Page 6 | Ex Lives In Squalour With My Children

MrMarkyMark · 2025-07-30T07:28:42+00:00

This is the first time I've posted here but I have been dealing with this for a long time and need advice on what to do. My ex was always messy. The entire time we were together I was the person who did all the cleaning and tidying. The details would make you sick but there is too much to go into now. We split some time ago and my two kids live with her during the week and see me every second weekend (although they do come to me a couple of evenings during the week too). However, since we sold the house and moved to separate places, her place is almost never in a fit state for human habitation. It's filthy, clothes all over the floor, bins overflowing, dog treats on the floor, week's worth of washing up piling up, and you are barely able to walk through the living room without stepping on something or tripping over something. The toilet is filthy, and there is mould in the bathroom. She never opens a window or the curtains. She has been diagnosed with a couple of mental health conditions and I'm pretty certain she is autistic. For this reason, I have been hesitant to raise this subject as I know it will lead to a meltdown. Despite all this, I know she loves the kids and her way of showing love is to plan as many fun days out as possible for them. The kids also love her. I'm at the point, however, that I don't think I can let this continue. I need your advice for the next steps.

saraclara · 30/07/2025 17:37

Timetochangemyname · 30/07/2025 14:32

Your ex has an awful lot on her plate as she has to make up for your lack of parenting. If youre concerned about your DCs living conditions you should be doing 50/50. You are letting them down. I appreciate that ex doesn't seem to want help right now, but maybe when she has more time to breathe and is less overwhelmed she may become more ontop of things.

When she was single, she was the same. I don't see any chance that she'll improve, even if OP had the kids full time. She has numerous mental health issues, so it's not about what OP does. He did all the housework when he lived with her, so it's not like he's a house-keeping shirker.

saraclara · 30/07/2025 17:39

Sellenis · 30/07/2025 15:41

I didn't say it was lovely and simple, I said it was a start. It could have been worth trying.

FWIW I have organised (and occasionally paid for) both cleaners and domicilliary care for my ex. I've also sorted food deliveries, home insurance, problems with the council, and numerous other things. I've done that for friends, actually, too, from time to time. It's the sort of thing you end up doing when someone can't do it themselves, for whatever reason. It is possible to help others, in a practical and nonjudgmental way, I promise, even people you've split up with or who have really difficult personalities.

OP has already said that she will not accept that help, paid or otherwise. He's already tried.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 30/07/2025 17:47

MrMarkyMark · 30/07/2025 11:03

I'm not using any excuses. I want my ex to be in my kids' lives, and I want to help her, but I want advice on how to broach the subject of assistance without causing a meltdown and affecting the otherwise good relationship that we have.
What I do know from history is taking the kids more will not mean she suddenly starts keeping the place clean and tidy. She was just this untidy and messy when living alone.

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The point isn't about her improving the house. The point is about helping your children out.

In any situation, you can't change anyone else's behaviour (or living situation). You will never change your ex. The only person in the equation you can change is yourself.

So you need to have them more, to give them a little more distance from the situation. The nights they spend with you, you need to let them stay the night and come up with a solution of a way to get them to school. Either by themselves, by you getting them there, or a regular uber.

meisafairy · 30/07/2025 17:52

You could frame it as you are doing favour but you and the children could clean that house top to bottom and you could if you can afford it get her a cleaner once a fortnight just for everybody’s mental health involved obviously happy kids happy life.
you could angle it as a surprise, and because she knows she’s very overwhelmed with things and you want to do something to help.
I know you don’t have to do any of the above, but it might be the calmest solution all round.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 30/07/2025 17:58

Do you live nearby? Could you have them say from 7 each evening?

AlertEagle · 30/07/2025 18:33

offer to clean the house and wash the clothes or get a cleaner if it doesnt work out contact social services as this is neglect

Testerical · 30/07/2025 19:43

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2025 09:45

If you'd ever been in a house like that you would see that kids who are used to it wouldn't know where to start

Especially the one with autism.

It's not their job to make their home habitable - it's the job of the parent and she's not doing it

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Id be inclined to agree with this if I didn’t have one AuDDhd and one probably but undiagnosed autistic child. The first is very clean and tidy and cannot abide mess of any sort at the other parent’s house to the extent they have now stopped going there. The younger one couldn’t care less about order and tidiness - met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person, as the saying goes.

I disagree about it not being everyone’s job to keep a clean and tidy home. I go by the principl that kids should have more free time thqn adults but not a complete get out of free card for housework: it’s a household - everyone contributes

Testerical · 30/07/2025 19:46

I know that kids who don’t grow up with clean, tidy homes can sometimes lack modelling for good domestic behaviours. But this isn’t the case here, surely, if the kids have another parent who runs a nice, clean, comfy home with everything they need?

spotddog · 30/07/2025 20:15

Am I the only one reading that this woman is LAZY A DIRTY B…. No matter who/how many people clean she will continue to throw dog treats on the floor, stack used tea bags, leave uneaten food around for flies, put her children in dirty clothes, most likely leave dog poo around etc.

She will resent a cleaner and make their job so difficult they will leave. Would you clean if someone was so disrespectful that they continue this behaviour while/after you clean?

To say @MrMarkyMarkis not doing enough is, in my opinion, deliberately putting another man down. He works hard to support his family and himself and needs the extra hours pay to cover this.

My advice would be to ask your children or ask another trusted adult, how they feel living in these conditions. Perhaps ask their schools also. As teenagers they must be very ashamed of their living conditions especially after seeing how friends live. I’m surprised they are not being bullied considering the number of posts on this site about loved and well cared for children being singled out.

@MrMarkyMarkmy only question to
you is why you married and had children with such a person? Her MH issues are another issue but why have children? Part of me recognises how this happens having seen someone, not as dirty as your ex, go on to have 3 plus twins. Husband was self made hard worker trying to deal with kids.

You need to seek help from school and any other witnesses to this abuse otherwise you are also an abuser. Your ex is where she is, your children have a life ahead and if you don’t address this now you will most likely subject their future partners and your grandchildren to the same.

MyDadWasAnArse · 30/07/2025 21:05

Testerical · 30/07/2025 19:46

I know that kids who don’t grow up with clean, tidy homes can sometimes lack modelling for good domestic behaviours. But this isn’t the case here, surely, if the kids have another parent who runs a nice, clean, comfy home with everything they need?

I grew up in a rathole and it's made me into a clean freak at home and work.

Nanny0gg · 31/07/2025 11:27

Testerical · 30/07/2025 19:43

Id be inclined to agree with this if I didn’t have one AuDDhd and one probably but undiagnosed autistic child. The first is very clean and tidy and cannot abide mess of any sort at the other parent’s house to the extent they have now stopped going there. The younger one couldn’t care less about order and tidiness - met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person, as the saying goes.

I disagree about it not being everyone’s job to keep a clean and tidy home. I go by the principl that kids should have more free time thqn adults but not a complete get out of free card for housework: it’s a household - everyone contributes

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The operative word there is 'keep' (which I agree with) rather than 'start'

StMarie4me · 31/07/2025 11:44

Is it mess or filth? There’s a real difference and mess won’t harm the kids.

anytipswelcome · 31/07/2025 13:11

StMarie4me · 31/07/2025 11:44

Is it mess or filth? There’s a real difference and mess won’t harm the kids.

Bins overflowing, always filthy toilet and mould growing sounds more on the harmful side than the messy side.

Sellenis · 31/07/2025 13:43

saraclara · 30/07/2025 17:39

OP has already said that she will not accept that help, paid or otherwise. He's already tried.

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I was responding to a specific comment made by someone else, not the OP.

Original poster

MrMarkyMark · 01/08/2025 08:48

MageQueen · 30/07/2025 11:12

There is no way to broach this without causing issues. You have said, repeatedly, that she doesn't cope and doesn't care about the mess, or even makes it on purpose. So your choice is let your DC continue to live like this or make a fuss. That's it. Those are your choices.

And no, two weeks in the summer and a week at christmas is not exactly taking on your share of the holiday load.

I really do believe you want what's best for your DC but this attitude from men when they're doing the bare minimum that they're going above and beyond is exhausting. I am sure that compared to many other dads you are doing 1000x more. And your intentions are good. But you honestly can't see the reality that your ex is taking on the majority of the burden.

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I use practically all of my annual leave looking after the kids. While my ex gets all the school holidays off, so I would disagree that I'm not taking my fair share of the holiday load.

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Original poster

MrMarkyMark · 01/08/2025 08:50

anytipswelcome · 31/07/2025 13:11

Bins overflowing, always filthy toilet and mould growing sounds more on the harmful side than the messy side.

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Yes, maggots in the food waste, flies everywhere, food left on plates in the living room for days on end.

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Original poster

MrMarkyMark · 01/08/2025 08:55

Nanny0gg · 31/07/2025 11:27

The operative word there is 'keep' (which I agree with) rather than 'start'

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Exactly. It's not my kids' responsibility to say, "Hey mum, you realise you and we live in absolute squalor? Don't worry, we'll do all the cleaning and tidying for you".

That wouldn't be doing their share, it would be doing it all - just like I used to do.

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Original poster

MrMarkyMark · 01/08/2025 09:03

spotddog · 30/07/2025 20:15

Am I the only one reading that this woman is LAZY A DIRTY B…. No matter who/how many people clean she will continue to throw dog treats on the floor, stack used tea bags, leave uneaten food around for flies, put her children in dirty clothes, most likely leave dog poo around etc.

She will resent a cleaner and make their job so difficult they will leave. Would you clean if someone was so disrespectful that they continue this behaviour while/after you clean?

To say @MrMarkyMarkis not doing enough is, in my opinion, deliberately putting another man down. He works hard to support his family and himself and needs the extra hours pay to cover this.

My advice would be to ask your children or ask another trusted adult, how they feel living in these conditions. Perhaps ask their schools also. As teenagers they must be very ashamed of their living conditions especially after seeing how friends live. I’m surprised they are not being bullied considering the number of posts on this site about loved and well cared for children being singled out.

@MrMarkyMarkmy only question to
you is why you married and had children with such a person? Her MH issues are another issue but why have children? Part of me recognises how this happens having seen someone, not as dirty as your ex, go on to have 3 plus twins. Husband was self made hard worker trying to deal with kids.

You need to seek help from school and any other witnesses to this abuse otherwise you are also an abuser. Your ex is where she is, your children have a life ahead and if you don’t address this now you will most likely subject their future partners and your grandchildren to the same.

@spotddog

Top paragraph - you've hit the nail on the head.

Second paragraph - I don't think my kids invite friends around to their mum's place. My younger son is autistic, doesn't have friends, and to be honest I think he's just as oblivious as she is.

Third paragraph - That's a whole other subject, one which I have spent many sleepless nights trying to work out for myself. Deep down, she's a good, kind person, and for quite some time I truly believed that I could fix her issues. I'm not someone who gives up quickly. At first I did love her, and a large part of me thought she would step up when we had kids. So so much more to go into here but this isn't the thread for it!

Thank you. You seem to be one of the few people who actually gets what I'm saying.

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Original poster

MrMarkyMark · 01/08/2025 09:07

"You need to seek help from school and any other witnesses to this abuse otherwise you are also an abuser. Your ex is where she is, your children have a life ahead and if you don’t address this now you will most likely subject their future partners and your grandchildren to the same."

Yes, this is what I've been wrestling with for some time. Which is why I'm here. It's never as simple as just calling social services or whatever, because our children are lucky to have two parents who get along, and that won't be the case if I take these steps.

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Digdongdoo · 01/08/2025 09:10

MrMarkyMark · 01/08/2025 08:48

I use practically all of my annual leave looking after the kids. While my ex gets all the school holidays off, so I would disagree that I'm not taking my fair share of the holiday load.

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It still isn't your fair share though is it? Nothing stopping you finding a term time only job too. And "practically all", why not totally all plus some unpaid leave when necessary? That's what most parents have to do, even more so when there's mental health struggles and additional needs involved.
You're just another dad not really pulling his weight, and waiting until the hardest slog is over before deciding mum isn't good enough.
If you'd posted this 5 years ago I'd have had a lot more sympathy.

Mumofoneandone · 01/08/2025 09:13

MrMarkyMark · 01/08/2025 09:07

"You need to seek help from school and any other witnesses to this abuse otherwise you are also an abuser. Your ex is where she is, your children have a life ahead and if you don’t address this now you will most likely subject their future partners and your grandchildren to the same."

Yes, this is what I've been wrestling with for some time. Which is why I'm here. It's never as simple as just calling social services or whatever, because our children are lucky to have two parents who get along, and that won't be the case if I take these steps.

On one hand children are lucky their parents get on but not when you are complicit in allowing them to live in such dire circumstances.
It may well be that once everything has exploded, been arranged so children live with you mainly and your ex gets the help she desperately needs, things can be cordial again.
Even if they're not, your children will come to understand why you did what you did as they grow up.

Original poster

MrMarkyMark · 01/08/2025 09:15

Mumofoneandone · 30/07/2025 13:33

There are 2 slightly different issues here about the state of the house. Mess is 1 thing and unhygienic/lack of cleaning is another. My main concern would be the lack of cleaning and tidying up waste, leading to flies laying eggs and so forth. This is not a suitable environment for anyone to be living in - particularly children.
Whilst I accept your ex has some diagnoses, she is prioritising being fun mum over basic household chores and your children will be suffering. She is not suitable to be the main resident parent, she is neglecting the children and her emotional outbursts/abuse if she is challenged is also if concern.
Sadly, you have tried to maintain the relationship with your ex, so your children have parents having an amicable relationship but it's not working. You have to put your children first by having them live with you the majority of the time. Their mum can then be the fun mum she wants to be and potentially get help with managing her conditions and the environment she lives in.
You are living in fear of her reactions, so she is continuing to abuse you, and to a degree, the children.
If it has to get to court, then it does. You may have to get SS involved, but this is definitely a safeguarding situation. Possibly get young carers referral made through the school/GP, so they can get support there.
FWIW, I have my own severe disability and children, so can understand how hard these situations can be. If I did split with my DH, he would likely have to have them much of the time because I simply couldn't manage to care for them properly. I have a cleaner and do the bulk of the washing/tidying. Am also teaching and encouraging the children to be involved with household chores, so they can learn to look after themselves in the long term....
I wish you good luck with a very complex situation.

Thanks for this response. I agree with you.

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Original poster

MrMarkyMark · 01/08/2025 09:17

Digdongdoo · 01/08/2025 09:10

It still isn't your fair share though is it? Nothing stopping you finding a term time only job too. And "practically all", why not totally all plus some unpaid leave when necessary? That's what most parents have to do, even more so when there's mental health struggles and additional needs involved.
You're just another dad not really pulling his weight, and waiting until the hardest slog is over before deciding mum isn't good enough.
If you'd posted this 5 years ago I'd have had a lot more sympathy.

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Being able to pay my mortgage is what is stopping me finding a term time only job.

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Original poster

MrMarkyMark · 01/08/2025 09:17

Mumofoneandone · 01/08/2025 09:13

On one hand children are lucky their parents get on but not when you are complicit in allowing them to live in such dire circumstances.
It may well be that once everything has exploded, been arranged so children live with you mainly and your ex gets the help she desperately needs, things can be cordial again.
Even if they're not, your children will come to understand why you did what you did as they grow up.

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Yes, thanks for this reply.

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Timetochangemyname · 01/08/2025 09:20

Digdongdoo · 01/08/2025 09:10

It still isn't your fair share though is it? Nothing stopping you finding a term time only job too. And "practically all", why not totally all plus some unpaid leave when necessary? That's what most parents have to do, even more so when there's mental health struggles and additional needs involved.
You're just another dad not really pulling his weight, and waiting until the hardest slog is over before deciding mum isn't good enough.
If you'd posted this 5 years ago I'd have had a lot more sympathy.

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This is it. Most parents do not have enough AL to cover school holidays or drop offs and pick ups, we use holiday clubs and wrap around care. You cannot judge the mothers parenting when you chose to leave them there, that makes you equally as neglectful. If you genuinely feel the enviroment is unsafe, you should be pushing for them to live with you full time, to not even do 50/50 is disgraceful.