Ex Lives In Squalour With My Children

[MrMarkyMark]

This is the first time I've posted here but I have been dealing with this for a long time and need advice on what to do.
My ex was always messy. The entire time we were together I was the person who did all the cleaning and tidying. The details would make you sick but there is too much to go into now.
We split some time ago and my two kids live with her during the week and see me every second weekend (although they do come to me a couple of evenings during the week too).
However, since we sold the house and moved to separate places, her place is almost never in a fit state for human habitation. It's filthy, clothes all over the floor, bins overflowing, dog treats on the floor, week's worth of washing up piling up, and you are barely able to walk through the living room without stepping on something or tripping over something. The toilet is filthy, and there is mould in the bathroom. She never opens a window or the curtains.
She has been diagnosed with a couple of mental health conditions and I'm pretty certain she is autistic. For this reason, I have been hesitant to raise this subject as I know it will lead to a meltdown.
Despite all this, I know she loves the kids and her way of showing love is to plan as many fun days out as possible for them. The kids also love her.

I'm at the point, however, that I don't think I can let this continue. I need your advice for the next steps.

I'm not using any excuses. I want my ex to be in my kids' lives, and I want to help her, but I want advice on how to broach the subject of assistance without causing a meltdown and affecting the otherwise good relationship that we have.
What I do know from history is taking the kids more will not mean she suddenly starts keeping the place clean and tidy. She was just this untidy and messy when living alone.

As I've already said, I have them every second weekend, two evenings a week, Friday evenings when I have them on the weekend, two full weeks every summer, a week at Christmas, and frequent evenings when she is going to see friends or to watch bands.
At my place I have a number of rules that they adhere to. I set an example and they follow it. They don't have the same example set to them at their mum's.

@MrMarkyMark tbh I think k you need to step up more. .
Your ex works 25 hrs she has the kids full time ?
and she has health issues ?
So seems a 50/50 split be best and you find childcare for your self for work on your 50%

Can you and your ex if you can help her get the place in a fit state . Also then if you have the kids more it may be more manageable , it may not if her head doesn’t work that way .

I get you have rules but do you actually show them - this is the step by step process of cleaning a toilet/washing your clothes/putting dishwasher on? It might be worth doing a few of these tasks in the summer when you have them for longer, as well as broaching to the children generic stuff about how a tidy and organised space positively impacts your mind, grades and health. So you're not slamming your ex but making them be more open minded and form their own habits/thoughts.
Do they complain about how they live? I'm struggling to see how they do hobbies and have stuff organised for studying

This conversation isn't about me having the kids more. The situation is an agreement between my ex and me taking various factors into account. I would be willing to have the kids more but that is a last resort for both of us.

What I need is advice on how to raise the subject of her keeping her place cleaner and tidier for the sake of the kids. I know it will be difficult but I would like to do it in a compassionate way and that's what I need some help with.

There is no way to broach this without causing issues. You have said, repeatedly, that she doesn't cope and doesn't care about the mess, or even makes it on purpose. So your choice is let your DC continue to live like this or make a fuss. That's it. Those are your choices.

And no, two weeks in the summer and a week at christmas is not exactly taking on your share of the holiday load.

I really do believe you want what's best for your DC but this attitude from men when they're doing the bare minimum that they're going above and beyond is exhausting. I am sure that compared to many other dads you are doing 1000x more. And your intentions are good. But you honestly can't see the reality that your ex is taking on the majority of the burden.

Yes, you have already said that. But it isn't even your fair share of parenting, and unfortunately sometimes we have to do more than our fair share for our kids sake. You need to step up. This has clearly been an issue for years, there's no excuse for you to still be dithering about. Your kids are nearly grown up for goodness sake.

Well chatgpt said something like this

Here’s a gentle, non-judgmental message template you can adapt depending on your relationship and communication style. It’s written to come across as supportive, not critical, while still addressing concerns:---Subject (if email): Just checking in – anything I can help with?

Hi [Name],I hope things are okay your end. I wanted to check in and see how everything’s going—especially with the kids.I know life can get hectic, and sometimes everything piles up at once. If there's anything I can do to help—whether it's a quick tidy-up, running errands, or giving you a bit of a break—please don’t hesitate to say. I’m not judging at all; we all go through rough patches.At the end of the day, I just want things to be as smooth and comfortable as possible for [child/ren], and if there’s any way I can support that on my side, I’m happy to help.Take care,[Your Name]---💡

Optional Add-Ons (If Relevant):“Would it be helpful if I took the kids for an extra night this week so you can catch up on rest or house bits?”“I’ve been doing a deep clean at mine and realised how easily it gets out of hand—let me know if you want a hand or a break to reset.”

--Tone Tips:Avoid listing specific complaints or making it sound like an intervention.Position it as a shared challenge (e.g. "we all get overwhelmed")

Here’s a version of the message that gently offers either help with cleaning or having the kids more often—without sounding judgmental or like you're trying to take over:-Subject (if email): Just checking in – here if you need anythingHi [Name],I hope you’re doing okay. I know how relentless everything can feel sometimes—especially when you're juggling the kids, work, and everything else on your own. I completely get how things can pile up.If it would be helpful, I’d be happy to take the kids a bit more often for now—just to give you a bit of breathing room. No pressure at all, just putting it out there in case some extra downtime would make a difference.Alternatively, I could also arrange for a cleaner to pop in and help get things back to a more manageable place—I'd be happy to cover it. Sometimes a fresh reset can make everything feel a bit less overwhelming.I’m not saying this with any judgment—just want to support however I can and make sure things feel OK for everyone, especially the kids.Let me know if either option would help, or if there’s anything else I can do.Take care,[Your Name]-

Many kids have grown up in dirty houses, I suspect SS will simply say they are loved and cared for and wouldn't do much practically and the damage to your fragile co parenting could be horrendous. I think all you can do is what your doing now, showing them the alternative way to live, they are teens they are not stupid, they see what their friends homes are like, your home. Hopefully they will naturally gravitate to yours in the next couple of years, have friends round to your home rather than hers. Most importantly they know it's not the norm.
Worst case scenario is SS remove them, then what do you do, it would be 100% not 50/50.
How ballistic would she be if you swooped round with a bin bag next time you pick the kids up?
I like digdongdoo's suggestion that you teach them how to keep their own spaces clean.

How can the cleaner clean if there's stuff all over the floor. Anyone with untidy/hoarder relatives will understand what I mean. The place needs to be de-cluttered first and hoarders go mad if anything is thrown away.

@MrMarkyMark you have the kids 3 weeks a year and very second weekend . And two nights a week for a few hours ?
I know you’re concerned about your kids but you feel it’s your right to have the kids around your work . Both parents need to juggle their work around the kids.

What is your suggestion when you approach your ex ? What would you like the outcome to be?

I would stop worrying about her having a meltdown as you put it and just tell her the place is a mess you need to get it sorted.
Its not about her its about your kids. If she cant do it then she needs outside help. Or the kids to move .
Or get social services involved. Maybe she will listen to them.
If she can work and go out for fun days or whatever you said then she can tidy.
You can help her plan to do one room at a time. Get her a skip. Cleaning stuff. Make a plan.
But dont just avoid for fear of her temper.
If its that bad then maybe you do need to get another family member or agency to speak to her.

I'm not sure that you can to be honest. It sounds as if instead what you need to do is to make clear to your teens that they're welcome at yours as often as they want to be. They're old enough for their feelings to take precedent no matter their mother's feelings on the subject.

For example, your 15-year-old will really need a calm, ordered space as they enter the exam phase of their education. You could always make clear that they're welcome to come to yours every night if necessary and give them a lift home at night. You can't force change on someone else; all you can do is make sure you offer your children respite, lessons on self-care (keeping you and your environment is key to self-care), and limit the impact as much as possible.

Do you help with the Sen admin / dealing with services for autistic child. This takes up a huge amount of my time. Can you make sure your child is accessing all the help they are entitled to eg short breaks, school transport, travel training etc. I can’t see child protection intervening but they are entitled to a child in need (disabled child) and parent carer assessment. That may lead to some professional input into the home at a lower voluntary level via the child.

Can you support her to get an official diagnosis.

I got diagnosed in April 2024.

This year I was offered some OT appointments and was referred to adult social care for a care act assessment.

I have been offered a PA for life admin, external support and for running errands, and I've also been offered a cleaning service weekly all through the social care system.

My son is also diagnosed, and his needs were factored into my care plan because we are both consistently burnt out, and struggle to maintain a habitable home because of this.

The help is there, there's no judgement, and I think she needs the opportunity to deny that help before you go in all guns blazing and offer to have the kids full time.

You also say you couldn't have them full time because their needs are incompatible with your current life, well, it's extremely difficult to have a child or children with SEN, never mind being a disabled and burnt out adult yourself.

Given what you've said, and the history from way back when she was single, I don't think there's a cat in hell's chance of her ever keeping a reasonably tidy and hygienic home. There just isn't

Where would the kids choose to live if they had the choice? If they lived with you and that put you in a better financial position, could you afford help with cover for the school holidays and any after school supervision?

I mean this as kindly as possible, but it sounds like you've got some cognitive dissonance going on.

You've a. Recognised that she is very likely autistic herself, and b. Recognised that she is chronically overwhelmed. You aren't putting the two together.

I know you want what is best for your children however you sound really judgemental of your ex.

She is most likely chronically overwhelmed, seeking control of her environment even when it's messy, and highly emotional when change is suggested BECAUSE she has lived all her life with unmet needs due to being undiagnosed, which is why she was this way both before and after children.

It is extremely difficult to accept help and support from people who you feel judged by. It is genuinely traumatic, and when they try and poke their way into your business it just resurfaces all of that trauma, and increases burnout.

If you want to help you need to approach this from a place where there's no judgement and only support and flexibility.

Your relationship with her has dissolved, hence why she is an ex, and so an element of trust will be gone too.

That trust needs to be re-established in order to be in a place to support her.

You're right that she probably won't change if you have the kids, because having no kids doesn't suddenly make you proficient in executive functioning and sequencing and planning. It's a neurodevelopmental disability. That disability will always be there.

You only to have to watch programmes like Sort Your Life Out or Big House Clearout to realise that lots of families live in a mess. Social Services are not going to be interested if children are cared for physically and their health and education are taken care of. The idea that everyone lives in a clean, calm environment for their GCSEs is palpably untrue. Many families live in quite overcrowded homes with siblings sharing rooms and no study or dining room. Somehow they survive.

What does the 15 year old really think and want? I suspect there is quite a bit of parentificiation happening when he's with his mum - does he prepare the 13 year old for school? What is his room there like, is it extremely tidy, or at least tidier than the rest of the house?

I hope you'll be able to offer a quiet study environment for GCSEs/further education.

I think you have to do what you have control over. You used to live with her and you couldn't sort the problem then, so I don't think you have a chance now. A referral to social care would likely blow things apart between you and may not necessarily result in anything tangible. Lots of people have dirty messy homes, unless your children are in direct danger, they may not have resources to call upon, budgets being what they are.

Better to set a good example for your children, as you are doing now, and offer them more time with you if this is possible. And remember there is more to parenting than having a clean home, though I do understand why you struggle with the standards they are living in at their mother's.

I think you need a third party to help you sit down and negotiate a solution with your ex. Perhaps a grandparent, a special needs teacher (if your child has one) a social worker ... or a professional mediator, if there is no one else. Your local Mind charity might have a suggestion.

What was the thinking behind allowing their mother to be resident parent if she has a history of being physically abusive? Even if not directed to them, you knew she had mental health difficulties and was physically abusive. I’m struggling to understand the decision to allow her to be resident parent when you broke up?

What does your 15 yo think about the state of mum's house? Are they concerned? Do they want you to intervene? What would they like to happen? They probably know mum best.

outside help is needed, especially if the BPD is borderline, you can’t approach it with her. Have you read a book called “walking on eggshells”?

Who else in your lives can report this? Do the DC have friends home? Approach one of their parents to report to school? Might she accept the help of a PA?

I can't get over how you think 2 overnights once a fortnight and 2 evenings a week, 3 weeks in the summer and one at Christmas is 50/50 parenting.

If she matched your version of 50/50 the children wouldn't have a bed to sleep in 5 nights a week. One evening a week they wouldn't be fed at all. And 5 weeks of the school holidays they'd be on their own as the 50/50 calculation doesn't add up.