMartha have you looked into shared ownership? That's what I am hoping for. I'll get, say, £150k equity well I can't get more than bedroom with that and even then it wont be a good area, so I have looked into putting a big chunk of that as a deposit, getting a 3 bed new build and then pay reduced rent on the remainder - does that make sense? I only work part time but as my deposit would be so big it wouldn't matter.

"more than 1 bedroom" that should say but you get the gist.

So in other news, which will not really be news to any of you, H reckons his boss has "got it in for him". If he loses this job (all his bosses have got it in for him sooner or later) we won't be able to pay the mortgage on our current house - if I say we have to put it on the market and split immediately, then he simply won't bother getting anything other work.

Anyway, he hasn't been sacked yet. I told him to reign it in with boss, I said they're the boss just agree with what they say and leave it at that.

Oh ladies, I don't know what to say!
@DishingOutDone you had it so right when you said it's like they have come out of a factory. Same mould. I don't even like mine ones hair and accessories! 😂
Dishing what a horrible man. 'Funny' how he even rubs his bosses up the wrong way too. I'm sure it's all them and not him 🙄 And out of work just at the critical moment. I read that about him coming in at 1am with my mouth open. The blatant abuse. I hope it's diaried as it's a really good example of abuse which is often very difficult to describe to anyone who hasn't been there. This is all happening while you are dealing with the stress and worry about your health (and your DD). I hope you can get her the support she needs. Remember you cannot fix her, you can only support her x
Fingers crossed on the health front too 🤞 I hope they sort you out soon. It's yet another waiting game with the NHS isn't it?

@RoseMartha you must be so tired. I too use guided meditation. I have an app called Insight Timer and it's excellent (it's free). Keep going. Perhaps women's aid can help you find some ways to deal with the manipulation around the kids?

@Tiedupwithstrings oh god there are so many similarities here. I had a terrible experience with mediation. I don't think I'm over it now! And it was all pointless because H just changed it all, nothing we agreed stuck. Hugs to you. The one thing I took pleasure in was the mediator getting as frustrated with him as me, and the fact that he looked so stressed I thought he might keel over from a heart attack right there! And another one conveniently out of work!! Jeez!!

@Itistimeandiamscared oh love, you have had a horrendous start to the year. You have come so far and all on your own, I think you are so strong 💪 I get that awful anxiety too, around child arrangements. I get ignored. I hope you have a nice few days at half term. A legal arrangement might really help but I understand that it's yet another thing to have to deal with.

@user1486131602 I hope you have had a good rest and are feeling a little better? You are so brave and strong and always turning negatives into positives. You are allowed to give yourself a break x x I hope the toes are better!
Completely agree re leaving your H and DDs things for them to sort out. Why should you do it? Concentrate on YOU x

As for me, well I've been diagnosed with MS. Pretty devastated really. At least it's not a brain tumor, but it's still shit. I have mountains to climb though, so you know, I will not let it floor me just yet.

H has come back asking for yet more money, greedy, nasty, horrible little twat ( he's not actually little, but in my head these days he really is so small I could flick him).
He's currently snoring so loud on the sofa downstairs, that he woke me up and I am upstairs in bed!!! I went down to close the living room door and he's there with a bag full of empty cans and crisp packets. He stinks off stale booze. It was not a pretty sight. Alcoholism is a terrible disease. I cannot wait until it is out of my house.
The benefits of being ill are that I have started to put myself first a little bit. It's not easy, I've neglected my own needs so long, that I don't know what they are! But little by little I hope to recover them. I also feel less engaged with his merry little twat dance. I suppose it's no longer the biggest thing I'm facing. I literally give no shits about him, how he feels, what he is doing. Sad to say he'll probably get his money - after all, he's found himself going from a well paid job to a shit paid job on a 0 hours contract 🙄 - but it might mean the end is in sight at least.
His time will come, when he no longer has the ability to blame everyone else for his problems, and can no longer abuse me. And I'll be free.

Tiddleypops.
I am so pleased to hear from you! Not so pleased with your news. MS is not a nice disease, but thankfully doesn’t have to be a final as it used to be. There are benefits that you can access as well as working, if you are to continue working. PIP is not a means tested benefit, that can add up to £800 pm to your income if you are awarded the higher rates. Pm me if I can help with that, or advice of where to start etc!

There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for, and I’m glad that you HAVE to yourself first now. Once your manchild is out of the picture I’m sure things will Improve all round for you.

Make sure you get the proper support from the hospital and social worker, occupational health etc, your needs will not lessen over time. If you were to apply for the benefits you may also be given a moto I Lita car and blue badge. I have a little knowledge about these things as a friends daughter was diagnosed at 30 with MS also. She said the hardest thing was getting govt Organisations to realise how serious things were.

So, if drunk manchild loses his job coz the boss is being a nasty man, it shouldn’t affect your prospects of a new home. The council can help you with that also now you have a diagnosis, you will be higher up the queue and will have an adapted home. Please look into that, it may take away another stressor for you. That’s another reason for a twit dance!

Please take time to rest and take good care of yourself, I would visit, but my toes are black and curly because the nasty bin man took my trainers! 🤣😂🥴

Love and hugs xx