Just can't believe this is my life

[Shinsplints]

Separated from DH 4 days ago. Together 19 years married for 9 with 7 year old DS. Have a business and house together. He had an emotional affair (& sexting) and fell in love with OW over a period of about 4-5 months during a rocky phase in our relationship (I admit my part in this, it was not all him but both of us that led to the rocky phase). I never saw it coming and thought we could works things out with professional help (even when I found out about the EA I was willing to try to forgive him and fix things) but we never got that far, he was too infatuated with OW to even try and now they have started a relationship. I'm heartbroken, lost and terrified. Trying to sleep but can't get images of him and his OW out of my head along with panics about the finances, what I will do for a job...everything. He has fucked up our family life, my life and our son's life and he didn't even try to fix things. The person I trusted and loved most in the world has walked away. He's like another person now. I'm just posting because I can't sleep and need a hand hold. Why is it always so much worse at night? I have never felt such agonising pain and never thought we would end up like this. I can't believe this is my life. It is like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Shins it is unbearable I also remember that pain. Your brain is constantly going over this to try to make sense of it but it just won't work.

I remember seeing advice to try to "change the channel" of my mind - listen to to radio, write to do lists, reach out to friends and family for support.

Only time will help I'm afraid, and berating yourself that you neglected him just feeds into his narrative- what about the fact that he has just abandoned his vows and responsibilities.

It seems so unfair but if you focus on building a life for you and your son then you have something to work towards.

Oh shins it’s awful. I can feel the pain in your post. And I feel it because I did actually feel it. I think I even wrote that very same post.
It’s 3 and a half years on for me and things are better. The pain fades. Truly it does.
I’m still being dragged through it by him because he’s tried from the off to take the dc. But I’m stronger than he thinks. And so are you.
Please be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong. At all. And you will see it soon.
Massive hugs, and .

thank you @OhamIreally and @onitlikeacarbonnet I am finding so much comfort in your supportive posts. I am lucky to have some good friends and family that are supporting me too but those of you that know exactly how this really feels and what action to take are helping me so much. Thank you

@Shinsplints none of this is on you. He made a choice. Sometimes relationships slide. He could of talked to you. Worked with you to get where he wanted to be together. But he didn't. He looked at what you had together and though stuff this. And went looking for someone else

You didn't do that. I am sure it wasn't even on your radar to consider looking at someone else.

Be strong. I know how hard it is. But he isn't the man you thought he was.

Try not to engage with him. Drop off or pick up an shut the door with a cheery have a lovely time . Draw your line and have as little as you can to do with him.

This article has helped me feel better: www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Loving Chumplady!

Correct @eve34 it didn't occur to me to look elsewhere at all. We did discuss things were not going well a couple of months ago and even said we might want to separate but agreed we would try counselling first. Within days of the conversation I had realised I really did want to make things work (and told him so) and was trying my best to do things to improve our relationship whilst we waited for a counselling appointment. What I didn't know was that he already had OW on the brain (she had already started the EA months before) and he took that conversation to mean it was all go for them. We went in completely opposite directions. We never made it to that counselling he was already too far gone.

Thanks for posting this recent message. Apologies for jumping on in. I have been so worried about reaching out and discussing these issues. I stumbled across this message, (as OH just walked out on me) whilst looking for words of wisdom. I too am greatfull for all the advice, sometimes it's too hard to talk to family you don't trust are not there to support you. Once again apologies for commenting, I don't mean to take away from your message. Just a thank you for raising the matter to be discussed x

Shinsplints I am 4 weeks in from the bombshell that my husband had been having an affair. 17 years together, 7 married, 3 yo son. Make a solicitors appointment now! You wont believe how much will change in 4 weeks. Financial promises will be retracted etc. Get photocopies of all documents you can find mortgage, pension documents, business documents, payslips, p60s etc. The emotional stuff will be so hard for us to deal with but in time we will. Financial stuff needs to be looked into now. Most importantly dont leave the house or agree to anything until you have sought legal advice. I had my first appointment today and have had a real eye opener. I'm due at least double the amount of money my husband is offering as a settlement plus he will have to pay spousal maintenance of at least £1500 a month on top of child support. You can do this! I can do this and one day we might even be happy again. Xxx

No need to apologise @Mumwarrior please join in and share your story, I have found it really helpful to just talk about it and hear from others. It is so reassuring to find we are not alone. I'm sorry you're hurting too

It's still very early days for me - a week now since he left & a month since I found out about the EA - but last night I had the best night's sleep I've had in a week. I've been reminding myself of all the things that had been driving me mad about living with him (I need to make a physical list to look at!) and genuinely thinking maybe it is for the best. I still love him and wish he hadn't had an affair - his behaviour has been awful and cruel - but maybe we would have decided to separate anyway. I still would have found that hard because I was so bonded to him but it wouldn't have been this traumatic and I think we could have kept things amicable. I still hope we can be amicable even friendly in the end but it's so hard when someone you love so much behaved so badly towards you.

Did you gain all of this from a free half hour @Boozysuzy84? I am planning to get a free session ASAP. I think I am in the unusual position of knowing more about the finances than my (D)H and unfortunately there is not a lot of money about for either of us. we are currently on very low incomes and the business actually owes us money (we invested in the knowledge/hope things would pick up later).

Good luck with everything @Boozysuzy84 and thank you for the warning that his attitude could change a great deal, I am preparing myself for that - both practically and mentally.

His attitude will change.
In my case, he had a document splitting our assets the day after I threw him out.
Apparently fair (50/50) but I was in the dark about finances until he left.
When I looked through the bank statements it was apparent he’d been skimming money off for months. At a rate of about £400 a month. God knows how long that had been going on.

Our stories are so similar shinsplints. We also had a heart to heart a fortnight before he confessed. Agreed to counselling. But I suspected there was an OW (she was a friend and we’d been away for a weekend with her and her dh, as part of a larger group 6 months before. I knew something had happened and later, naively believed that was the start.
I asked him straight at that state of the union talk if there was someone else and he denied it.
2 weeks later her dh found text messages and a few days later he confessed.
Presumably he’d have continued to lie.
He gave me herpes.
Get tested.
I guarantee they’ve had sex. Sorry.

Lawyer up. Soon. HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

You will absolutely, definitely, certainly survive this. Eventually you will thrive.

His daft affair might finish or they might live happily ever after, but that’s no longer your concern. Your two paths were joined together, but now his path has split off and is going in a different direction. Yours is still all yours. I think the hardest bit is looking into the future and not seeing anything, not knowing what’ll happen, feeling like all your plans and all your certainty is gone. I struggled with that.

So just keep your head down! One step at a time.

And you won’t have to buy him out of the house until your youngest D.C. is 18, at least. That’s a fact so don’t panic about that yet. You have years.

Oh, and this brilliant quote by Winston Churchill really helped me. Have it up on the wall somewhere, or as your phone wallpaper.

When you’re going through Hell, keep going.”

It really upsets me to see people blaming themselves when their husband/wife/partner has an affair. It takes two people to make a relationship work, but falling into bed with someone else is a choice. Its an actual choice you make in your head to do that to your partner. They can justify it any way they like (my ex also told me it was my fault for paying more attention to our baby than him) but ultimately there is no justification for looking outside of your relationship for cheap thrills rather than working on your relationship. This isn't your fault. And he will now become someone you don't recognise when money comes into play - please get some decent advice in that respect. You're not alone, there are lots of us in your boat, and I promise it does get better x

Shinsplints no free half hours in my area unfortunately. I can claim legal aid until our settlement is arranged at which point I'd have to pay back the legal aid. My solicitor charges £210 an hour and it's the best £210 I've ever spent in my life. I put an anonymous post on a local mums facebook page asking for recommendations for a local family law solicitor specialising in separation/ divorce. Get your ducks in a row. I spent a very unhealthy weekend obsessing over h, where he was, what he was doing and trying to hack his Instagram ( his method of communication with ow) I almost drove myself to a mental breakdown. Read chump lady.......... He has chosen to do this to you because he he doesn't care about you enough not to. It's his choice, there is something wrong with him not you! Start reading a book, start going on walks and stop communicating with him unless absolutely necessary. I was asking him why for weeks. I've now realised I will never ever know why but i know in my heart it's nothing to do with me, i did my best i gave him all my love and a lovely family environment. There is something wrong with the cheater not the person on the receiving end of it.

Don't blame yourself. I remember my DH blamed me for the fact we didn't do much, cinema etc - in the 6 months afterwards every single event, dinner etc I organised. I said to him I was 50% responsible for not doing much but so were you while he wanted me to take 100% of the blame
We are actually back on track now but I will never feel the same way about him again. He didn't have an affair but I suspect only because she wasn't interested so will always have a guard up. Plus I did actually grieve for him and the relationship so know I will never have to really go back there again.
I can totally understand why you are consumed with thoughts of them being together, the only advice I can give you is pull yourself together at least with your interactions with him. Nothing he will love more than to see you devastated, feeds the ego. Will rightly piss him if he thinks you don't care. Its v v hard but you will get over it

Another good chumplady article: www.chumplady.com/2019/08/you-dont-need-closure/

"You do the hard work to heal yourself over time and find acceptance. It’s probably never going to make sense to you why they betrayed you. If you’re a good person, it shouldn’t make sense.
Why did they cheat? Because they could. Because they gave themselves permission to do it. They didn’t care about how it would hurt you. Not enough."

Have you started reading tey chump lady book yet? Please do. Leave a cheater again a life. It's really helping me. Is your son ok? Mine is only 3 and H worked away a lot so hes not really noticed anything different. X

Thanks for the recommendation @Boozysuzy84 I've just bought it! I love Chumplady and if it hadn't been for MN I would never have known about her.

@Boozysuzy84 my DS is coping pretty well so far, he is 7 so he is much more aware of what's going on but fairly accepting. However, my (D)H also worked away a lot so he's used to not seeing all the time anyway. I think that should make it easier for him (and me). Taking care of my DS is helping me to realise that life just goes on and this is not "the end". It's probably good that your DS hasn't really noticed, it will just become his new normal & less upsetting for you and him. How are you holding up?

Love that quote @HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo Definitely sticking that up somewhere!

Yeah getting there. Having a rough day today but my mum is here visiting for the week so that's helping. Everything's just so up in the air just now it's hard to know what to do for the best.

For anyone following this thread that might be in a similar situation, I've signed up to a free 7 day email course with Vikki Stark here:

www.runawayhusbands.com/services

"Receive a daily email from Vikki for seven days that discusses The Seven Steps for Moving Forward. You will learn the basic tasks you need to heal and get small challenges to help you grow."

The emails have been useful so far... now I shall return to my Chumplady book!

I'm glad you have your mum to help @Boozysuzy84 the never ending emotional rollercoaster is exhausting isn't it

Thank you to everybody who is posting on this thread. I have gotten more support and help in just the few minutes I've been following the discussion here. My D-Day happened this week and I am definitely in the tsunami of it. Your hope and encouragement is awesome, and I am blessed to have discovered everyone here. It's so helpful not to feel so alone, though it just feels like I am in a very lonely space right now.