Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

Hi ladies
Hope everyone is well,?

Following on from the cheapest xmas food........Tesco have got a deal starting tomo!
29p for carrots, a cauliflower, parsnips, sprouts and 2.5kg of pots!! On until Boxing Day. So, get down there and buy them , they will wait in the fridge til you want to use them!! The still have their turkeys on offer too!

Be back later in the week, just busy tying up loose ends......

❤️🤗 to everyone!

Good luck this weekend ladies 💜
My H is actually working after over a year of being in the house 24/7 and it's such a relief. He'll be at work over the weekend. I've had some glimpses of my future life because he's out of the house sometimes when me and DS get home. I feel more connected to DS when H is not there sucking the energy out of me.

December makes my head swim, so much going on for DC, but half way through. I'm relieved to have dodged all the Christmas parties 😂

How is everyone doing?

That is great news @Tiddleypops , must be lovely to get just that little bit of time together.
How is the situation with your step daughter?

@user1486131602 thanks for tips will be buying some.

How are you all?

I have had unexpected household bill due to something deciding it is old and not going to work anymore. Had a part of it fixed but it looks like the bigger part will also need replacing 😕 .

Kids wanted me to take them to town so I can pay for presents for their best friends. I said no but compromised and will go to out of town retail park with cheaper options. Also cant face crowded town centre where we have to park over a mile away to park free.

More trouble with H this week. He is being verbally abusive again and trying to blame and guilt trip me for things that he is responsible for.

One of my parents has been very unwell but I managed to arrange crisis support from the doctors which took the pressure off. This was after however I had to leave work at lunchtime and sort them out. Now owe work hours.

Hello ladies

Been a bit busy this last week, solicitors, house agents, away for a birthday treat, omg! That’s another story! The xmas tree, presents food etc......
I have had 2 good news messages this week:

The housing/council have decided I can be rehoused, with them paying the costs.! Which is great news and a load off!
They have said if I want to private rent, it will be quicker and I will have a say in where and in what I am to be housed. Dads going to pay the deposit, then the council will pay him back and my rent!

And today I had a ‘ditigal chat’ with my daughter.
We have agreed that for us to move forward we both have to leave this mistake in the past.
So I’m seeing her xmas eve, only for a short while ( baby steps) and the in the new year we will make arrangements to start building together with no pressure.

I am very grateful for this chance, and consider it to be my xmas present from her.

I am equally grateful to know I ( and my son) will be housed and payment for that taken care off. My son doesn’t want to move out of the area, uni and friends. Etc. So, I may just be moving into another house in a new street, but same new Barrett build a few streets away.

I have had my fresh tree for 10 days and yesterday we put it up and decorated it, I wanted my daughter to help as is our tradition, but that wasn’t to be.
I have filed it under : “different but not difficult xmas”

So next yr, decade, I am looking forward to my new life and home, being able to have my kids around and making new traditions.

This yr has been catastrophic in so many ways for us all, but as hard as it has been, we are all still here surviving, and for me, I am so grateful.
It’s always darkest before the dawn, so I’m welcoming all changes and challenges in 2020 as a gift and a testament to my strength.

Solicitor has written to ExH to request his financials be completed by January 1 2020, and if no reply, then we will be requesting a court date and will not be entering into any more mediation.

I am putting house on market in January and hope to be settled soon after.
Isnt it funny how much you love someone and care, just don’t miss them?!

2020 is MY time to shine, grow, fix things for me! So, I am leaving this decade behind, forgiving anyone or anything for the things they have said or done to me, because me being bitter will only upset me it won’t change them!
I’m forgiving myself too for my mistakes in 2019.

2020 has a clean slate, and I don’t want a 2019 do over!

Love ❤️And hugs🤗
Xx

@user1486131602 that is great news. I am so glad you have good news to share especially with housing and your daughter. You sound in a much better place and positive.

So pleased you had a birthday treat. You deserve something nice so much.

Your positive vibes are encouraging. 🤗🤗🤗🤗

I like your thoughts on new year and new decade and new traditions and forgiveness and moving on. Sounds a good plan. It is time I moved on too. (Just hope h can as well). And we can make new traditions and build lives back up again.

My house will be going on the market at a similar time. I however have to buy a flat which will be easier said than done as choice will be very limited due to budget being bottom end of market.

Had a horrendous solicitors bill which wiped me out yesterday. The document from financial order is still missing, somewhere at the court. Which is delaying applying for absolute and mean more paperwork and expense.

Up and down situation with H. Kids hyped up for Christmas although I have been calming them rather than hyping them which is coming from other sources.

RoseMartha
Nice to hear from you.

I suppose the greatest lesson here is, to have faith in ourselves. Believe that things will be ok.

Sorry to hear about the solicitors bill. I’m very lucky to have been awarded legal aid, due to ex abuse.
I’m sure you will find somewhere. But it doesn’t have to be a palace, just a starting block for you and DC.

my birthday was different. My bestie took me away overnight on a groupon! my son was amazing, cup a tea in bed, present and a card, took me out for brunch/lunch bought me a birthday drink, helped me pick out a xmas tree,( not his favourite job!) and watched a xmas movie with me, also not a favourite !

I just wanted it to be different to the last few yrs, and it was!

My xmas wish is ‘different not difficult’
I even bought different colour decorations for my tree, I usually have white and silver, but this yr I have lots of pastels. Next year different will have passed and time for new traditions!

You can do the same. Just stop considering or thinking about ExH, do what’s right for you and ONLY you! I haven’t spoken or considered mine at all lately. And it has helped!

I’m envious for the DC being hyped, those are the things that cannot be bought and I miss.

I wish you a different not difficult Christmas and I hope new year brings you peace and joy, and the next decade.......that’s for you to choose!

❤️🤗🤶🏻🎄🎅🎄
,

Brilliant news all round from User. Glad that you are getting somewhere RoseMartha but shocked to hear about the solictor's bill. I am rather naively maybe hoping I can avoid that and do most of it DIY.

My operation date is still up in the air and my youngest DD's MH issues are still very much to the fore, lots of problems with her school as well she is struggling. We are all at home for the next 2 weeks just trying to keep his moods away from the DC as much as possible. I told him tonight we couldn't fill the tank of one car up with petrol as we are a bit short until pay day and the other car already has a full tank to which he sat with his head in his hands shouting NO NO NO over and over again. I told him to get a grip, but youngest DD said tonight she is scared as he seems so "confused". I told her he was not ill but just bloody selfish. But we both know what we are scared of - him being diagnosed with a MH issue or even dementia, before we can get away.

Yes definitely a new decade is a sobering thought, taking responsibility for our own happiness, if we can, its always a battle.

DishingOutDone
Reading your post made me think’ of me, last yr!
You can have the nickname ‘captain chaos’ for your hubby if you
Ike, he sounds just like mine was! Same reaction to anything that might mean he has to do something other than what he likes!

Apply said nickname to any situation involving him, see if it doesn’t make it easier ( in your mind) to cope!

I’m sorry to hear about your dd. Mine was suffering in the same way. However, since she’s left home, she sees EXH regularly, go figure?🤷‍♀️

Im Really wishing you both a peaceful time at xmas. Try talking a walk each day together, take time to chat things thru.

I hope this next year brings some respite for you.

So, merry xmas and a happy new year!

❤️🤗

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to check in mainly to wish everyone the very best for the next week or two.

@user1486131602, I'm so glad to hear your good news about the housing and your daughter. That sounds like a really positive way into the next decade and well deserved after all your hard work.

@DishingOutDone, I'm sorry to hear things are difficult right now, I hope you can look after yourself and your daughter and get some quality time together away from Captain chaos! Feeling your pain and wishing you strength and peace.

@RoseMartha, sounds like you are slowly but surely making progress despite everything stacked against you. You are doing so well- better than you think! I hope you and the kids find a way to enjoy Christmas together.

@Itistimeandiamscared, how are you? You are always giving to everyone else but I hope you get time to look after yourself too.

@Tiddleypops, I really hope you are doing ok at this difficult time of year - the booze is very hard to get away from. I hope you get some magical moments with your ds this Christmas whatever your H is doing.

@user1486131602, a different Christmas sounds good to me. It feels like a time for change and time to let go of my old life.

First mediation session out of the way. H played victim card and I totally fell for it again! But I am more determined to be on my guard at the next session. I am nervous about the next one and know H is trying to hide money away so I need to be strong.

Meanwhile I am trying to focus on myself and enjoying things that I can. I know it's a bit cheesy but I've started jotting down gratitudes and I really find there is a lot more to be grateful for than I could have imagined. My new years resolution last year was to not care so much what people thought of me and I spectacularly failed most of the year, but just in the last month or two I can see a chink of light.

Love to all ♥️

I'm on to say merry christmas to you all and lots of progress in 2020! Thanks to @Tiedupwithstrings for reminding me! Also Tiedup next time you are due to go to mediation tell us and we will remind you what he did this time! Once bitten eh? And keep working on that resolution.

@user1486131602 thank you! I will accept the gift of Captain Chaos, its a handy pseudonym for the master of strategic incompetence. And thankfully you don't need it any more.

So lots to move forward with, I hope everyone will enjoy time with their families that's what I make the most of, having both DDs here, seeing my cousin and Aunt, the dog! I never take for granted that moment when we are all together on Christmas day or whichever day will be your own "family" day, and you just think thank god or whatever it is you wish to thank. Love to all don't care if that's not ok on MN, and thanks for this thread keeping us all sane.

DishingOutDone:

Right back at you!

And merry Christmas (different or otherwise) to each of you wonderful, strong, capable women xx

Happy new year and decade, new beginnings for all of us.

Love and hugs ❤️🤗

Hi, everyone.
I have read and caught up with everyone. You all fill me with such love and pride.
You are all so strong, so encouraging to others even with your own difficulties.
Lots of good news going around, that has made me happy.

@user1486131602 for you.

@RoseMartha, sorry to hear about all these unexpected expenses. It is such an uncomfortable spot to be in, things will right themselves, though. Hang in there. How is your parent now?

@Tiddleypops, Yayyy!! He is back at work. Hope that is beneficial to you financially as well. Hope he starts contributing. Also very glad for you that you are getting some quality time with DS.

@DishingOutDone, I hear you. And I feel you. I can only encourage you to do it only when you feel ready (sometimes that decision gets made for us via other people's actions). I am rooting for you constantly. Things will work out. I hope your daughter gets better.

@Tiedupwithstrings, sorry about how mediation went. Good thing is you won't fall for that next time. You wrote such a lovely post.

I have been dealing with grief, heavy work load and family issues. It is completely draining me right now. I look forward to Annual leave which I have in 3 weeks. Can't wait. I am really tired and don't have a day off till then.
There has been so much to deal with.
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas. And a very lovely fresh start New year.

@user1486131602, I totally agree with 'different not difficult'. I love it.

🤗🤗🤗 Hugs everyone.
I hope Christmas goes 'ok' or better!

I'm feeling a bit weird really. We're all getting along OK, I think Christmas will be good I think. Even H is being less of a dick! I'm making an effort to be super friendly but maintain some boundaries. The atmosphere has lightened. There's a niggling thing niggling me and I can't put my finger quite on what it is. Part of me thinks that it is a feeling of being broken down and now ready to build myself back up, and that things are going to be so different in the next decade. It's a bit daunting. But good.

The drinking is on the up again. But he made an admission the other day, that when he stopped for a couple of weeks, the symptoms of his heart condition significantly improved!!! That's the first time I've heard him admit to that. He will change his story later. When he went back on the booze he claimed initially it was because stopping had made no difference. Honestly, I was once caught up in this upside down world where what comes out of his mouth changes with the setting. It would be me questioning MY sanity. It was insanity. But no more.

Love catching up. There is a lot of gratitude for the good stuff in these last few posts. That is a beautiful thing, to be grateful even in times of adversity. It could easily be wallowing and woe is me, but no. Nothing can keep us down. Feeling proud of us all!!

Merry Christmas
Bring on 2020, I'm so over 2019 🤣

Happy Christmas everyone. Xx

Thinking of you all 🤗🤗

@Itistimeandiamscared ty. parents better from recent scare but generally it has brought them down and now more needy.

@RoseMartha, I don't know how you do it. I admire you greatly.
I am glad they are better. It is scary being faced with your own vulnerability, yeah it could make one more needy.. I am glad they are well for Christmas.
You sound like a fantastic daughter

Happy New Year, everyone.
Wishing us all progress, happiness and a lot better this year.

Hope we have all been okay.

Happy New Year Everyone 💐

How are you all?

@Itistimeandiamscared. thank you

A few times during divorce proceedings H has insinuated he thinks I have been having an affair!!!! 🙄 As if I have time for that! And not only that I am not in a place where I could even consider meeting someone new. Too much hurt, too much baggage, would I be able to trust again, will he be another narc, will I be able to tell if he is etc 🙄 and although we have nisi we are still technically married.

I will never say never but I cant see myself wanting to find a new man for a long time.

Happy new year, decade everyone!
2020 is here, I’d like to share something with you, so that we can be grateful that we survived 2019, somehow.
Not for sadness, just gratitude xx.

My first post on Facebook of 2020.
‘Had some sad news this morning.
It has reminded me to be grateful for all the things I have survived this last year, with the love of my son and my true friends. Thank you ❤️
for those I hurt, I apologise
for those I left behind, go your own way
for those who hurt me, I forgive
2020 a new year for adventures
life is for living and giving love, not living for others and bitterness.
those you love hold close, forgive and accept.
They are still here to love ❤️
James RIP

James was my sons 18 yr old friend who took his own life last night.
I was going to bleet on about xmas and NYE, new beginnings etc. But for James life to mean something I think this is more poignant.

Please don’t think me rude, don’t post any platitudes, just take a moment look at your kids. xx

Hi, everyone.
This may seem really silly but I need some encouragement. Please build me up and reassure me.
I want to sign DC up for activities outside of school like swimming lessons.
They used to have quite a few activities before we moved but because of financial reasons I have not been able to do that here.

Now, I got given a little money for Christmas, it is enough to have DC attend one activity till May /June.
So I want to continue their swimming lessons but I feel cowardly to sign them up. I feel anxious that STBXH would view it as them building a life away from him.. he may see it as another thing making them being away from him a permanent thing. And I worry that it will make him try to take DC away from me. At the moment, he sees DC every other weekend and just over half of the holidays.
I don't think I am explaining myself properly.

I know I am being silly. The thing is, I want DC and I to start living again.
When we moved, it was all about unpacking and trying to settle into our new home, then it became adjusting to me working a normal work pattern again and DC attending their new schools, then it became settling into life here etc.
I feel like I am playing at running a home. It doesn't feel real sometimes.
I feel like we have been coasting, only existing not really living. So I want to join society again. I want us to have things to do outside school, work and the house.
Am I making sense?

I see getting DC to live a full life as one way of moving on and really having a life.

Please encourage me. Tell me why you think I should sign them up.
Tell me I am very right and I should not be worried or anxious how STBXH would react to it. Tell me why it should not matter how he reacts to it.

Feeling shaky.

@Itistimeandiamscared - Happy new year; you have come so far. How are things working out in the new place in terms of kids settling in and travel etc? All doable?

With regard to the kids activities - if ex reacts badly he's just continuing to abuse you, its yet another tool for the tool isn't it. What man in his right mind would object to his kids having swimming lessons? He's not exactly one to negotiate a compromise though is he. Is swimming on the Saturday morning? So for example on "his" weekend they could go swimming, get showered etc and then head off to his place - something like that? Your DCs really DO need a life built away from his influence, they need to be normal and spend time with kids their own age - its really important for their development. HTH - don't blame you for feeling shaky. BTW do I recall you telling me you didn't have any contact order in place? What happened with the car?

I wonder if you are suffering from PTSD due to the way you've had to live - had that crossed your mind too?

Hi, @DishingOutDone, many thanks for your post.
It is not that STBXH does not want them to go swimming, it is just that he feels they should be building a life with him and not with me.
I did gather up my courage and signed DC up for swimming lessons. When I told DC, they were estatic. I didn't realise they had been wanting/missing their extra curricular activities. I feel quite proud of myself actually that I did it. It seems such a little thing but it is a big step for me.
No, no contact order in place.
I asked him to take the car. Which he did. He came and collected it.
A week later, he said that he does not know why I asked him to take the car, he then returned it with terms and conditions I had to agree to. One of the terms was that he would be taking it back after a couple of months - which is this week.
I really appreciated your post. It helped boost my confidence... Thank you.
How are things with you? How are you?

Hi all - HNY Hope we are all surviving.

@user1486131602 Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear that. You are so right, something so dreadful and tragic really does focus the mind on looking for the positives and letting go of the things we cannot change. I hope your DS is coping ok. I lost a boyfriend to suicide and the guilt lived in me for many years, it was a gnawing non-specific guilt if you see what I mean. I think it probably is one of the reasons I had such so low self esteem that I ended up marrying a tosser.

But, the past is in the past, it is not something I dwell on now.

@Itistimeandiamscared I SOOO relate to that. I get the shakes literally every time I have to make arrangements with my son to do anything. I put off telling H until it becomes even more of a big deal to tell him! I am currently kind of putting off a conversation about DS starting cubs. I cannot quite put my finger on what it is, but yes, there is something in my H's reaction that is what you have described - like how dare I have a mind and make an arrangement for anything that is outside of my H's very closed up isolated little world. I am glad you went ahead anyway, you are one brave lady

How are you @DishingOutDone?

Things have been very stressful here. I was taken very ill with a brain thing over Christmas and New Year. I could not see for 10 days. The doctors have yet to get to the bottom of it, but have, thank goodness, ruled out a brain tumor. The symptoms have almost gone now, so I am hoping that it was something viral or even just one of those things that they will never quite pin down. It was so terrifying though. All I could think is, I cannot die and leave my DS with this horrible man.

I have made an appointment to sort my will out in the next few weeks. I will include details of someone to be DS's guardian until he's 18. I think it can be contested and not necessarily honoured (at the end of the day, I could say I wish for Mr Tumble to become his guardian - doesn't mean it would happen ), but I can flag H's drinking as my reason and it would at least have to be considered.

I am will also make sure that everything goes to my DS and that there is no backdoor route for H to 'look after' any money I would leave (he could piss it all away).

Meanwhile - it HAS forced me to put my needs higher up the list. I think this is a positive! I shall try to take it as a lesson. I am taking a little more time to just sit and be in the moment.

As far as the divorce goes... well... there is no longer anything on the horizon, Nisi is done, absolute could be applied for whenever it is deemed sensible to do so, Christmas is out the way, financial offer is in..... and has been since November. It is being completely ignored. I do not know if this is him burying his head in the sand, if it's his solicitor being slow (she is slow, but this is taking the piss), or if it's tactical... H does not have a permanent job anymore. Once the finances are agreed, he will be on a time limit to stay under my roof free of charge. He will not be able to rent without a permanent job I don't imagine?

So - not sure really what to do? If I applied to the absolute, then we would be divorced and he really would be a total freeloader from that point - so i wonder if I could or should do that? I am waiting on my solicitor for some more advice. Totally fed up....

So so sorry for the essay!!!

What a Christmas eh? Sorry to hear everything that is going on but first of all apologies to @user1486131602 - I am so sorry i didn't see your post about your son's friend, that's devastating, his parents must be destroyed. I agree with @Tiddleypops it is a very hard thing to be the friend in that situation too as your son will be turning it over in his mind. Take care of him, and yourself. So sad.

@Itistimeandiamscared - he's going to use that car over and over again isn't it, what a dick. But you knew that. Glad the DCs are back at swimming!

@Tiddleypops - fuck!! That sounds awful!! Who looked after your son whilst you were ill - did your STBexH step up at all? and how are you now? You must have been so scared.

Well I can certainly appreciate that as I am now waiting on one of those 2 week cancer referrals, I should be seen by 30th, I had bleeding and stomach pain since November but got worse over Christmas. So it was not ideal - we got through it. H has been ok, not entirely sympathetic but just about ok. He hates me being ill as it takes the spotlight off him - but my mum died when I was 13, of cancer, she was 54 herself at the time, I'm late 50s now. I was left alone with an alcoholic father and the more I look back, the older I get, I cannot believe how we lived it was like something out of a documentary. Anyway will spare you details.

My H always talks about things being a "self fulfilling prophecy" - so I have always worried about dying young and leaving the girls, obviously I have seen that happen, and the thought of leaving my youngest DD with him, not an alcoholic but a narcissist, alone in this house with him with no other family as such (apart from older DD at uni)- that's horribly close to what happened to me. Having spent so many years worrying about it (I've had a leaflet from the child bereavement charity Winston's Wish in my desk drawer for 18 years) and not looking after my health at all, it almost feels like I've "made" it happen. then of course I still have the operation on the cards that I have been waiting a year for. If the cancer scare comes to nothing as I am hopeful/sure it will, then there is still that to get through before I can finally tell him we need to sell up and split. So balls in the air as they say.

Timing, as ever, is a big issue. I am thinking now even if I tell him after the operation (May?) then we try to sell by Christmas, the chances of it all coming together, splitting, selling, agreeing financials etc and being in a new house by Christmas, well, must be zero -particularly when he finds out I want a large share of the equity to offset his pension. Youngest dd is in year 12 so by Christmas she will be doing mocks - do you really want to be doing a levels whilst moving with your parents at loggerheads? Youngest DD has MH issues and can't stand any confrontation; she's the one who keeps asking me when we are leaving to get away from him.

Ha! My turn for an essay there!

How are @Tiedupwithstrings and @RoseMartha - long time no update?

Hello ladies.
Happy new decade everyone!

I’m sorry I haven’t posted earlier.
Tiddleypops
I’m so sorry to hear your news. I wish you the very best of care and a positive outcome.
Please call Macmillan trust, they can offer you so much help and advice while you are waiting. That will help put your mind at ease.

And stop worrying about ExH, he will have to find his win way, just as you have been forced to find yours, put you in my Prayers xx

Itsmeandimscared
And the same to you.
I don’t believe this has anything to do with a ‘self fulfilling prophecy’ only a self centred narcissistic tosser would think that, let alone say it. Why don’t you sell the bloody car, and get one of your own! It’s the time to worry about yourself. You can’t fix this, so deal with it one day at a time. You too, should call macmillan trust, they have so much help to offer. I’ll put you in my prayers also.

RoseMartha and tiedupwithstrings I hope that you have had a better start to this new year.

Thank you all for your kind words about James, it has since come to light that the poor kid stepped out in front of a speeding train.....I cannot begin to understand how conflicted he must have been, how much courage that took, just to not wake up in the morning.

My son knows he couldnt have stopped it nor is it his fault, but he’s still sad and that’s good. Grieve.
I have had some minor moans and grinding my teeth at night, anxiety so bad I can’t sleep, my skeleton aching, all of it! So, it turns out that it was the HRT they gave me....not all medicine cures!!
It was so bad my back was hurting the meds they gave me made me vomit......blah blah! Anyway, I even bought new sofas ( on buy now pay later! ) thinking it was because they knackered, I was hurting 😀

Here’s a little giggle for you all!
My son, good as he is, is a little bit lazy...as teenage boys are......but aspiring to new heights he hadn’t emptied the garden waste bin in months , I last mowed the grass in Oct and it was emitting a rather pungent smell, think cow shit!
So, being as it was a new year I decided, sod this I’ll do it myself, and put out the xmas bin bags he’d left round by the gate as well!!
So the bloody smelly cow shit bin, tips covering me in eau de moo, all over my feet and new trainers, so I sweep up, bleach the pavement etc, nice and clean ....no stench, bonus! Id taken said stinking trainers and left on top of dustbin so I could clear things away and not walk said cow shit stink into my lounge, ran into house into downstairs loo, undressed put things in washer, had a shower, made tea....etc.
Morning comes round, time for the dog walk..........🤔hmm where have I left my trainers me thinks?!

Oh! Shit! The bin Men have been And.......🙈😮😂🤣😮
And you thought you have problems! I gotta wear flip flops to walk the dog and it’s winter!🤯😮😂🤣🙈🤷‍♀️

Hope it gives you a little lift, my son but peed himself when I told him!
Love ❤️ And hugs 🤗