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Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Dadsnet

Son’s mother telling him he is ill when he’s not

565 replies

Dylan222 · 02/03/2023 23:23

My 12 year old sons mother has told him that he has ADHD and is that he is Autistic, her parents have also told him.

However he does not have ADHD and is not Autistic. It looks to be a type of child abuse called Fabricated Illness by Proxy. I have been working with his GP to get Social Services involved, his mother has been falsely stating to people for the last few years that my son has these conditions, however this week was the first time she has told him.

Any advice please on how I should approach it with my son? I have explained the situation as clearly as I can to him and confirmed that he does not have ADHD or Autism, but I don’t know whether to talk about it with him more or just let him come to me if he is worried about it.

Thank you

OP posts:

Report

loafintheoven · 03/03/2023 08:54

Being a child of separated or divorced parents who don't get on can be extremely stressful. You are doing him no favours by bringing him into the argument (whether he has ASD/ADHD or not). If he does have ASD there is every chance he is masking at school and at your home, all the time absorbing all that stress to let it out at his mum's. She may be seeing a very different side of him than you or the school do.

Clearly there is acrimony between the two of you, but the only way to resolve this particular part of the argument is, as previous posters have said, to get a formal assessment.

annonymousse · 03/03/2023 08:55

We had this situation with dss. It came out of the blue and DH went to the gp and the school to protest. His teacher agreed with us that he had no symptoms and she had never had concerns. The gp was surprised DH hadn't attended the appt with the consultant and it turned out dss mum had taken her dp and said he was the father. Years later dss now aged 18 asked his mum about his diagnosis as he had another medical condition and she admitted she had lied and he was never autistic. It's really affected dss and occasionally his mum will forget she's told him the truth and refers to his autism. We still have no idea of the motivation for why she did it.

ModeWeasel · 03/03/2023 08:56

Has your son been assessed by a professional for autism and adhd?

The school might have a view but this is not the same and they will also have limited resources to provide extra support so this will colour their input on this. They are also not trained to formally diagnose, SENCO or not.

Dylan222 · 03/03/2023 08:56

Thank you for your advice, the issues that my son has experienced are in line with descriptions of FII. He does not display symptoms of ADHD or ASD.

OP posts:

TrinnySmith · 03/03/2023 08:57

Are you in the UK?

ShimmeringShirts · 03/03/2023 08:58

parents denying their child has anything wrong with them is a lot more common than a mum raising concerns about ASD. You want to be careful it doesn’t come back on you minimising and dismissing his difficulties.

welshpolarbear · 03/03/2023 08:58

I can completely imagine your exs side if she'd posted here.

"My son is showing many signs of adhd and/autism but the school are denying him formal tests and disagree with me. It's so stressful because as his Mum I can see signs all day every day.

On top of that my batshit ex has now reported me to social services for FII. He won't entertain the idea his child could have these neuro diversities. It's so stressful as I just desperately won't someone to listen and get him some help"

Dylan222 · 03/03/2023 09:01

No he has not, both myself and his school have attempted to get an assessment through the NHS to clarify the matter, which has failed. I have made repeated attempts to gain consent from my sons mother for him to undergo a private assessment for ASD, she has repeatedly declined to provide concent.

OP posts:

Almahart · 03/03/2023 09:02

welshpolarbear · 03/03/2023 08:58

I can completely imagine your exs side if she'd posted here.

"My son is showing many signs of adhd and/autism but the school are denying him formal tests and disagree with me. It's so stressful because as his Mum I can see signs all day every day.

On top of that my batshit ex has now reported me to social services for FII. He won't entertain the idea his child could have these neuro diversities. It's so stressful as I just desperately won't someone to listen and get him some help"

This.

OriGanOver · 03/03/2023 09:03

OP I'm not sure why you've been piled on in this thread tbh.

You sound like an involved dad who is doing the best for his child. The school and GP are involved and you are trying to find a way to help your son manage what his mother is telling him.

I'd personally make it into a joke so he doesn't feel pulled between the two of you. Keep it lighthearted but also say that you, the school and GP have no concerns with this at all and you're not sure why his mum has.

I'd not want my dc to go through wondering whether they have something like autism or adhd when it's clear they don't. Labels often don't help children as they can then act their label if that makes sense. It's why things like bpd are rarely diagnosed under 18, adhd you shouldn't even get to assessment stage before 8 - you can also grow out of adhd and bpd. Having labels for life is a seperate issue to this thread though.

Dylan222 · 03/03/2023 09:05

Tbh is slightly stressful being the ex. I use to be a manager in the NHS, the events that my son has gone through are in line with descriptions of Fabricated Illness by Proxy / Perplexing Presentations.

OP posts:

Punxsutawney · 03/03/2023 09:05

Labels often don't help children.

Autism and ADHD are not labels. They are medical conditions diagnosed by qualified professionals.

lifeturnsonadime · 03/03/2023 09:07

Dylan222 · 03/03/2023 08:01

Thank you for your message, my sons schools Senco has stated that she is absolutely certain that my son is not Autistic, and his school have stated to Cafcass during a recent custody hearing that they do not think he meets the criteria for ASD, and that they are not providing any additional help to him in school.

My children's senco's laughed in face when I said I thought my son could be autistic ! He was subsequently diagnosed by a multi disciplinary panel.

School are not qualified to diagnose. It is in their interests often for there not to be a diagnosis as it costs them more and they have to work more.

Your poor wife and child.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/03/2023 09:08

OP I'm not sure why you've been piled on in this thread tbh

Its because he has a penis, Dads rarely get help and support the same way a mother would on here. The replies would be totally different if the sexes were reversed.

Cheswick · 03/03/2023 09:08

I believe you are doing the right thing fighting for your child. Please do not give up.

saraclara · 03/03/2023 09:10

All those of you saying that the school isn't qualified to say that he isn't autistic, are missing the point.

No-one has assessed the boy and said that he IS autistic. Yet his mum had told him that he is!

lifeturnsonadime · 03/03/2023 09:11

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/03/2023 09:08

OP I'm not sure why you've been piled on in this thread tbh

Its because he has a penis, Dads rarely get help and support the same way a mother would on here. The replies would be totally different if the sexes were reversed.

No it's because rather than actually getting his child assessed he appears to have some form of vendetta against his wife and is accusing her of fabricating illness.

The only way anyone can know for sure is if the child is assessed.

He will harm his child by accusing the mother he will not harm the child by supporting an assessment.

saraclara · 03/03/2023 09:12

lifeturnsonadime · 03/03/2023 09:07

My children's senco's laughed in face when I said I thought my son could be autistic ! He was subsequently diagnosed by a multi disciplinary panel.

School are not qualified to diagnose. It is in their interests often for there not to be a diagnosis as it costs them more and they have to work more.

Your poor wife and child.

Show quote history

The boy has not been diagnosed as autistic. So why is his mum telling him that he is?

FuchsAndMöhr · 03/03/2023 09:12

Yet another MN example of replies that would be completely opposite should the OP be the mum 🙄

This place gets worse!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 03/03/2023 09:13

lifeturnsonadime · 03/03/2023 09:11

No it's because rather than actually getting his child assessed he appears to have some form of vendetta against his wife and is accusing her of fabricating illness.

The only way anyone can know for sure is if the child is assessed.

He will harm his child by accusing the mother he will not harm the child by supporting an assessment.

Show quote history

Are you actually reading his replies or just making stuff up?

He has offered to pay for private assessment and the wonderful mother has refused!

saraclara · 03/03/2023 09:14

lifeturnsonadime · 03/03/2023 09:11

No it's because rather than actually getting his child assessed he appears to have some form of vendetta against his wife and is accusing her of fabricating illness.

The only way anyone can know for sure is if the child is assessed.

He will harm his child by accusing the mother he will not harm the child by supporting an assessment.

Show quote history

Have you bothered reading his posts? Because this is what he's said

No he has not, both myself and his school have attempted to get an assessment through the NHS to clarify the matter, which has failed. I have made repeated attempts to gain consent from my sons mother for him to undergo a private assessment for ASD, she has repeatedly declined to provide concent.

He WANTS his son assessed.

zurala · 03/03/2023 09:14

Dylan222 · 03/03/2023 08:01

Thank you for your message, my sons schools Senco has stated that she is absolutely certain that my son is not Autistic, and his school have stated to Cafcass during a recent custody hearing that they do not think he meets the criteria for ASD, and that they are not providing any additional help to him in school.

Yeah they said that about my children too. My eldest is now diagnosed autistic and my son is waiting for assessment. Schools know nothing about neurodivergence in my opinion.

RoseslnTheHospital · 03/03/2023 09:15

I don't see why he would need the other parents consent to do a private autism/adhd assessment? If he organised it all in the time he has with his son, then as a parent he can do that, without needing the authorisation of the mum.

piedbeauty · 03/03/2023 09:15

His mother appears to have induced behavioural difficulties through causing him severe distress. Those difficulties lasted for about 9 months, and then disappeared after she had stopped causing him severe distress. They included not sleeping at night and being aggressive to teachers at school. His school involved Social Services at the time, and have stated very clearly that they do not think that my son has ASD or ADHD.

How did his mother cause him 'severe distress'? What was your response as a parent? Did you go to court and seek to have your son live with you? If not, why not?

FIP is extremely rare. Why do you think that this is wrong with your ex, instead of thinking that your son may have autism?

I'd love to hear your ex's view on this.

saraclara · 03/03/2023 09:16

FuchsAndMöhr · 03/03/2023 09:12

Yet another MN example of replies that would be completely opposite should the OP be the mum 🙄

This place gets worse!

Yep. It's appalling.

In any other situation, a father telling his son that he has a condition that he hasn't been diagnosed with or even tested for, would be ripped apart. And the mother supported 100%

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