Ex Lives In Squalour With My Children

[MrMarkyMark]

This is the first time I've posted here but I have been dealing with this for a long time and need advice on what to do.
My ex was always messy. The entire time we were together I was the person who did all the cleaning and tidying. The details would make you sick but there is too much to go into now.
We split some time ago and my two kids live with her during the week and see me every second weekend (although they do come to me a couple of evenings during the week too).
However, since we sold the house and moved to separate places, her place is almost never in a fit state for human habitation. It's filthy, clothes all over the floor, bins overflowing, dog treats on the floor, week's worth of washing up piling up, and you are barely able to walk through the living room without stepping on something or tripping over something. The toilet is filthy, and there is mould in the bathroom. She never opens a window or the curtains.
She has been diagnosed with a couple of mental health conditions and I'm pretty certain she is autistic. For this reason, I have been hesitant to raise this subject as I know it will lead to a meltdown.
Despite all this, I know she loves the kids and her way of showing love is to plan as many fun days out as possible for them. The kids also love her.

I'm at the point, however, that I don't think I can let this continue. I need your advice for the next steps.

You say you can’t have the children as you work and one has difficulties.

Most people work and some kids have difficulties. So just make it happen if you think that’s best. Change your hours, get flexibility, put your kids first. What do you think single mums do?

If you don’t want the kids or they don’t want to stay with you then pay for a cleaner, get the kids to muck in or do it yourself. Or, even better, tackle the root cause by paying for therapy so she can learn coping strategies.

Im annoyed that having the kids wouldn’t work for you but it’s clearly not working for mum, is it, and she has no choice.

How do your children feel about their home?

Their Mum is obviously struggling and you can’t have them more. Have you spoken to them about helping out? Both children are old enough to be able to take a bin out or do some washing up.

How do you know about all this?
Is it through being in the house yourself, or have the DCs raised these things with you?

I would focus on the hygiene and potential health issues- dirty toilet and mould, rather than mess.
Do any of the children have health problems that could be made worse by black mould eh respiratory system issues, asthma, allergies?

If so, if it were me, I'd be going in and dealing with it myself. Get a strong mould remover spray, they work in half an hour.

I would say I see my kids a lot. It's basically 50-50 but they go back to her place to sleep as it's easier for them to get to school, as I have to leave early to get to the office. I'm basically in the office 50 hours a week while she works 25 hours a week term time only. I also have them for two full weeks in the summer and a week at Christmas.
The last time she had them for Christmas Day she gave them a pizza each for Christmas dinner. I've had them every year since.

I think you should be prioritising your children's wellbeing over avoiding your ex having a meltdown and spiralling. You need to have an honest conversation with her and tell her that you want to have the children at least 50/50. If she is unreasonable, you will need to apply to family courts to have an order put in place - you can also involve social services if you feel the home environment is unsanitary.

You definitely need to have them over more often, regardless of a meltdown. They're teens so can make up their own mind, anyway! Just frame it as wanting to spend more time and take them away for small hols or hobbies.
If your younger son is having a hard time at school look at changing schools or increasing sen provision? How could you help support? Pay for a mentor or tutor?
Living in filth is neglect, you could report to SS in theory but I don't think they'd do much when the kids are older

Yes, I've been in her place. I often go in when I pick the kids up. My elder son had asthma when he was younger but doesn't seem to have respiratory issues now.

Yes, kindly, that's what I'd do if finances/she allowed it.

Your response to any suggestion, even just talking to your ex, seems to be that it would lead to some discomfort that you won't countenance.

What did you think that people might suggest that would lead to an improvement that would be achievable by doing nothing at all?

Yes, this is what I have been avoiding. I have been trying to maintain a good relationship for the kids and I know this will change if I take these steps. But I feel at this point like I can't let it continue.

I'd like to see her side. Here's my perspective from someone who is also autistic.
She works 25 hours per week but also does all of the child rearing 12/14 days.
She's autistic but instead of real support, she's getting blame and judgement.
She's autistic and being left as the sole carer of an autistic child. If the one who has been diagnosed is a boy and the other a girl there's a high chance they are all autistic. It's genetic and girls are missed.
The children are old enough to pull their weight in the house. The ex shouldn't have the sole responsibility because you want father of the year awards for doing the bare minimum.

Thanks. I guess that a long history of her meltdowns and walking on eggshells (threats of suicide, self harm etc) has left me in a position where I know that action will cause personal trauma. So the reason I'm posting here and getting these responses is to confirm the steps that I know deep down I need to take in order to do the right thing for my kids. The flip side is that the kids currently have two parents who work together and that will likely end if I take the drastic steps needed.

Can you see how you are giving excuses to not deal with what needs to be dealt with.

You don't want to rock the boat, but you also don't want your children living how they are.

Something has to give OP. Only you get to decide which.

She's struggling and she can't cope sufficiently to maintain an acceptable environment for the kids.

You have two possible options - either help her to put in place support that will get the home environment up to an acceptable standard for the children, or have the children move in with you.

For instance - you don't want to have the kids full-time because of work. Fine. But could you go over there for a few hours a week and help her sort the place out? Would she accept your help? Sometimes "body-doubling" helps with these things.

You might think it's not my job and that's why you left the relationship in the first place. And that's true. But if the alternative is having the kids full-time and your view is that she's otherwise a loving mother who keeps them fed and clean, that few hours a week might be less trouble than having them full-time.

That's not the case at all.

I've already said that I have the kids two evenings a week (from 6pm until they go back to hers to go to bed), and on the weekends I have them I have them from Friday evening until they go back to go to bed on Sunday evening. I have them on other evenings and overnight so that she can see friends and go to watch bands etc. I have them for two full weeks in the summer and a week at Christmas. I also contribute financially and by the time I've paid my mortgage (she owns her place outright) I have less disposable income than her, despite working more than twice as many hours.

I spent years living with her while also being the victim of significant emotional and physical abuse. I stayed because I wanted to be there for the kids but in the end I could take no more.

As for the kids pulling their weight, they probably would if the place wasn't such a mess. Where would they start when their mum lives in such squalour. While they could help it's not their responsibility to clean and tidy for their mum.

Ok now I see the ahdh, BPD & autism- she sounds like my exs ex and she was a nightmare - But it got to the point where she was asking for more help and acknowledge that she was struggling. I think, just keep offering her help, offer to have the kids more if she needs it don’t go in hostile because she could then flip out. You want to keep relationships as calm and stable as they can be

At 15 and 13 and a parent who works, the kids should be doing stuff around the house. Bins, wiping down surfaces, picking up stray dog treats, relocating items. Sure, their mum should too, but it sounds like life must be a bit of a battle for her with all those diagnoses and also a job (in a school? Pretty full on if so)

You absolutely need to step up and take both kids more often (not just the older non-disabled one). Doesn’t need to be a massive scene, surely the kids will vote with their feet if they are unhappy. If it’s hard to get to school from yours, you should facilitate and change yr office hours.

Nobody has asked you what your children think about all this? Have you?

The children are old enough to keep their own bedrooms clean and tidy. I did this from being 11 or 12. Our house was always chaotic and it was my oasis.

I spent years living with her while also being the victim of significant emotional and physical abuse. I stayed because I wanted to be there for the kids but in the end I could take no more.

Why did you leave the kids with her if it was this bad?

If your partner was physically abusive why did you leave your children there.

you have them from 6pm until bedtime, where are they 3-6pm? With mum?

you need to have whole evenings with them, where they sleep at yours. You can drop them nearer school and if you actually have them 50:50 nights you won’t need to pay Maintenece and so can spend that directly on your children. Also the fact you have to get into the office is the case in point. Single mothers change their lives and work patterns and often have to claim UC to facilitate their children’s lives and to facilitate dads like you who have opinions on how they look after the kids, but are to busy with their big man job to actually change their situation at all.

have your kids properly 50:50, have 50% of the child benefit and start from there. Then a proper 50% of the time the children will be in a clean nest home. Until you’ve done that you have little influence

I don't think she has a say here

I appreciate the difficulties, but next time you go round, could you clean the bathroom? Would she object to that? Could you and the kids have a big tidy up?

I'm an autistic adult and honestly she could have all the meltdowns and freak outs she likes. There's no way my children would live in that squalor . Social services won't care about her meltdowns

I appreciate the difficult situation you are in but I can only see 2 choices here.

1. Leave things as they are and the kids grow up in an unsuitable filthy environment. 2)Accept that the only way of dealing with it is going to cause some or alot of fallout with her. You give her a time line to make the house liveable, and if this is not met you report to social services. Or if you know the timeline wouldn't work go straight to social services and let the professionals deal with it. This is no way for kids to live, she needs professional help.

I appreciate the softly approaches others have suggested - help, cleaners etc - that ship has sailed and will get you nowhere. I think this is a job for the professionals and you shouldn't feel bad. Your kids come first.