Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

Hi everyone, I wonder how many of us are still on the thread? Its been a long journey. @user1486131602 how was the day in the end? And thank you and @Tiddleypops for good wishes; I am, as you see, ALIVE!! I'm not too bad 12 days post op but there were other who had similar op who are now back in intensive care etc lady in the bed next to me was rushed in through A&E last night so its a bit of a worry. I feel ok, bit dazed, and now of course I contemplate the next step.

He's been on the sofa (his choice, I wanted to buy a sofa bed) post op as I can't have anything knock into my stomach, but now he wants to sleep in the same bed again. I've been doing a lot of very painful reflection on the last 20 years (since eldest DC was born). I think the bottom line is this - I don't want to stay here for the remaining 20 years of my life, even though that might have some pretty crap consequences, but the problem is as my youngest DD is so unwell and no sign of any improvement, she's going to share the consequences. He's denied that his behaviour has had any affect on her mental health, he's not suddenly going to start being a great human being now. So its the issue of protecting her, whilst trying to sort out accommodation, on very little money. So there's my bottom line. It now comes down to cash. House isn't in great shape although not terrible, so I need to get ready to sell. I wont go into massive details about DD's illness but she can't leave the house easily and she can't have anyone in it so any viewings would be terribly hard for her. We only have 5 years left before we are forced to sell as we are interest only on the mortgage and can't repay it. I reckon we'd end up with about £125k equity each if we were lucky.

But in the meantime, where does he go? You all know the deal legally, he has a right to remain in the property. He doesn't earn enough to rent (his wage does not meet the minimum multiplier here for a 1 bed), I could gift him some cash to rent for 6 months. Then what? Once he knows I have that cash, he wont want to spend it on a rental, he'll want to have it himself! I'm going round in circles.

I want to be able to raise this with him before the end of August so that my unwell DD has elder DD with her, but then she's meant to start college in September so again more transitions and worries. Am I not seeing the wood for the trees?

DishingOutDone:
Glad the op went well. Take your time getting well.

Time to stop thinking about him, sell up and move on. You will never get him to take responsibility for anything, so, just do your own thing, only consider your own want and needs.

Don’t worry about the condition of the house, it could be in mint condition, then someone will buy it, tear down all your work and start again as they want it! Just sell.

My previous advices still stand, drs report re dd MH, report his behaviour to your dr, get it on record, ask the council to help, they have a duty of care to house you because of the MH issues.

Stop considering him, just stop 🛑 he is not considering you, and hasnt.

Well I know you’ll all be surprised to hear that the last court date was delayed but the ex last week.

He then got the police involved again! 🙄

I have tried, really tried to make sure I was only dealing with issues of the divorce not accusing etc....but now he has really rattled me, so as the saying goes: all’s fair in love and war!
Hoping the next date is end of July! So.......wait and see, again!

Tiddleypops:
Thank you for the good wishes, I truly believe that this delay is for my benefit as when the court date comes around in July ( I hope! ) I will then have written proof that he’s talking complete and utter rubbish, he has already lied in court papers too.

Hope things are going well at your end, take care of yourself xx

I'm still here too. Hope you feel much better soon @DishingOutDone and hope you can stay strong @user1486131602.

I'm waiting to exchange on my house sale, very frustrating as the buyer keeps delaying but I'm hoping it happens soon. Financial settlement is hopefully nearly there too, still some points of disagreement but more agreed than not now.

It does feel like I'm crawling towards freedom and every setback is a big blow but I try to remind myself how far I've come and stay positive.

It was a huge decision to break up my marriage and it has been really hard at times but I have absolutely no regrets and I've never thought I'm making the wrong decision.

Something someone suggested to me that helped was to imagine a day where I felt truly calm and content. What would my day be like, what would my home be like, how would I be spending my time? I thought about it and realised that to feel content and do the things that would make me happy STBXH would have to be gone.

Sending strength and encouragement to everyone who is trying to decide what to do next.

@DishingOutDone how is your recovery going? I keep thinking about you

How is everyone else?

Hello @Tiddleypops, I'm not too bad thanks. How are you?

@DishingOutDone I'm also hoping your recovery is going well and the way ahead is getting clearer for you.

We finally exchanged after a few delays so the packing is in full swing. It is a very weird feeling to have a countdown to not living with STBXH as it seems to have been so long coming. I have seen him almost every day for the best part of 30 years and although this is what I want I expect it will feel very strange.

@Simplelifecoming, good to hear things are progressing. Yes it's a long time, you are bound to feel very strange for a while I bet.
I've found myself having some real lows and highs since XH moved out. Mostly I'm very very grateful for all the good in my life now.

Sorry everyone I am the worlds worst at keeping on top
Of things and dip in and out of this thread seemingly at my lowest point, sorry.

Unfortunately now is one of those low points and I just don't know how much longer I can cope. I don't know what to do I am anxious all the time and feel so alone and genuinely have nobody. I know none of you can help really I think I just wanted to get it off my chest.

I hope you are all ok and all managing to handle your personal struggles

@clpsmum could you refer yourself for some mental health assistance, if you haven't already?
I suppose it will differ between local authorities, but in mine I was able to go on a website, fill in a form and someone contacted me to do a proper assessment. I was then referred to an appropriate service (I've done it twice. First time I needed counselling, second time I was very very anxious so I had CBT).
Sending love and strength. It's good to hear from you 🤗

Thank
You already done that but twelve week wait so just need to wait

Hi all, I know it's been a long time but you'll see from my new username that things have changed a lot for me in the last few months. 2021 has been really hard but I'm finally free and in my own place and loving it.

I got my decree absolute a few weeks ago and ex has signed all of the financial order documents. It's been like pulling teeth but I kept going and got there in the end.

I hope everyone else is doing well and making progress and that you can get to your own fantastic place soon

I can’t believe it’s over a year since I posted and 8 months since the thread was active. I have finally told H it’s all over and he is devastated. Wants to go to Relate. I remember all the posters here who were struggling sometimes for years to finalise a divorce. Now my turn. PS I was DishingoutDone.

How are you @StaplesCorner as you were not very well. Hope you are better.

I am pleased you have some good news x

@RoseMartha How lovely to hear from you! I had my op last year and had some improvement, now they want to do another one and I am not sure I can go through it all again this year. But yes definitely better can get about more. I'll be 60 this year but my 86 year old neighbour has more energy!

It doesn't feel like good news - of course I knew I'd be upset once the truth was out, keep feeling safe and cosy in my lovely house whilst knowing we will have to sell up and neither of us will live in something as wonderful as this again. I know STBexH is very scared (starting all over at 65) and I don't blame him. I am going to try to make it as amicable as possible. We're doing Relate initially, I'll go along for first session(s) then I hope the counsellor can help him to accept it - up to a point at least.

I've just been reading a thread on possible cost of living going up 15% next year and thinking my timing couldn't have been worse! But please tell me your news, I'm scrolling back to see where you were previously.

Oh @StaplesCorner you've told him! You are doing this!
If ever you need reminding that this is the right thing to do, come back to this thread and find all your posts. You deserve a better life. A peaceful and free life. They always say on the Relationships forum that it's not advisable to go to counselling with an abuser, and your H is so manipulative. Keep strong. Of course he is scared (and so are you), but that is not for you to fix for him.
I am wishing you so much strength and hope. You can do this x

@StaplesCorner
Thinking of you for everything.
Starting over is hard. But you have got this. You have come a long way already.

We have been in our flat nearly 2 years. Divorced 2.5 years. Struggling with juggling elderly ill parents, a job, the flat, the dc's who have multiple issues and my ex who continues to be abusive.

How are you @Tiddleypops

@RoseMartha I am so sorry to hear you are still struggling with your ex being abusive. I hope you will be fully free of him in the future.

Things are reasonably good here thank you. One thing the whole experience taught me, is to appreciate everything. Life is far from easy as a full time working single parent. I get no help from XH bar a few hours on a Saturday (if he isn't busy doing whatever else he pleases) where he has DS. But I cherish the peace, my relationship with DS, my lovely neighbours who look out for us, the little things that are all mine. The healing continues, and I am so grateful to be on this path and not the other path (i.e. still married).

@StaplesCorner things have a way of working out in ways you never expected. As Rose said, it is hard starting over, really hard, and moments that you may look back and think it might have been easier just to put up and shut up, but I promise there will also be so much good stuff to treasure it will be worth it. Keep looking for the positives, accept help, let people be there for you. You have come a long way already 😘

@Tiddleypops
I am pleased to hear you are in a better situation. Sorry to hear your exh does not has your ds much. I have a similar problem. My exh also spends all his long weekends with his girlfriend.

@StaplesCorner @Tiddleypops
I read something not that long ago which was along the lines of. If you from 5 years ago could see where you are now. You would realise that you have come a long way.

It always makes me laugh how many stories we have that are the same (maybe the details are different but fundamentally the same).
I asked my XH many times if he could have DS any days at all over Summer. Eventually he offered to have him for a weekend in the middle of my annual leave so that hinders rather than helps. He's since announced he's going away this week with his GF.

@Tiddleypops
Why do they do this?

The other thing that annoys me is he will see them for the afternoon, which means if I had wanted to go out with the dc we are limited because I know I have to drop them at 2 or 3. Then I collect them at 6.30-7 so hardly helpful. Sometimes I dont bother going home as not worth the petrol.

Hi everyone can I join? I can't even say I am divorcing STBXH against his wishes because at this point it seems like it will never happen. We have been separated for five years and he has made my life hell. Hoping to at least have divorce papers filed by the end of the year but between an awkward ex and not so hot solicitor I'm beginning to wonder

Hi @clpsmum i remember you and I saw your recent thread that is awful. Are you living apart?

Hi and thanks for your reply. Yes we've been living apart for five years believe it or not. Everything seems to work in his favour which is quite unbelievable tbh

Sounds a nightmare @clpsmum

Can you change solicitors?
They are generally slow. Especially over Christmas where nothing seems to move for at least 3 weeks.

@RoseMartha I think I'm going to have to