Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

[Dylan222]

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

Autism and adhd isn't illness first of all.
Has she sought any medical professionals opinion?

Before accusing your ex of FII have you considered that your ds may have adhd and / or autism?
Why not find out why your ex thinks that and go down the route of assessment if he meets criteria rather than leaping straight to children’s services involvement? That will be horrendous for your child, and even if unfounded these allegations can take on a life of their own.

How are you so sure that he isn't autistic with ADHD?
Really, the only way to know for sure is for him to undergo a proper assessment. Is he awaiting one?

Oh god. Please go with your child's mother to the assessments rather than accuse her of FII.

If after the assessments she is still claiming this you might be on to something but otherwise support her.

I'll guess you are the non resident parent. He won't be diagnosed if it isn't true. Until then support the mother of your child. What you are doing will hurt more than her pressing for assessment even if wrong.

My ex tried to claim I was making my kid ill for attention too.

They have a congenital birth defect.

I don’t know what’s going on with your child but if someone who spends a large amount of time meeting their needs thinks they need assessed then they should be assessed.

Causing kick off and stress to prevent assessment won’t make them neurotypical

Thank you for your message, it looks to be FII, and is being investigated through the NHS following Social Service protocol.

Thank you for your message, my son live half the time with myself, it looks to be FII, and is being investigated through the NHS following Social Service protocol.

Thank you for your message, it looks to be FII, and is being investigated through the NHS following Social Service protocol

As others have said, neurodiversity isn't illness.

Has your ds been assessed for autism/adhd? How are you so sure that he doesn't have these conditions?

If he has already been assessed and his mother is ignoring the outcome of the assessment, then I agree that that's inappropriate. If he hasn't yet been assessed, then surely that's the first thing that you should be pushing for.

Impossible to tell from the information that you've given us whether his mother has a problem or whether you're the problem. It's entirely possible that he does have autism/adhd and that you're in denial.

For talking to your son, I personally would let it lie at the moment and answer any questions he has as they come up. I might ask a bit about his school and his friends in class to try and find out a bit more about how he sees himself at school - has he pigeonholed himself as having a role in class, are the teachers supporting him appropriately?

Once there is an outcome from investigations I would make sure to have a meeting with his teacher and depending on the outcome with your ex too, so that you can agree a plan and clear information all round. If there continues to be a disagreement about your son the teacher should be aware of that imo, along with what the official decision is.

Autism and ADHD are strange ones, because they are conditions you can have without being diagnosed; whereas if she was claiming he had leukemia for example, that's straightforward - you have it, or you don't. However, either way, in the absence of formal diagnosis she should not be telling him he has anything.

I would ask his teachers whether they have any concerns about his attention or the way he interacts socially with peers and adults. It is possible that Mum thinks he may have these conditions, and you don't, but that isn't so unusual - my own dh said for years my son wasn't autistic. He is, and is formally diagnosed.

ADHD and autism are not illnesses. How do you know he hasn't got them ? Has she shown proof of diagnosis?

Completely agree that the mum shouldn't tell the child that he has autism/adhd without a formal diagnosis.

However, we don't know for sure that this is what has happened. She may simply have suggested that he should be assessed for these conditions, and he might have interpreted it as her saying that he has them.

Everyone saying ADHD and ASD aren't an illness are missing the point. The mother’s condition is called ‘Fabricated Illness by Proxy’ where the word illness in this case isn’t accurate, but it’s still the name of her condition.

I would have thought the GP process where they suspect FII would be to make a referral to social care. Have they done that yet?

Does the mum explain why she thinks the child is autistic or has ADHD. Eg are there legitimate signs/characteristics. Or is she making up behaviours and false reporting?

FII is a hard one. Some parents, with genuinely ill children, have been accused of FII. On the other hand some children have been massively harmed where it hasn’t been picked up. It’s an extremely difficult thing to identify and assess. I imagine in this situation, involving autism and ADHD, it will be particularly hard.

Of course if you are very concerned for your child’s safety you could go to court and try to get residence full time. I’m not saying you should, but that’s an option if you genuinely think FII is the case.

The OP states quite categorically that his ds doesn't have autism or adhd. Not that he doesn't think he has these conditions.

This suggests two possibilities to me.

One is that the child has already been assessed and the assessment has formally confirmed that he is not autistic and that he doesn't have adhd. The OP makes no mention of an assessment having taken place, which is odd, but I guess it might have happened.

The other is that the OP is unwilling to entertain the possibility that his ds might be autistic or have adhd, and is therefore stating categorically that he doesn't have these conditions without being open minded enough to actually pursue an assessment.

Why do you consider these to be illness? Why are you so sure he doesn't have them - have he been medically assessed?
Also I'm not convinced that telling a child they have ASD (even if they don't) can be considered child abuse?
Very strange situation all round

People are not saying this because the OP has mentioned fabricated illness by proxy. They are objecting to the use of the word "ill" in the OP's thread title.

I have adhd. I am not ill.

You could pay for an assessment of your child and then you may need to think about court proceedings.

The authorities are notoriously bad with FII cases and this investigation will be awful for your child. The fact that you seem to want to put them through this rather than just getting them assessed for autism and adhd would suggest to me that you don’t have their interests at heart here.

I agree with this. We can’t really know which is the case here

Thank you for your message, my sons schools Senco has stated that she is absolutely certain that my son is not Autistic, and his school have stated to Cafcass during a recent custody hearing that they do not think he meets the criteria for ASD, and that they are not providing any additional help to him in school.

The point of 'ill' is that a person with FII behaves as if the condition they are fabricating is an illness.

What are your medical qualifications?

Hmm. You do realise that the SENCO is not actually qualified to diagnose?

If your son's mother suspects autism/adhd, I'd have thought that the very first thing to do would be to get him formally assessed before going down the route of investigating the mother for fabrication of illness by proxy. Why haven't you done this?

The fact that your response has been to go after the mother without at least pursuing an assessment for your son tells me quite a lot about your priorities tbh.