Ex Lives In Squalour With My Children

[MrMarkyMark]

This is the first time I've posted here but I have been dealing with this for a long time and need advice on what to do.
My ex was always messy. The entire time we were together I was the person who did all the cleaning and tidying. The details would make you sick but there is too much to go into now.
We split some time ago and my two kids live with her during the week and see me every second weekend (although they do come to me a couple of evenings during the week too).
However, since we sold the house and moved to separate places, her place is almost never in a fit state for human habitation. It's filthy, clothes all over the floor, bins overflowing, dog treats on the floor, week's worth of washing up piling up, and you are barely able to walk through the living room without stepping on something or tripping over something. The toilet is filthy, and there is mould in the bathroom. She never opens a window or the curtains.
She has been diagnosed with a couple of mental health conditions and I'm pretty certain she is autistic. For this reason, I have been hesitant to raise this subject as I know it will lead to a meltdown.
Despite all this, I know she loves the kids and her way of showing love is to plan as many fun days out as possible for them. The kids also love her.

I'm at the point, however, that I don't think I can let this continue. I need your advice for the next steps.

I would offer to have them full time. And they visit her.
It sounds like she is not coping well.
Maybe she will get organised if you do.
The kids shouldn't live like that.

So one reason that I've not done something sooner is that I've always tried to maintain a good relationship with her for the sake of the kids. I've always felt that the kids having two parents who speak and work together is better than two parents that don't speak to each other.
I know that any offer to have the kids full time would lead to a meltdown. Plus I work full time and our younger son (who has been diagnosed with autism) has a lot of problems at school, so full time custody would be difficult for me. However, I do understand what you are saying.
She isn't coping well, but to be honest, she was always messy even before we had kids or even before we moved in together.

You could pay for a cleaner. Get the kids to bring their washing to yours and get it done then so you know they will always have clean pants etc. It does seem like living with you and having days out with mum might make more sense, but in the mean time, tackle the practical issues one by one.

Get a cleaner in twice a week to keep the house sorted, do the washing yourself. Add an extra day if you can to your weekend so you have Monday morning too and can make sure their uniform and PE kits and schoolbags and homework etc are regularly sorted for school.

Sounds like she needs support and specific things the main concern. Stick with the premise can’t not won’t in your head to keep your own stress levels down! Controversial suggestion: Offer to pay directly for a regular cleaner?

They sound like a loving unit. £50-£100 a week to put on the washing, change the beds, clean bathroom and kitchen. Ex will find it easier to function. You will worry less.
Teach kids to put washing in laundry bin and depending on ages sort school packed lunch and associated paraphernalia hygienically.

Pay for a cleaner once a fortnight. The mother and children will only need to get it tidy once a fortnight which is doable. It won't be clean instantly but will gradually improve.

If you get on with her and value her as a mother and maybe even a friend I think I’d offer to help her sort it out and maybe put routines in place.

No you shouldn’t have to. No it’s not your job. But I used to do voluntary work with people each week and I see this as something similar. In this instance they need help and you are family.

How old are the children, can they get involved?

I think whatever you do there is the possibility of her having a meltdown over this. Even the offer of a cleaner, people don't just let you arrange cleaners to go into their house without agreeing, which requires a conversation beforehand. I'm not sure pp's appreciate that the answer isn't that simple.
If you think whatever you di there is going to be pushback, you need to accept there will be a meltdown and take action anyway. Your kids are more important.
You may even need to involve social services to offer support and some sort of professional boundaries on what's acceptable for the kids.

The difficulty is that people who live like this often won't accept there is a problem and get massively defensive if people offer to help etc.

Have you actually had any form of conversation with her? Does she care/want to live like that? What I'm asking is do you think she'd be responsive to help? How old are the children now? Are they going to school in dirty uniforms etc? As school may very well pick up on this which could open a whole new can of worms for you all.
I'd try and approach the subject delicately with no blame, just an offer of assistance if she feels she needs it and go from there. If she is completely in denial and that's not possible then I do think, regardless of work, you lay have yo have your children more often.

How old are the children? Is this actually dangerous or damaging for the kids? I know it’s not how most of us would want to live but people do have the right to live as they please. The children are loved, presumably are healthy and well fed. Unless it’s safeguarding level then how much of your business is it?

I have adhd hoarding - its treatable on nhs ask your gp how to get her referred

Does your ex work?

They are his actual kids. It's definitely his business.

This is exactly the problem. Because of the (suspected) autism, she is liable to have a meltdown if a cleaner were to even move anything in order to clean. I'm pretty sure that she would struggle to get the place tidy enough for a cleaner to do their job.
I had this discussion (argument) with her when we were together, and she simply doesn't see having a tidy place as having any importance, saying that "fun experiences" should always be the priority.
While I agree that fun experiences are a really important part of childhood (and life), living in squalor isn't what I want for my children.

She works 25 hours a week, term time only.

See reply above

So I think it’s worth acknowledging that it is an issue she has had for many many years so it’s unlikely that she is able to sort this out quickly. And as someone who is a naturally messy person I can emphasise with her - ok My place isn’t as bad, but they were times when I look around and be like what the hell? How have you let your house get to this point?

If you do get on with her, I think you should get a cleaner in for two hours or three hours or so once a week or a fortnight.

They just do the communal area areas that the kitchen bathroom hallways living room, It could be a lot more manageable.

That is probably cheaper than taking the children in full-time and if we say she’s a good mum and the kids love her is just being able to manage the household. I think you should help Because it will make the environment better for your kids

I only asked thinking it could be a time problem.

But it seems it is not the case.

I think you do have to bring this up, and yes it will cause some upset, but it is just not fair on the children to have to live like this. If she were single and living this way, no problem. But she isn't.

Can you have the dc more than every other weekend and a few nights? Perhaps swing the conversation that you don't want the dc to think this is a normal way to live, and that you need to show them otherwise.

I think the dc mental health is more of a pressing issue here than your ex's I am sorry to say. She is a grown adult who needs to take responsibility for herself. The dc are not.

They are 15 and 13. While they always have clean clothes (the clothes washing has always been her obsession), I don't believe that this level of messiness and dirtiness is healthy for my children, both from a physical point of view, nor from the point of view of their own well-being. Going home each evening to such mess and dirt isn't good for anyone's well-being, and it doesn't show my children good standards that they should expect for themselves going forward into adult life.

No kids should be living like this especially one with autism. I would raise concerns with social services, at least she might see then that she has to make changes/ agree to support if she wants to continue having the children live with her.

Do they ever have friends over? I am assuming not as they are probably embarrassed.

You have to step in now, for your teen's sakes.

So you want for your ex to change but you won’t take the kids FT because it would cramp your lifestyle/earnings?

Many mothers left to protect their kids knowing it would tank their careers and worse but they put their kids safety first, why don’t you?

I agree Op this isn't great. My EX SIL was like that, but it turns out she was massively struggling. My brother then had the kids more and she's much better now.

Why do you see your kids so little? Do 50/50 and then there's less pressure on her.

I'm not sure my ex's mental health is fixable. I spent years trying. She has been diagnosed with ADHD and BPD, and as I said, I'm pretty certain she would get an autism diagnosis were she to be assessed. She has a number of traits that are very similar to my autistic son. Meltdowns, sensory issues (hates tight clothes fragrances, jewellery etc), doesn't understand many social conventions, blissfully unaware of what's going on around her (both of them walk into traffic without looking!), the list goes on.

I could have the kids more often. I have even delicately raised the subject with my elder son. But I know this would send her spiralling were I to suggest it, even compassionately.

"Worried" but not worried enough to have the kids more than 2 nights in 14. Alright then. 👍