Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

Oh honey, don't punish yourself about being up late. And you can't be in two places at once. Can you delegate some of this responsibility to someone?

How are you doing today @Itistimeandiamscared?
Can you find something to treat yourself to today, even if that's 10 mins away from the kids, and a nice hot cuppa? Thinking of you xxx

@Itistimeandiamscared, I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling this low at the moment. I hope you get through this next week ok, what terrible timing with work. Maybe you could speak to someone about some time off after this crazy period is over? Managing work and kids is enough for anyone and you are amazing for coping with all this.

Also really sorry to hear about your 'friend'. That is a rubbish way to behave and I can only assume she has some issues and that behaviour is not about you! It sounds like you have some other much better friends that will support you, albeit from a distance. I hope you get some joy with counseling and glad you have your support group.

Sorry to bang on about it but ten mins guided relaxation meditation is doing wonders for me. I'm still anxious but have less of those panicky feelings. It might help you wind down and reset after work. It took a while for the benefits to kick in but worth it.

Thinking of you 💐

Completely agree with @Tiedupwithstrings, I am also doing 10-20 mins of guided meditation (with 'Insight Timer' app on my phone) and it really helps to quiet my mind, even just for a little while and brings me back to now. I'm really rubbish at it 😂 and I don't manage every day, but actually, getting better over time.

I'm so angry with H this weekend. Loads of really self centred, shitty behaviour. Nothing particularly huge, just that kind of shit that chips away at your sanity. I feel hate towards him which is not useful.
I had some good, if brief, chats with DSD this weekend. I know for a fact he is filling her head full of crap about me, but I hope that I can keep the damage back long enough for it to not matter. I suspect she doesn't buy into everything he says and I think her mother will definitely set her straight on a few things! But still, it feels like I'm under attack all the time. It's draining.

Wouldn't it be nice if someone would look after us for once?

Itsmeandimscared
I’m so sorry I wasn’t around to offer you comfort.
I can totally empathise...your friend’ A......my SIL!
She was obviously not a friend at all just a USER who had attached herself to you for the convenience! The feeling of betrayal is a hard one to overcome. It says so much more about their morals than anything about you, that’s just who they are! Something that helped me was this....friends are for a reason, a season or for life.

The only good to come from this is that you can see who to keep in your life. Those people who have helped (my so called friends sided and socialised with my Ex......still not even a text to find out if I’m alive to this day! ) are keepers anyone else....detach....remember: “step away from the chaos! “
You are not a FAILURE.
I know and understand and the feeling, putting yourself last when you NEED to be first is excruciating.
I did not have a full time job, or I’ll parents or little kids to cope with and I ended up in hospital........WOMAN, YOU ARE A WARRIOR and DONT FORGET THAT!
Talk, to your friends, stay at the online counselling, check out your medical care package at work, it HAS to be confidential by law, this could give immediate help. AND GET THAT JOURNAL OUT, SHOUT SWEAR PLEAD BARGAIN DUMP AND ACCUSE IN THERE, No one but you will see it and it will help your mind, it really will!
You won’t feel better immediately, slowly but surely you will come round to a working solution for you.
My counsellor gave me this piece of advice last week, instead of worrying who said/did what, just be accountable for you. Your thoughts. Your deeds. And nothing else......water of a ducks back! I thought she was nuts, but retreating to myself, finding comfort and honesty in my own conscience has really helped.......sorry if that was deep.
I hope your new job was okay, you need to learn to say no, you cannot allow anything else to endanger your MH right now. Please think carefully before taking anything more on.

I’m sending you love and prayers and the biggest of hugs 🤗 xx❤️

RoseMartha, tiddleypops ,tiedupwithstrings and DishingOutDone!

Welcome to the start of spring!

I too have been feeling down and panic.
2 more solicitor appointments still, nothing else to report.

Haven’t heard from my daughter and that has really knocked my MH again, after spending days in bed like a smelly sloth 🦥 I have decided that I can do no more.
Until she can work out what her dad is doing and she doesn’t have someone else acting as her mother, I’m out in the cold and that’s that. So, along with everything else, I have to detach from her.
I haven’t been able to come here and dump my feelings even, as it is physical and emotional pain that I feel discussing it. I’m crying now writing this.

Captain chaos has stopped paying anything at all here, his sons food included! But, that wont hinder me! I’m letting everything default.....then he won’t be able to get a new mortgage using this address ( we are still financially connected!) as he hasn’t registered Anywhere else, he won’t be able to use that address either!

HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, LAUGHS LONGEST!!
But that being said, things here are so much better than a year ago, the anxiety, fights, lies, betrayal, blame, fights, problems, debts are all becoming distant. Just taking it day by day but looking forward.
My son is still home ‘caring’ for me, he’s says it’s his choice to stay and that he wants to be home, rather than in uni halls.

Thank God for him xx

I wish each of you hope, peace and love

Love and hugs xx

@Tiedupwithstrings - where do you get the guided relaxation from is it You Tube? One without an annoying voice?

And @user1486131602 - how did you get that sloth?!

Hi, everyone.
Thank you for all your support. I sincerely appreciate you all.
@Tiedupwithstrings and @Tiddleypops, thank you for pulling me back to meditation. I used to it but then when I was floundering, I forgot that it could help.

@Tiddleypops, you obviously care alot about your DSD and it seems you have a good relationship. I suspect he may fill her head with stuff but I think it would not very much affect her feelings towards you. I hope things with you and DSD stay great. How old is she?

@Tiedupwithstrings, thank you so much for reminding me again about meditation. How are you?

@DishingOutDone, how are things?

@user1486131602, thank you for your lovely post. I am being wary of taking on too much. I am really sorry to hear about the state of things with your daughter. I still firmly believe she will come round but in the meantime, you do need to think of you. I know something was working out re: housing for you. Any further news? I am worried that if everything is defaulting, would you be asked to leave your home before you are in a position too..? I am glad you have your son. He sounds lovely.
You look after you.

@RoseMartha, how are you? How are DC? Your health? And DF&DM? Hope you are well.

DishingOutDone

No thanks necessary! How was the first week at work?!

About the defaults.......I’m making a calculated decision that captain chaos Will have backed himself into a corner regarding the mortgage and secured loan defaulting. He has to have a clean credit record to get a new mortgage alone. Mortgages here in the UK ( don’t know where you are! ) are called ‘ joint and several loans’ which means, making things simple:
if my mortgage payment is £100 and he paid his £50 and I paid nothing, the mortgage company (in law) has to apply £25 to his half and £25 to mine.....we would both still owe £50 jointly!
So I’m betting he will continue to pay it all once the penny drops. The same law applies to loans secured on property.

But everything would need to have at least 3 full payments behind to default. In real terms that means 6 missed payments for the mortgage and loans. If it was all defaulted tomorrow, this would help my position, I would be legally homeless and be rehoused! He would not be in the same position, the defaults would be on his credit record, stopping him getting a mortgage. A bit long but there you are!

No other news regarding housing, but I’ve informed the solicitor that I’m no longer interested in his position and I will putt he house on the market and sell it without him or waiting for her to do anything more. He can sign the agent form and the sale document at the same time for all I care!

My daughter knows where I am and I’m so disappointed in her, but I’m not crying anymore tears or waiting for her anymore. I’m sure she will find me when she needs to.

My sons name means firm and strong, middle name means, asked of God. And he is.

I hope that the journaling, mediation etc is helping your day pass. Remember what a warrior you are!

Here’s the meditation I use from youtube, the waves put me to sleep 😴

Sending 🤗🤗🤗 to everyone. Hang in there. Thinking of you all.

@Itistimeandiamscared

Thank you for asking. House still on market. Dc are ok . Bad attitude from them after visiting their dad. Still only going for the day. Or half a day.
I had that sinus thing going round weeks ago that has left me with bad catarrh.
Parents gone downhill. Sw not much help.
Struggling to cope with them and dc and ex.
Ex still being abusive. And refusing to co operate with remaining things that need to be tied up with financial order.

@RoseMartha, I feel your pain with being ill on top of everything else. I hope that clears up soon. Sorry to hear you are still getting abuse, but I hope the financial order gets sorted soon!!

@user1486131602, you sound brighter than you were earlier in the week. Hope you are feeling a little better. It must be hard to focus on you and not be dragged into dramas with your DD and Captain chaos. Maybe putting time in the diary for self care is a good way to go... I'm saying this having done nothing of the sort myself! If only I could take my own advice 🙄

@DishingOutDone, like @tiddleypops I use Insight Timer. It's free, there are lots of different people, voices and accents on there and I've found a few that I don't find annoying! My dd and ds both have a short kid's one at bedtime too which is really sweet. I love to hear my dd doing affirmations 'I am loving', 'i am creative'. So lovely ♥️

@Tiddleypops, well done for working at the relationship with your dsd. It must feel like a losing battle sometimes but I think particularly with children and young people, actions speak louder than words. You are there for her and that matters. Sorry to hear about your H, I very much can relate to how you feel right now.

I am in a bit of a bad way quite frankly. H finished working 2 weeks ago and having him round the house all day and night is horrendous. He keeps shouting at ds in the evenings even though I've said I can do bedtime without 'help'. He shouts at me and blames me for his poor behaviour. It's grim. I've had a chest infection and ds has been off school with similar (not CV!) so I've not been running or been to Al anon. It's really taking its toll on my MH. When I don't run it's hard to sleep even with meditation. I'm feeling a lot of anger towards H. I really need to channel it. I'm making a promise to myself to push on again with divorce stuff next week as I've not made much progress lately with illness...

@Itistimeandiamscared, hope you are feeling a little better

Wishing you all a better week 🤗🤗🤗

@Tiedupwithstrings, so sorry to hear about how things have been and your ill health.
Things must feel really stressful. I am sorry that meditation is not very helpful at the moment. I hope you and DS get better soon.
I don't have any advice. I can only say take it one day at a time... One hour at a time if need be. Forget about thinking and planning towards pushing forward with the divorce next week. Get better first. Then get running. That would improve your mental health and you could take on divorce stuff. Just worry about the here and now of getting through your H constant shout stressy presence.

Sending you

Thank you for asking after me. I am taking one day at a time. Work is extra stressful - very busy, new workplace, new role and the coronavirus has really escalated our workload.
My DF collapsed at work today... He was investigated and found to have irreversible myocardial damage with blockage of some arteries. He lives in another country and is on his own. DM is away, she has been visiting my Dsis for some months now. It is actually good she's away. We were actually arranging to have him go and get assessed for cataracts +/- glaucoma. But he can't make that trip now. He is retired but couldn't bear it so returned back to work. He is in his late 70s. But very fit and agile. Healthy eater, occasional alcohol, does not smoke. I am still in shock.
STBXH came to pick DC and proceeded to argue with me and then just basically blank me...like he was dealing with an idiot.
I am on long day shifts this weekend with a 2hour commute each way.. It is just a difficult time but I am pushing through.

@Tiedupwithstrings, I hope things ease up soon.

@user1486131602, how are you? Hope you are doing okay? And DS is doing well.

@DishingOutDone, hope you are okay. How is your health? Are you feeling a bit better? What's happening with the growth/biopsy and surgery? Because of coronavirus a lot of elective surgeries are being cancelled. I have been thinking about you. How are your DDs?

@RoseMartha, really sorry to hear that your STBVVXH is being such a pain. He hasn't got a choice really, so he can be a pain as much as he wants, like everything else this time will pass and you will be rid of him from that aspect. So sorry.

@Tiddleypops, how are you? How is DS? Hearing @Tiedupwithstrings H is no longer working and is being quite twatty, I thought of you. How are things?

Coronavirus is spreading. It is expected 8 out of 10 of us will get it. It is a virus we have no previous exposure to, so our individual and herd immunity to this virus is non-existent. . So please, build up your immunity, avoid crowds, avoid enclosed spaces with lots of people, be extra extra vigilant with our hand washing. But very importantly build your general immunity - multivitamins, vegetables, citrus fruits (for the vitamin c). Also keep a close eye on any of the elderly we know/have near us.

You are all amazing people, with all our different situations, you all just keep going.
Have a lovely weekend.

Thanks so much, @Itistimeandiamscared, I needed to hear some encouraging words just now. You're right, I need to focus a bit more on looking after myself. It's probably the most important thing we can all do but I think it doesn't come naturally to any of us!

@Itistimeandiamscared, I'm so sorry to hear about your DF. What a shock for you. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.💐

Take care everyone

Thank you @Tiedupwithstrings.
Please, get as much rest as possible today. Try and block the shouty stress presence from your mind (as much as you can), give DS cuddles (if he will let you).
You are in my thoughts and seriously you are doing so well.. Have a lovely day

Now, I just need to get out of bed and face the day. Feeling very low and having massive anxiety. It's horrible.

Thanks @Itistimeandiamscared, you too, take care of yourself and remember you are amazing!

We are all amazing! 💪 ♥️

People are dealing with so much I can hardly credit that you are all still coping. I am still having tests, but need another biopsy and I am in no hurry - I am not willingly going into a major hospital any time soon so have just put everything on hold. DD16 is having a MH relapse, nothing I can do but support her and ride the storm as it were, I am going to get her discharged from CAMHS as they are making things worse ; she'll stay under GP until we can get adult services involved. DD18 is pretty desperate she has terrible anxiety around coronavirus, her uni is completely blasé, I just need her to come home.

H asked me today (not for the first time) -"Why are our kids so anxious is it something we've done?" without a hint of irony. He truly believes that him shouting in our faces for years (when he could be bothered to get out of bed) is something the girls should have just put up with. No idea why he ever thought it was ok, maybe he just wanted it to be. I remember some time ago, years maybe, I said to him do you ever blame yourself for the way things are because I know I blame myself - he always has the same answer "yeah that's right I knew it would all be my fault, lets all play the blame game". Every time. DD asked me why I don't argue with him, she said tell him what he's done, he will understand - she is always in my corner but she has no real idea of just what a selfish bastard he really is, he would never accept the slightest responsibility.

I think we are all going to batten down the hatches now, which is particularly hard for those who have Hs not working and in the house. I wish I had some inspiring words but I don't have even a jot of the strength you lot have.

Awwww.... @DishingOutDone, sorry to hear about your DDs. I can't imagine how trying that must be for you on your physical and mental health. Staying strong for our LOs or supporting them through a crisis is a really tough thing to do.
Sending you strength. I pray positive outcomes for your biopsy and for surgery when it happens.

Thank you @Itistimeandiamscared for you too.

@DishingOutDone, I'm so sorry to hear about your daughters. I'm also sorry that you have a husband who is firmly in denial of his role in your dds' issues, so you are facing it without his support. It can feel lonely at the best of times but I hope you have friends who you can share the burden with. I'm sorry you've had to put your own health on hold. Thinking of you. 💐

I found a guardian angel meditation recently. I think we all need one!

My dd developed a cough over the weekend so I am facing 14 days of the whole disfunctional family together. I will just keep repeating to myself: this too shall pass and be grateful that we have food and are relatively healthy, for now at least!

How is everyone else doing? Look after yourselves!

Hello ladies.
Wow! Whata week! The whole world has changed.

I too have been helping my dad 82 and COPD sufferer, his wife 79 and not the best of health. I have asthma so have to be careful, so I have just been staying at home only going out when necessary.
Personally I think this has been around for a few months already, I have a friend who had all these symptoms at xmas time and was REALLY poorly.

Been out to buy loo rolls etc to post a friend in Norfolk, where they have unable to get any for the last 5 days!

I’m sorry to hear about each of your problems, that they aren’t improving or moving on, that’s dreadful especially now, when we have to give even more. Please include yourselves in that care ladies.

My son and I are fine his UNI was the first in wales to close and he has been doing his course online and choosing to not go in because of my asthma. He’s delighted! He can spend even more time in bed 🍀🛏🦥🦥🦥. No news from or about daughter! A little win captain chaos has f8nally sent in his financials......and now we can’t do anything because of the virus!🙄. Who knows, maybe this was how it was supposed to be ( the delay) now I’m starting to worry about a house price crash!

So, wishing everyone To stay safe and healthy . Love and elbow bumps😂🤪

Just caught up. Sending you all 🤗🤗🤗 in these even more difficult times.

Even now I am reminding myself to take one day at a time. We will get through this.

Xx

Hi @user1486131602, so lovely of you helping your DD and his wife. Do they live near you? Glad to hear you and DS are fine.
Good news re: the financials. The end is in sight 🤞... and hopefully it will be when the house prices situation suits you.

So kind of you to help out a friend in Norfolk. Heard Katie went to the High Street Sainsbury's in Norfolk. She had George, Charlotte and Louis with her. Had she also ran out?

@RoseMartha, so lovely to hear from you. Hope you are okay. With school closures, you going to be alright?
And your parents? Hope they are okay... and keeping away from possible Covid 19 contact points is not being too difficult for them.

@Itistimeandiamscared how r u?

Not looking forward to sch closures. And working from home . Will have to get the kids out every day for a walk.

Another run in with exh has left me shaking like a jelly and unable to sleep last night.

Asd dd not coping with changes because of CV19. Which makes things hellish.

Parents finally understand they need to stay home but keep ringing for attention or need help. Or shopping. I have said I cant shop every other day like usual for them. 😕 not sure how that is going to go.

House still for sale and i will be surprised if it sells while we are all in this unforeseen situation. Ex not happy abt house not sold.

@RoseMartha, so sorry to hear about your run in with XH. I get it.

Had the same last weekend I was totally crap and found myself starting to go down the black hole I was climbing out of... then the other day he sent a message. He was not insulting but the tone was derogatory. And because I know him I could see him speaking and see the expression on his face. And it destabilised me horribly. I now have to send him a message re: kids because of school closures and I am dreading it. I have been putting it off for a couple of days now.

I hope today you feel better and somehow shake of the experience. It will start to fade and you will pick up your strength again.

Your XH should keep his unhappiness about the house not selling to himself. Hope your DD starts feeling calmer/more adjusted to things soon.