Just can't believe this is my life

[Shinsplints]

Separated from DH 4 days ago. Together 19 years married for 9 with 7 year old DS. Have a business and house together. He had an emotional affair (& sexting) and fell in love with OW over a period of about 4-5 months during a rocky phase in our relationship (I admit my part in this, it was not all him but both of us that led to the rocky phase). I never saw it coming and thought we could works things out with professional help (even when I found out about the EA I was willing to try to forgive him and fix things) but we never got that far, he was too infatuated with OW to even try and now they have started a relationship. I'm heartbroken, lost and terrified. Trying to sleep but can't get images of him and his OW out of my head along with panics about the finances, what I will do for a job...everything. He has fucked up our family life, my life and our son's life and he didn't even try to fix things. The person I trusted and loved most in the world has walked away. He's like another person now. I'm just posting because I can't sleep and need a hand hold. Why is it always so much worse at night? I have never felt such agonising pain and never thought we would end up like this. I can't believe this is my life. It is like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

👋🏻 @Wintersnow17

This will pass. Keep talking to anyone who will listen. And go as low contact as you can.

I know how very hard that is. But you are your priority right now. They just want you to make their guilt go away. You are no longer responsible for their feelings. They made that choice. So don't be their sounding board. And tell them it's going to be ok.

It will be ok. Life goes on and we have to be strong for our children. Just keep going Day by day.

Thank you @unicornsarereal72 and @Wintersnow17 your words of wisdom and encouragement are so much appreciated. Even with real life support this is a very lonely and surreal place to be.

It is so lonely. It's hard to realize that I just have to live through this alone. I am understanding more how much I have given up of my own identity to the marriage. This process of disentangling our lives is very uncomfortable, painful, and I don't know from day to day how I am going to deal with it. My experience is horrible pain and sadness in the morning, working my way through it to mid-day, and better by the afternoon. I get to sleep, and then the cycle starts all over again.

Thank you for letting me share my experience here. Nobody in my family can really understand what this is like. The feeling of rejection is difficult as well, but I see increasingly that my ex does not have the capacity to love as he has his own self-loathing to deal with, something I have struggled to understand all these years during our marriage. It really is time to give that up, and helps in some way because I know he couldn't really love me the way I deserve.

I am truly trying to drop all thoughts of this person from my mind and go more deeply into creating my own life for myself. How hard that is after almost 30 years together...To be alone, on my own, is a little disorienting and also uncomfortable. Wishing everyone strength and encouragement to get through your daily struggles, and please know you are not alone in the agony. I believe the grief must be lived to survive, and Susan Elliott guides to use grief as the feeling to reach healing.

I am now using her book, Getting Past Your Breakup, and I am hoping it will start to help me feel mentally stronger and less distressed on a daily basis. Sending strength and courage.

Yes it grief but you are stepping out of the haze you will get there
There will always be a scar but the pain will go.
It was over but you both plodded along .You deserve to be truly happy within yourself once again .
One day you’ll get up and realise that your feeling much better.

Hello all - just wondering how everyone is doing lately. My roller coaster ups and downs have been pretty extreme. Legal process is moving forward, which seems to be adding to my anxiety. I just want this to be over with, and it feels like it could get messier before all is said and done. Also, still waiting for ex to actually move out. He found a place, then said it fell through, and I really want to go NC pretty badly. Sending everyone strength, support and peace, if it's possible. Thanks for sharing.

We just have to keep going @daybyday473 don't we. I am amazed to realise it's been 2 months since he left. I have just been aiming to get through each day and not look too far ahead. The rollercoaster continues and every time I find out something new (yet more lies) it's another stab in the heart. However, it is definitely not as traumatic or unbearably painful for me anymore. It is still painful of course and I still have days where I cry my heart out but overall I am sleeping better and seem to recover from each new wound more quickly. He is finally moving his things out of the house this week (at my request). I'm sure it will be upsetting but once it's done I look forward to feeling better because I know it's not good for me being surrounded by his belongings. Time for the OW to feel suffocated by stuff now!

Massive row with ex today, the worst yet. Apparently I showed him no affection or love for years and he realised I "never had". I absolutely blew a casket. It has taken me ages to calm down. I am now trying to work out what my truth is regarding our relationship because I have had his truth shoved down my throat so many times I don't know what is true any more. Maybe I was just a cold bitch and I didn't realise? I genuinely can't work out what I think any more. Every time there is an issue (if I dare to try to create a boundary that he doesn't like) he always brings it all back to being all my fault. He is living with his OW a long way away which is a pain for seeing DS - he often has to "parent" in my home, which I have said needs to come to an end now that he has decided he is staying there (he was supposed to finding somewhere close by but says it is unaffordable). This is all my fault apparently. I'm exhausted.

Just wanted to give you a hand hold and some encouragement. His behaviour is appalling. Even IF he felt you hadn’t shown affection, the time to talk about that was when he was within the marriage. Hold your boundaries. There are better times ahead.

Sorry to hear people are struggling. It shows that you are good, loyal, loving people that this hurts so deeply.

Hold your heads high you can rise above their bull shit.

Funny how they all suffered years of neglect. Yet never addressed the situation other than pestering for more sex. ( in my case anyway). No ability to self reflect and acknowledge how their actions impacted the situation.

I always rebuff any conversation about what happened with we both see it differently and won't agree so there is no purpose to discussing it. Try not to get drawn in. I know how very hard that is.

It has taken me the best part of 2 years to be ok. I'm sure I'm just very slow at realising how awful ex actually was/is. I now make my brain think about my favourite pudding whenever he drifts into my thoughts. And I have also gone completely no contact other than text about picking up times etc.

I have final got some control on the situation and that feels very empowering. Stay strong. This will pass

Thank you for your kindness @HappyHedgehog247

What makes this worse is that he insists he DID communicate this to me but I genuinely don't recall this (until it was all too late). I feel so ground down by it all.

Yes @unicornsarereal72 - pestered for sex covers it. I think that must be what his "communication" with me about lack of affection amounts to. Sulking and grumpiness but no real discussion (outside the bedroom) about other issues that impact upon whether you want to have sex e.g. stress/insecurities etc

I love your idea of thinking of your favourite pudding when he enters your thoughts!! I'll try that one

Thanks for checking in and being there to give us newly separated hope that this gets better

Yes. My ex's communication was squeezing my boobs at every opportunity. In reflection it was him saying I love you and you are sexy. But he didn't see how it was also showing no respect for me as a person and my rights over my own body. Regardless of me telling him I hated it in the end he kept doing it.

Yes the pudding thing works for me. I have yet to get past a warm waffle idea for the base of my ultimate pudding. I start to build the idea in my mind and he quickly is pushed out of my thoughts.

@Shinsplints I was told I'd shown no love or affection. It's all just bullshit to make them feel better about it! Stay strong!

Thank you for the favorite pudding (or dessert) idea. Funnel cake covered with strawberries, chocolate syrup and powdered sugar sounds really good right now. Sending courage to everyone.

Just read through the whole of your thread OP and I can see you getting stronger as the days go by.
Your anger and distress are indicators of your compassion and you should remember that every time you get upset. 💐

Thank you @firstoffence I will definitely try to see it that way. It's hard not to be cross with yourself when you've totally lost your shit in a big row but when you combine high emotions, being treated disrespectfully plus gaslighting it is so hard to remain calm!

I have an update - stb-ex is set to move out Nov. 2. He had the gall to ask if the OW could come to the house to help him move. I didn't say what I wanted to say, so I said - no. She can be at your new place.

Went through the list of household stuff and furniture, that was a bitch - an hour and a half of talking to this louse. Who gets what. He took our vows, my trust, ripped me in two (another woman call it "soul rape" on the Chump Lady blog) and pissed all over our families, community and life. And now I am talking about who gets which chair in the house.

It's surreal and disturbing. I know that many people are dealing with much worse trauma than this, and I'm trying to keep my perspective. There are more than 6,400 divorces in the U.S. every day. So that's quite a crowd.

One thing I know for certain is that he is becoming a small, small person, and I am going to be growing into a much grander life, filled will happiness, hope, and joy. It's just this dark hallway to get through to the next new door in my life. I am trying to hang in there and wish everyone courage, energy, strength and relief from the pain whenever possible.

This pain is something else, like nothing I've ever felt in my life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy -- just my ex.

You are doing amazing. Remember it's only stuff. It can be replaced

You will rebuild. Stronger and better. Hope you have some lovely plans for 2nd nov.

Thank you unicornsarereal72....good idea for me to plan something for Nov. 2, especially something really lovely.

It's a tough one. I was away with the children when ex finally came to get his stuff. And I'm sure he would of brought ow with him to show her all he was leaving behind for her. I don't know.

Just hold on to the fact that she hasn't won any prize. I have no time for any person that walks away from their children and doesn't do everything they can for them. Or pay their way.

In my case he has shown himself to be lowest of the low. Is she thinks he is a good man she needs to seriously raise her standards.

Mine finally moved "his" stuff (well, most of it) out this week too after a 3 day packing saga (peppered with hideous rows) which drained my time and frazzled my emotions. I have just let him take whatever he wants with very little discussion because it is just stuff and I have too much stuff anyway! Plus I just want the space and freedom from his presence to start to turn the house into my home (also very tricky when he still expects to "parent" in my home). God it's been so exhausting and upsetting.

I can't believe yours tried to bring his OW @daybyday473 the bloody cheek of these horrible, selfish, cheating men! Well done for saying no and getting through it all. Onwards and upwards

Sorry I misread your post and thought he had moved out @daybyday473 Fingers crossed for you that it goes as smoothly as possible on the 2nd Nov

I keep trying to remind myself that the OW has not won any prize @unicornsarereal72 it still hurts though & I wish it would stop now. I think the moving of stuff and seeing him far too much lately has been a mental setback for me. I know I need to go low contact but it's been impossible.

It has taken Me far too long to get some peace from the situation. It still makes me sad. I don't want anything to do with him. It hurts. I loved him and all we had and still wonder why that wasn't enough for him. I don't know if that will ever go away. The ultimate rejection is awful.

Life goes on and day to day you go through the motions and it gets easier. I have coasted the last two years. I know I need to do something different. And move on. Not that I want to. I just hope that if/when I meet someone else they are a decent man. 🤷‍♀️.

@Shinsplints you are stronger than you think you are. You have got this.

Bloody hell, I've just read through this, as I'm a few days into this shitty journey, and Shins, I am in awe, not just in how you are dealing with things, but how you have written about it.

Like so many other people who've commented, so much mirrors what I'm experiencing, and your story, and the others on here are both comforting, to not feel so alone, but so, so depressing that this is so common.

I hope you don't mind me commenting, and 'taking' some real strength from your thread.