Just can't believe this is my life

[Shinsplints]

Separated from DH 4 days ago. Together 19 years married for 9 with 7 year old DS. Have a business and house together. He had an emotional affair (& sexting) and fell in love with OW over a period of about 4-5 months during a rocky phase in our relationship (I admit my part in this, it was not all him but both of us that led to the rocky phase). I never saw it coming and thought we could works things out with professional help (even when I found out about the EA I was willing to try to forgive him and fix things) but we never got that far, he was too infatuated with OW to even try and now they have started a relationship. I'm heartbroken, lost and terrified. Trying to sleep but can't get images of him and his OW out of my head along with panics about the finances, what I will do for a job...everything. He has fucked up our family life, my life and our son's life and he didn't even try to fix things. The person I trusted and loved most in the world has walked away. He's like another person now. I'm just posting because I can't sleep and need a hand hold. Why is it always so much worse at night? I have never felt such agonising pain and never thought we would end up like this. I can't believe this is my life. It is like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Ahhh it's you! thank you @unicornsarereal72 yes, you're right about all of it!! I hope you are ok

Grrr I'm hearing from mutual friends that ex has a "different story" about why we separated. My blood pressure is now through the roof! As if it's not bad enough that he had an affair and left me for her he is putting it about to mutual friends that it was somehow my fault, that I drove him to it I'm guessing. So pissed off! as if it's not humiliating enough as it is. He will never take responsibility for his own actions will he. Even if I was the worst wife in the world he did not have to have an affair. How do I let go of this need for him to just admit he fucked up (there have been times where he did admit it but he seems to have gone back on that now - he's acting as if his affair had nothing to do with it, just that we had problems that couldn't be fixed so we split up).

He needs to save face in front of everyone. He isn't going to put his hands up and say I'm a wanker and started seeing someone behind your back.

They all paint a different story. People aren't stupid. And if they are then they aren't any friend to you.

Just hold your head high. You haven't done anything wrong. Dignified silence. And know it will eat you up I side but don't let him see it.

You're right as always @unicornsarereal72 I'm trying not to have any more post mortems with him because the last one was awful & upsetting. So I shouldn't do it with mutual friends either (I've shut down the conversation which was pretty insensitive of the friend to even bloody start, now that I think of it!)

You will look back and laugh about it one day. I was having words with my ex the other day. Over money and he still managed to bring it back to me neglecting him 🙄 it been nearly two years.

You deserve much better a decent person would just say nothing. Or say these things happen.

Hope you have a better day today

They change the story to make them feel better about it and less guilty. You're absolutely right in what you say. He decided to cheat on you. That's on him.

Didn't get the job, not even an interview. I'm trying not to feel depressed/rejected and trying to take some lessons away from it instead...it was probably too soon anyway.

In the meantime, my ex is still putting pressure on me to be friends despite me trying to put boundaries in place and keep contact to a minimum so that I can try to heal. It's so hard because part of me is very happy that he still thinks he wants me in his life (even if it is only as a friend) and the other (sensible) part thinks this is madness. I don't know if he is building up to a request for reconciliation or if he genuinely thinks we can be friends but I know whatever is going on in his head and neither is good for me.

I'm reading "Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You" by Susan J. Elliott at the moment and there is a section in there called "the seven excuses that keep you stuck", the very first one is called "why can't we be friends". It's full of harsh but true realities...and it breaks my heart all over again 😢

I still can't believe this is really happening.

Sorry about the job! Don't let it get you down! Keep applying!

My counsellor suggested they want you to be their friend because it makes them feel better! Stick it out with the low contact, it will help!

That is a really good book. Another one is breaking upwards!

I am sort of in the same boat. DH isn't happy anymore. Not sure why when I've spent the better part of the last 3 decades putting his every need before my own. I'm pretty sure no other woman is going to do that moving forward. He was leaving, now he's not. I'm pretty sure he will bring this up again. Tried to talk to him last night about moving forward, rekindling "us" and was told he's sick of talking about the same issues.

I've got threads on here. I seem desperate on some of them. If my DH leaves I am not sure if I am actually going to give a shit once the initial drama of it has passed. He has more to lose than me both financially, the DC and he will lose my support. By that I mean he will no longer have anyone doing his daily shit and I will insist on him helping me practically with the DC or he can pay more money to enable me to do so.

My DH is so critical of me. He leaves me post it notes to tell me something isn't clean. My self esteem is so low that I stopped wearing makeup, doing my nails, washing my hair and taking pride in my appearance. The thought of him leaving made me realise I may be single. Since then I have started getting fit and healthy, doing my hair, making appointments for myself. I've lost weight. After living with this man and feeling shit about myself I am now looking in the mirror and can see the good-looking woman that I once was, start to reappear.

I too worry about my DC. However, he travels all the time and when he is here he does nothing with them, only moan. Maybe they won't give a shit if he leaves and the reduced stress will be good all round.

OP, Jesus Christ, of course he wants you to be his friend. Fuck me! He's not your friend. He left you and your DC and is having an affair. He's not thinking of you whilst mooning over her.

Let's be friends because:

*I don't want any shit off my mum, friends or relatives. I know I have done wrong and they will all think I am an arsehole and I will lose their support. If you are my friend, they don't have a reason not to be.

• I don't want you to withhold contact with my DC

• I don't want you to get more than 50% of our assets. If I am broke I won't be able to pay for stuff for my new girlfriend and she may decide I am not worth the effort on top of my baggage.

• If I manipulate you into being my friend and you think I am a good guy, despite my twatery, I will get away with more shit.

• An angry ex is baggage and my new relationship may not survive if I have loads of baggage on top of being broke.

• If we are friends I can tell everyone that we both want this and I won't feel guilty.

Tell him you can't be friends but are will ing to be amicable WRT your DC. Tell him you want nothing to do with him because he is an arsehole and a liar.

My DH is only still here because he tried to finish with me and be all magnanimous and I told him straight that he is an arsehole and he's going to lose all his friends and respect.

HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. HE WILL SCREW YOU OVER GIVEN THE CHANCE. GET A SOLICITOR ASAP.

Thanks for the encouragement @Simonfromharlow , I won't give up...just need to re-group and try again!

Yes, I've read Breaking Upwards too, it's excellent and I keep going back to re-read it. Have you read Detach and Survive? It's got the sub heading of "a book of self care for the wives of midlife crisis men" which is a bit off putting but I think all of the advice about self care and how to detach from your husband is really useful.

What is your situation @Simonfromharlow?

My husband of 5 years, 10 together, left me in april. I have 2 kids and was a sahm. Said he no longer loved me. Said him getting made redundant was a catalyst. But i suspect an either emotional or physical affair with a woman from work. Turned into the most mean horrible man. It was a massive shock but I'm starting to find I'm doing better now! I have a job, I'm learning to drive and I've lost 3 stone! There is still a lot of stress to go but I know it will work out some how!!

I will look for that book. Thank you!

I'm very orry you've been treated so badly by your "D"H @LongTimeSinceSingle you deserve so much better. I put mine first for too long as well....time ti put myself & DS first. I hope one day to look back on this and be glad it happened!

Yes, you're right about the "let's be friends" b.s. it's all in his interests to "be friends", not mine, which is why I'm keeping him at arm's length and have stopped responding to messages that are not necessary.

How are you @unicornsarereal72?

Oh wow good for you @Simonfromharlow you are doing brilliantly!!

I'm gobsmacked that so many men can do this to their wives and families. Men we loved and thought we knew. Lots of them seem to get away with it as well - as in they end up with a better deal despite being shits. Further confirmation that life is definitely unfair.

I have lost quite a bit of weight too (still more to go) and am the fittest I've been in years right now. Not sure how I will keep this up once I have a new job (🤞)but for now it's keeping me sane and stopping me from turning to food/drink for comfort.

@Shinsplints that's amazing! Well done! Keep going! I'd never have imagined I'd become a gym bunny! Haha you'll find a job in no time!!

It's shocking that so many men do this, and all in the same pathetic ways too!

Evening @Shinsplints thank you for checking on me. I'm ok. I'm always better when there is no communicating with ex. So had 2 weeks respite since his last eow. His weekend this weekend so text about timings. He replied saying he is too ill. And can show me his antibiotics to prove it. ( nothing to do with his gf birthday I'm sure ). I didn't reply. Which will drive him crazy. 🤣.

As @LongTimeSinceSingle says. He wants to be friends for his own benefit. So he can say to everyone look @Shinsplints She is doing fine so it was the right thing to leave. We are all so much happier now. It is about easing his life and guilt. He is not your friend.

I'm impressed with your reading and exercise. Keep at it and stay focused. Sorry to hear about the job. The right thing is out there for you.

@LongTimeSinceSingle you deserve so much better.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Hello @Shinsplints and everybody else, so sorry you're going through this. It's sheer and utter hell . Your original post so similar to mine 2 ish years ago.
And I still don't quite believe it.
He seemed Like a decent man then wham he's having an affair.

My advice - don't blame yourself. Easy to say - I think part of my loss was that I kept thinking I should have done this, why didn't I do that. BUT it's a choice to have an affair - he could have spoken if he was feeling the relationship wasn't right.
An affair is a weak and cowardly way out .
I know how you are feeling- as soon as you know it's like a switch for them and they then think 'I've told you now, just move on' they don't see or refuse to see the pain , physical, emotional , pain and trauma literally bringing you to your knees. I must have cried everyday for 6 months. You think you can't get through but you can and you will. Unfortunately it is only time that helps - I wanted a better answer than that when people first said that to me but it is the best I'm afraid.

The cheaters will say lots of things to make themselves feel better - they do want to be friends to show to the world that it's all ok look we are friends I'm not really a lying cheat with no sense of deceny. Mine kept saying he wanted to be friends and see each other now and again ( to make him feel better) but no I've refused that.
It is painful - my head still reels with thoughts of him, her and the fact that they will have been accepted by everyone now and no doubt he will have silver tongued his way out of the affair somehow - of course it won't be his fault...
Sorry thinking about it catches you out and still after 2 years. I think I'm still on the angry phase...
So you seem to be doing well already, self help, online stuff I would also suggest seeing if there are any support groups running courses you can attend to meet people going through the same thing .
Also speak to friends and family , let everyone know so he's got no where to hide, lean on them . I was too shocked to share at first and wish I'd told people sooner.

Life does return to normality and you will laugh and live again but it will be hard. Keep going, eat , sleep, drink of you need to for a while and exercise. We know how you are feeling and support you X

Ps hello @eve34/ @unicornsarereal72
Nice to see you here with good adve as always X

Advice

Hi OP, sorry you are going through this, me and my ex split and within 2 weeks he met someone else, after another few weeks they were moved in together, we have 2 DS together and he has turned into someone i don't even know anymore. It's been a year now and I can't tell you how different I feel, the best thing he did was leave, I'm so much happier now, I couldn't even begin to imagine how I would cope and be happy again and here I am :)

I used to take (still do) saint Jon worts, it takes the edge of my anxiety and mood and helps me day to day, I also did councilling too which helped me loads.

A year ago somebody started a thread, about coping with being a single parent and there were 3 of us going through it at the same time, the thread lasted for a year and u can see what we went through and how we began to build our lives again, over the year. Some days I like to re read the thread and I get proud how far we all came :) it was voted for classics as we hoped it would help someone else going through the start of the Journey, have a look :) and I hope it helps you in some way x

Hi I’d like to read this thread too please as I’m going through the same thing now but I can’t seem to find it?

How do you adjust to life as a lone parent? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/3339230-how-do-you-adjust-to-life-as-a-lone-parent

Thanks for you kind words of support & advice and for highlighting your thread @Lorddenning1 I've started to read it and I'm so glad that only a year later you are so happy & glad he left. It gives me hope that things will feel very differently for me given time.

Something that caught my eye on that thread was a post from @WhatsGoingOnEh about SSRIs - about how they increase your natural serotonin & decrease your emotional attachment to a romantic partner & stop you caring about them. It was advice for you about how helpful antidepressants are during heartbreak (did you take any in the end?) but it actually made me wonder if that's how my ex managed to indulge in his affair in the first place (he has been taking an SSRI for at least a year maybe more like 2). I wonder if they inadvertently remove guilt from a person making an affair more likely? As you can see, I'm still in the stage of trying to make sense of this nightmare!!

Thanks @Wintersnow17 yes, he is relentless refusing to admit his affair was significant in the breakdown of our marriage, blaming me for the marriage breakdown (but also saying he isn't blaming me!) Despite my best efforts we had another enormous row a couple of days ago about it all. I've been all over the place since.

I feel like all my joy has been sucked out of me and can't imagine feeling normal again any time soon, this is just so all consuming.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It is so very difficult to be in this place. My partner has agreed to divorce and then comes crying to me, when he is the betrayer, and seeking my sympathy for what he is going through. I cannot believe how miserable this experience is. I hear that it just takes time to heal, but it just feels like I am being stabbed over and over again by the unfairness and lack of validation for what I am experiencing. I wish for relief for everyone in this place. Sending you strength.

Hello @Shinsplints and @daybyday473 I'm with you. It's totally surreal line- surely this isn't happening to be. Such a miserable experience and they have no concept of the utter torture. And exactly right, joy sucked out of life.
They have no idea and it seems all upside down that they have their good time while you're picking up the pieces of your life.
You are not alone through this xx
It will get better, you are in the eye of the storm , it doesn't feel it but the raw pain will gradually subside. It takes a while but you are stronger than you know . Sending hugs and strength to all in this position X