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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Just can't believe this is my life

271 replies

Shinsplints · 24/08/2019 23:01

Separated from DH 4 days ago. Together 19 years married for 9 with 7 year old DS. Have a business and house together. He had an emotional affair (& sexting) and fell in love with OW over a period of about 4-5 months during a rocky phase in our relationship (I admit my part in this, it was not all him but both of us that led to the rocky phase). I never saw it coming and thought we could works things out with professional help (even when I found out about the EA I was willing to try to forgive him and fix things) but we never got that far, he was too infatuated with OW to even try and now they have started a relationship. I'm heartbroken, lost and terrified. Trying to sleep but can't get images of him and his OW out of my head along with panics about the finances, what I will do for a job...everything. He has fucked up our family life, my life and our son's life and he didn't even try to fix things. The person I trusted and loved most in the world has walked away. He's like another person now. I'm just posting because I can't sleep and need a hand hold. Why is it always so much worse at night? I have never felt such agonising pain and never thought we would end up like this. I can't believe this is my life. It is like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

OP posts:
Shinsplints · 06/09/2019 18:27

I'm sorry you've been so badly hurt too @Stillfunny Thanks how long did it take for your DH to realise he had made a mistake? Did he move out? I think mine is starting to understand the enormity of what is going on and is expressing regret but at the same time has not asked me take him back. He is still living with OW. Although part of me wishes he would beg to come back maybe the reality is that it would be very hard to get past all the hurt now (but he's not asking to come back anyway so that is just my fantasy which I know is because I'm struggling to get over the end of our relationship). It's so traumatic when someone you love so much treats you like this.

OP posts:
eve34 · 06/09/2019 20:07

Oh shin splints. I felt the same way. I still have dreams of him coming back and I'm two years down the line.

Change is so very hard. Especially when you are doing it on your own. And the unknown of what the future holds. But it will be ok. Life has away of working out. And you deserve so much better from the man in your life. Someone who looks at you and you know would do anything for you. And is loyal and your world. Imagine having that person by your side.

If he ever came back it wouldn't be the same again. You would never feel the same about them. And it would only be a matter of time before you were at this point again.

Stay strong, focus on being the best person you can be and there are better things in life for you.

Stillfunny · 06/09/2019 23:59

Ask yourself if you really would be OK to take him back. You might be constantly thinking about his time with OW. And it seems unlikely that he would leave OW yet while she is still in the stage of thinking he is great and everything is lovely.
But what she has really ended up with is starting a relationship with someone that she already knows is a liar and a cheater . And there is a saying " If they do it with you, they might do it to you."
And my DH never moved out .He had a long distance EA . And she dumped him.(HA!).But it is the lies and deceit I cant move past.

Shinsplints · 07/09/2019 08:05

I know you're probably right Sad I just love him so much I feel like I could forgive anything (or at least try to forgive) just to have him back right now...but hopefully that feeling will fade in time. I know logically that I deserve better but god this is so hard. It's probably better for me in the long run that he's not asking to come back.

OP posts:
FVFrog · 07/09/2019 08:10

Mine left exactly 1 year ago today and I still have those feelings of I can’t believe this is really it and this is my life now. I know there is no going back and the changing of the season is especially hard as more time is passing and nothing has changed. You do start to have more good days than bad, I find just focusing on the day to day helps and not allowing yourself to think too much about the big picture.
It’s very early days for you though, hang in there Flowers

eve34 · 07/09/2019 09:08

My ex had an affair years ago. I forgave him. And I genuinely moved on from it. And loved him completely. But he only went on to do it again and leave for ow. I am sure there were others in between. What we had wasn't enough for him. That was the bottom line. He looked around at our family and thought fuck this I can do better.

Him. Our family and our home was my everything. I loved what we had. But he was busy looking for the next thrill and excitement. I couldn't compete with that. I don't think he will ever find contentment. And that's so very sad.

Just keep going one day at a time. It's all you can do.

PicsInRed · 07/09/2019 10:39

I don't think he will ever find contentment.

That's it exactly. They're looking for their life's fulfillment without, but it can only be found within. They aren't capable of self relfection, so they'll never find it.

OP, please dont look on it as 19 wasted years. You got his better years, she gets the crumbly "carer" years. Yucko. 😉

I've come to look on it as some sort of mental deterioration that some people experience. This type seem to start with some empathy and what little they had burns off until they become quite unusual and very damaging to be close to.

There's no way back, you had the best, "well" years. Embrace that, embrace your freedom to go and be with someone emotionally and mentally healthy.

Go "grey rock", communicate minimally, essentials only about child.

The rest of your life belongs to you. Flowers

OhamIreally · 07/09/2019 12:38

Pics speaks a lot of sense OP. Its such early days for you and you have to build a new life, but your old life isn't wasted.

My DD has returned from a couple of weeks with her dad and OW (now wife) and from what I hear (I don't ask) he is now behaving to her as he did in the later, bad years with me.

So the early, happy years I had when he was kind and had empathy have not been replicated in his new relationship really, those traits have sheared away and what's left is the nasty man who puts himself first and treats others badly.

None of us deserve that do we?

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 07/09/2019 13:05

One day at a time Op. The pain will ease & there will be great days ahead - I know it feels like that won't be the case, but you just have to get through these days & better days will come eventually.

eve34 · 13/09/2019 06:02

How you doing @Shinsplints

Shinsplints · 13/09/2019 07:17

I hate this @eve34 Sad it's the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. I have cried every day since he left. I'm still functioning, still being a mum & trying to do the right things for myself like exercise, seeing friends, keeping busy but I feel like a shell, totally hollow inside, going through the motions. He recently started to say things that made me think he might change his mind but that has only made it worse because it got my hopes up (I know, I know I'm a fool to even consider it after the pain he has put me and DS through) only for him to keep returning to the OW. Actions speak louder than words. I know I need to let go of any hope of reconciliation before I can move forward but how do you stop loving someone after 19 years? How are you? Thank you for checking in on me x

OP posts:
eve34 · 13/09/2019 13:52

You are doing all the right thing @Shinsplints. I'm over 18 months down the line I still cry and miss my old life. It was far from perfect but our family unit worked.

Give yourself time to grieve. Talk to everyone who will listen. I know I kept saying the same thing at the start because it didn't make sense. And like you he treated me very badly. I still miss the old him. The good kind one I fell in love with.

You just have to try and untangle yourself from him and your old life. Go as low contact as you can. It gives you space just to be.

Others who have been there say it takes time. I'm better than I was. But would like to get to the don't care part. Although my ex is still behaving badly. His life is in pieces and I still care about him. But probably not for the right reasons.

Shinsplints · 17/09/2019 04:12

I've realised that I'm starting to accept my marriage is over. I no longer want him to ask to come home. I want to be independent and separate from him as soon as possible. I wish I could click my fingers and be magically separated instead of being faced with the gruelling slog of what is ahead. My head is swirling and my heart is pounding with all the things I need to do to to disentangle our lives. At least I am shedding fewer tears and actually believing that I deserve better than this. I am still grieving for the old kind him just like you are for yours @eve34 - you deserve so much better too, especially after he had already put you through this hell before Thanks

I've just read a helpful book which I know I'm going to need to keep re-reading:

Breaking Upwards: How to manage the emotional impact of separation by Charlotte Friedman

OP posts:
eve34 · 17/09/2019 06:38

I will look for the book. Good to hear you are feeling some expectance of the situation. You will move on. I don't know if the sadness ever goes away. It is my sons birthday today. I was in labour for two days. So have spent the weekend thinking 13 years ago I was ..... but there isn't anyone to share it with.

He is missing out. I know he hates it. And misses his old life and the kids. I know I need to start dating. I think the final piece for me is meeting someone else. And I'm sure I will find some peace with the situation.

Hope today is a good day for you. Have you packed up all his stuff I enjoyed doing that. Kept adding things to the pile. His mugs. Photos etc. He hated it and called me petty. If he was leaving. He was taking all his shit with him. I moved the furniture around. Painted the bedroom and got new sheets. Felt like a fresh start.

Relationshipsajoke · 17/09/2019 06:44

I have no advice and my relationship wasn’t as long as yours but I feel the same as you right now.
I don’t know how to get through the day

Shinsplints · 22/09/2019 09:27

How do I get over the fact that my partner of 19 years turned into such a massive arsehole? He betrayed me not only with the OW but told all his friends and family about the OW and private details about our marriage - sex life, my lack of self esteem/stress levels/weight etc . I was the last one to find out. I never breathed a word to anyone, not even my closest friends, about any worries I had about our marriage. He told anyone who would listen including people who are total strangers to me. He was disloyal and selfish on such a massive scale I am still struggling to believe it's all true. He has been living with OW for a month now and expects me to treat him like a good friend. I have to be civil for the sake of our DS but he is taking the piss, isn't he. I keep wondering, what did I do to deserve this? I supported him and had his back all these years...only for him to savagely betray me. I am not crying for him anymore, I am angry and actually looking forward to being divorced from him.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 22/09/2019 10:51

He deliberately set himself up as your victim and has made you the scapegoat for his wrongdoings. He did this as an advance alibi, for when he left. He'll (and his family will) eventually do the same to OW, but she's made her bed and that's not your problem.

You will need an excellent solicitor. Come to terms with the fact that child arrangements and finances will likely go though court. Prepare yourself for this, find acceptance. As the saying goes, when you're going through hell, keep going. You'll make it to the other side.

File for divorce on the basis of unreasonable behaviour (including the slander to family and friends and cheating and leaving for/living with other woman. Filing for adultery requires him to sign a confession statement, this one won't so don't waste your time.

As part of filing, file for child arrangements and financial matters to be determined. You can still negotiate and reach a settlement before court, this just ensures you dont needlessly wait and waste time if he has no intention to negotiate in good faith.

Finally, dont allow yourself to be railroaded into accepting 50/50 childcare if that was not the arrangement during the marriage. Changing this now won't be in the best interests of the children at such a traumatic time of family upheaval - but would serve to advantage him in financial proceedings (and would mean he pays zero child maintenance).

Ensure you are claiming child benefit for both children in your own name.

Be clever and trust nothing he says. Only trust the final court approved consent order.

Shinsplints · 22/09/2019 15:31

Thank you for all your advice @PicsInRed I am thinking this all through carefully.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 22/09/2019 15:38

It's good that you've found your anger. Good onto it right now 👍🏻

eve34 · 22/09/2019 19:15

It is a horrible position to be in. And it's good you are angry. It is hard to get your head around it all.

As he has skipped off to start happy new life. Whilst you are just beginning to get to grips with things. And he wants you to be his friend so that he doesn't feel guilty.

He will of been emotionally checking out for a while and telling anyone who will listen how unhappy he was. But pretending all is ok with you.

You have every right to be angry. And don't feel you have to be his friend. You can be polite in front of the children. But beyond that you don't have to do anything.

I'm still hurting I keep saying the right things. I wish him and ow well blah blah. I don't though. The hurt is beyond words and I want him to hurt too.

I know I need to try and not give him any head space. Whatever is going on in his life. He isn't going to tell me anything other than how great his life is.

I have as little to do with him as possible. And will continue to do so. It's the way I am coping with the situation. I just hope in time we both find our peace.

Shinsplints · 26/09/2019 14:11

After a strong couple of days, I'm frantically trying to update my CV and apply for a job (closing date today) but have just had to stop to literally howl with grief. I'm trying to breathe through it and pull myself together. I thought I was over the sad bit and into the anger phase (which I was quite enjoying because I was getting shit done!). God I hope this gets easier Sad

OP posts:
Simonfromharlow · 26/09/2019 17:46

It's a grieving process and it's not linear so you will skip back and forth between the stages! Each time you go back you will come out of it quicker if you know what I mean. Good luck with your job application

unicornsarereal72 · 26/09/2019 18:17

It gets bearable. If you feel it is over whelming do please go and talk to your gp. It is very early days for you. Someone told me it takes a month for each year you were together. That gave me some peace that it was ok to be upset for 12/14 months. Even though he was skipping off into his sunset happily. It was ok for me to grieve.

Fingers crossed with the application.

Shinsplints · 26/09/2019 20:49

Thank you @unicornsarereal72 and @Simonfromharlow I'm just amazed I managed to get it in by the deadline! Who knows if it'll go anywhere but at least it's a start and getting me in the right frame of mind for job hunting.

I'm hoping it won't take me 19 months to have recovered but who knows, I'm curious to see where I'll be in 12 months time....hopefully feeling significantly happier than I am now.

Thank you for the kind words of support and just understanding what it's like, I have never been so grateful for MN before, it's really such a lifeline.

@eve34 How are you? Well done for managing to say the right things. Very recently I have said the wrong things (to ex) but I was just so angry I couldn't help myself and to be honest I don't care, he deserved ever last angry word and rebuttal to his re-writing of history. However, for the sake of my DS I am desperately trying to remain calm and keep things civil. I have told him to respect my boundaries and for us to have the minimum amount of contact in order to let me heal. This last month of he's not been at the house, he's been texting me constantly making demands and having ridiculous expectations of me. So, he's backed off a bit the last couple of days which has been a relief. It's all so exhausting.

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 26/09/2019 21:20

@Shinsplints sorry I name change was eve34.

Well done in getting the application in. I have everything crossed for you.

Keep to the low contact as necessary. He won't like it. He wants everything to be ok and won't understand why you are so sad. It's for the best after all 🙄

Also it shows your dc that it's ok to be sad. And that they don't have to keep putting on a brave face if they are feeling sad too.

Do what you need to do to get through each day. And look after yourself.

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