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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Just can't believe this is my life

271 replies

Shinsplints · 24/08/2019 23:01

Separated from DH 4 days ago. Together 19 years married for 9 with 7 year old DS. Have a business and house together. He had an emotional affair (& sexting) and fell in love with OW over a period of about 4-5 months during a rocky phase in our relationship (I admit my part in this, it was not all him but both of us that led to the rocky phase). I never saw it coming and thought we could works things out with professional help (even when I found out about the EA I was willing to try to forgive him and fix things) but we never got that far, he was too infatuated with OW to even try and now they have started a relationship. I'm heartbroken, lost and terrified. Trying to sleep but can't get images of him and his OW out of my head along with panics about the finances, what I will do for a job...everything. He has fucked up our family life, my life and our son's life and he didn't even try to fix things. The person I trusted and loved most in the world has walked away. He's like another person now. I'm just posting because I can't sleep and need a hand hold. Why is it always so much worse at night? I have never felt such agonising pain and never thought we would end up like this. I can't believe this is my life. It is like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

OP posts:
Shinsplints · 12/12/2019 18:28

Thanks @unicornsarereal72 I wondered if there is something wrong with me for not being remotely interested. I would rather spend time with DS, my family and friends or just be in my own company. I genuinely don't feel like I want or need a new partner, maybe I never will. I know it's sad to say but I don't know how I could ever trust anyone again. I trusted "D"H 100% and look where that got me. Maybe I'll change my mind in the future but I just can't imagine it right now.

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ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies · 12/12/2019 18:31

Hey Shin, I'm in the same boat as you a bit (not OLD but regarding posting). Really struggling - can only assume it's as Christmas gets closer, and it's really making what I've lost come into ever-sharper focus.

I don't (really) want to wish my life away, and want to try and enjoy as much as humanly possibly, particularly with a chunk of time off work, but I am hoping things will ease a bit in the New Year.

Don't forget you are epic, and just be as kind as possible to yourself.

Sort of following on from what unicorn said, try and just be, and don't rush into anything.

xx

Shinsplints · 12/12/2019 18:43

Oh bunnies, that's so kind of you to come on and encourage me when you are struggling too. I want to try to enjoy life as much as I can but I'm feeling so flat and Christmas approaching is definitely making things worse. It's a milestone isn't it. More proof that this is really happening even though I don't want to believe it.

Sending love and support your way too x

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Bigpooh13 · 12/12/2019 20:27

I'm with you shin splints. Just the thought of someone else makes me sick. How can he just blindside me and then straight into a new relationship. I could never believe he was such a liar. All the time we broke up he was still seeing me . And I didnt know about her . I've got my letter to send to his solicitor and it's really gonna piss him off. I'm so stupid thinking it's to harsh then just think how he has acted.

daybyday473 · 13/12/2019 03:41

I have friends who tell me to stop thinking about the ex, and think about me. It's terribly hard. Then they turn around and talk about what I'll do when the ex and ow get married. What would I do? Egg his house, key this car? Nothing, there's nothing I can do. Feels like another punch in the gut. Definitely not the time to consider a new relationship. Sending hugs, support to @Shinsplints, @Bigpooh13, @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies - holidays are going to be pretty hard and sad. I'll be thinking of you all, for some moments of peace, beautiful lights, or comfort.

Bigpooh13 · 13/12/2019 08:35

Me too with friends. All they talk about is revenge but I dont see the point he ain't coming back and my life is destroyed. On my own at xmas so going to volunteer at a charity.

Jen1519 · 13/12/2019 10:03

This is my second post split Christmas and in a much better place emotionally
Me and H were both at same party last week and I wasn’t bothered one bit (of course if he’d been with someone I might have felt differently)
I think for me it’s something that was mentioned on this thread earlier - the split was always going to be painful- if he’d left purely because he wasn’t happy I would still be finding it much harder - the loss of trust and respect because of the lies and deceit have actually made it easier as I see him in a totally different light now

daybyday473 · 13/12/2019 10:25

Just sharing this article I found. It provided me with some relief. I'm not sure that all of it applies to my situation, but it helped me deal with the pain I was feeling.
“The Narcissist Didn’t Love Me!” Coming To Terms With This Agony | Melanie Tonia Evans
blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-narcissist-didnt-love-me/

Bigpooh13 · 13/12/2019 12:01

I've just told my husband that I miss the man he was not the lying cheating cruel man he is now. Didnt go down well.

mamamiaow · 13/12/2019 15:33

@Shinsplints I bet you didn't expect this length of thread when you originally posted! Have just spent a couple of hours reading through.

My timeline almost mirrors yours. Partner announced in August that I wasn't happy! He couldn't even take the responsibility for initiating the break up. We'd grown apart, we don't do anything together, he felt so lonely... etc etc. You know the drill.

Turns out he's been having an affair for quite some time but "it's not the cause of our separation". I discovered this very soon after and took my time to confront him which was the most satisfying evening of the last few months to watch him squirm. The woman has left an 18 year marriage and has teenage kids, but none of this is linked! He moved out in November, but it was like witnessing a teenager going off to uni for the first time. He was excited.

We have a 9 year old who is devastated that her father lives elsewhere, can't get her head around living in two homes, doesn't understand why we can't live together. I've tried to be honest but it's hard when she doesn't know the whole story. I wanted to protect her because I thought it would be too shocking for her to find out that her father is a disrespectful dick.

He wants to do 50/50 and is falling over himself to get into a weekend routine so he can sync it and spend it with his g/f. He's so transparent. Everything is about how he's doing me a favour. I see through everything now. He's been like this all through our relationship.

Our child has no idea about this other woman but it's only a matter of time before she makes this discovery. She is sharp and although he says he has no intention of introducing in the first year, she will spot a text or something.

I don't know how to support my daughter, I'm doing my best while quietly seething/falling apart inside. She cries most nights. She's in my bed. She's angry. It's awful to witness.

Just seeing a completely different side to this man who I've spent 15 years with. He's self centred and mean, but also charismatic and he's brilliant at his own PR. He's telling people this is a mutual decision. Didn't even tell his parents about the affair, so his mum's calling me and saying how surprised she is that we didn't try counselling etc. I put her straight.

It's nearly 4 months on and I feel stronger. The difficult part for me is not seeing my daughter every day. And seeing how confused and upset she is. I'm also anxious about her finding out about the OW and then being angry at me for lying.

I don't miss him at all. I feel happier not having to deal with him and his serious/sad face that he puts on for me (while I imagine he's the life and soul, living it up with OW). What I miss is the idea of someone looking out for me but I can't actually recall when our relationship was last like that. I don't know how I'd have coped without my friends and understanding colleagues in the last few months.

I'm with you on the OLD. It's too soon. I read that you should have a years break for each 5 years of the relationship.

I hope you don't think I'm hijacking your thread. It just seems to be such a common occurrence but there is light at the end of the tunnel. This is when Mumsnet comes into its own.

Shinsplints · 13/12/2019 16:20

@mamamiaow wow, we have spookily similar stories. Thanks for sharing your experience and feelings. You sound really strong, good for you! I wanted to feel stronger by now but god this is so hard.I am now hanging on to the idea of just getting through Christmas and the long dark nights and into the New Year. I think my emotional recovery is being thwarted by having to have so much contact with "D"H for the benefit of my DS but also because we still work together. He seems to thoroughly enjoy coming here and at times I sort of like it too but then I have to remind myself that everything has changed and I find it really knocks me back after he has left again. Boundaries are a problem that I'm going to have to review next year. Part of it is because I'm doing what is best for DS but part of it is also because I don't really want to let go, I know.

I'm sorry your DD is finding it all so upsetting. I am lucky in that my DS really doesn't seem that bothered at all! He gets on well with his Dad but because he has worked away all his life I suppose he is used to him not being around. I hope your DD settles down, it is still early days and such a big change.

Interesting about the OLD/break calculation - that would mean I need about 4 years before thinking of it! As I've said before though I honestly feel like I never want to be with anyone again. It'll be interesting to see if my feelings change on that.

Please feel free to come back to this thread and let us know how you get on Thanks

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Shinsplints · 13/12/2019 16:23

@Jen1519 thanks for posting. That's an interesting take on the betrayal making it easier to detach from him. I'm going to ponder that one.

It's great that you feel so much better with your 2nd post break up Christmas. I hope to feel very differently this time next year.

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Shinsplints · 13/12/2019 16:29

How are you today @daybyday473 @Bigpooh13 and @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies ? I hope you are all hanging in there. Keep posting and sharing, I really appreciate hearing from all of you Thanks

Pooh, I have given my "D"H lots of home truths but still more to come out I think. None of them go down well do they because it messes with their victim status narrative. Mine still insists he wasn't loved enough by me so ultimately it's my fault he had his head turned (but he wasn't looking, it just "happened" and the affair had nothing to do with our breakup Hmm)

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Jen1519 · 13/12/2019 17:27

Everyone told me “it takes time”. Turns out they were right!!
I’m a year “ahead” of you and I hated last Christmas though surprisingly I was dreading Christmas Day but really enjoyed it!
I couldn’t even listen to Christmas songs on the radio last year - has to play my Spotify in the car instead - this year I’m belting them out as I’m driving along
We are all strong women who will get through this most awful of betrayals
I’m in NE England if anyone ever fancies a men bashing coffee/gin xx

Bigpooh13 · 13/12/2019 19:37

Really struggling. Had a surprise visit today. I had told him not come around as it hurts me too much and hes a liar n a cheat n not the man I know. I went upstairs n waited for him to go. Which seemed like ages. He had written on my note thanks for that and I'm sorry for hurting you. Bug tears from me. Then he rang the house phone. 15 mins later. After I found care about you etc. Talk if solicitors etc. Me telling him how I felt. Still wants us to be friends and keep talking. Felt I'll ever since. I cant for it.

daybyday473 · 13/12/2019 21:09

Yes, there is so much ridiculous stuff he said to me, it was insane. "I thought we could have a platonic marriage and I could be with her, too." And "I want to be friends" and "I wish you and her (ow) could be friends, she's so nice." Are you kidding me? Here is something about the "let's be friends" message. Maybe this will help. www.chumplady.com/2018/11/dear-chump-lady-why-does-he-want-to-stay-friends/

Bigpooh13 · 13/12/2019 22:17

Thank you. Nice to hear someone else has been through it. It just really hurts me. Ive told him I cant be friends and why ????. Hes telling me about his plans for xmas told him to f off as I'm here on my own coz of him. Last year I was his plans.

unicornsarereal72 · 13/12/2019 22:19

Don't let him worm his way in. He wants to be friends so ease his guilt. Because once you have smoothed it all over for him he can say. Look it's all ok we are both happier this way. How great am I for seeing it like this and let her go for a happier life. 🙄.

It is a front so he can get his own way and move on easily. Don't let him off the jock so easily. He is no longer your friend

Bigpooh13 · 14/12/2019 09:55

Thank you and I think I know that . So he can show his friends what a great guy he is. Not helping me to heal. Telling me he cares about me etc. He gets his solicitor letter Monday he might change his mind then. Hes trying to bully me with finances . Just find it really hard to cope with

puds123 · 14/12/2019 10:14

To get through my very messy divorce and stay upright , sane and not take to the bottle, I used a divorce coach/counsellor in Sevenoaks. I cannot tell you all how brilliant she was and so much cheaper than running every problem, worry and vengeful angry thought past my solicitor. our mediation broke down at an early stage because he was being a bastard and he then refused to pay my solicitors costs so I found this lady who has saved not only my life but hundreds of pounds in fees from lawyers that are only interested in the legal process of the divorce and not the massive emotional upheaval it causes in a family. There is help out there, its just a matter of finding it as these divorce coaches are thin on the ground !!

Bigpooh13 · 14/12/2019 11:45

Thank you I'll have a look for one. He wont do mediation wants to do our selves when he comes around. But I can no longer trust him. Even though he says i can. As we've had a gud life together.

mamamiaow · 14/12/2019 14:07

I have also used a coach and found it really helpful and empowering. It was a hypnotherapist for stress and anxiety but it turns out she had been through a very messy divorce so she has the emotional insight. I would recommend that you do this if you can. I could do with a session every couple of days, mind you!

SuperbMonkey · 14/12/2019 14:41

Just to say that I found this thread useful and inspiring. I am in the same position (no children), and Christmas is so difficult to face.

puds123 · 16/12/2019 14:13

Don't know where you live but I found my divorce coach through the Resolution website. Her name is Caroline Watson Honestly, I think I would have been a nut job without her. My head went to fuzz and I couldn't think clearly about anything let alone make decisions about finances that would affect me for the rest of my life. Lawyers are great and it is difficult to do the process on your own particularly if it gets messy but they do not give you advice about the emotional side.
Also if you are the financially weaker party going forward because you have had a career break to bring up the children you need to really think very hard about your potential earning prospects going forward.

daybyday473 · 18/12/2019 00:20

Hello all...just sharing my trials this week, since I was really surprised by grief. I'll start to feel better and have a clear mind, then the grief surfaces again. I'm really surprised by this, and never experienced anything like it. It makes me feel like I'm going backwards and desperate, sometimes for hours, and then it fades. Just sharing my experience, and realizing this is normal. The best way is "through" - there are no short cuts (darn it!).

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