Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (3)

[Itistimeandiamscared]

Hi, all.
I thought I should get our new thread sorted.
How was everyone's day today?

I lost a family member today. So suddenly.
She was taken to hospital this afternoon after several calls to the ambulance and it was deemed a non-emergency so they declined to attend.
Once she got to A&E, they were kept waiting. A&E is terrible at this time of the year.
Her DH kept calling for help but did not receive any.
Sometime later, he called out that it seems she had stopped breathing. She was then rushed to ITU and put on life support. One hour later, the machine was switched off.
I am in shock.
So suddenly.
Three kids left behind (9,9,12). I can still hear them crying when they were told.

Jesus @Itistimeandiamscared that is appalling - do you know what caused her to be ill in the first place? I know you must be turning this over and over in your mind thinking what those kids and their dad are going through. Beyond words really.

When you hear of things like that it reminds you to live as well as you can, because you never know what might happen.

@DishingOutDone, thank you. It feels like one is in a bottomless pit and one is yet to hit the bottom. Her death was so sudden. This morning waking up to realise the nightmare is real. I am going to see the Kids and her DH tomorrow. I am scared stiff. How can I make it better? What can I say that would be right... be helpful? How can I make the children feel supported and not alone?

@DishingOutDone, you are so right, it reminds one to live life to the fullest.
It has made me think a lot.
If something were to happen to me or STBXH like that, I wouldn't want the last thing to be arguing about a car. I would not want that to be the history DC remember or are told.

I think I would just let him have the car. DC and I will manage until I get another. Life is short.

Oh no please dont give in on the car (unless you feel you just can fight any more, we all know that feeling) - what I meant was I think we owe it to our friends who have lost their lives not to be held back ourselves you know? My best friends both died purely by coincidence about 3 years apart, and my mum died when I was young (all about the same age actually) - so I often think what would they say to me about saying with my abusive H. Your friend would have wanted you to be free of him and stay strong as ever.

I've never had to see children who have lost their mum, apart from me, I was 13. I would have liked someone to talk about it matter of fact and allow or encourage me to talk. I found all the adults involved were very embarrassed as they didn't know what to say; at the funeral they stared at me as I moved from room to room and I could hear them talking about me as I passed, whispering about how I was taking it etc. I also read on here someone found it helpful that her mum's friends said to her "people will always be here for you to take care of you for your mum". Do you have any photos of her they might not have seen that you could take or copy for them?

Many children find it helpful to be very involved in planning the funeral - I hope the DH is up to allowing them to do that, bereft as he must be. So much of how they cope with this depends on him when he is grieving himself. Do they have other family to help?

Finally I would definitely recommend a bereavement service for the children - Winston's Wish, or some areas have local services. I wish something like that had been around for me, it was long ago and far away, but I still feel it most days, 44 years later.

" ... what would they say to me about staying" that should read (doh)

Thank you, @DishingOutDone, so sorry for your loss and the little child you were then. Much love xxxx.
Thank you so much for your lovely insight and your great ideas.
She was family. And a very close one at that. I can't help thinking hope she knew we would be there for her kids.

Oh my goodness @Itistimeandiamscared, I am so so sorry to hear that. I can imagine you feel so helpless.
I don't know if it is useful, but, just to echo what @DishingOutDone has said, I think the best you can do for the DC is be there and listen. Answer questions very simply and honestly without lots of detail. I have been listening to some podcasts about helping children deal with trauma literally in the last few days and it seems to come up a lot that the best help you can be is to be open, ready to listen any time. That children are very literal so if they are asking a question or making a comment, then that is literally all they want to know, so keep the response short and on the point. If they want to say more, they will.
You can't fix this for them or make it better as much as you just feel very desperate to do so. It all sounds so sudden and scary. Thinking of you xx

DishingOutDone, I am so sorry to hear you lost your mum while you were so young

@Itistimeandiamscared, I'm so sorry to hear that. It's great that you can be there to help support the family. I'm sure they know you care about them and that must be a real comfort. Take care of yourself too. 💐

Thanks for setting up this new thread. Hope everyone else is doing ok.

How are you doing @Itistimeandiamscared How are the family doing?

What about everyone else?
We are entering the festive period and I have never felt less festive. This time last year, I had just started divorce proceedings, and thought I'd just get through this one last Christmas together, but here we are again and things are much worse!
BUT DS is obviously excited and I'll do the best I can for him. It's only a few weeks and Christmas itself is just a day. 2020 things will change, surely 😂

I'm skint and no one really gets how much this stuff rinses you out, do they? In one breath I'm telling my dad I'm reducing the present budget this year, and I'd like everyone to spend less on me/DS because I can't match it. He seems to get that.
Yet the next he's talking about nipping out for something to eat next week when I pop to see him...
No! I can't afford to pop out for food, I can't afford to get my car serviced, I can't afford to go on my work Christmas lunch, I can't afford all that comes with Christmas. DS will not care for the money being spent, as long as we are together. I am actually looking forward to a frugal Christmas, I'm going to put my focus into the most valuable things like spending time with DS and other family, but other people do not get it and that's annoying me!
My H has lived under my roof and not paid a penny towards bills for almost a year, or bought/contributed anything for DS. Not one thing. Every penny goes on essentials.

Sorry, I know I shouldn't moan, really I shouldn't, it's about other people more than me so I should just detach. I am doing better than most in my situation and I am hugely thankful that I'll keep my house. Time to try and reset the brain into positive and thankful mode and spread it to others perhaps!

Thanks @Tiddleypops, it has been a very trying time.
I heard the husband's version of what happened. It is even worse than I heard initially. I had my brothers, cousins.. grown men all just broken down and crying, sobbing. Really full on sobbing. My sisters, nieces, cousins all crying.
I can't explain it. I found myself unable to cry, all I could think was if I cried too, who would help everybody. I had to be strong. I honestly had no idea how it happened but I hugged, cuddled, consoled, kept tea coming, keeping speaking and building them up, I cooked over and over. luckily I had spent the night before cooking loads of stuff and I went down to theirs with that. I only had to cook a few things running out.
Visitors coming crying...
I also felt very bad because this my family member was very maternal but private. I found myself worrying that she will be upset because I was going through her cupboards and stuff to find where plates, pots, cups, salt, soap, cleaning things where.
A brother of mine, myself and DC1 (inset day) vacuumed, cleaned, tidied, did washing etc. Practical stuff.
I got back home early this morning. The family are all at my sister's now. They will be there for the weekend. It would be good for the DC to be with other children.

@Tiddleypops, I am like you. I have not been looking forward to Christmas per se because I am working from 23 to 26th, things are very tight financially and DC at theirs Dad's for Christmas. But will be celebrating Christmas on 27th or 28th.

I had hoped that by December this year the divorce will be through, child arrangement will be sorted and their would be clarity, finances would be stable and I can move on with life.
But the reality is very different.
I have decided to move on with life anyway. And now with the loss of my family, I feel excited for Christmas. I have so many ideas buzzing through my head about how I will make this Christmas a very fun one for All the kids in the family that will be around.
It is going to be great.
If anyone has any ideas, I would be most grateful. Ideas that have very very little or no cost.
Thank you everyone for your support.

Please ignore all my typo errors.

How is everyone?

Sending you all lots of strength and love.
Wishing us all a good weekend.

Thats a very touching and positive update from you both - you are both coping with so much and yet are so positive.

@Tiddleypops - I can't believe your H has lived with you for a year and refused to go or contribute. Does he have money that he keeps to himself? What will happen on Christmas day, surely he's not going to sit there with you and DS? Did you mention he has a DSD is she coming over too?

@Itistimeandiamscared it sounds like the family that have lost their mum have some amazing support and you have been brilliant. And I see that your twat of an ex is having the kids for christmas he's a lucky man bearing in mind what an arsehole he's been. Is the car thing still rumbling on?

Thank you both for what you said about my mum and what happened. I was sitting this morning thinking this may be our last Christmas in this house, course H doesn't know that, he still thinks he's a great H who is simply misunderstood and unappreciated after all that he's done for me ...! This was after he tried to drive off with my car door open last week screaming at me WHY ARE YOU SO SLOW!! Driving off with the car doors open is one of his things, and yes I do know its a big red flag

I've heard today that had I chosen a different hospital (I was given a big list all over England to choose from) I would have had my operation this summer, removing the final obstacle to my telling him to go. I've now been waiting a year and my health has deteriorated so much in that time that I am limited in what I can do and reliant on H for things like lifting heavy things and tasks where I have to stand for more than a few minutes - so an even bigger obstacle if that makes sense. Its not because there is a long waiting list, I could understand that - no its because the hospital kept getting my papers mixed up and sent me to the wrong departments for unnecessary tests. Due to see surgeon again on 18th and will decide after that whether to continue there or try to get the referral re-done to a new hospital. If I have to wait more than 2-3 months I will simply have to cope alone; I can't keep waiting for all these things to "get better". Younger DD is now much more independent and no so reliant on being driven everywhere, and her MH is more or less stable, she's in year 12 so here is our only window so as to speak, I don't want to be doing this during her final A level year. My creep towards it being the "right" time occupies my mind - as you may have noticed!!

Anyway ladies, as you say, Christmas first, lets make it as good as we possibly can. I will have my DCs and that's the main thing for all of us.

@Itistimeandiamscared it sounds like you did a wonderful job of looking after everyone. I think that is exactly what they needed. I'm glad DC will be with other children this weekend. Everything must feel very strange.

Yes agreed, ideas for cheap or free things to do! I think we'll be playing a lot of board games over actual Christmas. And going for walks and things.

@DishingOutDone he has been on half (sick) pay for most of the year. And he has always been crazy with money. Everything else is more important than the house and DC. "I must have a large manly vehicle to drive, it's very important to me" (along with massive loan, maintenance costs, high fuel bills). He has run up debts on credit cards and has large repayments.
He also spends compulsively and recklessly. I genuinely think he's got himself in a mess financially. He has just returned to working, so we'll see how that goes.

@Dishing that thing with the car sounds dangerous. It's rubbish that you have to put up with such unreasonable aggressive and abusive behaviour. The time will be right soon and you'll know I do hope that the hospitals sort things out, they are in such a mess admin wise and it causes so much additional stress and waiting. Wishing you a positive result on the 18th x

@DishingOutDone, so sorry about all the hospital mix-up. Like @Tiddleypops said, the hospital admin is in utter choas. It really needs an overhaul.
I have my fingers crossed for your 18th Dec appointment, hope everything goes well and you don't have to wait so long to have your surgery.
I am horrified at the driving with the door open thing. I am like.. What?!
Hmmmm..... Please, look after yourself. And do have a lovely Christmas.

@Tiddleypops, I totally know what it has been like for you with your H not contributing towards anything for the past year. It does not matter whether you can cope financially without him, the message that it passes - is very damaging and is a lot to deal with psychologically and emotionally.
I really wish you the most lovely Christmas.

Hi ladies I did post in the week, but, it doesn’t seem to be here!
Omg! What a week!
I’m sorry for your losses, each of you xx

I too thought that last Christmas would be the worst. I was wrong.
ExH sitting pretty at mummy’s, daughter with boyfs mum, me and son struggling alone.

So, I have decided that Christmas will be different this year, not difficult, different.
I am accepting every offer of help, no matter how small:
I am going to my friends for lunch, between you and me, my idea of hell, 15 people crammed around a table, and xmas lunch that has been microwaved, nevertheless, her invite was from the heart, so we are going!
ExH is expecting me to drop our kids to his mothers on Boxing Day as he will be over the limit to drive! Not happening!
I will be visiting my dad so I won’t be available!

Now, on to your christmasses!
Can I offer up a solution that worked for us as a family when my parents divorced, yes, back in the Middle Ages!
We, as kids, would have 2 xmases! One spent with my mum as she has no siblings, then on New yrs day, another with dad and 2nd wife!

Then the next year rotate. We never complained, we were getting 2 off everything!

Christmas doesn’t have to Cost a fortune. I’m going to Tesco today, they have a medium turkey, 8-10 people for £12. There are always offers on veg at Asda, 3for a £1. And on the plus side, none of us have to do the family lunch thing. So make it what you can afford!
Tiddleypops:
I know how hard the financial position is, mine is/was similar. He’s only fooling himself, the courts will adjust your settlement.
DishingOutDone:
I was Ona repeat cycle of what your going thru for most of my marriage, worked fine, just about back on course financially, then sick again for another yr! Jesus, it breaks your spirit.
Same for you, the courts will see his financial contributions!
Itsmeandimscared
All you can do is listen and love. Kids won’t remember the details just they had someone who listened and cared.

Take care of yourself too, being numb is a protection device, but no one can live like that ( says the woman who did for 5 yrs +) indefinitely.

So, how about we have a little xmas competition, friendly, of course?!
Who can find the cheapest things for lunch, and we will each inform the others?

Now, each yr as a form of gratitude, I have always donated £25 to a charity. This year I’d like to help one or even two of you, let me know what you think.

And this week, I have spent the time gathering proof of my claims in what I have coursely called “operation coverass”. I am not going after anybody or anything, but, should ExH start any crap, I’ll be putting my proof on the table to defend myself. I’m feeling like it time to stand up for myself, not attack, just stand strong.
I have been to the solicitor and have put forward my financials and am putting house on market, at least it feels like I’m in control!
She told me ExH has made contact since July, so all the threats are just hot air!

I don’t know if this will help any of you but here goes:

Do you know you can apply for warm home discount if you get benefits, it’s £140 credited to your gas or electric account. You have to apply, check your suppliers website.

Do you know that if you are struggling with no financial means of paying a gas/electric debt you can apply to the company for a special tariff. And even to their trusts to write the debt off? Look on their website. Lastly, other non essential debts can be written off if you have mental health problems, alcohol anon might be able to help, if not MIND charity can. Look up that info on moneysavingexpert.com
I have just had my £140 electric credit, and a £500 bill for gas written off. That means I have an extra £160 this month, so there’s xmas paid for!
I’m off to Tesco! I hope this has helped you see that it’s not all bad news. And if we help and support each other we will be ok!

Oh! And why the new thread?

Love ❤️And hugs🤗 ladies

Oh @user1486131602, you have just made me smile widely. You have got me feeling all emotional and I am sending you a lot of love.
I admire your strength and spirit.

Thank you for all the very useful tips. Really helpful.
You will have a lovely Christmas.
We will all have a lovely Christmas.

Itsmeandimscared
I’m glad I lifted your spirits, helping others lifts mine!
So, when I got to Tesco the Medium turkeys were more bone than bird! So, I bought a small on 1lb less 8n weight, more meat, cost £9! Happy days that will do for me and my son, won’t be home most of the holidays, just needed something!

Sprouts, carrots and pots 49p.....bought a turkey leg joint for £3, guess what we’re having!!🦃😂🙄
And I’ve bribed my son into eating veg, with the promise of turkey curry tomo, sprouts an all!

And a penny dropped, on my head, this morning. It’s the end of 2019 and the beginning of a new decade!! What a time to start new beginnings,
I’m feeling full of promise, for a change!😮🙄

For each of us Christmas will not be usual, it maybe it’s t8me for new traditions?! 🎄🎄

🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗.

For everyone. You are amazing ladies and have come a long way. It is a difficult road and each step takes you closer to the end.

The financial burden of divorcee is crippling. I sold some personal possessions to pay for Christmas presents and anticipate a solicitors bill before Christmas. 😕 my boss forgot to pay me at the end of last week and I had to ask to be paid today which I just felt awkward about. He paid me thank goodness and applogised.

Hi @RoseMartha, I am having to sell personal possessions too. Not easy selling as I am using websites and they are flooded with people also doing similar. I would love to do a front yard sale but the weather is just not conducive.

I am still trying to imagine how your boss could forget to pay you!! Thank goodness he has now.

How are you? How are DC? And your parents? Hope you are having a good week.

Hello everyone. Hope you are having a good week.

Ladies,
I know it’s hard, but as I’m down the road a bit from you..I can offer my experiences!

I too had to sell lots of jewellery and gold coins that had been an inheritance, but the way I see it is: there’s no point in having those sat in a drawer when I can’t afford the house the drawer has to sit in! If that makes sense!🙄

Those are just things. You are incredibly lucky to have been able to keep your children.
I lost mine, and would trade ALL of my possessions for the return of my daughter.
As I had put on my last post, Christmas won’t be usual for any of us this yr, so we have to adapt again, Christmas will be different that’s all. If you can try accepting that: then it shouldn’t be too difficult.

My house is being valued and put on the market next wk. So, after xmas I could have nowhere to live. The council haven’t come back to me, checked with WA aid today and I have been classed as medium in need! So, once again, I’m having to prove the abuse, divorce, medical conditions as somebody hasn’t done their job correctly or on time!
Even that, is not going to knock me back.
I’m going to prove it again and tell myself it’s for me this time, things will work out.

Just been to the drs, and the receptionist said, he’s been in to get his meds, and what an arse! He’s just so cheesy!
So, the tide is turning.
And this old bird is rising!

Love to you all, please don’t worry too much, just do what you can. You and your dc will be together at Christmas and that’s much more valuable than who had what from Santa xx
❤️🤗

I agree with so much of what you have said @user1486131602.
I've sold a few things too - but they really are just 'things'. Much of it has only been a few quid, but done in a batch it was easier and collectively enough to buy something for DS. (Plus it's recycling, great for the environment ). He's also desperate for a few clothing items so they will be coming from Santa to bulk up on the present count!

Other family members have been very good about respecting my strict lowered present budget, and that feels like a big pressure off. I've been invited on a few Christmas outings, school mums, work lunch etc, which I can't afford to do, but then my running group said they were doing an evening packing Christmas food parcels at the food bank, so I will go to that - it will be a great atmosphere and giving something back is much more in the spirit of how I feel right now

We can only do what we can do. I was just reflecting earlier that this time last year I was spiritually and emotionally broken, but now I feel like I'm growing in those respects. That only comes from adversity.

Also, I found out today I have been awarded a pay rise. It should go a long way towards covering the increase in mortgage repayments which will happen when I extend the mortgage to buy out H.

Hi, everyone.
How are we all?

Hi @Itistimeandiamscared how r u?

@user1486131602 how is it going? With the house?

I have to put house on the market as well. H told me earlier in week to do it new year. I then get letter from his solicitor they want valuations before Christmas to go on market in new year immediately. Been rushing about ringing estate agents and booking appointments. Worried abt where we will live too, i desperately need a two bed flat but choice is so limited. 😕😕😕 sending you lots of 🤗🤗🤗 .

@Tiddleypops the volunteering thing sounds a great idea. Dc are having some clothes from extended family too. They are not keen on clothes as gifts but needs must. I have also had to buy one of them second hand trainers but they look new. Just were not much over a tenner.

I have had problems with divorce moving forward as court made a mistake with financial and some docs had to be re sent. Which is going to delay absolute.

Meanwhile H is being sneakily manipulative again and I am having to haul myself out the trap again. Which I am cross with myself about.

Hello all, little to report, just looking at all you are coping with and thinking I couldn't do that (I suppose I would if I had to)

@Tiddleypopsare and I on another thread where women are trapped in their homes with Ex whilst they try to divorce, or even those who haven't tried to divorce because they can't afford anywhere else so they feel their situation is hopeless. I think mine is a triumph of hope over experience, I still think most of the time that provided he doesn't do anything to me once I tell him, it might just be possible. I am still thinking to get a small loan and give it to him to get a rental and then repay that from the equity (with him making the repayments in the meantime)

Hi ladies

So, I had house valued £20k more on it than I thought, so, I might get out of here debt free! No real money, but no debts! Woohoo!

Then this morning had the TC decision!

They have awarded her the money from NOV 1 and not 8 SEPT, I’m more than happy with that! I don’t owe them anything either!

No more money for daughter, buts she’s not here and that’s the law.

RoseMartha:
I’m doing really well thanks. Seem to, have turned a corner!
I think you are still under the ExH control a little, rushing around getting valuations and putting house on market! Don’t you realise, it’s YOUR house as well, you can do it in your own time, not when he demands!
Try to think of yourself more. Please.

DishingOutDone
Do not get a loan to get him out, he won’t pay it and you’ll end up with more debt on paper, leaving you less equity! Time to feather your nest, not his!

I understand you want him gone, but you have consider yourself first.
I’m sorry that you’re stuck, but things will change. Xx

Itsmeandimscared
Hows things?

Tiddleypops?

So, today I’m getting my tree, putting up decorations and wrapping presents. Not too many this year, but I’m grateful for that. Tired of getting presents for people who have no love for me and then receiving rubbish or nothing in return yr after yr.
So, Christmas this yr will be different, not difficult!
❤️🤗

@DishingOutDone that is hard. I know because that was me for over 18 months. Sending you a 🤗

@user1486131602 glad it was valued higher. Glad you are ok

I know he has been controlling this week. The reason I agreed to get valuations was because it was cheaper to agree than pay for additional solicitors letters. And it wont be on the market until the new year.

He had kids yesterday. Didnt supervise them properly on the internet choosing to be on his phone and I had to sort out the mess!