Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

@Tiddleypops - wow that's a lot for you to process; does STBExH know? Would he stop being such a cunt if he did? I think @user has lots of practical advice and sometimes its good to just focus on that, tackle what you can. You are so brave, but then I always thought that. And yes once that wanker is out you will be 100% better off.

@user1486131602 - get those feet wrapped up all cosy in something!!

DishingOutDone
Waiting for the spring. Will leave said toes out in the sun to thaw and won’t look so odd in flip flops, I hope?!😉🥴🤣

@Tiddleypops
It is so nice to hear from you.
I am so sorry to hear your health news. But you sound so positive about it which is great. I think just knowing what it is just takes one extra anxiety off your shoulders. I hope you are resting up as much as you can. The sooner your H leaves the better for you and your ds.
How is he?

Thinking of you. 🤗🤗🤗

Wow @Tiddleypops, I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I hope you can have some time to come to terms with this, and yes, look after yourself as much as you can. You are so strong, you will find a way to live with this too and you will be free! I loved your phrase "merry little twat dance" 😆😂🤣. I'm going to remember that one for the dark days!

Thank you for the support as always ladies 💗 You are wonderful.
Well yesterday I spoke to solicitor. We have hatched a plan for next steps - part of which offers a lump sum upfront to exH to get out and accepts almost all of his demands. Sol can't see how it will be rejected or twisted (but he hasn't met H!) So let's hope he is right because my sanity can't take much more. I daren't yet consider there might be a light at the end of the tunnel, but perhaps there is 🤞

I've also sorted my will this week. Heaven forbid it's needed before DS reaches adulthood, but if it is, then exH will not get a penny, he will not get to look after DS inheritance, and my wishes about DS guardianship (not him!) will have to be taken into account - it would be a disaster if he became sole carer. Even though I fully intend to not die in the next 20 years I feel a real peace of mind that I've done all I can for DS if it happened.

How has everyone's week been? I can see the evenings starting to get lighter, just a little bit I hope the spring brings us all a little bit of progress. Thinking of you all x

Hallo. I’d like to rejoin please - was on one of the early threads.

Backstory: xh decided we’d be better off divorced. I agreed. Nearly 2 yrs ago. He within a month if my moving out had a new gf. It didn’t last. He now thinks us divorcing is a mistake and wants me back.

Initially was going to wait for 2 y separation but he refused to do financial mediation and so I’ve gone unreasonable behaviour

I heard the other day that he is defending the divorce. So am off to see solicitor next week but am just 🤬 at how long it’s taken. And how crazy he is thinking he can stop this.

Evening @Borris, and welcome back (I think?!) - that's a prize twat you've got there! Reminds me of a comedy sketch I saw recently, a mother with a 3 year old got so tired of his wheedling and asking for things, she said "you can have whatever you want!!" to which the 3 year old boy cried in outrage "But I DONT WANT WHATEVER I WANT!!"

Where are you living now and do you have any DC?

Oops - I mean as in did you stay in the house or move out etc - sorry I didn't mean to ask if you are in Wolverhampton or something?!!

Im in a rented house which feels so much more like home than the marital home ever did. We have a primary aged dd whom we share 50:50. I keep looking at houses I could buy on rightmove when I’m divorced. But am definitely getting ahead of myself!

@Borris welcome back!
Sounds like he wants the moon on a stick! What an idiot! What solicitor in their right mind would advise contesting it? What does he have to gain - well punishment for you I guess for not jumping to his Beck and call and running back when he clicked his fingers He wants power and to throw his weight around by the sound of it. I'm glad you are living somewhere else that feels like home

Hi Tiddley. Well he doesn't have a solicitor - clearly he knows as much as someone who's done a law degree so what waste his money!!! Hence the poor decision as no-one in their right mind defends a divorce.

I think it's all about control, you're right.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend

Aha, yes he knows everything there is to know.
He'll come a cropper trying to do things himself, but it is the fact that there will be knock ons for you too (delays, maybe court, all that pointless bullshit). I hope things move along soon for you.

I'm trying not to lose my shit daily at the moment. Every day is like wading through treacle. My solicitor said he'd get draft letter to me by Thursday lunchtime last week. He didn't, so we'll be another week on by the time that goes off to H's sol. And then of course we'll wait 3 months for a fucking reply

Tiddleypops

That’s sounds like my life! Waiting 8 months for captain chaos to get his papers together, then sends an answer to my solicitor saying she’s talking crap about how long it’s taken and very happy that’s Ive finally decided to engage! And that’s after waiting 6 months to even get a solicitor cos ‘ I was playing games ‘
I’ve got a solicitor appt in a hour and I cant decide whether to go to court to expose his lies, deceit, collusion, manipulation, abuse and hopefully costs so much money he will get nothin but debts ( so will I) or just cut my losses and run......which I’ve been trying to do since Feb 2019!
Oh! God! Just when will someone see what a wanker he is and actually DO something??

Welcome Borris, and as above...beware!

Tiddleypops
Glad you feel more settled, time to light a fire under solicitor.....no time to waste now! Take care of yourself!

Love and hugs ladies xx

Oh! Borris.....don’t know if this will help.
You do not HAVE to do mediation. So if youd like to go back to 2 yrs and sod off, do so! And as he’s refused to do mediation and delayed the divorce you can ask the court to cover your costs!
Hit him in the pocket, always works!,

Tiddley it's so frustrating how slow things can be. I don't understand how solicitors can be so slow. I'm my job if I don't do things when I say I will then there'd be complaints. Hope you make progress soon

User I'm seeing my sol this week so will find out about getting stbxh to pay. You're right - that will focus his mind more than anything.

I don't think the 2 year thing will work as he would just not mutually agree ... and then I'd have to wait 5 years

I've been to the mediation but he refused to attend. However I do have a certificate saying that so presumably will look good in court.

Captain Chaos is such a good name. I might use that. It's slightly politer than some I have in my mind

@Borris, what a horrid situation. He has royally messed you around. What an idiot for wanting to stop the divorce after all that. I hope your sol appointment goes well.

@user1486131602, @Tiddleypops, I'm sorry to hear you're both still dealing with solicitors and delays too.

It really makes me feel so angry that we're all dealing with this poor, selfish behaviour. It is not right! All I can think of to say is don't let the bastards get you down!

I'm going to contact a solicitor to get some advice as the mediation is so stressful and not really going anywhere.

Hope everyone's week goes ok 🤗🤗🤗

Thanks @user1486131602, I've emailed solicitor this morning with a bit of a prompt. I guess they get away with it because we need them on our side. It's just so predictable though? @Borris, exactly, if I didn't do something on time in my job then I'd be in shit! Even in my personal life, if I say I'm going to do something in X number of days, then I do it. It's a matter of respect for the other person.
Your H is really not making himself look good is he? Refusing to engage in mediation, refusing to enlist a solicitor, and contesting. He's going to look a right plonker in court. Let him make his bed. A judge would laugh at him.

@Tiedupwithstrings - you've given mediation a go. That's enough. My solicitor said that I only had to go once to show willing and that would be enough if we ended up in court. It's so traumatic and if you are not getting anywhere then what is the point?

@user how did your appointment go?

Tiddleypops
The solicitor cancelled while I was in the waiting room!
Not getting annoyed, I believe that it’s been delayed for a reason!

Yes they are predictable, but ‘ he who shouts loudest gets seen to first’. So keep on at yours, be blunt enough to tell him because of your diagnosis you have little time to waste and cannot now allow any extra stressors to impact your health. NOR should you.

Tiedupwithstrings
Thank you. Just the process taking its time!

Borris
You do not need his agreement if you are using unreasonable behaviour, ask about it. There is a legal page on here that I have found very helpful.
You dont get ‘legal advice’ per se, but an explanation of the legal process. Good luck x

Love and hugs ladies. Xx

@user1486131602 - cancelled whilst you were in the waiting room!?! WTAF?!

It just all seems insurmountable now. I've posted on another thread about my operation being further delayed - I've waited a year now, first of all DD2's MH was so bad I couldn't tell H it was over. Then I was waiting for an operation, but now it seems I might not be able to have it as they've found a growth - waiting for biopsy results. Even if its not cancerous, I might now not be able to have the original operation and so my strength and mobility is an issue. I have to wait and see the outcome of all this. And then next year DD2 takes her A levels, so if I was to tell H now we'd be selling up and moving during her A level year, maybe even during the exams! - do I wait even longer? she's saying she wants to go to uni but we don't even know if that's ever going to be possible.

And all the time my creeping fear of H developing dementia is ticking away in the background. Although for the time being he seems on a fairly even keel. Since this latest bout of illness he's been helping out with hospital appointments and dog walking, dealing with some of DD2's support needs - its certainly been a huge relief to have another adult with a driving licence on site so as to speak. Due to me being more unwell, he's moved into DD1's room whilst she's still at uni (reluctantly; as those who saw my post about him turning the lights on in my room at 1.30am will recall - after all, I must remember its his room, he's entitled).

Tangled webs eh.

DishingOutDone
I’m so sorry.
You HAVE to do what’s right for you, especially now with your health concerns. Things won’t get better and you won’t be able to carry him if his dementia ramps up? If dd is going to uni, so what if it’s then, she’ll be away, and it might be the best thing all round. H gone, dd2 out of the way of things and you, divorced and relieved!
I’ll keep my frost bitten toes crossed for you and put you in my prayers. Please speak to someone at Macmillan care, they have loads of things they can help you with and when you have the op, maybe your health conditions will in themselves be a route out of your marriage and home....I mean H won’t be of much practical use to you and you will be unable to carry on and carry him and his responsibilities.
Wait until you get the biopsy results. Then whichever way, start on the path to divorce while you are still strong enough to do so.

Nothing is insurmountable if you put yourself first ( for a change! )

solicitor had a meeting with some law society people, it was running late. I waited 50 mins then she called reception to say it would be better to cancel! That’s an hour of my life I won’t get anytime soon !🤣
But, somehow, I have this thought the delay is meant to happen.
So, I will reschedule.

Love and hugs xx

Hi, @Tiddleypops, so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I can only send you lots of love and strength. I am really sorry to hear that.
Hi, @DishingOutDone, I can't imagine how this delay to your operation is affecting you. I am seriously hoping the biopsy results are benign. Also really wishing you the happiness and peace of mind that you deserve.
Hi @user1486131602, you are so positive. I wonder if your solicitor knew you were already in the waiting room. That is really poor form but in the spirit of positivity, we trust that there is a good reason that that happened and it is all to your benefit.
@Borris, welcome back. So sorry to hear it has been a difficult time. STBXH told me he will defend the divorce etc, we would have to go to court. He was going to represent himself. He was being so antagonistic and a nightmare, frankly. I don't know what happened, he got a solicitor and he started singing a different tune. Give it time, he may soon feel like he needs a solicitor..Sorry you are having to deal with this.

Oh @DishingOutDone, I do not know what to say, you are carrying so much on your shoulders 😔
My inclination is the same as @user1486131602's. That you must do what is right for you and not keep waiting for this or that or the other phase to pass. You must reclaim your life.
I know it's not the same as living with an alcoholic, but there are a lot of parallel - we often talk in Al-anon how we become as sick as our environment and that when we choose to get better, those around us benefit from this and they get better too. Even if your DDs are initially against it, they will come round because life for everyone would improve.
I did the same, mustn't end my marriage while DSS was doing GCSE, must wait until XYZ was done. I lost those years, and only wish I'd done it sooner. The knock on is that DS is now older and more aware. If I'd done it 5 years ago, it would have all happened without him even knowing anything.

You are worth putting yourself first. Remind me, do you have other family who you could ask for help?

@user 😱 OMG your solicitor running late and just cancelling while you were waiting!! Yet another example of the poor attitude they seem to have. Perhaps though you are right. Something else may come to light before your next appointment, that otherwise you would not know or something. Hope you get seen soon x

@Itistimeandiamscared how are you?

Hi @Tiddleypops, thank you for asking. I am struggling a bit. Work, tiredness, worries, kids poorly, me poorly, then work...and then work again. I feel so low, so I think that's what is making everything feel more difficult than it is.. maybe.
I have not been able to initiate the financial bit if things mainly because I am physically and mentally drained. I also have stuff going on at work and I am waiting for the outcome.

I feel so directionless and just generally feel hopeless about the future. I should be back at counselling but have not found one yet. Don't even know when I will be able to meet up with the counsellor. There seems to be no time. I just feel so low and full of anxiety. I have lost my time management skills. I constantly want to be oblivious to my life so drown myself in telly programs every spare second I have.

On the other hand, DC are happy... like really happy and doing well at school and nursery. I seem to be able to get myself together for their stuff and play with them, love them, tease them, do fun stuff.
I seem to be able to put up a happy, tireless, efficient front for work but all the while, inside I am falling apart. And I can feel it. But I can't understand why. There is no reason why I should. I am moving on with my life and actually holding my own. My siblings are impressed with me and how I 'never even seemed to be knocked back'!!
I don't know. I am rambling now. I can't even tell anyone how I am feeling. Why worry them when there is nothing they can practically do... This is something I need to sort myself but I am lost.

We have a funeral next week.

Oh lovely @Itistimeandiamscared, I wish I could give you a big hug.
You have been firefighting for such a long long time, I am not at all surprised you feel like you do. Yes, you have been immensely strong, but you have been withstanding such a storm.
What is going on with the counselling? It sounds like you need someone in real life to listen to all you have been through, to share the load a little. It's a cliché but this too shall pass. You need to find yourself again x

How wonderful that your children are so happy, I am very glad to hear that