Just can't believe this is my life

[Shinsplints]

Separated from DH 4 days ago. Together 19 years married for 9 with 7 year old DS. Have a business and house together. He had an emotional affair (& sexting) and fell in love with OW over a period of about 4-5 months during a rocky phase in our relationship (I admit my part in this, it was not all him but both of us that led to the rocky phase). I never saw it coming and thought we could works things out with professional help (even when I found out about the EA I was willing to try to forgive him and fix things) but we never got that far, he was too infatuated with OW to even try and now they have started a relationship. I'm heartbroken, lost and terrified. Trying to sleep but can't get images of him and his OW out of my head along with panics about the finances, what I will do for a job...everything. He has fucked up our family life, my life and our son's life and he didn't even try to fix things. The person I trusted and loved most in the world has walked away. He's like another person now. I'm just posting because I can't sleep and need a hand hold. Why is it always so much worse at night? I have never felt such agonising pain and never thought we would end up like this. I can't believe this is my life. It is like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Really sad to read this. Am in similar situation, I hope you don’t mind me sharing. Husband denies affair but i believe he is mixed up in an emotional affair which has resulted in him telling many lies and distancing himself from the rest of the family. I have screenshots of messages saying that he loves this ow, he’s not over her, can’t turn feelings off and some of his best memories are with her. They are close work colleagues who have since fallen out but apparently this is not an affair! We are both guilty of neglecting our relationship and I believe this has caused him to seek friendship elsewhere and it’s got out of hand. I think he would like to give us a second chance. I am terrified of being on my own in the future but don’t feel I can ever get over this. We’re currently in limbo, still living together with the kids but it can’t go on. I think people can underestimate EA’s - they are very damaging. I hope you can get past this extremely difficult stage, it’s such early days. It would be good to hear how you get on. Try to stay strong, I know it’s hard

Help! I am really, really angry with ex today. Had a massive text war (even though I have been trying really hard not to). I'm so angry I don't know how I will sleep. The blame shifting and victimhood - to justify his actions (apparently his life was so awful he "had no choice") - he is displaying is filling me with unfettered rage. I wish I could never see him again but with a DS I have to endure him for life.

Sorry you are going through this. He is blaming you to help alleviate his own guilt. His life was not awful he is just a weak, shallow man whose head was turned by the first floozy who drifted by - pathetic.

Try not to engage with him about anything except from your DS. Keep contact to a minimum. You are at the worst stage of this mess but it will get better. There really is a better life waiting at the other end.

@Shinsplints angry is good. As already said he wants to blame you. So that it lessens his guilt. He doesn't want to be the bad man who walked away from an good/ok relationship. Good women and his children. Do not take any of his blame. Do not engage. I know how very hard this is. I'm 2 years down the line and only last week got a message about my failings are the reasons he left and turned into an arse.

Only answer messages about dc. Pick up/drop off etc. Money via cms and house legal stuff via solicitor.

It is very satisfying thinking they are sat their waiting for a response and feeling indignant that you are ignoring them. I know my ex will hate it. And see me as the unreasonable one. Be strong.

@Shinsplints I agree with Eve your ex will hate that you don't engage with him.

My ex loves nothing better than to "wind people up" as he would call it. He loved making me lose my temper and then standing back and laughing.

You need to channel your rage into your own future and maintain radio silence with him. Honestly every time you want to text or respond think about how you are thwarting him by not doing. Also tell yourself that the longer you hang on the more annoyed he will be.

This has the added advantage that you don't have to engage with him; you won't say anything that you later regret or that he can use against you; you start to gain a little bit of peace; you look seriously elegant.

Thank you for your replies @OhamIreally @eve34 and @Feelingfree you are all so right. I had been doing well at keeping communications neutral but just lost it yesterday. I've said my piece now so there's no reason for me to ever say it again. He got really nasty and defensive so I obviously struck a nerve. He still blames me but I can't control what he thinks/says/does so I have to find a way to let it not get to me until that golden day in the future where I genuinely don't care. Going low contact is the only way isn't it. Thank you all, I was so, so desperate last night and finding your replies has really helped me get my head straight again

You will get through this, It does get better I promise.
I don't have much advice and I'm sorry you're going through this OP but in a few months you will look back on how you feel now and you will feel better, things will be better. Stay strong I know it's damn hard!!! Xx

Thank you @Roozy123

Sounds like he's following 'the script' to a tee Op. So sorry you're going through this and it will likely get worse before it gets better but stay strong and remember that this is all on him, not you, regardless of how he tries to shift the blame.

As others have said, get your affairs in order and get copies of all important financial documents. Protecting yourself and your DS is the most important thing that you can do now. for you.

Shinsplints had a similar text war 2 weekends ago. It was so damaging to my mental health! Been no/ little contact now for only 2 weeks and already feeling stronger.

He didnt cheat because of anything you have done, hes cheated because HE WANTED TO. He made a choice that you, your feelings and your children were not important enough to do otherwise. He sucks!

Mine had been "so unhappy for at least a year" news to me! Cant believe how they alm follow the same script. Twats. Dont get involved in his shitey drama. Sending hugs xx

@Boozysuzy84 my mental health has taken a severe hit since my text war. I haven't slept properly for two nights in a row now. I'm haunted by the cruelty and callousness of the things he has said and the way he has treated me for the last few months. Why am I even upset about getting this man out of my life? I'm having constant battles inside my head and the thought of him with his affair partner leave me feeling sick and shaken. I hate the fact that all the love and support I gave him for 19 years means nothing to him. Every morning it is still a shock to wake up and realise this nightmare is real

Crazy how similar our stories are! 17 years together since we were 18. Honestly don't even recognise who he is as a person with all the cruel rubbish that's coming out of his mouth. No contact him as much as you can. Have you seen about getting a solicitor appointment yet? Xx

@Boozysuzy84 yes, first appt tomorrow. I need to write a list of questions to prepare actually - any top tips for getting the most out of it? It's a free initial consultation.

God, why are some men so pathetic - can't take responsibility for their actions and choices like adults - 'Oh I had no choice' - Pathetic!

On a practical note - if you have a business, why do you need to look for a job? Can't you take over the business fully? He isn't planning to take that with him,. is he? Don' t let him. He left. I think you should get to keep the business.

@faceorembrace unfortunately it wouldn't be possible to take over the business so I definitely need to find a job. That is one of my biggest concerns. I know that once I have financial independence for myself and DS I will feel so much stronger & less scared about the future.

 for you @daybyday473 its a real shock to the system isn't it. You are not alone. Sadly this story seems all too common.

@daybyday473 for you its a real shock to the system isn't it. You are not alone. Sadly this story seems all too common. I'm sorry you're going through this too.

@midlifesomething just trying to catch up on the thread and found your story. Yes, I agree an EA is very damaging indeed and should not be minimised - my ex fell in love with his EA partner and wrecked any chance we had to fix our relationship. It's a very sad & traumatic end to our relationship. The betrayal aspect is the worst for me. I realised he didn't love or respect me enough to stop this from happening. You might be able to overcome this if your husband is honest and genuinely wants to reconcile with you but no one would blame you for not being able to get over it. I was willing to try to forgive mine but he didn't actually want to reconcile and things probably would never have been the same even if he had.

Hi ladies, for what it's worth I've been told its all my fault as well and I should have recognised he was unhappy(even though he never told me that! and I'm not a mind reader). It seriously messed with my mental health so I've text him that I no longer want to see him as it is badly affecting my mental health. He picks my daughter up outside the house and I've told him he can't come in if I am in the house.

I had to do that after one day he came to the house and I was informed basically I was mainly to blame for him looking elsewhere and I spent most of the rest of the day in tears AGAIN! What a twat! love and strength to you all ladies! We're better off without these losers.

Moving on up so sorry this is happening to you too. Why cant they just say "I'm an idiot/ I made a bad choice/ I'm a weak person" instead of trying to gaslight and shift blame? It's so horrible. Have you read any of the chump lady site? It's made me realise I will probably never know why or get closure.

Shinsplints how did your appointment go? I'm also looking for a job but cant go back to the industry i was in before I got married and moved to middle east in 2012 as the commute and childcare costs are just too much. Been applying for part time caring jobs/ admin/ school support jobs but no luck yet. Everything's so up in the air at the moment I dont know where to start!

Thanks Shinsplints. It's a very hard time right now because my husband is in denial about the EA. He insists they are just friends, and I know that he is in conflict about what he has done, but won't allow himself to see the truth, and so he states that he can't regret it. I know it's given him pleasure and he's told me he loves her, and it's incredibly painful. He initially stated that he hoped he and I could have a platonic marriage, and they could continue their friendship, and somehow he would be happy with this combination. I am stunned as I even write these words. How far off the path he has gone, and it is so sad, especially when I initially respected this person so much during our marriage. He has broken the trust, and I did not believe that he would. I know he was desperate, and I wish he had turned to me, not her. I know there are reasons he did not. I see those reasons, but it cannot undo this pain that is stabbing me on an hourly and daily basis. Thank you for letting me just vent my feelings. It feels like such a cliche to be in this place. I am appreciative of others who are sharing their struggles here. Thank you.

God this is SO hard. Had a really tough day. Even though we had problems I never thought it would come to this. I put too much value on his love for me and now it's gone I feel empty. I can't believe he has gone. I really hope tomorrow is a better day. The pain from heartbreak is indescribable, no words can do this justice.

It is a physical pain Op. It sounds flippant, but honestly, 1 day at a time. Just getting out of bed & through the day is an achievement. Small goals & being kind to yourself is key.

Thank you @InvisibleWomenMustBeRead I think I expect too much of myself (always) and hate feeling so incapacitated by this hell I just want to skip to the bit where I have an amazing new life and no feelings towards my ex. I'm having to keep in regular contact with him for the sake of my DS, it's taking its toll on my mental health.

So awful that so many women are in these situations. WTF is wrong with these men ?
What motivates a partner of years to treat their other halves with such disrespect? And then try to blame them.?
I can so relate to the horrible feelings you are experiencing. I have cried every day for 8 months now. But at least I know that I will never have to go through thise first shocking and traumatic moments again. And neither will you.

My DH tthinks I should be able to move on and get back on track, now that he has said he was so wrong and now wants to stay together.
But I cant move past it. And am just biding my time when I can separate the way I want to.

You are not the first woman this has happened to. Take comfort in the fact that so many MNers have been through this and are telling us both that we WILL be OK.