Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

[Dylan222]

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

[bloodyplanes]

Op i have a friend that does this! Tells everyone her kids have ARFID, ASD and ADHD! She is constantly at the docs with invented illnesses and constantly keeping them off school because " they are ill". Yet neither the GP or School do anything about it! She was exactly the same about her own health until she had kids, according to her she is a walking medical miracle! She must cost the NHS thousands every year!

[lifeturnsonadime]

@saraclara

The boy has not been diagnosed as autistic. So why is his mum telling him that he is?

We don't know that she is doing that. She might be telling him she thinks he is autistic.

This is not the same as telling a child they have cancer or other life limiting illnesses. Neurodiversity is very broad.

Those of us who have autistic children know it TAKES years for a diagnosis in the meantime we have to act with our children based on their needs (so treat them as though they are diagnosed). The child is 12, he might be highly intelligent. He might want to know why his mum thinks he struggles with things. It is not bad parenting or fabrication to tell an intelligent person you think they could be autistic and have ADHD

[Emptycrackedcup]

@saraclara

Yep. It's appalling.

In any other situation, a father telling his son that he has a condition that he hasn't been diagnosed with or even tested for, would be ripped apart. And the mother supported 100%

Agree. It's disturbing

[lifeturnsonadime]

If he wants the child assessed that is different. i hadn't seen that post.

My sister is going having issues with her ex denying my nephews very obvious autism traits at the moment.

It is not uncommon for partners to deny the possibility of autism.

FII is rare.

[JustKeepBuilding]

From your previous thread hasn’t DS got a private diagnosis of ASD and ADHD? That the NHS accepted as they declined to reassess?

[MrsBennetsPoorNerves]

@saraclara

The boy has not been diagnosed as autistic. So why is his mum telling him that he is?

But equally, why is the OP confirming to the child that he is not?

Both parents should wait for the child to be assessed.

[Dylan222]

Thank you for your advice, and your message :) it is cathartic to message about it so any response is alright.

I broached the subject with him again this morning, just to let him know that I was here if he wants to talk about it. We joked about it a bit, he thinks that I worry too much. He is confident that he is not Autistic but concerned that he has ADHD. I have told that no teachers have ever raised a concern that he had ADHD, I personally dont think he has ADHD, his grandmother used to be a teacher and has never raised a concern, but that I understand his position and worries/concerns and that we can definitely talk with his GP about it if he wants too and see what his GP’s advice is.

[pointythings]

@Dylan222

Yep she did. This is her exact phrase -‘his level of social understanding is simply unachievable for a child on the Autistic Spectrum’

That's scarily definitive. My DD has brilliant social understanding, functions extremely well, is studying and living independently, has friends and a great social life.

And is absolutely autistic.

If your ex is causing your son such distress that it is affecting his behaviour, that absolutely needs dealing with. None of that means he is not autistic - both things may be true.

[Dylan222]

I have attempted to get an assessment through the NHS, as have his School but not been able too, and his mum has declined to consent to a private assessment.

[FatGirlSwim]

Lots of people do self ID as neurodivergent, themselves and their children. It’s not something I agree with but it’s not FII.

True FII is extremely rare. I suggest you look at the latest guidelines for social workers and all the research on false allegations of FII which disproportionately affect families with neurodivergent members.

The investigation is likely to do more damage to your child than the confusion about whether or not they are neurodivergent.

I guess you could say to your child that they haven’t been assessed for adhd or autism.

You don’t need his mum’s consent for private assessment if you have PR.

[MargaretThursday]

I'm another who had SENCOs saying he was fine-he was a summer boy and would grow out of it. It took me 8 years from my first suspicion to diagnosis because of that. He's been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD in his teens.

Interestingly the comments don't think he "meets the criteria" and "high level of social understanding" were made at the first assessment for ds by CAHMS. They then did a longer assessment and decided he did meet the criteria and although he does appear to have a high level of social understanding, some of that is masking and he does need support.

I'd also be interested to know what you think the "symptoms" are. Because if you met my ds you'd probably think he was an intelligent, well adjusted teen with a strong friendship group. You wouldn't pick up that he has been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD most of the time.
It's the underneath that is paddling hard to keep up, and he only lets that show occasionally. Dh doesn't see that anything like as much as me, despite that we're all living in the same house.

One of the problems with having an unsupportive school is that CAHMS can be very reluctant to diagnose if school is saying that they're fine. I know someone whose dc was clearly not fine-I'd observed them in school and they were displaying plenty of signs, but while the school was saying they were fine, CAHMS refused to diagnose. They're in a special school now. Well done to Mum for not giving up.

And for ds getting his diagnoses was a relief. He knew that there were reasons behind things he found hard. And he could access help, which has proved to be more important than I expected. It's not about "labelling"; it's about accessing help that they need.

[saraclara]

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

But equally, why is the OP confirming to the child that he is not?

Both parents should wait for the child to be assessed.

Because he has no reason to think he is.

If your son came to you and said that his dad, without any diagnosis or testing, says he has cancer/any other physical condition, would you say "no you haven't" or would you say "well I suppose we don't really know because you haven't been tested for it"?

[JustKeepBuilding]

@Dylan222

I have attempted to get an assessment through the NHS, as have his School but not been able too, and his mum has declined to consent to a private assessment.

That is strange because in your thread last year DS had a private diagnosis.

[Dylan222]

Thank you that is very interesting.

[ChickenBurgers]

I might be being dense, but do you need both parents consent to go for private assessments? I mean my eldest has had an ADHD assessment referral sent off by school and his Dad hasn’t signed anything to say he agreed to it, just me (he does agree he needs to be assessed, we’re still together too, it’s just me that’s dealt with the admin side of things). But the SENCO at school didn’t ask me if he agreed or anything. Unless there’s a Court order in place stating both parents must consent to anything medical related, I don’t think you necessarily need both parents to say yes?

I would just pay for the assessments and get on with it. It’s weird that she’s refusing to let you take him to be assessed if she genuinely thinks he has either condition. Maybe see if you can get a free 30 min consultation with a solicitor to see where you’d stand about just paying for private assessments and doing it off your own back.

[DarceyG]

There is a girl in my DD’s class has not been diagnosed at all her mother is telling her she has autism. The girls brother is process of because he definitely has signs he won’t wear uniform, he eating habits etc but I’ve had this girl to my house plenty of times and she does not display any signs. Harsh to say this but I think some parents want a diagnosis for the extra money it brings. I worked for a second opinion centre for temping for a few months and I was told this by staff

[FatGirlSwim]

I wonder whether his mum is concerned about you paying for private assessment in case the assessor goes with what you say?

This definitely sounds like a child caught between two warring parents rather than FII. I’d say the same if OP was the mother.

[saraclara]

@MargaretThursday

I'm another who had SENCOs saying he was fine-he was a summer boy and would grow out of it. It took me 8 years from my first suspicion to diagnosis because of that. He's been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD in his teens.

Interestingly the comments don't think he "meets the criteria" and "high level of social understanding" were made at the first assessment for ds by CAHMS. They then did a longer assessment and decided he did meet the criteria and although he does appear to have a high level of social understanding, some of that is masking and he does need support.

I'd also be interested to know what you think the "symptoms" are. Because if you met my ds you'd probably think he was an intelligent, well adjusted teen with a strong friendship group. You wouldn't pick up that he has been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD most of the time.
It's the underneath that is paddling hard to keep up, and he only lets that show occasionally. Dh doesn't see that anything like as much as me, despite that we're all living in the same house.

One of the problems with having an unsupportive school is that CAHMS can be very reluctant to diagnose if school is saying that they're fine. I know someone whose dc was clearly not fine-I'd observed them in school and they were displaying plenty of signs, but while the school was saying they were fine, CAHMS refused to diagnose. They're in a special school now. Well done to Mum for not giving up.

And for ds getting his diagnoses was a relief. He knew that there were reasons behind things he found hard. And he could access help, which has proved to be more important than I expected. It's not about "labelling"; it's about accessing help that they need.

Which is all irrelevant.

The mother has given her child a diagnosis that he has not even been tested for.

It doesn't matter what the diagnosis is, and whether its physical or neurological, you don't tell your child that they have a condition, without it being diagnosed.

That is a level of child abuse, frankly. And I'm amazed that hardly anyone is picking up on that.

[NameChangePoP]

@lifeturnsonadime

No it's because rather than actually getting his child assessed he appears to have some form of vendetta against his wife and is accusing her of fabricating illness.

The only way anyone can know for sure is if the child is assessed.

He will harm his child by accusing the mother he will not harm the child by supporting an assessment.

But he's tried to have his son assessed privately - but the EXW won't consent to it.
OP, I'm not sure why you're getting a hard time here either. If you were the EXW and giving the same story you would have all the support in the world. Because you're a man your opinion seems to not matter.
Keep pushing for the assessment, both NHS and privately. Maybe there's a legal route you can go down to ask the court to enforce the private assessment so it's a faster process?

[BishopRock]

@TrinnySmith

How old is your son?

That is literally the second word in the OP!

"My 12...

[JustKeepBuilding]

Harsh to say this but I think some parents want a diagnosis for the extra money it brings.

A diagnosis doesn’t bring extra money!

[BreviloquentBastard]

@lifeturnsonadime

No it's because rather than actually getting his child assessed he appears to have some form of vendetta against his wife and is accusing her of fabricating illness.

The only way anyone can know for sure is if the child is assessed.

He will harm his child by accusing the mother he will not harm the child by supporting an assessment.

Can you not read? He's repeatedly tried to get the child assessed and been blocked by his ex.

Mumsnets hatred of men and blind support of women is actually minging sometimes, like he's literally described child abuse from her side and people are just ignoring that and assuming she must be right because she has a vagina.

[FatGirlSwim]

@DarceyG

There is a girl in my DD’s class has not been diagnosed at all her mother is telling her she has autism. The girls brother is process of because he definitely has signs he won’t wear uniform, he eating habits etc but I’ve had this girl to my house plenty of times and she does not display any signs. Harsh to say this but I think some parents want a diagnosis for the extra money it brings. I worked for a second opinion centre for temping for a few months and I was told this by staff

Well if you were told it, it must be true then!!

I’d love to know how diagnosis brings lots of extra money! If you mean DLA, that’s hot nothing to do with diagnosis.

[JustKeepBuilding]

@saraclara

Which is all irrelevant.

The mother has given her child a diagnosis that he has not even been tested for.

It doesn't matter what the diagnosis is, and whether its physical or neurological, you don't tell your child that they have a condition, without it being diagnosed.

That is a level of child abuse, frankly. And I'm amazed that hardly anyone is picking up on that.

If you AS the OP, the DS has been diagnosed with ASD privately.

[DrBlackbird]

she does not display any signs the signs of ASD in girls can often be extremely subtle with a lot of masking and often not diagnosed until much later in life. Please do not assume or repeat this unfounded assertion that parents want a diagnosis for extra money.