Just can't believe this is my life

[Shinsplints]

Separated from DH 4 days ago. Together 19 years married for 9 with 7 year old DS. Have a business and house together. He had an emotional affair (& sexting) and fell in love with OW over a period of about 4-5 months during a rocky phase in our relationship (I admit my part in this, it was not all him but both of us that led to the rocky phase). I never saw it coming and thought we could works things out with professional help (even when I found out about the EA I was willing to try to forgive him and fix things) but we never got that far, he was too infatuated with OW to even try and now they have started a relationship. I'm heartbroken, lost and terrified. Trying to sleep but can't get images of him and his OW out of my head along with panics about the finances, what I will do for a job...everything. He has fucked up our family life, my life and our son's life and he didn't even try to fix things. The person I trusted and loved most in the world has walked away. He's like another person now. I'm just posting because I can't sleep and need a hand hold. Why is it always so much worse at night? I have never felt such agonising pain and never thought we would end up like this. I can't believe this is my life. It is like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

So it is normal. I thought it was just me not coping well. I was seeing a councellor but had to stop due to financial. Xmas isnt helping. Hes put all his new life on Facebook n deleted me. People finding out n contacting me more drama. Telling his relatives that didnt know etc. Hard.

Just wanted to quickly post to say I hope everyone on this thread has a peaceful Christmas. Do whatever you need to do to snatch some moments of joy where you can. My expectations are fairly low but I have made plans to see friends and family as much as possible either side of Christmas Day and that is keeping my spirits up. I'm looking forward to a fresh start in the New Year!

Well I've got through xmas on my own. Now just our 1st date anniversary on new years eve. Really really hard.

Hello all - I just got a ridiculous email from my ex, talking about how sorry he is for what he's done and "the grief is overwhelming." My thoughts: But he still did it, and he's not really sorry, he's just entitled, and he lied and manipulated me and other people, including coworkers, to maintain the affair.

I did not respond. Seems the sensible thing do do. He did have this line: "I wish you the best in your next chapter, and I hope you find someone much better than me to spend the rest of your life with. You deserve it." Enough said, right?

@Jen1519 when you said belting out the Christmas tunes I knew you were from north east 😂

My husband left 6 weeks ago, because “he just doesn’t love me anymore” “feelings gradually faded” “I deserve better” but no explanation of what I did - I’m still not 100% sure I believe that there’s no one else but what can I do? He won’t even speak to me now.

I’m also in North East and would definitely take you up on your offer for coffee/gin and men bashing x

@daybyday473 your post about grief resurfacing really resonated with me, I’ve been feeling exactly the same. Nearly 18 months on and I feel as if I’m ok and feel positive and then I’m overwhelmed again with grief and feeling utterly bereft at the loss. So reassuring to know it’s the same for others in the same situation.

It's the usual same excuses they use. Why dont they stop becoming boring and get the love back. Work for us. Instead of choosing another life.

Hey there everyone - I found this blog by George Simon (via Chump Lady) and it's been so helpful to open my eyes.
www.drgeorgesimon.com

Here is something he said, and it really resonates with me; maybe it will be helpful to you:
"Honesty and Character: Dishonesty is at the very heart of character disturbance. Some disturbed characters disregard the truth whereas others have outright disdain for it. And it’s bad enough that disturbed characters cheat, lie, con, and manipulate others wantonly, even when there’s no real necessity to do so. But the fact they’re unwilling or unable to be honest with themselves prevents them from reckoning with their flaws and shortcomings and making the changes they need to make to become better persons. This is not a case of “denial,” (as some misguided therapists have often assumed) unconsciously engaged in as a defense of unbearable emotional pain but rather a stubborn refusal to take the tougher, more noble course to being a decent person."

@daybyday473, thanks for sharing that extract. I love chumplady (though wish I didn’t have to use it). I was having a weak moment (a load of post arrived as he declines to change his address from that of the marital home in spite of the fact that he left 4 months ago and was already having an affair for who knows how long with his ex girlfriend of 27 years ago who he dumped twice, affair denied). He is a very disturbed character. They deserve each other but I know the road ahead is going to be hard.

Disturbed is accurate . Mine too with 27 years ago . Mind games he denies. Trying to maintain his public image.

Hi all - seeing the ex one more time today (hopefully the last) to get the rest of his belongings out of the house. It's been no-contact for four weeks (prior to this), and that time really gave me some clarity about this person and who he is. Feeling more certain that it's good to get this person out of my life for good, and turn into a place of freedom from the lies, chaos and emotional abuse.
Time and no contact does make such a difference, and I hope to get through today okay, relatively little pain. We shall see, then I am seeing a girlfriend later in the afternoon. Sending hugs to everyone just making it through. Take care, all of you!

Mine has continued to keep contact me over the last 5 months popping around for coffee, texting . I now realise it has not helped me as when I dont see him I slump again. When I see him I'm high again. But hes living with his ex and I have to accept it. Hes just being manuliptive to get what he wants.

Hi all - how is everyone doing? I survived the last day with the ex. It was awful. Had to go to the bank together (notarize vehicle transfers).
Took him all day to get the rest of his stuff out of the house. All that time near him sent me back into a dark place (later that night), unfortunately.

That's why no contact is so important. This person won't acknowledge what they've done to you, your family, your social community, your life, and they don't care. Like the crime survivor having to "host" the criminal; it was awful.

Still trying to get things going with my house. I have some repairs, need to start packing, get ready to sell. It's going to be hard. I am just going day by day right now. I know I need to get into my own space ASAP (apartment); a slog right now.

Some days, I really don't know how I'm going to do it, but then I hear the birds singing or see the moon and stars, and I tell myself it's one more day to something better. (It will be better than a cruel, liar creating chaos - that's all gone.)

As my family keeps saying, "good riddance" and "don't let one person ruin life for you" - so many people need you, love you, respect you and care about you. Many more days to come and new lovely people in my life, including all of you. Take care and hugs.

Dear @daybyday473 thanks for coming back and checking in. Sorry you had such an awful day with ex...but you got through it, you survived and you will regroup and feel strong again!

I have not been posting on this thread because I ended up gravitating towards this thread more:

Some friendly words - part 2. It's over. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3731473-Some-friendly-words-part-2-Its-over

Quite a few people on this thread are now over there including Bigpooh.

There are some amazing women going through such tough times but we are all supporting each other. Please come and join us

Got it, thanks!

@daybyday473, I’m on the friendly words thread too. It is a brilliant place to share whatever you’re going through, good days and bad days.

Bad day

Not sure what it says about me that I flip between this thread and a happy Singleton thread???

I am totally happy on my own.

But I am totally devastated by my kids being with STBXH and his other woman. And worse than that, her family. Today he sent me details of the amazing villa they have booked for them and her 4 kids and my 2 kids in summer. And tonight they have been to her dad’s for tea...

I hate it. I am trying so hard to be dignified but I just hate that they lied and cheated and now get to play happy families with my family.

Oh @PotentialSlayer god this is tough, I totally understand. You know what, it definitely is not bloody fair at all and i would feel the same in your shoes. How dare they get a happy ending after what they've done?!

BUT however "happy" their ending looks they will have problems too, it won't all be plain sailing. Their villa might be amazing but they've got 6 kids to look after!!! Not my idea of fun!!

I know it's hard (& I've not had to face this myself as my H has not yet introduced OW/GF yet but when he does it will take every ounce of self control not to want to scratch her eyes out!) but you need to focus on YOU. Every time you think of them and their fantasy happy life stop yourself and think about yourself instead.

I am also on the happily single thread (love it!) and the friendly words thread see below so I also have my feet in both camps. I am with you and we win in the end

It's bloody hard ! I feel for you OP and everyone else that's gone through it..
I've been there- caught him cheating over 10 times (combination of physical and emotional), worst was when I was 3 months pregnant. By default, I also found out he'd cheated on his previous partners ! It sickened me.

We tried to work it out (counselling etc) but I was just so paranoid. Questioning him and calling him him when he was out, and almost cried when he didn't pick up. It put such a strain our reconciliation.

He now thinks I'm controlling (which I've never been), but I think he's hurt me so much, I'm going a bit loopy !

We have a DS, and he bless him is such a good kid, despite what his dad and I are going through.

I initially thought I'd try for the sake of our DS, but now I've realised that's not the best thing for DS. We are a toxic couple and been through so much, I don't think things will ever be 'normal'.

It's so hard, but I'm hoping it will get easier with time.. it's getting easier by the day.

Why men do this, I just don't know ! They just need to grow up, take responsibility and realise life isn't a game..

I'm 4 years on from divorce. If I could go back and give myself advice I would say become more selfish. May sound wrong, but over the years I have bent over backwards to try to coparent, to stay calm, to accept shit and be the bigger person.

I'm not saying that I was completely wrong, but ahead of trying to be fair and do the right thing I wish I had focussed more on me and seen that he was, and would always be, a selfish twat.

As long as DC involved are secure and loved by at least one parent, after that think about yourselves. I have a lovely partner and family and friends, but until recently I was still bothered by my exH being horrible as I was trying to be the better person. Sod that, I'm focussing on me now. For those going through it, it will get easier with time, but do yourself a favour and prioritise yourself.

@Chocmallows I can completely see your point. I've been trying to be amicable, but it's really very difficult. It's so raw. I think my natural instinct is to protect my child, that's my priority.

Ex-partner is behaving like he's 18 again. New bachelor pad, Nights out, totally in love with g/f from 20 odd years ago, schedule swap requests because he's having a holiday (this was 4 days in to adopting a 50/50 schedule).

It's very difficult to know where to draw the line. Our child doesn't know that he's been having an affair. I feel like he's having his cake and eating it (which he is). At the moment I have to go along with this as it will be too sad for her to find out this info. She has been struggling because it came out of the blue to her.