Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

[Dylan222]

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

[Change2banon]

OP, your son has apparently been abused, or claims to have been abused by both his mother and father, someone (other than his mother and father) needs to protect and look after him! You are all collectively screwing him up big time! His mothers claims of his disabilities, and your claims of non disabilities, are EQUALLY damaging to him! You tell one side of a story, his mother would tell a very different side of the same story. Either way/both ways, you are both damaging your son.

[Lachimolala]

Is there grandparents involved? I would ask them to take the child for a while. Neither parent (if this is even true) sounds healthy enough to be parenting this vulnerable child.

[SharonKaren]

Op, very sorry to hear about all this. I really don't know why posters are being so accusative and aggressive. It's not normally like this. Wish you all the best in this difficult situation. I do hope you can your son the best care, and an environment free of all this abuse. 💐
One more thing, I suggest you request this thread to be deleted, as the information you gave may be outing.

[bewilderedhedgehog]

@Dylan222

During 2020 my the 9 year old son reported his mother to the Police multiple times for alleged violent assault, strangulation, slapping and punching. And he ran away from her house. His school had such concerns that Social Services were involved.

His mother was the cause of my sons symptoms at the time by blocking his contact with me. She was fully aware that she was causing them, and that he would “get better” if she stopped. (As she told his Early Helpworker)

But she didn’t. Instead she lied about me and blamed me for my sons behaviour, and then lied about my son to a private doctor.

After the assessment, she stopped causing my son distress by blocking his contact with me, and the symptoms he had displayed at the time of the assessment disappeared.

Very soon after the assessment she lied extensively about ADHD medication my son was allegedly taking after he was found in a distressed state outside her house with a ripped t-shirt saying that she had slapped him, blaming this fictitious medication, fictitious arrangements with his GP and Social. This followed multiple times she had lied about him and me to the Police before.

After the assessment despite coming to live with me full time for 6 months, and half time since, she has claimed Child Disability Living Allowance for my son as his ‘sole caregiver’ this despite his symptoms having disappeared, his school stating they do not think he is Autistic and despite them stating they provide him no additional support to him in school.

She repeatedly refused to consent to a new assessment despite stating that she was aware he may not be Autistic.

Despite all this, and despite knowing he has not received a diagnosis, she has this week told him he has ADHD and Autism.

A bit about me. Im bi, caring, and not a knob. I was not domestically abusive, I worked very hard for my family, although my sons mum made allegations about me after I had separated from her and after my son had started to show distressed behaviour in her care, she provided no evidence that I had been domestically abusive to her (this with being together for 20 years) there was no evidence in her medical records released to court, no Police records, and she declined to go through the fact finding hearing in Court. This and the fact that she was driving the kids round to my house after my sons assessment meant the judge ignored her allegations, hence my son living with me half the week now. It would have potentially been full time if the Cafcass officer had not been homophobic (my sons mother outing me to Court) and concerned about my son living with me as a teenager with me being bi for some reason.

My sons mother left both myself and my son when he was four, after I found my son undressed with his uncle (only three years older then him) in his grandmothers care, her mother then reported me for allegedly raping him (this while I was a single parent), and told all of my sons mothers family that I was a pedophile. I have dealt with false allegations in the past. My sons mother provided me with false tax records, for our tax returns leaving me with a big bill to HMRC, she affectively stole approximately £50,000 from me the day before she lied about me to Court. Aside from myself reporting her for benefit fraud, she has been reported by another individual whom I dont know for a separate fraud.

I made an arrangement with Court to only come into contact with my sons mother in a public place which the Court agreed to.

My son was traumatised by his mothers actions, we are very close, he was not even told if I was alive or dead during covid and left to worry. It took a lot of work in the 6 months he lived full time with me following the assessment to get his confidence back. During that time alongside maintaining me in approximately then £40,000 of dept, his mother refused to allow me access to his child benift.

Ive hung myself multiple times, all serious attempts, but unsuccessful. I was abused as a child, Ive been raped as an adult. And dealt with the above stuff. I haven’t done that for a long time now, but you guys who happily call me a knob or state that you think my children should be in care have no idea at all.

I posted a message asking for advice on how to speak to my son, I answered your questions as best as I could. This is a vicious site quite clearly. I appreciate the useful information and constructive criticism, but I wont do this again.

Given all of the above, you and your family all need expert specialist support. This is not the place for that.

[lifeturnsonadime]

@MyriadOfTravels

With all the stuff you have been writing, why is it that you dint have full custody if your ds and see your dd even less?

It beggars belief, if what OP says is true, that his children are allowed any contact with their mother at all.

Apparently the child reported her for 'Strangulation' amongst instances of serious child abuse yet she still has custody?

Seems very odd to me.

[MyriadOfTravels]

With all the stuff you have been writing, why is it that you dint have full custody if your ds and see your dd even less?

[Dylan222]

During 2020 my the 9 year old son reported his mother to the Police multiple times for alleged violent assault, strangulation, slapping and punching. And he ran away from her house. His school had such concerns that Social Services were involved.

His mother was the cause of my sons symptoms at the time by blocking his contact with me. She was fully aware that she was causing them, and that he would “get better” if she stopped. (As she told his Early Helpworker)

But she didn’t. Instead she lied about me and blamed me for my sons behaviour, and then lied about my son to a private doctor.

After the assessment, she stopped causing my son distress by blocking his contact with me, and the symptoms he had displayed at the time of the assessment disappeared.

Very soon after the assessment she lied extensively about ADHD medication my son was allegedly taking after he was found in a distressed state outside her house with a ripped t-shirt saying that she had slapped him, blaming this fictitious medication, fictitious arrangements with his GP and Social. This followed multiple times she had lied about him and me to the Police before.

After the assessment despite coming to live with me full time for 6 months, and half time since, she has claimed Child Disability Living Allowance for my son as his ‘sole caregiver’ this despite his symptoms having disappeared, his school stating they do not think he is Autistic and despite them stating they provide him no additional support to him in school.

She repeatedly refused to consent to a new assessment despite stating that she was aware he may not be Autistic.

Despite all this, and despite knowing he has not received a diagnosis, she has this week told him he has ADHD and Autism.

A bit about me. Im bi, caring, and not a knob. I was not domestically abusive, I worked very hard for my family, although my sons mum made allegations about me after I had separated from her and after my son had started to show distressed behaviour in her care, she provided no evidence that I had been domestically abusive to her (this with being together for 20 years) there was no evidence in her medical records released to court, no Police records, and she declined to go through the fact finding hearing in Court. This and the fact that she was driving the kids round to my house after my sons assessment meant the judge ignored her allegations, hence my son living with me half the week now. It would have potentially been full time if the Cafcass officer had not been homophobic (my sons mother outing me to Court) and concerned about my son living with me as a teenager with me being bi for some reason.

My sons mother left both myself and my son when he was four, after I found my son undressed with his uncle (only three years older then him) in his grandmothers care, her mother then reported me for allegedly raping him (this while I was a single parent), and told all of my sons mothers family that I was a pedophile. I have dealt with false allegations in the past. My sons mother provided me with false tax records, for our tax returns leaving me with a big bill to HMRC, she affectively stole approximately £50,000 from me the day before she lied about me to Court. Aside from myself reporting her for benefit fraud, she has been reported by another individual whom I dont know for a separate fraud.

I made an arrangement with Court to only come into contact with my sons mother in a public place which the Court agreed to.

My son was traumatised by his mothers actions, we are very close, he was not even told if I was alive or dead during covid and left to worry. It took a lot of work in the 6 months he lived full time with me following the assessment to get his confidence back. During that time alongside maintaining me in approximately then £40,000 of dept, his mother refused to allow me access to his child benift.

Ive hung myself multiple times, all serious attempts, but unsuccessful. I was abused as a child, Ive been raped as an adult. And dealt with the above stuff. I haven’t done that for a long time now, but you guys who happily call me a knob or state that you think my children should be in care have no idea at all.

I posted a message asking for advice on how to speak to my son, I answered your questions as best as I could. This is a vicious site quite clearly. I appreciate the useful information and constructive criticism, but I wont do this again.

[JustKeepBuilding]

telling the OP that having an ados that "scored" WAS diagnostic.

No they didn’t, they posted in the context of other parts of the assessment already being acknowledged by the OP.

The NICE guidelines do speak for themselves. At no point do they state a school observation or a report specifically for the autism assessment is required for an assessment to meet NICE guidelines.

[Thatboymum]

I’ve come to my own conclusion That the child could be asd adhd and you just don’t see it or don’t want to see it because it’s easier to blame the mother who you so very obviously don’t like or support and are maybe motivated by wanting your child full time i genuinely don’t believe a word you are saying and clearly neither did social services in your previous attempts. You mention her claiming financial support like you are bitter

[Teenylittlefella]

If you go back and re read my posts:

1. I am not "encouraging" anyone.

I posted because there was a pile in of people who also don't know the circumstances of any assessment, where the clinician themselves appears to be backtracking and saying it was never a diagnosis only an opinion, telling the OP that having an ados that "scored" WAS diagnostic. I wanted to clarify that no, scoring on an ados does not automatically mean a child is autistic.

1. The point I have tried to make is that, had that original clinician done a more 360 degree assessment, including opinion from school, Early Help, and father, whatever the outcome everyone would have had more faith in that assessment. As it is, this mother is left in the insidious position of being disbelieved and the diagnosis is being actively undermined by the senco.
2. I have no idea if OP's child is autistic or not. I have queried how a child can have such a high ados score and yet according to OP have no language issues or posturing. I have also pointed out that where school and parents' opinions differ, it is most often the school that is in error.
3. Nice guidelines are best practice guidelines, and not mandatory. However, they are best practice for a reason, and that reason includes trying to shed light on messy situations like this where parents stand in opposition and accusations of FII start flying around.
4. I do not need to engage with a series of whataboutery type posts attempting to undermine my professionalism and attempting to poke holes in the nice guidelines. I did not write the nice guidelines. I am fully aware, thankyou, that some children are not in school by the time we see them. We do have arrangements for such circumstances but they are irrelevant to this discussion.

I have no intention of engaging further. The nice guidelines speak for themselves.
www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg128/chapter/Recommendations#recognising-children-and-young-people-with-possible-autism

[NewPatioPlease]

What do you do with kids out of school @Teenylittlefella ? Go to their houses and watch them at home? Because a lot are already unable to attend before they even get to the diagnosis stage.

it’s really dangerous to encourage an abusive man, by telling him an assessment (which you don’t even know the details of) didn’t meet NICE guidelines

[54isanopendoor]

@Oblomov23

Admittedly I am extremely sensitive about this. I found ds1 very hard to parent. Ds2 is easy. It was my mum and my best friends mum who suggested ds1 had lots of Autistic traits. When I pushed for nhs assessment, school contacted SS accusing me of fii, the old munchausens. Did I take umbrage at this. Yes I did and still do.

Please don't belittle it. It's a very serious allegation. It's not unheard of for one parent to think a child is SN and another parent doesn't. But taking it to the next step, of accusing someone of fii, is serious. And most posters here won't have the experience (fortunately) of knowing how awful that is.

I was accused of this by my local School & GP in collusion (tiny village, those involved were in a related family position).
I moved area & Ds was referred to NHS by new School &, after a very thorough NHS assessment, was diagnosed with ASD, Dyspraxia, Dyslexia etc. My younger child was later diagnosed & is in fact 'more' (obviously) ASD rather than 'just copying older child who's that way because Mother is 'attention seeking').

OP if you love your son which I am sure you do, be VERY careful with spraying accusations of Fii around. Professionals can be really good but they can also be rushed / careless & this goes on record for ever, whether justified or not.
That WILL affect your ex being able to access the correct support for your lovely boy, at whatever level he does (or doesnt) need it.

[Morph22010]

@Itisbetter

I was in the room during my son’s assessment.

I was for my sons too, no one ever mentions anything about me not being in the room, I didn’t even realise it was a thing you weren’t supposed to be till I read this thread

[America12]

@journeyofinsanity

@America12 Senco and school are not qualified to diagnose him.
Neither is the mother and/or her parents

I agree

[lifeturnsonadime]

@Itisbetter

I was in the room during my son’s assessment.

I was in my son's but not in my daughters.

My son was so anxious he couldn't go in without me. The preference is that the parent isn't in the room if possible.

He was the one who was observed and obsessed though, not me.

I wasn't allowed to answer any questions on his behalf or give any hints.

Having watched the ADOS assessment take place there is no room for the parents opinion, it is entirely observational of the person being assessed.

[Itisbetter]

I was in the room during my son’s assessment.

[lifeturnsonadime]

@Dylan222

Ive got the record of the assessment out, I hadn’t before. That is the discrepancy. This is from the report:

’The ADOS-2 (module 3) assessment was completed with …. accompanied by his mother’

Accompanied doesn't mean mother was in the same room.

She might have been waiting outside.

[lifeturnsonadime]

@lifeturnsonadime

Tiny doesn't exist anymore as a username.

I was just about to ask in their 20 years experience how many times a child with a score of 17 on an ADOS had NOT gone on to be diagnosed.

But 'poof' they appear to have vanished.

@Teenylittlefella apologies, I'm dyslexic you do exist. Sorry I'm having a moment.

Please tell me how many times in your 20 years experience has a child with a score of 17 on an ADOS not gone on to be diagnosed?

[lifeturnsonadime]

Tiny doesn't exist anymore as a username.

I was just about to ask in their 20 years experience how many times a child with a score of 17 on an ADOS had NOT gone on to be diagnosed.

But 'poof' they appear to have vanished.

[JustKeepBuilding]

That should say doesn’t necessarily equate.

[JustKeepBuilding]

“Accompanied by his mother” doesn’t equate to his mother being in the room during the ADOS itself. I accompanied both my DC who have had the ADOS, one I watched from the neighbouring room, the other I sat in the corner of the room for as DC wouldn’t remain in the room without me.

[lifeturnsonadime]

@JustKeepBuilding

All of which were written in the context of the OP already acknowledging the mother had been spoken to as well as part of the assessment.

Yes, I mean I know that @Teenylittlefella has suggested you are invested but why are they taking the side of the OP who has been entirely inconsistent.

That seems really invested and not particularly in the child's interests.

[JustKeepBuilding]

@Teenylittlefella

They certainly did say or, at least imply, that the ADOS score was sufficient in itself to be diagnostic.

All of which were written in the context of the OP already acknowledging the mother had been spoken to as well as part of the assessment.

[lifeturnsonadime]

One of those posts is mine.

The OP had said earlier that the ex wife had filled out forms and had spoken to the assessors. That combined with the ADOS and any other information which the OP may or may not be aware of is enough to diagnose autism.

Surely as an assessor you recognise it would be unusual for a person to score 10 marks above the diagnosis score to not be diagnosed. I know that the ADOS isn't always taken as read but - really?

[Dylan222]

Ive got the record of the assessment out, I hadn’t before. That is the discrepancy. This is from the report:

’The ADOS-2 (module 3) assessment was completed with …. accompanied by his mother’