Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

[Dylan222]

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

[saraclara]

@slightlyslumamama read all of this father's posts on this thread. Not just the OP. Your questions have already been answered.

[lifeturnsonadime]

Christ an ADOS is intensive.

This child is autistic. FFS.

[FatGirlSwim]

@Dylan222

To write a full explanation of events takes 14 hours, it has involved the Police, School, the NHS, Social Services, a Private Doctor, the Department of Work and Pensions, the NSPCC, the National Autistic Society, the Court. I was just looking for advice on how to talk to my son about what his mum has informed him, my I haven’t given much information in my post which maybe I should have done.

And you consider that to be in your child’s best interests? And less damaging than an assessment you disagree with?

[Conkersinautumn]

It depends. A good friend of my daughter is going through an appeal because her dad refused to believe she had autism and FAKED responses for the paperwork. He treats the mother as abusive too. I'm wary to believe you as a result. Has your son actually been assessed?

[slightlyslumamama]

Ps: I will add that I may come across as firm with you but have been in a similar situation with the dad of DS.
his dad was involved with ASD diagnosis but was still in denial.
He now has been formally diagnosed with ADHD and ASD but dad is still in denial.

This may be clouding my judgment of you! If so I apologise

[Dylan222]

Thank you

[knittingaddict]

@ShimmeringShirts

parents denying their child has anything wrong with them is a lot more common than a mum raising concerns about ASD. You want to be careful it doesn’t come back on you minimising and dismissing his difficulties.

I've seen stories on here of a parent being in denial about their child's possible diagnosis. I don't think I've ever seen a mother downpalying the possibility. Proper assessments are required here.

[FatGirlSwim]

@ZeroFuchsGiven

So you keep saying but if you actually read what op wrote he says the mother paid for a diagnosis and this was all done without the doctor even seeing him!

He says an ADOS was done. That is a detailed observation of the child by the clinician.

[FatGirlSwim]

He has had a very thorough assessment by all accounts.

[lifeturnsonadime]

@FatGirlSwim

He says an ADOS was done. That is a detailed observation of the child by the clinician.

Both of mine were diagnosed following an ADOS. They took hours. I wasn't even allowed in the room.

Yet we are supposed to believe the mother has fabricated this?

I call bullshit.

[Climbles]

@Dylan222

To write a full explanation of events takes 14 hours, it has involved the Police, School, the NHS, Social Services, a Private Doctor, the Department of Work and Pensions, the NSPCC, the National Autistic Society, the Court. I was just looking for advice on how to talk to my son about what his mum has informed him, my I haven’t given much information in my post which maybe I should have done.

Tell him if he is does have Autism and/or ADHD then using his diagnosis to understand himself and his behaviour may be beneficial. Point out that neurodivergent people make up some of the most accomplished people in the world and in history. Advise him that whether he meets certain diagnostic criteria or not he is uniquely him and wonderful. Tell him that you support and love him regardless of how he processes the world.

[Climbles]

Do not refer to illnesses and symptoms

[Guis]

I sympathise with the OP. Do go through the formal channels and as a parent you are entitled to be informed and involved.
There does seem to be rather a lot of children with autism/adhd/etc. More than perhaps makes much sense.
A few years ago lots of people were being diagnosed with asthma. It turned out Doctors were getting what effectively was a bonus for diagnosing anyone with it. Which is a poor show on Dr's in my view.
If there is a financial benefit to identify a child as so then sadly this may be an issue.
Before anyone shouts at me, I really am what is termed neurodiverse. A term I dislike. I am disabled. Is it an illness ? Very much so. Sorry if it is unpopular to say it but there you are.
But OP. Your child may have conditions, he may not. But people and both parents must be very certain before going around telling others and the child concerned. As you are not, mum is not be respectful of your concerns by dismissing your interest as a parent.

[Dylan222]

So in the ADOS assessment, my son was only seen on one occasion for an hour. The doctor did not perform the assessment, it was performed by someone in here office who was nit a doctor. The doctor did not meet my son or speak to him as part of her assessment process of him. The doctor only spoke to my sons mother.

[ConfusedNT]

So your ex managed to get a private diagnosis without your permission/involvement but you persist in saying that you need her permission/involvement to get your own private diagnosis

You don't believe the private diagnosis but the NHS does

You say your ex caused your DS behavioural issues due to putting him under stress but you made no attempt to get full custody

Now the mother has a diagnosis for the child, you are saying that her telling the child means she must have a medical condition herself

So basically you are utterly adamant your ex must have a medical condition because you think she fits the symptoms before she has been diagnosed whilst also being utterly adamant that your son doesnt have a medical condition your ex thinks he fits the symptoms after being diagnosed

You just sound like someone who doesnt want a neurodiverse child

[Climbles]

@Dylan222

So in the ADOS assessment, my son was only seen on one occasion for an hour. The doctor did not perform the assessment, it was performed by someone in here office who was nit a doctor. The doctor did not meet my son or speak to him as part of her assessment process of him. The doctor only spoke to my sons mother.

That is typical. The assessor might be an SALT or OT or other healthcare professional.

[Lotsofthingstoconsider]

What is wrong with people's reading comprehension. OP has clearly said a number of times that he wants an assessment but the mother refuses one .
Health and welfare is one of the areas that both parents with PR need to agree on. She can veto this - as she is doing.

I doubt very much that SS, The family court, The NHS and LEA would be involved if it were a simple case of the dad not agreeing with a diagnosis.

Then again this is MN and a father will always be eyed with suspicion and a mother given huge dollops of benefit of doubt..

[54isanopendoor]

@Dylan222

Thank you for your message, my sons schools Senco has stated that she is absolutely certain that my son is not Autistic, and his school have stated to Cafcass during a recent custody hearing that they do not think he meets the criteria for ASD, and that they are not providing any additional help to him in school.

A Senco is not qualified to Diagnose (or not). Schools have a vested interest in not supporting or flagging up kids with additional needs - it costs them money.
ASD & ADHD presentations can vary hugely - it needs trained & experienced specialists in the NHS, not School or parents to decide if the dx threshold is met.

The ONLY way to know is for a full ATOS assessment to be done by the NHS.
This is less likely now your child has been referred to SS & his 50% caregiver flagged up as having Fii.

The most important thing here is the welfare of your child. An ATOS assessment would be less invasive than a SS investigation of his mother. I'd have explored that route first personally.

[booboo82]

Ffs typical mumsnet responses here ! Op has stated repeatedly that it is being investigated!!! The mother is committing a form of abuse here and yet your all on here condemning this fathers actions ! Do some bloody research on this condition. Its real and recognised, research gypsy rose and then keep your twattish comments to yourselves, Op keep fighting for your son, what his mother is doing is massively damaging to him , he is lucky to have a father like you x

[lifeturnsonadime]

@Lotsofthingstoconsider

What is wrong with people's reading comprehension. OP has clearly said a number of times that he wants an assessment but the mother refuses one .
Health and welfare is one of the areas that both parents with PR need to agree on. She can veto this - as she is doing.

I doubt very much that SS, The family court, The NHS and LEA would be involved if it were a simple case of the dad not agreeing with a diagnosis.

Then again this is MN and a father will always be eyed with suspicion and a mother given huge dollops of benefit of doubt..

The child has been assessed as autistic already.

The OP disputes the diagnosis even though the NHS accepts it.

[Cocobutt]

This is more common than many people realise.

It’s sometimes physical illness but it’s increasing that it’s mental illnesses or SEN.

I’ve known parents to lie about their children being able to walk and they’re strapped in wheelchairs or prams 24/7 which did ultimately affect their development and then lead to walking difficulties.

I’ve also known someone to lie for years that their child had ME and the child was removed from school and not allowed out to play etc and then 15 years later it turned out she never had it.

With these physical illnesses it’s much easier to determine whether they are actually ill or not (even though as above they do slip through the net), it is almost impossible to determine when it’s a mental illness or SEN.

This situation is very difficult.

I know many parents of children with obvious SEND but cannot get an official diagnosis or EHCP.
Some people have to fight for years just to be listened to.

I work with SEND students and there a some that could easily cope in mainstream and there are some in mainstream that cannot cope and would be much better with us.

He may be masking his behaviours at school and with you or she is lying.

I would keep in contact with the school.

I would also have a private assessment done and ask the school to be involved.

I would also try and get mediation (maybe even with the school) so you and her can talk about these issues and get to the bottom of why she wants him diagnosed.
Does she want him medicated?
Can he not have help put in place by the school and at home without having a diagnosis?

[slightlyslumamama]

@DarceyG

There is a girl in my DD’s class has not been diagnosed at all her mother is telling her she has autism. The girls brother is process of because he definitely has signs he won’t wear uniform, he eating habits etc but I’ve had this girl to my house plenty of times and she does not display any signs. Harsh to say this but I think some parents want a diagnosis for the extra money it brings. I worked for a second opinion centre for temping for a few months and I was told this by staff

“Extra money it brings” - please elaborate on this cash?!

[NumericalBlock]

I have met many children whose schools/teachers insisted that they were not asd/adhd and whose mothers disagreed. Funnily enough they were later diagnosed despite the schools insistence because a lot of kids mask really well in school and in situations where they are not entirely comfortable.

I've known since my eldest was tiny that something was going on and can assure you that it's incredibly rare for the main carer to be wrong, much less faking it; which makes it even more upsetting and frustrating when education professionals and other family members don't see it.

[Dylan222]

No it’s horrible, I am have been trying to tread a thin line. He hasn’t been diagnosed with ADHD or Autism, his school are stating that they do not think he has it, but his mother is stating to him that he does, and appears to have used him for fraud. So .. its tricky

[ConfusedNT]

@booboo82

Ffs typical mumsnet responses here ! Op has stated repeatedly that it is being investigated!!! The mother is committing a form of abuse here and yet your all on here condemning this fathers actions ! Do some bloody research on this condition. Its real and recognised, research gypsy rose and then keep your twattish comments to yourselves, Op keep fighting for your son, what his mother is doing is massively damaging to him , he is lucky to have a father like you x

The mother had obtained a formal diagnosis for her son and then informed him of the results. If that is considered child abuse then anyone who takes their child to a doctor could be guilty of it