Just can't believe this is my life

[Shinsplints]

Separated from DH 4 days ago. Together 19 years married for 9 with 7 year old DS. Have a business and house together. He had an emotional affair (& sexting) and fell in love with OW over a period of about 4-5 months during a rocky phase in our relationship (I admit my part in this, it was not all him but both of us that led to the rocky phase). I never saw it coming and thought we could works things out with professional help (even when I found out about the EA I was willing to try to forgive him and fix things) but we never got that far, he was too infatuated with OW to even try and now they have started a relationship. I'm heartbroken, lost and terrified. Trying to sleep but can't get images of him and his OW out of my head along with panics about the finances, what I will do for a job...everything. He has fucked up our family life, my life and our son's life and he didn't even try to fix things. The person I trusted and loved most in the world has walked away. He's like another person now. I'm just posting because I can't sleep and need a hand hold. Why is it always so much worse at night? I have never felt such agonising pain and never thought we would end up like this. I can't believe this is my life. It is like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

It is early days.
Your childrens lives are not ruined.

One day at a time. I promise you that one day you'll be grateful you went through this.

please take a step back! You life is not over, you can do this! I am so sorry you are hurting, time heals and things change I have been through some of the most devastating things ever!

You can do this stay strong your kids need you, post if you need help again please x

Ohhh hun I'm so sorry to hear that. I was where you are now 7 years ago... ex husband of 12 years left me for his ex girlfriend. I had no job, he cleared the bank account, tried to sell our house behind my back, told that I could starve with our daughter. Never knew pain like that... fast forward 7 years I'm married with an amazing man, have another 2 kids, a job, a beautiful house. But even when I was alone I tried my best to focus on everything I wanted my life to be.
Things will work out. Take your time to heal... but the pain will pass. I promise you

Thank you for the support, I really appreciate every word Sometimes during the day I feel strong, like I can do this, but at night I find the battle inside my head is just too much. I really hope I'll look back on this one day and think it was for the best...i just feel so far away from that point right now. Part of me wishes he would beg for my forgiveness and we'd try again but I know that it probably would not work now even if he wanted to (he doesn't). I'm going to try again to get some sleep. Thanks again for the kind words and support.

If you can’t sleep, get up and do something. Make a cup of tea, eat (because I bet you’ve not been eating), clean, go through your paperwork and put a file together of stuff you’ll need. Include any evidence of hispay, pension, etc. You will need this for the solicitors appointment you should make first thing Monday (if you haven’t already.

I remember that pain so vividly. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Make sure you have friends and/or family to lean on. He is not your friend.
3+ years ago I posted a very similar story. If your insomnia is really bad you can search my username. Unfortunately my story is not unique. But it does mean we’re not alone. And we survive. And you will to

Sorry for typos. I’m also tired but not sleeping.

It is early days and your life has been turned upside down. The betrayal and pain you feel is unbearable right now. But you know this will pass. You don't want a man like that in your life.

It is all the unknowns. Work/money/house etc. Your dc will adjust too.

Get legal advice
Put in a claim for benefit
See your gp for support. Look around for local charities that offer counselling. This will give you a safe place to rant. And get your thoughts in order.
Cms for child support. Don't compromise on this one. Long term it is better they handle this
Contract. Agree set day/time for ex to see dc. Then everyone knows where they stand
And go as low contact as you can. I do know how very hard that is. But he is no longer your friend.

Time to take some control. Start packing up his stuff and store it away in a spare room. Or garage. Move things around at home. But new sheets and make some small changes.

Gather people around you. I know it is going round your head so you
Need to get it all out. So keep talking.

Just go Day by day. It does get easier.

I was feeling exactly like this a year ago
It’s bloody horrible and the first week I was just on autopilot
Make use of family and friends - they want to help
Apply for universal credit immediately because the claim is from the day you first claim not when he left
You’ll survive this because you have to - you have a child who depends on you
You’ll find a strength soon that you didn’t even know you had
Unfortunately this story is not unique on here - but it’s actually helpful to know that others are in the same situation and the support you will get on here will be so helpful
Huge hugs to you - and rest assured that you will learn to sleep again xx

4 Days!!! OP you're still in shock and you're going to cycle between a kind of seething calm and resolve followed by extreme anxiety and emotional pain - and then back again....... in short, you've been traumatised. But it will gradually cease to feel like this and things will begin to even out.

As @onitlikeacarbonnet says, he's no longer your friend even if he's not (and may never be) your sworn enemy so you would do yourself a big favour by acting now to protect yourself legally and financially. That'll help you to show him realise you can survive and thrive without him.

Talk to people. Write things down (not to him). Go low contact if possible. I'd avoid any post mortem type of conversations with him. You don't need to hear all the lame excuses and not so subtle blame shifting.

8.5 years on here. Life is infinitely better than I could've believed possible.

Thank you all for your advice and support. It's good to know others have pulled through from similar situations and are happier now. I'm so sad, I didn't want this

Yes @BikeTart I'm cycling through all these emotions constantly throughout the day & night. I am totally traumatised. It's exhausting. I am trying to look after myself, eat, drink water & exercise. I tried to jog a couple of days ago but felt so weak from lack of food & water it made me realise I have to get on top of this and not make it worse for myself. Today I managed a jog where I didn't feel weak and I managed to not cry but I couldn't stop thinking about everything. I am tortured by what ifs...this shouldn't have happened.

Thanks @eve34 I am using your list to take action. In terms of claiming for universal credit am I right in thinking you are not eligible if you have over £16k in savings?

Thanks @onitlikeacarbonnet I will look up your old threads. Are you in a good place now? I hope so.

Hi there,
I split from my partner of 18 years just over 18 months ago.
It was my decision as was in a coercive relationship but it wasn't easy.i lost everything including my home
But with 3 children to support I battled through it.
It will get easier I promise, keep talking to people, take help when you need it, there's nothing worse than keeping it to yourself.
Write things down you need to deal with i.e benefit forms and even if you do just one thing a day/ week it will all come together xx

Thanks @Loola08 I hope you are in a good place now or getting there. Yes, I need to start writing things down instead of letting it all swirl around my head.

Sorry to hear. I used to have negative thoughts and emotions that used to be much worse at night until I attended a meditation course.

It changed everything for me.

I now fall asleep no matter what worries I have, I would highly recommend.

Xx

@Shinsplints

Just look after yourself. My ex left 2 years ago. In my head I knew it was going to be a tough year a head of me. So be realistic about where you are at. You would not just brush yourself off if you had a bereavement. This is a grief it will take time to adjust

As for benefits yes anything over £5k will start to curtail your entitlement. But all savings will be split between you and your ex. So it is worth exploring an on line calculator.

Also go through the bank account. Cancel any direct debit that are his. Car insurance. Phone contract. Etc. Also apply for 25% discount on your council tax.

Keep posting here it really helps to air your thoughts. And keep your own notes so as not to contact him. If you get the urge to contact him. Write it out and sit on it for 24 hours.

Bank holiday weekends are hard. And you will see families around you. But you never know what is going on behind closed doors so try not to give them too much head space.

OP my situation is very similar to yours. Were together for 17 years and have a 9 year old daughter. He had an affair with a colleague he used to work with and I found out by seeing messages on his phone and I ended our relationship 3 weeks ago. I've had no apology just confirmation that I was to blame mainly for not showing him enough attention. My daughter has been in pieces. My head's all over the place - I just can't think straight either. I spent most of yesterday in tears. I just wanted to let you know you are not on your own. PM me if you need to get in touch for some mutual support .

Hi @movingonup123 I'm so sorry you're going through this too. We'll get through this somehow. Yes, I'll try PMing you...don't think you can do that on the MN app can you? Not that I can see anyway.

I remember the disbelief was tremendous - I would wake up and be instantly stunned that I was waking back INTO the nightmare. Shocking. The cold horror, that repeated dropping of the stomach throughout the day when I remembered again. Yes, it's totally traumatic and the pain is physical and terrible.

It took me 3 months to feel normal and somewhat functional again - and that's not a bad place to be - you can build from that. Over more time I have regained happiness.

You will get to the other side as well. It seems impossible now, but it's true. So, so many Mumsnetters have stood where you stand. We survived, you will too. Have a cuppa, try a biscuit or two. Make your way slowly this way. We're waiting for you on the other side. ☕🍪🤗

Channel all the negative energy you have inside you into making sure this arsehole doesn't end up putting you and your DS into a totally different life. If you own a house together, start working out what you need settlement wise to move on comfortably. Do the same with savings, pensions - everything. Get an idea of what you need out of everything and start planning what you're going to do.

Do you have any idea at the moment of what you're going to do?

Yes @PicsInRed you describe that perfectly. I am shocked every time I wake in the night, the minute I wake in the morning. I can't think of anything else it's so exhausting.

@PicsInRed I'm looking forward to getting to the other side with all the other amazing women that have got through this. Thank you for your kind words and support, they really help.

@AMAM8916 I don't know really, I suppose my main objective would be to ensure that we stay on the house and give my DS stability. Not sure how I could do that because I would need to buy out his share of the house...I certainly don't want to rush any big decisions but going to start looking at all the current outgoings and income ASAP. Tricky to make real progress when it's still the school holidays.

It's my fault isn't it. I neglected him, I didn't prioritise our relationship so he got his needs met elsewhere. I'm so, so sad and he can barely contain his happiness (had a real spring in his step when he saw DS yesterday altho he says he feels bad for hurting me). I didn't make him happy anymore so he found happiness elsewhere. OW is child-free and younger with no responsibilities, just available for sex, drinking and going out. I was never going to be able to compete and I hate that I played the pick me dance and let him give me hope we could get over the EA. I have to pull myself together but this pain is unbearable.